If I Wrote One of Those Old Larry King USA Today Columns

 

Larry King used to write zany stream-of-consciousness columns for USA Today. Norm MacDonald used to love reading them. Apparently, Carson saved them in his desk drawer because he got a kick out of them too. Now, I’m no Larry King. (I’ve never even had a trophy wife.) I’m no Norm or Johnny either, but it sure seemed like Larry had fun with those columns, so I thought I might, too.

Is everyone suffering a post-Pride Month depression? It sneaks up on you and then it’s over so fast.

We have Pride Month already. How about Gluttony Month? Have you seen these people walking around?

I wonder if anyone is thinking of a new switcheroo, or if we are going to keep using the old one.

There are pool parlors, beauty parlors and pizza parlors, but just when you start thinking a parlor is awesome, you remember there are also funeral parlors.

For all his other faults, L. Ron Hubbard didn’t shtup Scientologist “parishioners,” a rare trait in a cult leader. (I guess Tee and Doe in the Heaven’s Gate cult didn’t either, but for my money, asking members to castrate themselves was a bridge too far.)

Before you go back in time to kill baby Hitler, consider baby Karl Marx first. You can always get Adolf on the way back to the present.

I’ve made it this far without ever learning a single card game, and I’m not starting now.

Who looks more like an opossum, George Jones or Vladimir Putin?

If you eat a spoonful of peanut butter and then drink black coffee, the coffee will temporarily taste like a cheap hot dog.

To be fair to Trump, that color isn’t really orange… or are my eyes just deceiving me?

The Beach Boys had only one avid surfer. Neither of the Carpenters built houses. Stephen Foster never traveled to the South. However, Muddy Waters WAS a hoochie-coochie man.

The are some unspoken rules of potato chips, and I feel like Pringles®️ has violated a number of them.

Are there lower-level honchos?

I get annoyed when people refer to “Charlie” Manson like he’s their racquetball partner. Ditto “Bobby” Kennedy.

Is Winnie the only Pooh? Are there other Poohs? Do I have to fill out a lot of forms if I want to become a Pooh?

Clint Howard is not conventionally handsome.

Of all the mints, wintergreen is the dark horse.

If something is understandable, does that mean it is not derstandable?

The greatest invention of the 20th Century? The 21st Century!

I am convinced that at some point in the distant past, Mark Harmon and Tom Cruise were the same person. I’m not sure when it happened, but one became two people. Harmon got the better end of the deal – Pam Dawber.

I feel the pressure on my brain has been relieved a tad. Have a great weekend, America!

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  1. Miffed White Male Member
    Miffed White Male
    @MiffedWhiteMale

    Nicely done.  But instead of a being a list, should they be separated by ellipses (…)?

    • #1
  2. Stad Coolidge
    Stad
    @Stad

    Andrew Troutman: Larry King used to write zany stream of consciousness columns for USA Today. Norm MacDonald used to love reading them. Apparently, Carson saved them in his desk drawer because he got a kick out of them too.

    Rob Long’s parodies of Larry King were the best.  My favorite was the one where Larry interviews himself in a diner after he retired.  I’d love to read it again, but dammit, I didn’t save it!

    • #2
  3. Andrew Troutman Coolidge
    Andrew Troutman
    @Dotorimuk

    Stad (View Comment):

    Andrew Troutman: Larry King used to write zany stream of consciousness columns for USA Today. Norm MacDonald used to love reading them. Apparently, Carson saved them in his desk drawer because he got a kick out of them too.

    Rob Long’s parodies of Larry King were the best. My favorite was the one where Larry interviews himself in a diner after he retired. I’d love to read it again, but dammit, I didn’t save it!

    Oh dang, I haven’t read that.

    • #3
  4. Andrew Troutman Coolidge
    Andrew Troutman
    @Dotorimuk

    Miffed White Male (View Comment):

    Nicely done. But instead of a being a list, should they be separated by ellipses (…)?

    I’m too lazy…

    • #4
  5. Bob Thompson Member
    Bob Thompson
    @BobThompson

    What’s neat about stream of consciousness thoughts is that almost every one prompts another different one for each reader or listener.  

    • #5
  6. Andrew Troutman Coolidge
    Andrew Troutman
    @Dotorimuk

    Bob Thompson (View Comment):

    What’s neat about stream of consciousness thoughts is that almost every one prompts another different one for each reader or listener.

    The Larry King columns were a bit silly in parts, but kind of irresistible too.

    • #6
  7. Randy Weivoda Moderator
    Randy Weivoda
    @RandyWeivoda

    Well done!

    • #7
  8. Eustace C. Scrubb Member
    Eustace C. Scrubb
    @EustaceCScrubb

    “The greatest invention of the 20th Century? The 21st Century!”

    Too early to tell if it was an upgrade.

    • #8
  9. Bob Thompson Member
    Bob Thompson
    @BobThompson

    Eustace C. Scrubb (View Comment):

    “The greatest invention of the 20th Century? The 21st Century!”

