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Best Friends
This afternoon, I came across an article in the Wall Street Journal about two men who had been best friends for over 60 years. Considering the ups and downs that life had presented them, the endurance of their relationship is pretty impressive.
I started to think about the small number of friends I have currently in my life, and that’s a rich subject I haven’t explored much lately. Many years ago, I had a good friend who laughed at my description of a woman I called my best friend; he didn’t understand how any one person who could fill that singular role in my heart. He might have been right, since my friendship with her eventually dissolved.
Over the years, the people I would call a best friend have been few. I’m not even sure why I would call them best friends: what made them so special that they stood out from any other person in my life?
In many ways, I would call my husband my best friend, and he would likely call me his. (We have this favorite joke that he’s my “favorite husband” since he’s my one and only husband, but he admits it’s not quite the same for him to call me his favorite wife—I’m his second wife.) He has supported me through religious transitions, cancer, major disappointments, and losses. He knows me better than anyone. He knows how to make me laugh. And he’s steady as a rock.
Aside from spouses, I wonder how many people have a best friend. How does a person rise to that special place? Is there some special chemistry? Have one of you in the relationship come to the rescue of the other? Have you shared many life experiences, good and bad, that created a unique bond? Is having a best friend all that important?
It’s not like I haven’t been blessed with friends who are special to me. There’s Chris, who passed away a couple of years ago; or Diane, who makes me laugh and I return the favor; or Diana, with whom I have an extraordinary rapport and share many interests; or Louise who has been such a blessing. And within Ricochet, I see many people as more than acquaintances but truly as friends. But I feel as if I would be presumptuous to call any of them best friends.
The one person in my life right now whom I think it’s fair to call my best friend lives in another state now; her husband is terminally ill, having suffered multiple cancers. Now that she doesn’t live in Florida, we both comment to each other that we miss our breakfasts together. In many ways we are different, but we share a great range of values, and our connection is at a spiritual level. I miss her a lot.
So how do you relate to the idea of “best friends”? Do you have one? Do you have many? Does it matter whether you call him or her a best friend?
Published in Culture
Many years ago there was a poll on Ricochet concerning whether one typed oneself as an introvert or an extrovert. As I recall, introverts won handily. I don’t know whether this might affect responses to this post, but my impression (as an introvert) is that extroverts tend to have lots of “best” friends.
I never think of friends as “best” but I do think of them as “close,” or not, and there are gradations of closeness. Besides a meeting of the minds, closeness usually requires that a considerable amount of time be spent together,* either in person or in some sort of communication, although there can be long times apart without harm. In fact recalling time together with a close friend is a part of friendship, too. So in my life I have experienced seasons full of friendships, some close, and seasons that could only be called “dry.” Most of that was dependent on factors like age, family, and work situation.
I have a high regard for some friendships that were special to me because my friend, close or not, knew how to be a good friend in difficult circumstances. This is a gift, even though receiving the gift has caused me to recall with pain the times that I myself did not perform the office with distinction. But that is a different subject.
*An exception might be the brief friendship of two philosophers described long ago by a professor in a class on Aristotle’s Nicomachean Ethics: Philosopher One: “God.” Philosopher Two: “I know what you mean.”
What a gem of a comment, Sandy!! I especially like the one I copied here. And I like substituting “close” for “best”; as an introvert, that makes the most sense to me. Thanks!
Lovely post, Susan. I completely “get” the “spouse as best friend” model myself, and having seen the two of you in action I know that you do too–in both directions.
Outside of that relationship, my very best friend of half-a-century died last October.
We met when I was a college undergraduate and she was a new mother. Her husband was a teaching assistant at Duquesne University, and was seconded to duty when my freshman comp teacher had a heart attack and had to miss the rest of the semester.
Andrea and Bernie had two daughters. I babysat them in their infancy. Andy and Bernie were both students of Mr. She. Bernie–as I’ve already implied–was my own teacher.
Yes, Andy and I shared many life experiences, both good and bad, and we rescued each other at times of devastating loss, as we also, along the way, celebrated heartening triumph. (Often with ice cream, LOL.)
