2012: Goodbye, Cruel World

 

As many of you know—especially those of you who plan your social life around the Mayan calendar—the end of the world is coming in 2012. Recently, a hit film simply called 2012 showed the planet cracking up and threatening not only the earth’s nearly 7-billion people, but even worse, John Cusack and his family.

The Mayans—like the Aztecs—were a fairly well-advanced civilization in southern North America. They built great monuments, had advanced mathematical and scientific systems, and, all in all, despite minor issues with things like human sacrifice and slavery, were pretty well ahead of their time.

I don’t know all the arguments for and against, but there are people who believe the Mayan calendar points to the world ending on December 21, 2012. All sorts of websites have sprung up with information on just how this will happen; something about sunspots or colliding galaxies or Rosie O’Donnell getting a new talk show. Whatever it is, supposedly nations are preparing by building secret underground chambers for their leadership and some of their population. Now I’m not smart enough to figure out whether any of this is real, and, to tell you the truth, I’d feel better if the Mayans had been able to predict the end of their own civilization. Still, I’m thinking about fast-tracking my bucket list just in case.

There are some upsides to the impending apocalypse. For example, coming a few days before Christmas, I won’t have to do any gift shopping in 2012. And in the off chance the world doesn’t end, there would still be a few days left to pick up some stuff at the mall. It would also mean the 2012 Presidential election would be our last, so we wouldn’t have to endure to any more political campaigns, and it would also mean the end of the Kardashians.

I don’t mean to make light of the end of the world, but it’s just that there doesn’t seem to be much I can do about it. So I’m just going to try to enjoy the next 28 months or so. After all, if John Cusack survived, maybe I can, too.

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  1. Profile Photo Member
    @JimmyCarter

    Had the Mayans foresaw “global warming[?]”

    • #1
  2. Profile Photo Contributor
    @PatSajak

    Hmmm…possibly, Jimmy. Or, maybe they foresaw the current administration

    • #2
  3. Profile Photo Member
    @AaronMiller
    Pat Sajak: It would also mean the 2012 Presidential election would be our last…

    Obama wins again? Sounds like the end of something.

    • #3
  4. Profile Photo Member
    @tabularasa
    Pat Sajak:

    [S]upposedly nations are preparing by building secret underground chambers for their leadership and some of their population.

    Pat: We all know you’re a humble guy, but I can’t imagine that you would not be included in the group that is saved. I do think you’re right about the Kardashians: ditto: Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton.

    • #4
  5. Profile Photo Member
    @JonathanMatthewGilbert

    Do we really think it’s fair to classify “2012” as a hit…?

    • #5
  6. Profile Photo Contributor
    @PatSajak
    Jonathan Matthew Gilbert: Do we really think it’s fair to classify “2012” as a hit…? · Aug 31 at 10:29am

    Well, according to Box Office Mojo, it made about $166 million in the U.S. on a $200 million budget, but it did over $600 million internationally.

    tabula rasa

    Pat Sajak:

    [S]upposedly nations are preparing by building secret underground chambers for their leadership and some of their population.

    Pat: We all know you’re a humble guy, but I can’t imagine that you would not be included in the group that is saved. Aug 31 at 10:25am

    I assume I’d be included. Even the apocalypse needs an emcee.

    • #6
  7. Profile Photo Inactive
    @GADean
    Pat Sajak: … supposedly nations are preparing by building secret underground chambers for their leadership and some of their population.

    Sounds like an opportunity to employ a variation of the “Golgafrincham Solution.”

    Once they’re all sealed up in their bunkers we don’t have to rush to give them the “all clear.”

    • #7
  8. Profile Photo Contributor
    @AdamFreedman

    Now you tell me! My wife just signed a three-year lease on some office space.

    • #8
  9. Profile Photo Contributor
    @PatSajak

    Adam…

    Obviously from a clever Mayan landlord.

    • #9
  10. Profile Photo Editor
    @RobLong

    Ricochet Line of the Week:

    Pat Sajak: Even the apocalypse needs an emcee. · Aug 31 at 10:37am

    • #10
  11. Profile Photo Member
    @cdor

    Since when are underground bunkers safe in an apocolypse? I’ll be happy to stay above ground, thanks.

    • #11
  12. Profile Photo Member
    @tabularasa
    Pat Sajak

    Jonathan Matthew Gilbert: Do we really think it’s fair to classify “2012” as a hit…? · Aug 31 at 10:29am

    Well, according to Box Office Mojo, it made about $166 million in the U.S. on a $200 million budget, but it did over $600 million internationally.

    tabula rasa

    Pat Sajak:

    [S]upposedly nations are preparing by building secret underground chambers for their leadership and some of their population.

