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When I Surprised Myself
Once a month I facilitate a small group of Jewish women to discuss essays by Jonathan Sacks which focus on Torah. Recently a small group of them felt it was time to make a change in the format, and asked by email if we could discuss a new direction. Since the group has been great to work with, I consented; afterward I remembered that we had tried in the past to have a broader scope for the group (discussing Israel, Israel’s innovations, fashion from Israel; the Dead Sea Scrolls was a closer match). It didn’t fulfill my goals.
Anyway, the day before the meeting I took a deep breath and called the woman who had written me on behalf of the four or so people (out of eight). I was very nervous, and I realized that I love Israel, but my original desire had been to focus on growing in my understanding of Torah with the participation of others. When I made the call, she confirmed that they wanted to “branch out.” Without consciously realizing it, I knew I wanted to feel G-d’s presence so that I could respond to her request in the most genuine, helpful way. So I found myself saying that I thought I understood their request. But I wasn’t sure it was going to meet my original goal in forming the group. I felt strongly about faith and Torah being the center of our discussions. I also wanted her to know that I would be fine, and I meant this in the sincerest way, if the group wanted to form a different group to have the other types of discussions.
There was a long silence.
She said that she really didn’t want a confrontation, and I assured her that neither did I. And I didn’t think there needed to be a confrontation. I loved the people in the group and I wanted to keep working with them.
Inside my heart, I asked myself how I was speaking so productively and calmly. At other times I would have become defensive and critical. But there I was, being reasonable. (Of course, I knew this particular woman was unlikely to get upset with me.)
So I said that I thought we could still discuss the topic at our meeting, and suggested that I send out an email in advance so that no one would be caught off guard. (Also, half the group hadn’t even discussed the possibility of a change.) I knew they would see the email because I had forgotten to send out the Zoom link.
Here is what I wrote to them:
Hi everyone,
I’m writing for a few reasons. First, I’m so sorry to hear that some of you are sick, and I hope you have a rapid recovery. Second, I haven’t sent the zoom link for tomorrow, which I’ll include here. Also, I spoke to E. this morning regarding the interest of some of you to explore expanding the scope of our meetings. I wanted to be clear on the direction you were suggesting.
I think it’s important for me to revisit my purpose in forming this group, and I’ve spent the last few days thinking about it. My goal was to have a group that had discussions that would bring us closer to our faith, that had a spiritual bent. I think, for the most part, we’ve accomplished that goal. I know that I personally have been very rewarded by the process.
It sounds like at least some of you want to broaden that scope. I’m not sure that would be congruent with the goals I originally set. I’m willing to hear your thoughts (for those of you up to attending), so we’ll see where that goes. I also want to say that if you decide to form a new or different group, you are welcome to do so; I wouldn’t, however, be participating.
I don’t in any way want to sound confrontational! I treasure our time together. Also, if there is someone else you’d like us to study and discuss, I’m open to that option.
So I will see you tomorrow, hopefully. Warmest, Susan
During the meeting, we had a heartfelt discussion, talked about some possible ideas, and didn’t rush into a decision. Instead, we agreed to focus on the topics we’d identified over the next few months, and see where that leads us. A few of them volunteered that I hadn’t sounded confrontational at all!
What surprised me about the discussion? That instead of being anxious, I was calm and engaged. I didn’t debate ideas mentioned but kept track of them. They came up with some great topics that were faith- and Torah-based, showing their respect for my goals and a desire to keep working with me. And since we have an hour each month, we can probably still discuss a new Rabbi Sacks essay for now and look at the future agenda during the next few meetings.
I feel like I didn’t do this alone. I was so incredibly grateful to remain calm and enthusiastic. What a blessing!
Published in Religion and Philosophy
I debated whether to write this post. I feel like it sounds like I’m bragging. But that’s not why I wrote it at all. I want people to know that sometimes we have help that we don’t necessarily expect when we’re dealing with an important and sensitive situation. Sometimes we’re on our own. Other times we have help. You just never know.
You were put in a delicate situation and you handled it with delicacy.
Okay, so maybe I’m not the best judge in situations like this.
It’s good to know that we don’t always have to resort to the Carthage solution or some such. Thank you.
Oh, Percival, you are the very best judge and the sweetest!
You’re not bragging about yourself, you’re telling a story about being blessed with divine grace to speak up for your intentions and desires but to do so with other-affirming gentleness. I’m so glad you took the time to share this!
As I was reading the post I was reminded of many years ago when my wife was thinking about asking for a raise in her part-time job. By that time our finances were in a position that her work was not essential to our budget. She was seeking the raise not out of financial need but because there had been no raise even though rates for the service she provided had gone up. So it was a “principle” thing, not an economic necessity. When we discussed it I encouraged her to ask for the raise, but be prepared to quit if it wasn’t granted. I didn’t think she needed to work if she didn’t want to, and that having the freedom to walk away (something her employer knew) would make it a straightforward discussion. She got the raise.
Confrontation usually occurs due to miscalculation. Knowing what you need, what your price for participation is, and willingness to accept “no” and withdraw, makes for a very calm and clear discussion. When people know when and whether you will say “no” alleviates their anxiety as well.
Thanks so very much, Allan. You describe my experience so well. So many people don’t trust that G-d is there for us–if we only reach out.
So very true, Rodin. I knew where my line was.
Well done, indeed!
You’re modeling good behavior, Susan – thank you. Introverts like me tend to feel any disagreement is a conflict, and it doesn’t have to be. Well done. Directly stating your thoughts and inviting discussion – a good tool to have, going forward.
Thank you, Elizabeth. I’m also an introvert! But I’ve learned to draw on my extrovert in key situations.