I don’t know about the chemistry. We were very different. She admired my “never say die” attitude. I admired her quiet, charitable, perseverance. Perhaps we learned something from each other.
What’s left? Her daughters, world-class scholars and dear friends both. Penny the cat. And–in a different dimension–some other very good friends she left behind, knowing that I’d care for them just as much as she had. As I do.
Life goes on. And I’m grateful for my friends, including all of you.
I wrote a post about Andy and Bernie here, many years ago, in which I called them “Eleanor and Roger.” They’re both gone, so I suppose their real identities don’t matter anymore.
Lord, I miss my friend.
I find myself, on the cusp of my eighth decade in life (for those of you in Rio Linda, that means I’m almost 70) with quite a few “good friends,” but not really one “best.”
Maybe that’ll change soon. Or perhaps it won’t.
Either way, I’m grateful for what’s gone before, I’m relatively content with the present, and I’m looking forward to the future.
A good friend in Houston just called (he’s 85+). I’m blessed in that he calls at least once a week and we talk about family, friends, this and that.
He’s on the short list of people to call if I die. Anyhow, the reason for the call matters just now: A close friend his that he went to school withn (East Texas), worked with, had special times with, just had a stroke so is in ICU and not expected to survive. He was much disturbed.
What a blessing to have friends like that! O to be such a one!
Such a sweet comment, She. Especially all those intimate connections. Thanks.
It’s odd: I’ve lost best friends in this long (interminable) season of political nonsense. My best friends of long standing are liberals, you see, and that means that I am Deplorable. They still love me, and we still communicate, we just don’t actually spend much time together anymore. The worst rift—accompanied by yelling—concluded with the two of us admitting that we will never NOT be friends. By this time, it’s like being sisters: You just are. There’s no escaping it.
And I think one day this may actually move back to a talking-every-day sort of friendship, mostly because the Issues my friend and I disagreed about are resolving, if I may say so, in favor of …can I say “my position?” Or just the obvious: Defund the police was a very bad idea. Joe Biden is a scumbag. Etc.
Still, it’s a bummer.
My husband has hung in there, though—God bless him.
What a stupid, pointless, destructive divisive nonsense we’re all being put through!
Sorry: You weren’t talking politics. And, really, neither am I.
Susan, You are very blessed to have a husband you can call your best friend.
As an architect, I have dealt with many , many couples over the last 35 yesrs in kind of an intimate way where you can really see how their relationship really works.
Sadly , I can say from that experience there are very few couples that have a good relationship and very, very few that would seem to have a relationship as good as yours.
Not to get into the gory details , but I have seen my share of abusive husbands and way too many wives who only see their husband as a meal ticket to a better life and care very little of how he feels , what he thinks or what he cares about.
That’s so tragic. And don’t misunderstand–we have our differences! But I think over the years we’ve learned a lot about each other, pick our battles carefully, and let go of the trivial as much as possible. We’ll be married 50 years next year.
One thing that sort of makes me want to throw up are these wedding toasts when (usually the groom) claims that his bride is his “best friend” (and everyone gets all gooey and says “awwwwwww”). If it was about friendship, there would be no need for vows. At the same time, if a groom made a toast to some other woman in attendance acknowledging her as his “best friend,” I expect he’d come to regret it pretty quickly.
You asked how we relate to this, and I cannot think of any time when I would have considered any female as my “best friend.” Might use the term “friend” as that gets bandied about pretty freely, “but then, I’m a man.”*
[*this phrase comes from a Marine taking a course with me and who declined my offer to lend him use of my umbrella]
I read once (here on Ricochet? can’t remember) that “best friend” is a category, not a particular person. I found that to be a very useful distinction.
Mr. Charlotte is definitely my best friend among equals. But there are a few others in that category, and sometimes people drift in and out of “best” status, which is okay too.
I don’t think I’ve ever had a man (except my husband) whom I would call a best friend. I know there are some who experience it, but men and women have different “chemistry” (I don’t know what to call it) and it requires being aware of the limitations that are built in to the relationship.
