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Lessons from Lost Relationships
Periodically I go into a funk and indulge in dark memories of the relationships I’ve ruined. Fortunately, I don’t do that very often, nor do I stay in that mindset for very long. But recently when I reflected on the past, I found myself shifting my perspective in what I think is a productive and healthy way. I thought you might find something useful in my reflections.
But to set the stage, it’s fair to say that over 75 years I’ve done some serious damage: hurting the feelings of people beyond repair. I say the hurts are beyond repair, because I apologized in every case, but the people involved would not forgive me. Even over time.
The wounding I committed had to do with various exchanges: my shock at their beliefs; their refusal to accept me due to my point of view and my outrage as a result. I’ve found various ways to cause injury. We could debate whether those people were being overly sensitive, but I’m willing to accept the bulk of the blame.
So, these incidents provide the fuel for self-flagellation. Judaism doesn’t support flagellation, but I’ve seen the benefit of crossing boundaries.
But I’m exhausted by the entire process.
And it’s time to move on. What am I working on?
First, rather than make myself into a demon of destruction, to others and myself, I want to focus on what I’ve learned over the years. I know that I am triggered by certain things: people who support transgenderism, those who are anti-Israel and/or pro-Hamas; on a personal level, I cringe when I see people who are uninformed making poor decisions or refusing to take responsibility. You get the picture.
But I’ve learned that my being triggered doesn’t give me license to behave badly. I’m finally learning how to notice when I’m triggered, and so I pause and take a breath. That is now a decision point for me to ask a basic question: is that any of my business? If the person is important enough to me, am I willing to hurt the relationship because I think my own opinion is superior? Even worse, am I willing to lose the relationship forever?
I’ve also garnered some life-enhancing lessons: that more than ever, relationships are important and precious. That I don’t have to win an argument to prove some kind of unimportant (at least to the other person) point.
My plan also includes letting go of those past transgressions. I can’t change the past. I honestly believe those relationships are beyond redemption. And I will focus on the blessed relationships that I’ve had over many years, people who love, support and encourage me, and accept me, warts and all. I will remind them how much I appreciate their love in my life. I will celebrate that I can, and do, build durable relationships.
If I begin to indulge in the past, I will note it as quickly as I can, and make a point to let it go. It will take practice, but I’m ready for the challenge.
And for the relationships I have, if I am triggered, I pray that I will pause and remember how blessed I am.
Those relationships are too important to squander, and I will remind myself every day that I won’t take them for granted.
Published in General
Always a good saying to keep in mind. Thanks, Rodin.
You can’t change the past, but you can remember it and use it to guide yourself in the future. Wish I’d known that in the past . . .
Me, too. Maybe we need life’s experience to build our wisdom…
I vaguely remember a saying like, “Wisdom is what keeps us from learning bad things by experience.”
Yeah, if you get enough of it early on! My experience is that wisdom doesn’t come quickly or easily, and may be a RESULT of life experience. ;-)
Experience allows one to recognize the mistake he just made as the same one he had made in the past.
I have three questions that I ask myself in similar situations:
1 Does it have to be said?
2 Does it have to be said now?
3 Does it have to be said by me?
To dwell on the past is to rob the present; to ignore the past is to rob the future.
Outstanding, Mountie. Great questions.
Profound, and so true, Freeven. When I’m pre-occupied with the past, I can’t be in the moment. And yet I want to learn from the past to help ensure a better future. Thanks.
From what you described in your piece it sounds as though the people you were in conflict with were leftists in their political orientation. My son is such a person. He was educated in the public schools in Seattle during the 1970s and 80s. Though not nearly as bad as the current crop of “educators”, teachers back then still had a very leftist bent. He grew up with friends in Seattle who were steeped in the left leaning soup that is Seattle youth culture. As a consequence we have had shaky periods in our relationship. He went to Europe after spending a year in college and stayed there for two years. Needless to say, his left leaning tendencies got reinforced there.
Over the years I have tried to avoid conflicts with him since they inevitably led to long periods of silence between us. I have never brought up the subjects that cause the conflicts. It has always been his need to probe my views. A few weeks ago we entered another of our silent periods. He has called me up with a very large chip on his shoulder about Trump and what the Trump administration was doing. As much as I attempted to avoid saying anything to him that attacked his views, he continued to escalate until I was forced simply to hang up the phone. What followed was a period of silence, followed by a lengthy email in which he implied that maintaining my political viewpoints was immoral. I wrote back that we have maintained a pleasant relationship by avoiding some topics about which we disagree. Those are political views, not religious, and don’t need to be discussed. He wrote back a thank you for my response and I haven’t heard from him since.
What I am trying to get across is that when you are discussing such topics with a person of the left you are discussing religion, not politics. For us on the right, there is a reasoned view on such things. We can look, for instance, at Trump and find some of his characteristic unappealing, but at the same time relish the achievements of his administration. The left cannot. Like religion it is an all or nothing belief system. You can’t argue with them, and you can’t berate yourself if they are alienated by your views. It is said that the Buddha spoke of a man who created a great feast to which nobody came. He asked then, who would eat the feast. The answer is the man himself. That is how I tried to deal with my son and his attacks. I feel no sense of responsibility for the outcome. I cannot affect his views on anything. He is zealot, as are most leftists. It would sound as though, Susan, your alienated friends are pretty much the same. Think, if you will, about Israel and Gaza. That is closer to the situation than any thing else I can come up with. You aren’t to blame.
