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Quote of the Day: Some People Don’t Deserve Your Respect
I never make the mistake of arguing with people for whose opinions I have no respect–Edward Gibbon
When people do not respect us we are sharply offended; yet in his private heart no man much respects himself. –Mark Twain
These quotations were so powerful that I refused to pick one over the other. But both have to do with a greatly misunderstood and underappreciated value: respect.
The most serious confusion surfaces for people who feel they must respect certain people: their parents, their bosses, their pastors, their teachers, and even law enforcement. It’s true that having relationships with these people is easier and more rewarding when we respect them, but there is a big difference between respecting them and behaving respectfully toward them. People must earn your respect, and if they act in ways that are deplorable and hurtful, or even disrespectful, you do not owe them respect. But due to their positions in relation to you, I believe you are required to act respectfully, or at least in consideration of the ramifications if you don’t.
What does behaving respectfully mean? Mostly, it means being polite. It means avoiding angry behavior such as raising your voice, or speaking sarcastically. Some would say that it’s acting like a mensch.
Although you could say that these nasty people have not even earned respectful behavior, the actions you take will reflect on you. Can you act like a decent human being when you encounter ugliness? Can you momentarily put aside your grievances and act decently? Nothing is accomplished if you attack other people, except for your feeling momentarily powerful and earning their rejection and criticism. And it leads to questioning your own respect for yourself. If you have a boss or a pastor or any other person who is intolerable, it’s worth asking yourself if you’re in the wrong place. Are you prepared to leave a relationship where disrespect toward you is unacceptable?
We are called to have relationships with people we can respect. Try to make choices that honor that calling.
Published in Group Writing
Usually.
Stop laughing!
We respect people who have attained personal excellence either in some public endeavor (athlete, writer, inventor) or in personal virtue. People who behave as if they are living a code or on a very real mission to do and be good also have a certain perspective and innate wisdom we tend to recognize and seek to borrow, especially when we were still kids.
All of the above requires standards, norms, higher values. When ideology replaces that, virtue, truth, and excellence can come to be treated as liabilities. When art is no longer about beauty intelligible to everyone but is instead whatever powerful critics tell us it is, is a microcosm of academia, journalism, and all else divorced from real human values and made to serve ideological idols. Respect requires some recognizable attachment to innately valuable human truths and qualities. When society is at war with that truth and human nature, respect is merely deference to power.
I think the OP makes a correct distinction between behaving respectfully and giving respect. For example, one may hold a very low opinion of the president or any office holder, rant against them in rallies, talk against them in conferences. But when you are with them as they perform their official duties, you render respect to the office. That is why Pelosi’s tearing up the her copy of the State of the Union speech knowing she was on camera was actually outrageous. And why Obama’s calling out the Supreme Court in his SOTU speech was outrageous as well. Trump was giving a report the President was called upon by the Constitution to render. Supreme Court’s render opinions based on their majority (or greater) view of the requirements of the Constitution. Belittling the individuals in those setting belittle their offices. Stump speeches and press conferences that decry policies or decisions are fine. But using an official occasion to visibly disrespect someone is never correct (IMO).
Very well said Susan. This resonates with me. Most of our neighbors are great, but there are a couple who have been repeatedly disrespectful to me. There is not reason for it because I don’t encounter them often – but I still treat them with respect but no longer go out of my way to speak to them. It’s bizarre really – there are clearly head issues with them.
I was appalled at those incidents. Totally inappropriate.
Though I’ve never heard either quote, both the ideas behind each of them have become more apparent to me as I’ve grown older.
The second reminds me of a Dennis Prager segment about why the Ten Commandments tells us to honor, not respect, our parents.
I thought of that, too, Freeven. Some people have been raised by terrible, abusive parents, but are called to the minimum toward them. Although I must add that some parents appear to be so awful, that one must avoid them at all costs.
I was very surprised that a noted historian and essayist like Gibbon would have that policy.
It may be because he had to economize on his argumentation because of his fame. Even so, it’s still surprising to me.
