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Crossing Lines into Apathy
We all have a line. One we don’t want crossed by friend, enemy, relative, or spouse. Such friends, enemies, relatives or spouses may or may not know about the line. But sometimes they do know, and out of love, respect, or fear will not cross that line. Responses to having that line crossed may be varied. The response may be anger, frustration, or withdrawal on our part. I believe one of the most dangerous responses is when we are driven to lose interest in the situation, and, ultimately, lose interest in the person. I have two examples that have occurred recently to friends of mine.
One friend was named medical and financial POA for her widowed father. He was in an assisted living facility two hours away from where she lived, so she allowed her brother to handle the finances. He, apparently jealous that he was not named POA, quickly became a bully regarding what she had to do, and how she had to ‘step up.’ I won’t go into specifics, but it came to a point where whenever she would make the trip to visit her dad (twice a month), she would end up apologizing for her brother’s behavior to staff — as he was always complaining about trivial things so he could deduct an amount from the bill.
Two months ago things came to a head and she was afraid her father would be asked to leave the facility due to her brother’s belligerence. She began exploring options closer to where she lived. Her husband and I, and other relatives, had asked her why she put up with the bullying from her brother. She said she believed that this was what her mother would have wanted, to keep peace in the family. She found that by moving her father to her town, she would not only be able to visit him daily, but also save him around $5000 a month. Her brother and his wife were furious, and as she described, in a very intense phone call, stated he did not care who was POA, and she was not going to move their father. She told me they began “cussing her out” and she calmly told them the phone call was ended. Click.
This was the first time she had actually hung up on them, which a few days later occasioned a tearful apology call from the wife. My friend calmly told her that she was ‘stepping up’ and taking her responsibility of POA more seriously. However, it was that the line had been crossed. She disregarded anything the two of them said after the move. When they had visited the father in the new place, and asked her to meet them for lunch, she declined and said she was busy. When they gave her a list of 20 things (!) that needed to be changed in her father’s small (now memory care) room, she just laughed. She told me, “I don’t care. I don’t care what they want me to do. I don’t care what they do. I’m done with them.” She used to keep up with their posts on Facebook and be interested in their children and grandchildren. Now, she just says, “I don’t care what they are doing. I don’t care what their kids are doing. I do not expect to ever see or talk to them after my father dies.” She told me she is sleeping better and she feels liberated, that a burden has been lifted. Crossing that line into “I don’t care” territory will eventually lead to an estrangement that will likely never heal.
Sorry this is so long, stories like this can be complicated.
Second example. Different friend. This one and her spouse have been together for many, many years. One of the things they enjoyed before getting married was going out to eat to different (and favorite) restaurants. Over the years, because of lack of time or interests, it became one of the only times they went out together. More and more often, rather than eating out, it would be takeout — often from the same restaurants they had frequented.
Her husband knew that she liked to go out. She would ask for sort of a date night, but knew there would be some excuse and takeout became almost the norm. Just this past year they celebrated a milestone wedding anniversary. He promised to take her out to eat. Then her birthday came around, and the promise was made again. But no follow-through. One random day he mentioned going out to eat sometime that week. She answered “Whatever.” They did not go out. He had unknowingly crossed the line, a line she herself may not have realized was there. She came to accept that it was unlikely she was ever going to sit in a restaurant again on his initiative. She told me she doesn’t care anymore if she goes out to eat. If they go, fine, if they don’t, also fine. She will no longer ask, and in a small sense feels liberated from disappointment. But I wonder about the rest of the relationship. Is it still solid?
I think my point with these two stories is that once you ignore someone else’s needs, whether you bully them or abuse their trust, you are on dangerous ground when it comes to that relationship. The emotional connection can be broken. Once you have elicited apathy, there is probably no going back.
Please accept this as a friendly reminder that we need to be aware of those lines. Maybe to alert someone when they are getting too close, in order to preserve what may be a good thing. Maybe to be more responsive to what someone else needs. Although in some cases detachment can be necessary, having a caring, emotional connection to someone is a much better state of mind than apathy.
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How very true! A fine post, Juliana.
This is so very true and also poignantly presented, Juliana. Thank you. It’s said that the opposite of love isn’t hate, but indifference. That’s a sad place for a relationship to find itself and, as you suggest, often impossible to recover.
Your post hit home here. I watched my father attempt to keep a relationship with his horrific mother for years, much to his detriment. It played a role in his death (and it’s way too long a story to get into here). He should have adopted apathy toward her; it would have extended his life. And while I pray for her, I have zero contact with her or that side of the family. Prayer is all I can offer them, and I believe they have nothing to offer me, so apathy is the kindest sentiment in this situation.