Thank you for this very personal sharing, Eugene. Some of my conflicts are over politics, some are not. I am so sorry that your son chooses to make his relationship with you so difficult. Even if you’ve come to terms with it, it must be painful.
4 If I say it, will I get my butt kicked?
What is immoral is we have #1 a system based on inflation, they lie about the amount all of the time, and we are too stupid to manage it even if it’s possible. #2 This causes the politicians to steal from us and produce non-public goods, which is also unmanageable. Some economists think that the government is now 80% non-public goods. It’s all stealing and stupidity.
I think the ultimate reason we have to have an inflationist system is because we are too dumb to switch to full reserve banking and you can’t be militaristic without it, which means the United States Navy keeps the trade routs open.
Then throw in global warming. It’s a communist bludgeoning tool. What are you supposed to do about it? There are 2 billion destitute poor people that don’t care about global warming. If you gave free mopeds, they would drive them into the ground.
Imagine A World Where Money Is Getting More Expensive And Everything Else Is Getting Less Expensive™
We don’t need more government force on anything.
I think the reason politics gets so stupid is because people don’t think about my comment #15.
They are going to keep pointing guns at us to take our money for stupid stuff and then pay for it with inflation.
I don’t care if you are gay if you don’t make a great big public deal out of it. Gay marriage is a stupid concept for the state to shove down our throats. They should have called it something else because it is something else.
Gender dysphoria is a real condition but now it’s a Democrat contagion. G. Gordon Liddy called it in the 90s about how using the word “gender” for the word “sex” was going to cause all kinds of problems.
Don’t shove all of this gay stuff and fake gender dysphoria stuff down children’s throats.
The idea minor attracted people should be tolerated is insane. What decade is the government going to finish researching it so we solve it?
Anything a Democrat says about gun policy is worthless or it’s worse than worthless.
5 If I say it and get my butt kicked, will I have had it coming?
The ruling class deciding to trade with the Chinese mafia, as if they were going to change, it was possibly the dumbest thing this country has ever done.
Sometimes I will think of things I have said that were uncalled for or emotional damage I have caused too; I understand your struggle! I have to say that at least you have the ability to grieve over your “sins of the past” . There are too many people that leave a trail of destruction and they do not care, they don’t even see. Have a nice spring!
My dad has narcissistic personality disorder, and he is *
nothinglike this.Actually, change that to ***exactly***. Not sure what I was thinking here.
Good to see you, Misterjabberjaw! Yes, there are those who create havoc, just as you say. Once we know who they are, we can try to avoid them at any cost!
May I suggest that you also reflect on the good that you have done and continue to do? Yes, we should learn from past mistakes, and it is good for us to remember that we aren’t perfect. But forgetting the good we have done sometimes creates more harm, both to ourselves and to others, than we do by forgetting our evils. Judging by what I have seen of you on Ricochet, you seem to be a someone who works to spread the light around.
It’s popular and self-congratulatory to say that we conservatives are rational and reasonable and if there is a dispute between a conservative and a progressive, it must be the progressive who is the agitator. But I’ve seen reasonable people on both sides of the partisan divide and I’ve seen hot-tempered people who just cannot allow the subject to be changed on both sides.
That’s a generous thing to say, Michael. I do tend to be hard on myself. But I often take the time to reflect on those things I have to be grateful for. And I do hope I’m spreading the light!
I agree, Randy. Both sides can be irrational and incoherent. That’s why I try not to put myself in that position! ;-)
Not any more. Forgot lots of stuff. Happened a few weeks ago…
Situations too! I spent over a year on a certain Naval Vessel that was so toxic I swore I would try my hardest to get into another situation like that. I am somewhat successful, I have never been back in a situation where I had HIVES on my legs from the stress. I guess that’s a win!
I spend a lot of time reading the articles on Ricochet, I don’t have enough energy left to write something well thought out and worth others time to read. Hopefully in the future.
6 Probably . . .
My sister is a martyr. Everything is difficult and she has it worse than everyone. No, not in reality, but in her mind she has to see herself that way. We don’t talk much and I think it’s because the choices I made led to stability and hers did not. Financially she’s well off, but emotionally it’s a disaster. Our parents, who just turned 85, are not helpful because they’re incapable of complimenting either of us and instead talk about how great I am to her, and how great she is to me.
The point is, I can’t talk to her honestly about anything. Actually, I can’t talk to her about anything at all because she interrupts and takes over the conversation and doesn’t stop until you’re ready to walk away. I am hurting her by not being in pain.
Some people are just like that, and the conversations (eh, monologues?) they have with you are to prod you into a situation where they can separate from you. Sometimes contact hurts and the brain will subtly guide your actions to reduce the hurt.
Try and reexamine some of your run-ins through that lens, Susan, and you may find you weren’t to blame at all. And even if there is fault, ask yourself, “How could I have done anything else given who I was then?” That is how forgiveness and relief arrive.