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In a shocking development, Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau and California Governor Gavin Newsom married in a low-key ceremony on Valaa Private Island situated in Noonu Atoll. The political leaders chose to exchange vows in the Maldives in part to draw attention to the urgent need to fight climate change, according to the newly-minted power couple’s spokesperson.
All those in attendance wore masks with the exception of Newsom. Trudeau donned blackface and a Pride pin on his lapel while the governor wore one that read “I’m boosted!” Both grooms wore dark blue, pinstriped suits from Brooks Brothers which cost more than you make in a year. New York Times op-ed writer David Brooks marveled at the “crispness of their pant creases” while Chris Matthews, whose job has never been clear, confirmed that the mere presence of Trudeau and Newsom sent a thrill up his leg.
Those in attendance were a veritable who’s who of cultural and political elites including Oprah, Angela Merkel, Klaus Schwab, John Kerry, and, oddly, red-sweater guy Ken Bone. After the ceremony guests dined on a variety of insects with the exception of Kerry, who insisted that filet mignon is the “only real option for a person like me.”
The unexpected union of Trudeau and Newsom is seen by many as the nexus of a “new progressivism,” one situated at the crossroads of Canadian illiberalism and California one-party rule.
At press time, the streets of Canadian cities from Vancouver to Montreal held raucous celebrations marking what the Toronto Star referred to as “Canada’s first lesbian prime minister.”Published in