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Larry King Pleads the Fifth: Time for Another One
Summer was long in Korea this year, but it broke like a thermometer on the tile, and abruptly ended last Thursday. Went from a high of 90 to a high of 75 and hasn’t looked back. As I tilted my head in wonder, like an intrigued cocker spaniel, these thoughts fell onto my shoulder like so much white stuff:
A good name for an Islamic girlie calendar would be “Ji-hotties.”
If you bring a knife to a gunfight, is it still really a gunfight?
I think the least useful superpower would be a super sense of smell. At first, I was going to go with a super-high capacity bladder, but that could prove useful during extended bouts of crime-fighting.
The last time I tried to go shopping at Target, I couldn’t get in. There was a sign on the big door that said “Service Animals Only.” I couldn’t find the door for people.
Reminds me of another problem I encountered once in a Walmart bathroom. There was a sign that said, “Employees must wash hands.” I couldn’t get an employee to wash mine.
I like all manner of ships. I like a sailing ship, fellowship, friendship, mentorship, kinship. But ships have a dark side too: dictatorship.
A Tesla can be charged with battery and so can people.
I honestly can’t remember if I’ve seen “Total Recall.”
I know tartar sauce and mayo are different, but I have no idea how.
If you are nonplussed, does that mean you are minused?
I think Teddy Grahams are delicious but ultimately emasculating.
When we say “not to mention,” we doggone well ARE going to mention it.
If you ever need to solve a murder, the first thing you need to do is buy a ball of red yarn.
I saw a wet market in Malaysia and tried to look away. All I could think of was eminent ptomaine laws.
There’s a Nat King Cole song I’ve been trying to remember. There was even a posthumous “duet” recording of him singing it with his daughter. The melody, words and title all escape me.
Think about it. Somewhere, long ago, the prettiest girl in school was named Bernice.
I don’t think I’ve ever been in cahoots with anyone.
They say you can indict a ham sandwich, and if it’s ever done, I think the trial should be televised.
I don’t like visors. I will never wear one. Mark my words.
If you ever suddenly get a hankering for a fireworks show, close your eyes and rub them real hard.
I’m not quite ready for Bass Pro Shop, but I’m doing pretty good at Bass Amateur.
While everyone is boarding the plane and putting their luggage in the overhead bins, why is there always that one guy going the other way? Where did he come from?
Adding pumpkin spice willy-nilly, without adding the pumpkin flavor, is a fool’s errand and should be discouraged.
Thank you for reading this, and watch out for North Korean trash balloons.
Published in General
This deserves severe punishment.
They can’t all be gems but rarely so many that require an apology.
If You can be “nonplussed,” does that mean You can be “plussed?”
If You are in a group of a minimum of 5 people in a room that requires silence, someone will eventually cough.
I’ve ordered fish in restaurants that don’t know the difference, either.
Do you have a clear conscience or a bad memory?
You are really Stephen Wright, aren’t you?
Needless to say . . . so I won’t.
BTW, have you ever met a gruntled person?
When people lose their ability to speak they sometimes can still do that much.
I’d say he’s Larry King as done by Norm MacDonald
I guess one had to have paid attention to Larry King to get the humor.
That’s absolutely true. But the fact that Norm went to the trouble of doing a parody is some indication that King’s USA Today column was something of a thing many moons ago.
Larry King did his radio show from a table at Duke Zeibert’s Restaurant at Connecticut and L St NW. He was brought food and drinks gratis. One waiter and the bartender told me that in all those years he never left a tip or even a thank you.
The form is something of a perennial. Herb Caen used to regularly knock these off; so regularly in fact that it became his typical column. You can write one of these in advance and pull it out of your files to drop on the editor’s desk as you head out to go fishing.
Yeah, I was trying to remember other columnists who did the same. Those types pretty much have gone away. Breslin?
Royko?
At least in the past, even Thomas Sowell has written some “Random thoughts on the passing scene” columns.
I used to record classical music concerts for my radio station, and noticed how often people coughed between movements rather than during the music. There’s something about a cough that can wait…sometimes.
I think so. Mike Barnicle, too.
Royko and Sowell have done them too.
I don’t remember much about Caen. I think his best years were before I moved to the Bay Area and I never read the Chronicle anyway. Still, I admire the wordsmithing that allowed him to call the Golden Gate Bridge “the car-strangled spanner.”
I don’t remember much about Royko now, but I think Sowell always managed to be above the level of “Why do we park on driveways and drive on parkways?”
Driveways and parkways are not always level. Even on relatively level ground it’s good to have a little slope for drainage.
I thought you were going to list beauty pagents, such as:
Miss Information
Miss Steak
and so on.
My favorite is Miss Chievous. Always a fun girl.
But is Miss Demeanor good, or bad?
Ah, good question!