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A tortured genius moves from poetry to rap
Ren Gill is a hip-hop/rap artist who is unusual in that he is also a classically trained musician who plays guitar, bass guitar, and piano. In my view, he’s also a genius. If you know his work, I suspect that you likely agree with my assessment. If not, allow me to explain.
Ren was born and raised in Wales. He became obsessed with music when his Dad gave him a guitar at the age of 10. His music education and career were repeatedly interrupted by medical problems. He spent much of his 20s in bed, feeling hopeless and miserable, which he describes as a tortuous experience that left him with PTSD. He was later diagnosed with Lyme disease, which he says continues to plague him in the form of autoimmune problems, digestive problems, and crippling emotional problems. Another significant setback was the suicide of a close friend, which affected him deeply. Ren continues to struggle with his health and is currently in Mexico receiving experimental treatments.
Listening to the lyrics of his music, I think he’s a smoking genius. Just out of sight brilliant. He also had emotional problems, even in his youth. He heard voices in his head throughout his childhood. He says that even at the time, he didn’t understand how these voices came from within him, but he seemed to have no input in what they said. And everything they said was negative and critical. He would sometimes scream back at the voices, in his head. In addition to these auditory hallucinations, he’s had occasional visual hallucinations. So Lyme disease may not have helped, and his friend’s suicide may not have helped, but he’s clearly had emotional problems for most of his life. Which is tragic. But he has used his struggles as inspiration for some remarkable music.
His best-known piece is “Hi Ren,” in which he struggles against his emotional problems and his own self-loathing. It really is remarkable. It’s a solo, just him singing while playing acoustic guitar. No accompaniment, no percussion. I’ve not heard anything quite like it.
I hope you watch it. It’s sort of long, at nine minutes. And it contains a few obscenities. But it’s well, well worth your time. This is a rare example of a music video as true art. Seriously.
It’s refreshingly simple – just a guy and a guitar – no autotune, no synthetic drum beat, no razzle-dazzle mixing. It’s also refreshingly complicated, as a brilliant mind tiptoes on the edge of insanity as he wrestles with fear and self-doubt.
For those who won’t watch the video, I’ll post the lyrics below. But please watch the video – you’ll thank me:
Read the comments below his video in YouTube. This song had an enormous impact on a lot of people. Many credit him with saving their lives. Not the typical impact of a music video. Amazing.
The two Rens have a lot to say in this song. The lyrics are easier to understand in his performance, since it’s not easy to tell who is who in the printed word. But as promised, here are the lyrics:
Hi there Ren, it’s been a little while, did you miss me?You thought you’d buried me, didn’t you? Risky‘Cause I always come back, deep down, you know thatDeep down, you know I’m always in the periphery
Ren, aren’t you pleased to see me?It’s been weeks since we spoke bro, I know you need meYou’re the sheep, I’m the shepherd, not your place to lead meNot your place to be biting off the hand that feeds me
Hi Ren, I’ve been taking some time to be distantI’ve been taking some time to be stillI’ve been taking some time to be by myselfSince my therapist told me I’m ill
And I’ve been making some progress latelyAnd I’ve learnt some new coping skillsSo I haven’t really needed you much, manI think we need to just step back and chill
Ren, you sound more insane than I doYou think that those doctors are really there to guide you?You’ve been through this a million timesYour civilian mind is so perfect at always being lied to
Okay, take another pill boyDrown yourself in the sound of white noiseFollow this ten-step program, rejoiceAll your problems will be gone! F***in’ dumb boy
Nah, mate, this time it’s different, man, trust meI feel like things might be falling in placeAnd my music’s been kinda doing bits tooLike I actually might do something great
And when I’m gone, maybe I’ll be rememberedFor doing something special with myselfThat’s why I don’t think that we should talk, man‘Cause when you’re with me, it never seems to help
You think that you can amputate me?I am you, you are me, you are I, I am weWe are one, split in two that makes one, so you seeYou got to kill you if you wanna kill me
I’m not left over dinner, I’m not scraps on the sideOh, your music is thriving? Delusional guyWhere’s your top ten hit? Where’s your interview with Oprah?Where are your Grammies, Ren? Nowhere!
