All Liberals Go to Heaven — Frank Soto

 

Just to be clear, former New York City mayor Michael Bloomberg doesn’t believe in your God or heaven. But if you happen to be right about their existence, he is quite certain he’s in.

“I am telling you if there is a God, when I get to heaven I’m not stopping to be interviewed. I am heading straight in. I have earned my place in heaven. It’s not even close.”

Get to one side, Saint Peter: Bloomberg is coming through. Apparently God has installed an EZ pass lane accessible to those with connections. Assuming his head can fit inside the pearly gates, what exactly has Bloomberg done that gives him such confidence in his eternal destination?

Apparently his efforts to oppose obesity, guns, and smoking have him in good with the man upstairs (even though he doesn’t believe the man — or the upstairs — exists).

It is convenient for Bloomberg that God’s priorities so closely align with his own. But what can those of us who don’t have $50 million dollars lying around to oppose guns do to curry favor with this leftist deity?

Fear not, unwashed masses! You too can be saved if you allow the nanny state into your homes. Let us turn now to the book of Bloomberg for sage advice on right behavior.

At MikeBloomberg.com under the philanthropist header (it is always good form to describe yourself as a philanthropist – why else would you be one?) we find the priorities of our gold standard for righteousness.

Obesity Prevention:

Approximately one-third of the world’s adult population is overweight or obese, which places individuals at greater risk for cardiovascular disease, diabetes, and certain cancers. If current trends continue, nearly 60% of adults worldwide will be overweight or obese by 2030. Low- and middle-income countries are projected to bear the brunt of this increase.

Step one to right action: Preventing an overabundance of food in low-income countries. Check.

Sustainable Transportation:

Roads are made safer by reducing car travel and designing secure modes of transit, including mass transportation systems, walking infrastructure, and bike routes. One example of mass transport is the bus rapid transit system, which can reduce fatalities and crashes by 40% to 50%.

Bloomberg won’t be waiting in line for heaven, but you’ll be waiting in line for buses and trains.

Climate Change:

guesshellgetbacktous

I guess he’ll get back to us on this one.

Honestly, I’d be surprised if God doesn’t just step aside once Bloomberg gets there.

Obedience to your liberal masters is the key to bliss in the afterlife. Which, they want to make sure you understand, probably doesn’t exist.

So render unto Bloomberg your sugary drinks and tobacco, and rejoice in the knowledge that you are better than other people.

 

 

There are 35 comments.

  1. Arahant Member

    Well, there’s No Democracy in Heaven.

    • #1
    • April 16, 2014, at 1:54 PM PDT
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  2. Done Contributor
    Done Post author

    Arahant:

    Well, there’s No Democracy in Heaven.

     Or NYC.

    • #2
    • April 16, 2014, at 1:57 PM PDT
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  3. Arahant Member

    I come from the Chicago area and now live near Detroit. What is democracy, anyway? One man, ten votes, unless he’s dead? (Then he only gets one?)

    • #3
    • April 16, 2014, at 2:00 PM PDT
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  4. Penfold Member

    I looked up the “hubris” wiki and, lo and behold, there was Bloomberg’s picture.

    • #4
    • April 16, 2014, at 2:02 PM PDT
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  5. Profile Photo Member

    I have a new nickname for him. Bloomberg the Presumptuous. I like how he qualifies it at the end…”It’s not even close.” Hahaha.

    That’s right Penfold. Who follows Hubris? Nemesis.

    • #5
    • April 16, 2014, at 2:25 PM PDT
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  6. Doctor Bass Monkey Inactive

    He’s almost enough of a jackass to fit in with the Back Table crowd.

    • #6
    • April 16, 2014, at 2:38 PM PDT
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  7. EThompson Inactive

    The least of my beloved Apple’s problems is the Former Nanny. It is the new chief of the Politburo, de Blasio. :((

    • #7
    • April 16, 2014, at 2:59 PM PDT
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  8. Done Contributor
    Done Post author

    EThompson:

    The least of my beloved Apple’s problems is the Former Nanny. It is the new chief of the Politburo, de Blasio. :((

     De Blasio is definitely going to heaven. They don’t come more pinko then he.