I think that’s what I was trying to get at. The special trust and confiding that occurs among best friends is of a different nature than the necessity of trust and adherence to vows in a marriage. And I’m doubtful that, certainly in my youth at least, that I could have had that special level of trust with a woman without an accompanying desire for intimacy – which would be a sure-fire way of messing up a “friendship.”
I’ve had a couple “best friends” in the past and may have hoped at one time that those relationships would endure. But only my marriage has lasted and that is due to commitments that far exceed the comparatively looser bounds of friendship.
Well said, Brian. Marriage is in its own çategory.
It’s been hard for me to hold on to best friends outside the family, and I seem to be without one for now. Each one has that extra essence that makes them unforgettable. In high school, it was the girl that understood and accepted me, who sought me out when I was socially on the fringes, with whom I shared some threads in common. I made her laugh, sometimes unintentionally.
In college there were fun buddies, but no best friends. No connection made that permanent click. I don’t know why.
During my first years of teaching, it was another teacher. She and I loved to collaborate–we seemed to read each other’s minds. She was so creative and had a lilting voice, extra wisdom, a love of learning, and an endearing way of enjoying the little things. I still know her and love her, but we’ve lived across the country from one another for years. Last time we got together, we fell easily into conversation. Her life has been hard, but things are going well now.
My sister-in-law, too–so sweet and loving, with an artistic streak and comfortable laugh. Once, we stayed up talking until five a.m.. She talked happily about “kindred spirits” when we met. Her life circumstances, as with my other friend, have been brutal. I need to get in touch with her.
A strong Christian from my church became a close friend. For various reasons, we’re no longer in touch, and I miss her and tell her so via Facebook messaging. We could meet at a coffee shop and talk for ages. I felt honored that she singled me out as a special friend.
It’s almost as if I’m too busy now to pursue friendships, but now and then I look up from my work and miss the times I could go to town on a blue sky day and indulge in deep conversation over a decaf.
I realized reading everyone’s comments that my “best” friends have always been my sisters. We’re all getting pretty old…We have grandchildren who are halfway finished with college! But, they are the people I always turn to when things are good or great or bad or awful. They will ALWAYS be there for me. Always.
But I also have a couple of friends who aren’t relatives that have been there for decades and keep up our relationships no matter where we live. One is a man, a couple are women. They, too, would do anything, anytime, to help me with a jam. And also rejoice in my joys, too.
The toughest thing I’ve ever experienced is when my husband of 49 years passed away (ten months ago). I find myself constantly thinking how he’ll laugh when I tell him about this or that. Or I hear a song on the radio driving around town and remember when it was part of our lives. Or just eat something that he loved, too. And…dang…I don’t get to tell him, or share the memory, or the tasty treat. I guess that’s the price of true friendship…you give yourself to another, and when they’re gone, part of you goes too.
Such a touching description, Sawatdeeka. You show many of the descriptions of dear friends, the challenges, the soulful. Thanks.
So glad to hear from you, CG. I can’t imagine the pain. Thanks.
I have three best friend men. One from High School, one from College, and one from Adulthood. I am very blessed.
I also consider my wife, Linda, one of my best friends. She is the person in the world I can be wholly me with.
I have three best friends I’ve known for 62 years, another for 57 years, and another for 56 years. While I have many friends on Ricochet and places I’ve worked as well as college, these guys are my oldest and dearest friends.
Interestingly enough, I don’t consider my wife a best friend. Maybe it’s because I believe marriage is a special relationship that transcends friendship. I don’t know . . .
Oh my goodness. I know exactly what your talking about. I, too, lost my husband about 10 month ago. Every time I do something we used to do together brings back the pain. There are so many things I don’t want to do or eat or watch on TV because they’re things we did together. Yes, he was my best friend. Prayers to you…..
I have quite a few dear friends but I don’t have them ranked. Curiously, even though most of my close friends are from Ricochet and men seem to substantially outnumber women as members here, I probably have twice as many close female friends as male.