Yeah, but, my music’s not commercial like thatI never chased numbers, statistics or statsI never write hooks for the radio, they never even play meSo why would I concern myself with that?But my music is really connectingAnd the people who find it, respect itAnd for me, that’s enough ’cause this life’s been toughSo it gives me a purpose I can rest in
Man, you sound so pretentiousRen, your music is so self-centredNo one wants to hear another song aboutHow much you hate yourself, trust meYou should be so lucky, having me inside you to guide youRemind you to manage expectationsProvide you perspective, that thing you neglected, I get itYou wanna be a big deal, next Jimi Hendrix? Forget it
Man, it’s not like thatMan it’s just like that, I’m inside you, you [REDACTED]No, it’s not man, you’re wrong, when I write, I belongLet me break the fourth wall by acknowledging this song
Ren sits down, has a stroke of geniusHe wants to write a song that was not done previousA battle with his subconscious, Eminem did itPlayed on guitar, Plan B did it
Man, you’re not original, you criminal, rip-off artistThe pinnacle of your success is stealing other people’s materialRen, mate, we’ve heard it all beforeUh, “she sells seashells on the sea shore”
[REDACTED] you, I don’t need you, I don’t need to hear this‘Cause I’m fine by myself, I’ma geniusAnd I will be great, and I will make wavesAnd I’ll shake up the whole world beneath us
That’s right, speak your truth, your f***in’ God complex leaks out of youIt’s refreshing to actually hear you say it instead of downplay it“Ugh, music Is all about the creative process and if people can findSomething to relate to within that, then that’s just a bonus”
F*** you, I’ma f***in’ kill you, RenWell f***in’ kill me then, let’s f***in’ have you RenI’m a do it, watch me prove it, who are you to doubt my music?‘Cause I call the shots. I choose if you dieYeah, I call the shots, and so I who choose who survivesI’ll tie you up in knots when I’ll lock you inside
News flashI was created at the dawn of creationI am temptation, I am the snake in EdenI am the reason for treason, beheading all KingsI am sin with no rhyme or reasonSun of the morning, Lucifer, antichristFather of lies, MestophiliesTruth in a blender, deceitful pretenderThe banished avenger, the righteous surrender
When standing in-front of my solar eclipseMy name it is stitched to your lips, so, you seeI won’t bow to the will of a mortal, feeble and normalYou wanna kill me? I’m enteral, immortalI live in every decision that catalysed chaosThat causes divisionI live inside death, the beginning of endsI am you, you are me, I am you, Ren
Hi Ren, I’ve been taking some time to be distantI’ve been taking some time to be stillI’ve been taking some time to be by myselfAnd I’ve spent half my life ill
But just as sure as the tide starts turningJust as sure as the night has dawnJust as sure as rainfall soon runs dryWhen you stand in an eye of the storm
I was made to be tested and twistedI was made to be broken and beatI was made by His hand, it’s all part of His planThat I stand on my own two feetAnd you know me, my will is eternalAnd you know me, you’ve met me beforeFace-to-face with a beast, I will rise from the eastAnd I’ll settle on the ocean floor
And I go by many names alsoSome people know me as “hope”Some people know me as the voice that you hearWhen you loosen the noose on the ropeAnd you know how I know that I’ll prosper?‘Cause I stand here beside you todayI have stood in the flames that cremated my brainAnd I didn’t once flinch or shake
So cower at the man I’ve become, when I sing from the top of my lungsThat I won’t retire, I’ll stand in your fire, inspire the weak to be strongAnd when I am gone, I will rise in the music that I left behindFerocious, persistent, immortal like you, we’re a coin with two different sides
When I was 17 years old, I shouted out into an empty roomInto a blank canvas, that I would defeat the forces of evilAnd for the next ten years of my life, I suffered the consequencesWith autoimmunity, illness, and psychosis
As I got older, I realised that there were no real winnersAnd there were no real losers in physiological warfareBut there were victims and there were studentsIt wasn’t David versus Goliath, it was a pendulumEternally swayin’ from the dark to the lightAnd the more intensely that the light shone, the darker the shadow it cast
It was never really a battle for me to win, it was an eternal danceAnd like a dance, the more rigid I became, the harder it gotThe more I cursed my clumsy footsteps, the more I struggledSo I got older and I learned to relaxAnd I learned to soften and that dance got easier
It is this eternal dance that separates human beingsFrom angels, from demons, from godsAnd I must not forget, we must not forgetThat we are human beings
As I said, he’s classified as a rap artist. But this is really, REALLY different stuff. I’m not exactly sure what it is.