Excellent post, Juliana. Thank you for reminding us how fragile and precious relationships can be, and how they needed to be sincerely tended to.
Thank you all for your kind comments. Sometimes we forget that relationships take work on both sides.
Indifference is a survival strategy.
It took me a long time to learn that. I’ve given up trying to maintain relationships with people who don’t reciprocate. They have my phone number, and they know where I live. It’s liberating.
My sister’s friend who passed away a couple years ago had the exact same situation happen when her father passed. When he was alive, she was the one who visited and made sure he was ok and spent time with him. When he passed, her brother and wife who lived in another state suddenly shows up and took over, even though the daughter was executor. He was belligerent and controlling, and took what he wanted. It was even very tense at the funeral my sister said.
The details of the inheritance were worked out, but their relationship was broken, even though the sister was also a good aunt to his kids. Mt sister’s friend passed and the brother was not there. Can you imagine? But I think this happens more than we realize.
As far as the other situation, it is possible that the spouse has developed some health issues that he feels anxious to go out? He may be keeping that from her. If it is not that, she should just meet up with friends and try to get him to see a doctor or counseling. I wonder if they go out together to shop or do other things .
Life and families can be complicated.
Good subject for discussion, @Juliana. As noted above the two cases in the post are completely different. Siblings often have almost no behavioral traits in common and may appear congenial until a significant issue, like wealth, comes into play. Married couples require a totally different view because that population will vary from those who consider themselves what I call “soulmates” with unity on almost all matters to those who have successful marriages because they are together on those matters that are required for that success and may differ on numerous less significant things, personal interests often being one. And, as noted, perhaps something has changed and not yet recognized.
A clarion call for introspection. Which isn’t my strong suit.
I have been thinking about this for a few days now. I had never thought about it as a survival strategy, but that is exactly what it accomplishes. My concern is having this indifference spread to the point where it has a depressive effect and you start to care about nothing.
Mine either. All depends on how strongly you want to hold on to a relationship, I guess.
I don’t advocate indifference to everyone. Perhaps selective indifference is a better way to describe it.
I have a similar problem with my youngest ‘brother’, but I can’t solve it with indifference. Two years ago, he and his wife took my dad to the county courthouse and filed a contract for deed and transfer on death to them. The clerk remembered ‘an older man who seemed confused and tired’. They also wrote a new will and had him sign it. Upon the document filing, my brother became the owner of our father’s house. He no longer had homeowner’s insurance. He lived in the house for six months WITH NO HOUSE INSURANCE before we discovered the crime. And crime it was — if he had refused to reverse his actions, we would have had him and his wife arrested. There was an explosive family argument, with my father present (his health had improved somewhat by then). He yelled, swore at my sister, threatened my brother-in-law with a beating (he left before the fireworks, and laughed at my sibling as he did. That made him even madder.) Three of us recorded the event, and my father repeated his express wishes on his death. We gave a copy to dad’s lawyer, who reversed everything his youngest son did back to how dad had it arranged originally.
I just posted a piece about the auction of my father’s estate this past weekend. We had to work with them while trying to sort a massive quantity of items collected by my mother, father, and dad’s older brother, who moved in with them 3 years before he died. We got more work done when he wasn’t there. His wife worked hard, I’ll give her that, but she would have her phone on to talk to her husband while working. We never knew when he’d burst in with a comment. No, I can’t marshal indifference to that.
During this episode, I also had a case opened against him for financial elder abuse. He doesn’t know I did — yet. He is the typical narcissist — thinks he’s the smartest one in the room, has to ‘one-up’ everyone, whether its money, the fact he’s the only one with sons ‘to carry on the family name’, or even in disease! He has 4 sons — the oldest is 27, then a 24 year old, an 18 yr old, and a 16 year old. None completed high school, they were ‘home-schooled’. They have no social skills, no ambition, initiative, anything. The oldest has been working at the local Pizza Hut for 9 years! The next two were brought by their ‘dad’ from Florida, and are also working at Pizza Hut. The oldest got caught with drugs, got a ‘diversion’, but he can’t even get assistant manager because of it. The two oldest were dumped on their grandfather when the oldest was even 16! He got his GED only because my sister and dad rode him hard. He committed crimes against my dad, but he damaged his sons future even more. Indifference can’t solve this problem.
I really can’t ‘like’ what you are describing. It sounds like you are living in a cukoo clock. I can only hope that in time there will be an end to the chaos and you will be able to live without daily drama. And get some sleep, because I am sure the sleep deprivation is not helping. You have my prayers for your peace of mind.