    • #8
    • April 16, 2014, at 3:20 PM PDT
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  9. E. Kent Golding Member

    Perhaps Bloomberg and De Blasio will end up in Hell and not be able to distinguish it from Heaven….

    • #9
    • April 16, 2014, at 3:25 PM PDT
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  10. EThompson Inactive

    Badderbrau:

    Perhaps Bloomberg and De Blasio will end up in Hell and not be able to distinguish it from Heaven….

    Bloomberg gets into Heaven because he did support charter schools. De Blasio has already scrapped four of them; he doesn’t even qualify for Purgatory and goes straight to Hell for that.

    • #10
    • April 16, 2014, at 3:39 PM PDT
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  11. Done Contributor
    Done Post author

    EThompson:

    Badderbrau:

    Perhaps Bloomberg and De Blasio will end up in Hell and not be able to distinguish it from Heaven….

    Bloomberg gets into Heaven because he did support charter schools. De Blasio has already scrapped four of them; he doesn’t even qualify for Purgatory and goes straight to Hell for that.

    You’re not understanding how this works ET. Supporting charter schools is good because Bloomberg supports them. Not the other way around.

    • #11
    • April 16, 2014, at 3:43 PM PDT
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  12. EThompson Inactive

    Frank Soto:

    EThompson:

    Badderbrau:

    Perhaps Bloomberg and De Blasio will end up in Hell and not be able to distinguish it from Heaven….

    Bloomberg gets into Heaven because he did support charter schools. De Blasio has already scrapped four of them; he doesn’t even qualify for Purgatory and goes straight to Hell for that.

    You’re not understanding how this works ET. Supporting charter schools is good because Bloomberg supports them. Not the other way around.

     
    Perhaps in my instance (I feel as strongly about charter schools as I do about the Mittster), the ends do just the means? :)

    • #12
    • April 16, 2014, at 3:56 PM PDT
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  13. Percival Thatcher

    When they get where they are going, they will realize that there is no one around whose lives they can micromanage in order to “improve” their lot.

    And at that moment, they will know precisely where they are.

    • #13
    • April 16, 2014, at 4:05 PM PDT
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  14. Danny Alexander Member

    Bloomberg is a troglodyte when it comes to grasping what his own Judaism says about Olam HaBa (the afterlife).

    That said, FYI to Frank and all other non-Jews perusing this thread:
    Where Jews are concerned, where we go and in what manner once our Skype/IM statuses change from “Online” to “Flatline” is not connected to anything involving a Saint Peter figure, pearly gates, or even — setting aside Christian-versus-Jewish theological conception differences — anything that is easily, readily classifiable as a “one-size-fits-all” afterlife setting such as a collective Heaven or Hell.

    Olam HaBa (the World To Come/ afterlife) is more along the lines of the ultimate in “mass-customization” (or “the long tail”?) where paradise-like or hell-like attributes are concerned.
    Please see here:

     http://ohr.edu/ask_db/ask_main.php/25/Q2/

    Yes, it is true that the authoritative rabbinic sources discuss whether and what format holds for a more-or-less standardized “entrance interview” set of questions that a Jew faces in Olam HaBa; my understanding is that there is some debate in these sources as to whether this happens immediately after one flatlines or awaits the Ultimate Day of Judgment.

    • #14
    • April 16, 2014, at 7:48 PM PDT
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  15. Done Contributor
    Done Post author

    Danny Alexander:

    Bloomberg is a troglodyte when it comes to grasping what his own Judaism says about Olam HaBa (the afterlife).

    That said, FYI to Frank and all other non-Jews perusing this thread: Where Jews are concerned, where we go and in what manner once our Skype/IM statuses change from “Online” to “Flatline” is not connected to anything involving a Saint Peter figure, pearly gates, or even — setting aside Christian-versus-Jewish theological conception differences — anything that is easily, readily classifiable as a “one-size-fits-all” afterlife setting such as a collective Heaven or Hell.

    Olam HaBa (the World To Come/ afterlife) is more along the lines of the ultimate in “mass-customization” (or “the long tail”?) where paradise-like or hell-like attributes are concerned. Please see here:

    http://ohr.edu/ask_db/ask_main.php/25/Q2/

    Yes, it is true that the authoritative rabbinic sources discuss whether and what format holds for a more-or-less standardized “entrance interview” set of questions that a Jew faces in Olam HaBa; my understanding is that there is some debate in these sources as to whether this happens immediately after one flatlines or awaits the Ultimate Day of Judgment.

