Game Show Czar

 

I know I should wait until it’s official, but I’m too darned excited to keep the news to myself. I have it on very good authority I am about to be named Federal Game Show Czar. When I expressed concern about Senate confirmation hearings to my source, he laughed and said, “What hearings? You’re a Czar!”

My primary duty, if I understand correctly, will be to level the playing field when it comes to television game shows. Each show will be required to file forms with my office (gosh, I like the sound of that) indicating they’ve complied with our yet-to-be-fully-determined ground rules. We will monitor the audition process with an eye toward determining that special efforts have been made to recruit members of all groups, particularly those who have been traditionally underrepresented in the genre. (See, I’m already talking like a Czar!)

We certainly won’t impose quotas, but we will establish minimum percentages that will trigger fines or possible imprisonment if left unmet following sufficient notice of noncompliance. We will also be sure people aren’t discriminated against because they lack certain skills. Is it really fair to eliminate a large portion of the population from Jeopardy!, for example, because they were unable to gain a sufficient education? Why not have expert helpers available to these people who can assist them during the audition process as well as during the show itself? (I think I just came up with my first Czar initiative. This is going to be great!)

While recognizing the competitive nature of game shows, it might also be time to rethink the outdated concept of winners and losers. Why not talk about alternatives such as adding all the winnings together and dividing them among all the players? In addition to appealing to the basic idea of fairness, it will foster a kind of cooperation among people that will be a valuable life lesson to viewers, especially the children. It really is about the children.

I’ve been assured by my source that the idea isn’t for the government to take over TV game shows, but, rather, to be sure all Americans have the opportunity to participate regardless of…well, regardless of anything. My office will not get involved with any of the formats or the rules, unless, of course, we determine such formats or rules are, by their very nature, discriminatory.

As Czar, my responsibility is to all the people, and I plan to take that responsibility seriously. I’m told the official announcement is just days away, and I’ll tell you more when it happens. Meantime, I have to work on the wording of my business cards. I can’t wait to tell the Czarina!

There are 24 comments.

Become a member to join the conversation. Or sign in if you're already a member.
  1. Profile Photo Member
    @

    As long as we’re daring Pat to do things, I dare you Pat to send that post to the New York Times op-ed page. I bet they would print it. Brilliant!

    • #1
  2. Profile Photo Podcaster
    @EJHill

    I am waiting for the professional sports czar to deal with the discrimination against 50-year-old guys who can’t hit a curve ball. I want a designated hitter while I play 1st base (low coverage area) and collect all the money.

    • #2
  3. Profile Photo Member
    @ScottR

    I always feel sorry for the letters that never get picked in that final round on WOF, like X and J and Z. Now you can insist that they be treated equal.

    • #3
  4. Profile Photo Member
    @AaronMiller

    Wheel of Consolation!

    “Bankrupt” has been replaced with “Bailout”. New travel prizes, including Russian Revelry and Cuban Paradise! Vowels are on the house!

    • #4
  5. Profile Photo Inactive
    @KennedySmith

    Surely Fannie Flagg should be appointed to a Blue-Ribbon commision on the financial crisis.

    • #5
  6. Profile Photo Contributor
    @PeterRobinson

    Trace already used the only possible adjective for that post, Pat: “brilliant.”

    And as you prepare to take up your new duties, may I offer a couple of suggestions?

    Old: “The Price is Right.” New: “The Price is Subsidized.”

    Old: “Jeopardy.” New: “Safety Net.”

    Old: “Who Wants to be a Millionaire?” New: “Who Wants to Become Subject to the 39 Percent Personal Income Tax Rate, the Windfall Profits Tax, the Estate Tax, and the Alternative Minimum Tax?”

    • #6
  7. Profile Photo Inactive
    @Palaeologus

    I think you’re going to need broader regulatory authority Pat. I mean, can we really let those meritocratic exclusivists over at Top Chef continue on just because there’s technically no game being played?

    • #7
  8. Profile Photo Member
    @WyleeCoyote

    A Czar is born!

    • #8
  9. Profile Photo Contributor
    @PatSajak

    Grateful for the kind words and the suggestions. I’m already thinking about how big a budget increase we’ll need for the next fiscal year.

    • #9
  10. Profile Photo Member
    @

    Titles, Pat. I’d like to see the title of Jeopardy! changed to reflect the format of the game show’s answers: What Is Our Republic In? And since Who Wants to Be a Millionaire has taken on a somewhat sarcastic tone, take Peter’s lead and spin it to Who Wants to Be a Patriot? (“Biden-Patriot” for all the coastal viewers – don’t want to give the wrong impression)

    This equality-promotion shouldn’t all be on your shoulders: maybe a tag team with the Department of Commerce to ensure that the Price is Really Right with some ’70’s era price controls? Economic Efficiency – come on down!