Do you think Gibbon’s policy was wise?
Have you been following it on Ricochet so far?
If not, do you now think it would be wise to start, now that you know that Gibbon followed it?
Do you think it would be a wise policy for Ricochet intellectuals in general?
When I taught courses on conflict management, I occasionally had someone complain that his boss was a jerk and didn’t deserve his respect, and he wasn’t about to give him any respect. I explained that made sense to me, that he was entitled to his own feelings and didn’t have to somehow manufacture respect for his boss. I did say, however, that he could experience unpleasant consequences if he acted disrespectful to his boss. Instead, I suggested that he be the better person and “act respectfully” or polite when his boss was around. He admitted that doing otherwise could yield unpleasant consequences.
I appreciate your questions, Mark. So here’s Gibbon’s quotation:
I never make the mistake of arguing with people for whose opinions I have no respect–Edward Gibbon
In this political environment, I think his statement is accurate and wise. If I don’t respect a person’s opinions, that translates to my not respecting the person as a whole. Unless a person shows a sincere effort to share ideas and has an interest in learning, there’s no point in arguing with them. My time is too valuable to argue with a wall.
On Rico, however, I feel that I must engage if it’s my own post on almost any occasion. If we don’t get anywhere (reach some kind of understanding or agree to disagree), I rarely pursue the discussion.
Anyone else want to venture in?
Also, as has been pointed out on R in the past, in person you’re typically arguing to change one person’s mind. If that mind is not subject to change, it’s a waste. But in other settings, even if the main “target” of the argument is pointless, there are others witnessing the exchange who might be convinced.
That’s an excellent point, ke! I know I write comments with the recipient and the larger audience in mind. You never know which person you might reach!
That’s especially true in “debate,” of course. Neither side is actually trying to convince the other side, in many if not most situations they were just assigned a subject and even a position to take.
“Don’t waste your breath on fools, for they will despise the wisest advice.” – Proverbs 23:9
Or, in more practical terms, “don’t argue with ignorant people; they will drag you down to their level, and beat you with experience.”
A technique that can help sometimes for those of us who must deal with people who are abusive and deserve no respect:
Say your boss or the family matriarch can be wonderful or else tyrannical and demeaning. When they flip into the destructive side of their narcissistic tendencies, ask them to repeat the remark that is hurtful.
Maybe they will then hear themselves. Then maybe they will deescalate.
Plus doing this gives you a chance to think up a response that won’t get you fired or un-invited from the next family gathering.
And for employment, a chance to record it for HR.
That’s an interesting suggestion, Carol Joy. Unfortunately (or fortunately) I don’t currently have someone with whom I can try it.
I would call that “fortunately.” But you could still pass it along to others who might benefit.
I think it was Oscar Wilde who said (from memory):
I think it depends on the situation and what you are trying to accomplish. I note that he speaks of lacking respect for the opinions and not the people. I think there is wisdom in that distinction, though I agree with Susan that there are people who are undeserving of respect. I think it’s wise to avoid them, unless engaging with them is worthwhile toward some other end (e.g. for the benefit of others).
As I’ve gotten older, I’ve learned to be more mindful of why I’m engaging, and even more so online. (Online bickering can waste your time and destroy your soul.) I try to comment only when I feel I have something to add. I try to figure out if I, the other person, or the audience is apt to learn anything or change their minds. If not, I try to bow out as gracefully as I’m able. Sometimes I comment with others in mind; other times I comment for me, so I can figure out what I think and test my ideas. But I always try to have a goal in mind.
People engage for different reasons. Some want to share knowledge; some want to show off their knowledge; some, I suspect are just looking for conversation with likeminded people, etc. So, again, I think it comes down to why you’re here and what you hope to get out of it. I do think it’s at least wise to reflect on that a bit if you plan to spend much time and energy on it.
A very insightful comment, Freeven. Thank you.
I really didn’t address the second quotation, and it’s a powerful one. What happens when we don’t respect ourselves? How does that affect the choices we make? How does it impact the quality of our lives?