     Danny, 

    I am aware of these things, but you can’t make jokes using the paragraphs above.

    • #15
    • April 16, 2014, at 7:54 PM PDT
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  16. Done Contributor
    Done Post author

    Frank Soto:

    Danny Alexander:

    Bloomberg is a troglodyte when it comes to grasping what his own Judaism says about Olam HaBa (the afterlife).

    That said, FYI to Frank and all other non-Jews perusing this thread: Where Jews are concerned, where we go and in what manner once our Skype/IM statuses change from “Online” to “Flatline” is not connected to anything involving a Saint Peter figure, pearly gates, or even — setting aside Christian-versus-Jewish theological conception differences — anything that is easily, readily classifiable as a “one-size-fits-all” afterlife setting such as a collective Heaven or Hell.

    Olam HaBa (the World To Come/ afterlife) is more along the lines of the ultimate in “mass-customization” (or “the long tail”?) where paradise-like or hell-like attributes are concerned. Please see here:

    http://ohr.edu/ask_db/ask_main.php/25/Q2/

    Yes, it is true that the authoritative rabbinic sources discuss whether and what format holds for a more-or-less standardized “entrance interview” set of questions that a Jew faces in Olam HaBa; my understanding is that there is some debate in these sources as to whether this happens immediately after one flatlines or awaits the Ultimate Day of Judgment.

    Danny,

    I am aware of these things, but you can’t make jokes using the paragraphs above.

     Or maybe you can. Give it a shot. I’m drawing a blank on Olam HaBa punchlines.

    • #16
    • April 16, 2014, at 8:01 PM PDT
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  17. 9thDistrictNeighbor Member

    May El Bloombito be granted an afterlife as depicted in the waiting room in “Beetlejuice.”

    • #17
    • April 16, 2014, at 8:17 PM PDT
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  18. Sisyphus Member

    Judgment is what happens to you when you are making other plans. Good luck with that, Bloomy.

    • #18
    • April 16, 2014, at 11:33 PM PDT
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  19. DocJay Inactive

    This was hilarious. I think I heard the same heaven joke but with a doctor.

    • #19
    • April 17, 2014, at 12:41 AM PDT
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  20. Tom Meyer, Common Citizen Contributor

    “I am telling you if there is a God, when I get to heaven I’m not stopping to be interviewed. I am heading straight in. I have earned my place in heaven. It’s not even close.”

    Does this remind anyone else of “Pope Julius Excluded from Heaven“?

    • #20
    • April 17, 2014, at 6:26 AM PDT
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  21. Spin Inactive

    EThompson:

    The least of my beloved Apple’s problems is the Former Nanny. It is the new chief of the Politburo, de Blasio. :((

     No, Bloomberg is everyone’s problem now. He’s pushing his gun control nonsense on the rest of the nation, and I just wonder to myself “Why can’t he just mind his own [expletive] business?”

    • #21
    • April 17, 2014, at 6:56 AM PDT
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  22. Done Contributor
    Done Post author

    Whiskey Sam:

    He’s almost enough of a jackass to fit in with the Back Table crowd.

     He better be paying. otherwise I’m putting him through the table.

    • #22
    • April 17, 2014, at 7:40 AM PDT
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  23. Vance Richards Member

    “Apparently God has installed an EZ pass lane accessible to those with connections”

    He just better hope that there aren’t any Christie people working the gates that day.

    • #23
    • April 17, 2014, at 9:06 AM PDT
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  24. Randy Weivoda Moderator

    Would it violate the rules of decency if I said I hope Bloomberg doesn’t have too wait long to find out?

    • #24
    • April 17, 2014, at 12:37 PM PDT
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  25. captainpower Inactive

    Randy Weivoda:

    Would it violate the rules of decency if I said I hope Bloomberg doesn’t have too wait long to find out?

    He’s 72 years old. He’s a billionaire. I wouldn’t be surprised if he lived another 30 years.

    So since you asked, yes, I think it sounds like wishing him an early death, which seems somewhat indecent.

    Or was that a rhetorical question?

    • #25
    • April 17, 2014, at 12:44 PM PDT
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