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Enough with the “Dad Jokes”
While it’s refreshing to see the paterfamilias get some love, let’s give the “Dad Jokes” a break and share some “Dad Advice.” What pearls of wisdom were passed on to you? What can you hear your old man saying? The pithier the better. I’ll go first: “Keep your word!”
Published in General
Finish the calculus and the computer science, at least. Crack one open when you get to the philosophy.
Theory of Computation is right on the bubble.
Age 17. Mom went through my closet.
She discovered that I was holding slightly less than a lb of green stuff.
She wanted to kick me out of the house.
My dad intervened. “I used to make gin in the bathtub – smoking this stuff is possibly safer than drinking up what I brewed back in the day.”
My mother curiously shut up. (No wife gives up that easily in an argument but whatever.)
When she was out of earshot, he took me aside.
“What’s the story behind this? You said you didn’t smoke weed.”
“Not really into smoking it. It makes me sleep all day. But a friend is on a trip and his housemates would have gone thru the whole bag if he’d left it at his place.”
“So here is the thing, elder daughter: if you ever get busted by the police, I will come to the police station and bail you out.
“But – and this is a big but – you better have the money on hand to pay for your bail. I will never pay your fines for you. This is because I’m a firm believer in “Don’t do the crime if you can’t do the time.
“In this case it would mean if you can’t pay the fine.”
He gave me the look that said “Absorb this one, little lady.”
We went on to discuss how much of a fine it would be were I to be busted. At the time, in Illinois in the 60’s and 70’s, anything less than a pound would result in a $ 200 fine. My friend had made sure I was holding 15 ounces. I had already put aside 200 bucks.
This time period was when I was figuring out the world. Not the pretty world we learned about at school but the real world.
Had my dad taken a different stance, I might have gone off into further teenaged rebellion. But his stance was a measured total common sense approach, and his words are what I have used as a guide ever since.
My father had an uncanny ability to immediately see through nonsense. I can’t remember how many times the young me would be telling him something I’d read or heard and he’d say “doesn’t pass the smell test” — and upon reflection I’d realize he was right.
And there are never enough Dad Jokes.
My Grandfather used to say that.
My own father passed away from cancer when I was two. My mom ended up raising six kids alone, and as I get older and older, I honestly don’t know how she marshalled the strength and patience to do it. She was 39 when my father died and I remember being 39 and feeling like my day had to be coordinated closely with just my son!
That said, I have attempted to give my son some advice learned over the years that I hope will serve him well. These are just a few that he hears on a pretty regular basis.
“Panic is the enemy of the rational mind.”
“Anger is like a wild animal. Tame it and it can be useful, let it loose and it will hurt you and everyone around you.”
“Don’t work on a problem, work on a solution.” I swap this last one out with “don’t whine about a problem, work on a solution,” quite often.
“What does the Bible say?”
I first heard that from a Mennonite fellow, and in his version it was dogs, not boys. But the same idea — and both are correct.
My favorite dad joke was inside a Father’s Day card my spouse sent to his dad.
It read:
When the Going Gets Tough <short pause to open the card>
The Tough Go Turn on the TV!
My dad was a Justice of the Peace in the little town where we grew up. I used to hang around his courtroom when I was a preteen. I remember his response to a racist comment by an out of town cop, after telling him that language was not permitted in his courtroom. “If I’m going to hate somebody, I need a lot better reason than what they look like.”
He also taught Driver Ed, and woe betide any student of his who wound up in front of him in court for speeding or reckless driving. He would start every class semester by saying, “There are only two rules. 1: Never forget that you are surrounded by idiots. 2: Try not to be one.”
My dad didn’t give me much direct advice. He led by example; he was the most honest man I have ever been around and I cannot tell you how many people told me how they admired his honesty and integrity. On the money side he saved up for all his cars, and bought every one with cash. He helped his father build the house he lived in as a single guy after college; when his parents died, we moved into that house and he bought out the half of it from his sister. So he got to his sixties without ever having actually borrowed money for anything. At that point he got a gas credit card so he could actually have a credit record if he needed it.
I did not do quite as well, but by my sixties we owned our house outright and have had no car loans since. Interesting how much you save when you don’t pay any interest.
Shut up and hold the flashlight.
Yours sounds very much like mine. Honest, extraordinarily responsible, self-controlled, independent — a great man in a hundred small ways.
I got a credit card after one year of marriage because we had been stranded in Arizona due to car trouble, towing and repair exceeding the cash I had on me and not taking out of state checks. But we’ve never paid the excessive interest because we only use it to buy what we have the cash to pay for and pay the bill in full each month. So when we bought our first side by side refrigerator which cost $1500.00 at the time I had just read an article which included the information that the average American family spent $1500 on interest annually not including mortgage interest. I said to Mrs. OS, “We just got a free refrigerator.” Since I figured we’d spent the money saved on interest that way. It’s always cheaper to use cash saved than to borrow but it takes planning as well as self discipline.
As a lawyer, I often remind my wife and kids that people pay me for advice, but I’ll give it to them for free. Strangely, they never take me up on that.
Old Man Skinner’s version replaced the second “boy” in each line with “help.”
Update: Yes, I did follow it . . .
All this said, though, the “Aliens Telling Dad Jokes” are pretty damn funny.
It takes a minute to lose someone’s trust and a lifetime to earn it back.
Amen.
Not My Dad, but, “The greatest obstacle to overcome is a bad reputation.”
I just quoted my dad in GLW’s excellent post. “The only thing you can count on is change.” Although he did say to shut up and hold the flashlight many times he still had sayings he liked. “You’ll have plenty of time to rest when you’re dead. Get back to work.”
My dad said something similar.
“Your inbox will still be full on the day you die.”
I’ve heard the saying that no one on their death bed ever wishes they had more time for work . . .
Old Man Skinner, ever the contrarian, always used to say, and sometimes to a younger, slightly hungover Skinner, “Hard work never hurt anyone. It’s what people do to ‘relax’ that kills them.”
My dad was sitting up in his bed in the CCICU the morning of the day he died (after he dropped off the transplant list), working on his taxes…wanted to get them done so my mom wouldn’t have to deal with them.
I am now old enough that my sons are grown. I wonder what I said that they now remember as advice. (Hopefully useful.)
That’s what a real man would do
I tried to make sure both my kids knew that they could tell me whatever was on their minds, and I would not go bats*** on them. We discussed everything, and calmly…at least, I was calm. I figured it was impossible for me to protect them from a crazy world, and this was the best way to help them learn to cope with it. Seems to have helped; they are good people, with wonderful spouses, building good lives, and I am terribly proud of them.
Sort of like the good ol’ boy’s last words:
“Hey ya’ll! Watch this!”
From time to time, Old Man Skinner would say, Timing is everything.” Like the time during Rodeo week when he said that someone told him they saw my car in a ditch north of town. “Is that right?”
“Yes,” I replied.
Old Man Skinner: Do yo know where my van is?
Me: Yes.
Him: Where?
Me: In the ditch on the other side of the highway.
Him: Do you have a plan for getting them both home?
Me: Yes.
Him: Ok, but I’d wait until tomorrow.
He didn’t have to say anything else, nor did he.