    Too early to tell if it was an upgrade.

    I’ve been trying to think of one thing treated or approached the same by all human individuals or, 

    if there are two or more individuals in the world who do all things exactly the same.

    Kind of fits how I think about robots. Do we want to go there?

    • #9
  10. DaveSchmidt Coolidge
    DaveSchmidt
    @DaveSchmidt

    Andrew Troutman (View Comment):

    Miffed White Male (View Comment):

    Nicely done. But instead of a being a list, should they be separated by ellipses (…)?

    I’m too lazy…

    Paid by the word, not punctuation. 

    • #10
  11. kedavis Coolidge
    kedavis
    @kedavis

    Andrew Troutman: Before you go back in time to kill baby Hitler, consider baby Karl Marx first. You can always get Adolf on the way back to the present.

    Of course, anyone familiar with Science Fiction, especially time-travel stories, knows that trying to STOP Hitler is always what CAUSES Hitler.

    Might be the same with Marx, too.

    • #11
  12. OccupantCDN Coolidge
    OccupantCDN
    @OccupantCDN

    kedavis (View Comment):

    Andrew Troutman: Before you go back in time to kill baby Hitler, consider baby Karl Marx first. You can always get Adolf on the way back to the present.

    Of course, anyone familiar with Science Fiction, especially time-travel stories, knows that trying to STOP Hitler is always what CAUSES Hitler.

    Might be the same with Marx, too.

    If you get Marx, (and Engels too, just be safe) would there be a Hitler?

    • Interesting, that google does a historic reference counting algorithm, Karl Marx, was practically invisible until the October Revolution in Russia. That in his own lifetime, Karl Marx was a failure.

    Have you ever been properly whelmed? You’re either over or under, but there isnt a content middle whelming? or sufficiently ruth.

    • #12
  13. Gossamer Cat Coolidge
    Gossamer Cat
    @GossamerCat

    Andrew Troutman: Of all the mints, wintergreen is the dark horse.

    And yet is my overwhelming favorite

    • #13
  14. Andrew Troutman Coolidge
    Andrew Troutman
    @Dotorimuk

    Gossamer Cat (View Comment):

    Andrew Troutman: Of all the mints, wintergreen is the dark horse.

    And yet is my overwhelming favorite

    I’m with you on your wintergreen journey, Gossamer Cat.

    • #14
  15. Andrew Troutman Coolidge
    Andrew Troutman
    @Dotorimuk

    kedavis (View Comment):

    Andrew Troutman: Before you go back in time to kill baby Hitler, consider baby Karl Marx first. You can always get Adolf on the way back to the present.

    Of course, anyone familiar with Science Fiction, especially time-travel stories, knows that trying to STOP Hitler is always what CAUSES Hitler.

    Might be the same with Marx, too.

    What if you just diverted their path by finding them a nice hobby?

    • #15
  16. kedavis Coolidge
    kedavis
    @kedavis

    Andrew Troutman (View Comment):

    kedavis (View Comment):

    Andrew Troutman: Before you go back in time to kill baby Hitler, consider baby Karl Marx first. You can always get Adolf on the way back to the present.

    Of course, anyone familiar with Science Fiction, especially time-travel stories, knows that trying to STOP Hitler is always what CAUSES Hitler.

    Might be the same with Marx, too.

    What if you just diverted their path by finding them a nice hobby?

    One theory of time travel is that time travel does get invented – in the future, of course – and we’re already living in the best possible scenario they could work out.

    • #16
  17. Eustace C. Scrubb Member
    Eustace C. Scrubb
    @EustaceCScrubb

    Andrew Troutman (View Comment):

    kedavis (View Comment):

    Andrew Troutman: Before you go back in time to kill baby Hitler, consider baby Karl Marx first. You can always get Adolf on the way back to the present.

    Of course, anyone familiar with Science Fiction, especially time-travel stories, knows that trying to STOP Hitler is always what CAUSES Hitler.

    Might be the same with Marx, too.

    What if you just diverted their path by finding them a nice hobby?

    A nice hobby? Like bathing?

    • #17
  18. Jim Kearney Member
    Jim Kearney
    @JimKearney

    Stad (View Comment):

    Andrew Troutman: Larry King used to write zany stream of consciousness columns for USA Today. Norm MacDonald used to love reading them. Apparently, Carson saved them in his desk drawer because he got a kick out of them too.

    Rob Long’s parodies of Larry King were the best. My favorite was the one where Larry interviews himself in a diner after he retired. I’d love to read it again, but dammit, I didn’t save it!

    https://www.nationalreview.com/magazine/2010/12/31/last-official-transcript-larry-king-live/

    • #18
  19. kylez Member
    kylez
    @kylez

    I saw this about Pooh recently:

    https://youtube.com/shorts/lle9EFYJXas?si=L7K6JvJWTRaQI-xQ

    • #19
  20. Andrew Troutman Coolidge
    Andrew Troutman
    @Dotorimuk

    Eustace C. Scrubb (View Comment):

    Andrew Troutman (View Comment):

    kedavis (View Comment):

    Andrew Troutman: Before you go back in time to kill baby Hitler, consider baby Karl Marx first. You can always get Adolf on the way back to the present.