But it’s brilliant. Ren Gill is a genius.
Maybe there’s hope for modern music. Heck, maybe there’s even hope for rap as an art form (a sentence I would have laughed at before I saw this video).
I hope there is hope for Ren Gill. He clearly struggles with his demons and his physical health. I hope he finds peace. But I worry about him. That brain would be a very challenging place to live.
Hang in there, buddy. I hope your life gets better.
And thanks for the music. It made my life better.
Thanks very much.
****************
Post script:
The suicide of his friend led him to record a beautiful song called “For Joe”. It highlights his piano playing and composition skills. And it is a heart-wrenching tribute to his friend:
For those who wondered about the line in “Hi Ren” which seemed plopped out of nowhere, “Uh, “she sells seashells on the sea shore,” references another one of his songs. Also very clever. A sort of rap version of a cynical view of modern financial markets. Or something. If you’re interested:
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I have a simple term for that. I call it Thursday.
I watched the whole video. It doesn’t help that I’ve been re-watching One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest over the last few days. Long movie. He has a talented way of expressing himself but it’s not music I would be listening to anytime soon.
I have a family member, by marriage, who had a famous metal band. They toured all over the world. It’s bigger outside the US. The band came to my cookouts in the field a couple times. It’s very funny. They are quiet and shy and tend to listen to classical music or a ball game on their headphones. And of course smoke a lot of weed.
People who really enjoy and appreciate music aren’t afraid of stepping out of their comfortable genre.
Wow! Not my type of music, but I can see why others may like it. Why does it seem that very talented people always walk a fine line with depression and mental illness? Bless ’em.
Unfashionable view: They don’t come from within him.
Hay, Doc,
How did You find this video?
Good lord, what a performer.
He deals with that:
“News flash
I was created at the dawn of creation
I am temptation, I am the snake in Eden
I am the reason for treason, beheading all Kings
I am sin with no rhyme or reason
Sun of the morning, Lucifer, antichrist
Father of lies, Mestophilies
Truth in a blender, deceitful pretender
The banished avenger, the righteous surrender”
I read the comments on YouTube. Even if I don’t care for the music, I appreciate the words and the performance. It is very powerful and I can tell from the comments on YouTube that it speaks to some who are struggling with the same demons.
The song illustrates so well what Ekhart Tolle and may others try to teach: you are not your mind. Your mind says many things to you, many of them negative and horrible. Things you would never say to another human being but you say to yourself all day, every day. But whether it is the Father of Lies or some deep neural network, you have to learn to view the negativity dispassionately. Some even recommend inviting in the negativity, thanking it for its opinion and then sending it on its way. I think that is what he is doing here, but in a way that will appeal to the young.
There are so many songs targeted to youth that glorify the darkness, I’m happy to see one that refutes it. Thank you for sharing.
When you search YouTube, a list of common searches comes up. Something like this:
– Cat videos
– Archaeology
– Cooking
– Hyper-literate Welch rappers with classical music training and poorly compensated psychiatric disease
– Waterfalls
– Kids & dogs
And do on and so on. The usual stuff.
I clicked on one of those. Can’t remember which one.
Sorry.
I really can’t remember.
A restless mind plus the Internet – that’s a dangerous combination. I go down some pretty weird rabbit holes.
I just found an article from “The Federalist” in February 2023, in which the author discusses the religious overtures in “Hi Ren”. Like me, she finds Ren Gill to be brilliant. And she has some pretty interesting things to say:
Listen as “Hi Ren” Gives Countercultural Rebuttal To Godless Mental Health Industry
@saintaugustine
I am not a believer but religion is incredibly helpful to people who struggle with despair.
When we became a secular culture lead by our ‘elites,’ we forsook very important parts of our heritage.
Ayan Hirsi Ali’s recent conversion to Christianity demonstrates this.