    Pat: We all know you’re a humble guy, but I can’t imagine that you would not be included in the group that is saved. Aug 31 at 10:25am

    I assume I’d be included. Even the apocalypse needs an emcee. · Aug 31 at 10:37am

    But will Vanna be there?

    • #12
  13. Profile Photo Contributor
    @PatSajak
    tabula rasa

    But will Vanna be there? · Aug 31 at 1:52pm

    You try walking in high heels while spelling “APOCALYPSE!”

    • #13
  14. Profile Photo Podcaster
    @EJHill

    So on the day Mr. Sajak brings up his name, John Cusack wishes us nothing but death.

    Mr. Cusack tweets:

    I AM FOR A SATANIC DEATH CULT CENTER AT FOX NEWS HQ AND OUTSIDE THE OFFICES ORDICK ARMEYAND NEWT GINGRICH-and all the GOP WELFARE FREAKS

    • #14
  15. Profile Photo Contributor
    @PatSajak
    EJHill: So on the day Mr. Sajak brings up his name, John Cusack wishes us nothing but death.

    Mr. Cusack tweets:

    I AM FOR A SATANIC DEATH CULT CENTER AT FOX NEWS HQ AND OUTSIDE THE OFFICES ORDICK ARMEYAND NEWT GINGRICH-and all the GOP WELFARE FREAKS · Aug 31 at 3:10pm

    It’ll be interesting to see how this is covered compared to how coverage would likely be if, say, I were to tweet something as outrageous aimed at Liberal targets.

    • #15
  16. Profile Photo Member
    @
    Pat Sajak

    You try walking in high heels while spelling “APOCALYPSE!” · Aug 31 at 3:01pm

    Well, there was this one time in college…

    • #16
  17. Profile Photo Editor
    @RobLong
    EJHill: So on the day Mr. Sajak brings up his name, John Cusack wishes us nothing but death.

    Mr. Cusack tweets:

    I AM FOR A SATANIC DEATH CULT CENTER AT FOX NEWS HQ AND OUTSIDE THE OFFICES ORDICK ARMEYAND NEWT GINGRICH-and all the GOP WELFARE FREAKS · Aug 31 at 3:10pm

    To which I say: I don’t blame Cusack. I blame the dosage. It needs to be increased. Or the prescription needs to be modified to one of the newer antipsychotics, like Seroquel or Zyprexa. My guess — and I’m not a doctor — is that Cusack is on one of the cheaper SAG medical plan approved generic antipsychotics like chlorpromazine or haloperidol. Those have side effects (like weight gain and increased glucose) which may be the reason he’s (clearly) stopped taking them as prescribed.

    We conservatives need to be more compassionate. Don’t hate the mentally ill. Just change their meds.

    • #17
  18. Profile Photo Inactive
    @PatrickShanahan

    All hilarious :–) But scary :–0 Do you conservatives care nothing about humanity?

    But seriously, what kind of pathology makes people believe that high-end Stone Age cultures (“but they invented a calendar!!!”) have better insight into the eschaton than we do? Probably the same thing that makes them believe in astrology. Or Obama. (shame, shame, very amateurish cheap shot.)

    • #18
  19. Profile Photo Member
    @

    Kind of fascinating the things that will spell our doom.

    The Third Reich ended because A. H. took a sleeping pill.

    and now…

    The world is about to come to an end because the mayan’s ran out of stone for thier calendar.

    The littlest things…

    • #19
  20. Profile Photo Inactive
    @ConfuciustheOEcumenicalVolgi

    Alas for the 2012 legend, the Mayans themselves never believed such a thing. It was just the end of the astronomical/astrological Long Count. They still don’t believe it. Just don’t tell the “History” Channel.

    • #20
  21. Profile Photo Podcaster
    @EJHill

    Pat, you may be on to something. Here is more proof the apocalypse is on its way.

    • #21
  22. Profile Photo Member
    @Misthiocracy

    The Earth will be eaten by a giant, pan-dimensional space donkey in 2012. Believe it.

    • #22
  23. Profile Photo Inactive
    @user_19450
    Pat Sajak: After all, if John Cusack survived, maybe I can, too. ·

    Gee, thanks, Pat. Now I guess I’ll take “2012” off the movie rental list…

    • #23

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