    I’ve noticed that I, O, and U are used less often than A and E (disparate impact, no doubt), and if there’s anything the incoming generation should be receiving more of, it’s IOU’s, which are as good as money.

    • #10
  11. Profile Photo Member
    @tabularasa

    Pat: You have some really good ideas, but I understand the position will be known officially as the “Gene Rayburn Memorial Game Show Czar.” If he were alive you wouldn’t have had a chance.

    Suggestion: How about dodge ball, but only athletic types are in the middle of the very small circle, and the throwers are all, as we used to say, a bit portly (I would be one of them).

    • #11
  12. Profile Photo Member
    @ScottR

    I distinctly remember a WoF episode in the 80’s where a contestant was guessing the puzzle, “Nuclear Disarmament,” but pronounced it, “Nuclear Disarm-yent.” After asking him to repeat it a couple times, you finally said, “I’m sorry,” and the poor dolt went home with nothing! Heartless, heartless host! In this new age, that must change.

    • #12
  13. Profile Photo Inactive
    @KennedySmith

    OK, that tears it. I blame Vanna for this situation. But at this point, we just have to have Mike Nelson, head writer of MST3K. Been keepin the powder dry, people. But he’s tanned, rested and ready. With a product to plug, and a quite amusing one at that.

    • #13
  14. Profile Photo Inactive
    @TheMugwump
    Diane Ellis, Ed.

    Pat Sajak:

    While recognizing the competitive nature of game shows, it might also be time to rethink the outdated concept of winners and losers. Why not talk about alternatives such as adding all the winnings together and dividing them among all the players? In addition to appealing to the basic idea of fairness, it will foster a kind of cooperation among people that will be a valuable life lesson to viewers, especially the children. It really is about the children.

    Pat, on the next episode of Wheel, I dare you to redistribute the prize money so that all of your contestants go home with an equal sum. · Jul 27 at 12:43pm

    I do it in the classroom with grades when I teach about socialism. The kids catch on real quick.

    • #14
  15. Profile Photo Member
    @ScottR

    Ah, Paules, interesting. But once they catch on, does the majority say, “Cool!” or “This ain’t fair!” ?

    • #15
  16. Profile Photo Member
    @

    Fine, Sajak. But we both know there will be no justice until game show contestants are unionized.

    • #16
  17. Profile Photo Inactive
    @KristianStout

    As a kid, I always wanted to be on the Wheel and found it patently unfair that I had no opportunity to do so. You really need to establish some sort of Quiz Show Reinvestment act to make sure that all comers get a shot at one of those shiny slices of the Wheel.

    • #17
  18. Profile Photo Contributor
    @PatSajak

    You all realize, of course, that there are some sites on which many of these comments would be serious.

    • #18
  19. Profile Photo Inactive
    @outstripp
    Pat Sajak:…I’m already thinking about how big a budget increase we’ll need for the next fiscal year. · Jul 27 at 2:22pm

    You’re not ready for prime time Pat if you talk like that. You need to ensure that all your exciting new initiatives are fully funded (which they won’t be, giving you a ready-made excuse).

    • #19
  20. Profile Photo Member
    @
    Joe Steinbronn: This equality-promotion shouldn’t all be on your shoulders: maybe a tag team with the Department of Commerce to ensure that the Price is Really Right with some ’70’s era price controls? Economic Efficiency – come on down! · Jul 27 at 2:29pm

    Joe — You don’t need to go to the 1970’s. Price controls are alive and well in 2010. The government has just proposed a very complex series of price controls for trade schools. They don’t like how much money students are borrowing and have set out to save them from themselves.

    • #20
  21. Profile Photo Contributor
    @MelanieGraham

    G _ M E SHOW CZ_R

    Gnome Show Car!

    • #21
  22. Profile Photo Editor
    @RobLong

    Unfortunately, Pat, I have a video of you — well, actually, hundreds and hundreds of them — advocating the giving out of “prizes” based solely on irrelevant word games. So I think they’re going to have to fire you.

    Wait. Hold up. Just reviewed some of the tapes. It seems that you allow people to choose their own prizes.

    You’re rehired. Sorry for the confusion.

    Boy, that was a great teaching moment, wasn’t it?

    • #22
  23. Profile Photo Contributor
    @DianeEllis

    Pat Sajak:

    While recognizing the competitive nature of game shows, it might also be time to rethink the outdated concept of winners and losers. Why not talk about alternatives such as adding all the winnings together and dividing them among all the players? In addition to appealing to the basic idea of fairness, it will foster a kind of cooperation among people that will be a valuable life lesson to viewers, especially the children. It really is about the children.

    Pat, on the next episode of Wheel, I dare you to redistribute the prize money so that all of your contestants go home with an equal sum.

    • #23
  24. Profile Photo Contributor
    @PatSajak

    I’ll be happy to, Diane, if you’ll cover me as I flee the studio.

    • #24

Comments are closed because this post is more than six months old. Please write a new post if you would like to continue this conversation.