    Of course, anyone familiar with Science Fiction, especially time-travel stories, knows that trying to STOP Hitler is always what CAUSES Hitler.

    Might be the same with Marx, too.

    What if you just diverted their path by finding them a nice hobby?

    A nice hobby? Like bathing?

    Yes, although I feel like it wouldn’t occupy enough of his time, even when using a fine soap like Irish Spring®️.

    Experience the crisp, classic scent you love with Irish Spring®️ Original Bar Soap. (Unpaid advertisement)

    • #20
  21. MoFarmer Coolidge
    MoFarmer
    @mofarmer

    I laughed all the way through.  You should do this monthly.  Or weekly.

    • #21
  22. Andrew Troutman Coolidge
    Andrew Troutman
    @Dotorimuk

    MoFarmer (View Comment):

    I laughed all the way through. You should do this monthly. Or weekly.

    Thank you for reading it all!

    More coming.

    • #22
  23. OccupantCDN Coolidge
    OccupantCDN
    @OccupantCDN

    Andrew Troutman (View Comment):

    MoFarmer (View Comment):

    I laughed all the way through. You should do this monthly. Or weekly.

    Thank you for reading it all!

    More coming.

    Kinda like this:

    • #23
  24. Andrew Troutman Coolidge
    Andrew Troutman
    @Dotorimuk

    OccupantCDN (View Comment):

    Andrew Troutman (View Comment):

    MoFarmer (View Comment):

    I laughed all the way through. You should do this monthly. Or weekly.

    Thank you for reading it all!

    More coming.

    Kinda like this:

    Will someone tell me what the diddy wah diddy means?

    • #24
  25. kedavis Coolidge
    kedavis
    @kedavis

    Andrew Troutman (View Comment):

    OccupantCDN (View Comment):

    Andrew Troutman (View Comment):

    MoFarmer (View Comment):

    I laughed all the way through. You should do this monthly. Or weekly.

    Thank you for reading it all!

    More coming.

    Kinda like this:

    Will someone tell me what the diddy wah diddy means?

    You mean like:

     

    • #25
  26. Stad Coolidge
    Stad
    @Stad

    Andrew Troutman (View Comment):
    even when using a fine soap like Irish Spring®️.

    I read that Roma Downey was turned down for the role of the Irish Spring girl because she didn’t sound Irish . . .

    • #26
  27. Andrew Troutman Coolidge
    Andrew Troutman
    @Dotorimuk

    Stad (View Comment):

    Andrew Troutman (View Comment):
    even when using a fine soap like Irish Spring®️.

    I read that Roma Downey was turned down for the role of the Irish Spring girl because she didn’t sound Irish . . .

    She was awful purty though.

    • #27
  28. Stad Coolidge
    Stad
    @Stad

    Andrew Troutman (View Comment):

    Stad (View Comment):

    Andrew Troutman (View Comment):
    even when using a fine soap like Irish Spring®️.

    I read that Roma Downey was turned down for the role of the Irish Spring girl because she didn’t sound Irish . . .

    She was awful purty though.

    I’d believe she was an angel even if she didn’t play the role . . .

    • #28
  29. OccupantCDN Coolidge
    OccupantCDN
    @OccupantCDN

    Stad (View Comment):

    Andrew Troutman (View Comment):

    Stad (View Comment):

    Andrew Troutman (View Comment):
    even when using a fine soap like Irish Spring®️.

    I read that Roma Downey was turned down for the role of the Irish Spring girl because she didn’t sound Irish . . .

    She was awful purty though.

    I’d believe she was an angel even if she didn’t play the role . . .

    Never heard of this one… I was thinking of Highway to Heaven with Michael Landon.

    • #29
  30. Stad Coolidge
    Stad
    @Stad

    OccupantCDN (View Comment):

    Stad (View Comment):

    Andrew Troutman (View Comment):

    Stad (View Comment):

    Andrew Troutman (View Comment):
    even when using a fine soap like Irish Spring®️.

    I read that Roma Downey was turned down for the role of the Irish Spring girl because she didn’t sound Irish . . .

    She was awful purty though.

    I’d believe she was an angel even if she didn’t play the role . . .

    Never heard of this one… I was thinking of Highway to Heaven with Michael Landon.

    I really enjoyed the show.  Roma Downey played an angel in training to become an unsupervised “caseworker.”  As Monica, she worked for Della Reese (Tess) helping people in trouble.  The two best episodes (IMOH) were the first Christmas episode, and the series finale.  I could talk about those, but that would include spoilers . . .

    • #30
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