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Slip Slidin’ Away
Lately I’ve been in a bit of a snit, and anyone would have to admit I have good reason for my crankiness: the attacks in Gaza and by Iran on Israel, the fecklessness of our legislature, a president who is frightening in his ineptness and cluelessness. Those are enough “nesses” to put anyone in a bad mood. And yet, I usually manage to pull myself out of my annoyance by remembering how much I have to be grateful for.
It wasn’t working this time.
Now, my family has a history of depression, so that reminder always lingers in the background. And in spite of my increasingly good health, I do have some aches and pains. But none of that rose to the level of dis-ease that I’ve been experiencing.
This morning, I finally figured it out.
I’m getting old. Not just older, but old.
I used to be a person who was a quick learner; when I learned something new, it usually stuck with me without a whole lot of effort. I used to be able to concentrate through long texts and grasp new ideas with ease. I’ve always been pretty good with names, and although my overall writing vocabulary pales in comparison with some of our other writers on Ricochet, a word I’m searching for usually “shows up” (or I try the synonym search in Word).
But I’m finding that only old and familiar things come easily anymore.
It annoys me. And it scares me.
I finally realized what I was experiencing through a new endeavor I’ve been working on. I signed up to volunteer for Convention of States and I’m very glad I did. Except that the learning curve has been daunting. I’ve been writing blog posts that address the U.S. issues of the day; topics can sometimes be a challenge, but there are so many appalling happenings in this country that I expect I won’t run out of subjects for a while. And my experience of how to format posts on Ricochet has gone a long way toward helping me feel less uncomfortable in a new environment.
But the format is new and intimidating and sometimes overwhelming.
The people at COS have been extremely kind and helpful and assure me that I’m doing well. But I don’t feel like I’m doing well. I feel as if I’m slogging along, frustrated with my lack of retention and the speed with which I’m learning. At the same time, I know that I’m overreacting to my experience, but that understanding is not always reassuring.
I finally realized this morning that my brain is not as adept as it was 20 years ago at learning new things. Of course, learning new things is precisely what will exercise my brain. But I’m spoiled about my past experience, and uneasy about my current inability to adapt.
I shared my unease with a person who has been coaching me with COS, and she was wonderful. She’s about my age, very bright and helpful, and she reassured me that she knew just what I was talking about, and added a few of her own struggles. And once again she assured me that I was doing a great job, and she was always glad to help. And I came away with a more positive and optimistic perspective.
My goal is to settle in to understanding and appreciating my current reality, and enjoying all that life has to offer.
Still, I can’t help feeling like a part of me, not just my brain, but who I am as a person, is slip slidin’ away.
If you’d like to share your own challenges, please do.
Published in Healthcare
Completely agree!
And they weren’t shot down, they experienced low altitude engine failure.
Maybe the cannibals shot them down, hoping to catch some lunch.
May the best story win!
Maybe a dingo ate them.
Thank you for your thoughtful comment, WS. Your little computers sound fascinating! I think it’s so helpful to have something we’re passionate about. I can understand your wanting to read thrillers. The current non-fiction books are so depressing; I’m not reading much of those anymore. I’m reading Bret Baer’s book on FDR, and have learned a few things about that time that I didn’t know. Biographies are really my favorite: it’s a great way to study history, and even more than one book about a particular person is fascinating. It shows how complex we all are: the writer and the subject.
Yes. And I think I read that dingo attacks on the dementia-adjacent have more than quadrupled since dingoes got the internet.
Some internet dingoes maybe, but I had one spend an hour on the phone with me updating my extended car warranty so they’re not all bad.
I do get confused at the subtle distinctions between the plaintive howl of the New Guinea singing dog, the laugh of the hungry hyena, and the telemarketing voice of the extended car warranty-selling dingo.
Moses is far more alive than we are. Matt 17:3 “Just then there appeared before them Moses and Elijah, talking with Jesus.” (Part of the transfiguration)
@susanquinn, first, you are amazing and made a lasting impression on me as an absent neighbor in the Ricochet hood. I finally and completely ended forty years of membership to NR last month (many whys piled up), and I came here in the wee hours just prior to finishing some work work (because I’m slower now), and stumbled upon your post when last week’s tiny saved tab distracted me with its R ico image. So, distracted as O.G.s (old guys/gals) can be, I put aside the work for a few moments to knock on your door and leave a note.
To pay off the mortgage, I’ve about a half dozen years left in the work game, and I know what you’re feeling. I looked into COS and did some trainings after speaking with our regional coordinator – a highly-energized, former FBI agent who has turned his federal chagrin into positive action. I have not made that perspective change a priority. Yet. Bravo to you!
I started feeling that my mental practice began to be “off” in my mid-30s and has slipped further as the years progressed. Thank goodness I have always been bad at names – because I’m worse! If you haven’t yet, please check out this book, which directly answers the cause and next steps: From Strength to Strength: Finding Success, Happiness, and Deep Purpose in the Second Half of Life. It helped me much!
WRT depression and what not, when I’m similarly funked, I ask Alexa to play REM’s “It’s the End of the World as We Know and I Feel Fine (I interpret that means God is in control).”
Finally, we also live in a field of spiritual battle – apart from Earth’s everyday good and evil, joy and sorrow – and I relish relistening to Fr. Gallaway’s The Discernment of Spirits: An Ignatian Guide for Everyday Living (whose link seems missing from Amazon/Audible for some reason).
Satan’s got a hand to play, and we need to realize he sits a the same table as God in our souls.
That’s it. I may be back. Peace, joy and purpose in your continuing wonderfulness!
I’m deeply touched by your comments! Welcome to Ricochet! Judging from your writing, you should be posting, too. I’m glad my message had meaning for you, and I’m glad you shared a little of your story. I will check out the book, too. Thank you.
I’ve ordered it. I didn’t realize until then that it was an Arthur C. Brooke book. The man is awesome, not just in his ideas but in how he lives his life. Thanks.
@susanquinn I have frequently said here on Ricochet that I believe 1913 was the year our destiny was set. David Walker, former Comptroller-General and head of the General Accounting Office agrees. Here is a clip where he discusses a proposal for a COS. I didn’t know if you are familiar with his positions and thoughts: