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TPTB TV: The Iger Sanction
(Cold open) Interior of a busy television studio, about to go on the air. There’s a set of a wood paneled room with floor-to-ceiling bookcases. A fireplace crackles. A distinguished-looking man in a smoking jacket puts down a brandy snifter and faces the camera.
“Hello, I’m David Mamet. Plenty of people call me the greatest living American playwright, and obviously they are the only ones whose opinions matter. The producers have asked me to explain this new show to you. It’s a satire” (he takes a deep swig of brandy) “called The Powers That Be. What’s so special about it?” (Mamet refills his glass and takes another deep swig) “It’s the show that ‘they’ can’t cancel!”
He tosses the empty bottle away. “Because half the people in it have already been canceled! And the rest of us will be by the end of the show…” (From outside the studio, we hear an angry mob banging on the doors.)
“…provided we can hold them off that long!”
(TPTB Series animated title logotype) (Sound of rappers chanting)
The Powers…That Be! The Powers…That Be!
On screen, TPTB appears as giant animated letters in front of a mountain range, like the Hollywood sign.
Fade in. To the theme music of Walt Disney’s Wonderful World of Color:
The world is a carousel of power…Wonderful, ultimate power!
On a darkened stage, under a brilliant red neon sign that reads, The Powers That Be, a middle-aged man with a mustache, once as familiar as a favorite uncle, steps into a spotlight. “Hi, I’m Walt Disney. As you know, I died in 1966. As you can imagine, I’ve been spending a lot of time lately turning over in my grave. Tonight, I’m going to introduce you to a promising new sketch show that claims it will lampoon the absurdly self-important lives of our elite masters!”
The room lights on the set come up and Walt strides briskly over to a wall-sized map of a theme park shaped like a four-leaf clover. “These are the worlds of The Powers That Be: Moneyland, Medialand, Government City, and Academia.” He waves a pointer as he talks. “Tonight’s episode takes place in Medialand. Our story brings us to a place I knew well.” He has a twinkle in his eye.
(Drum roll) (Announcer) Now, let’s meet the so-called “media god” who holds the throne of today’s Disney, and you’ll see why we call our Ricochet version (Music climax. Drum roll)
The IGER Sanction!
Tinkerbell flies in and makes the image disappear with a flash of a magic wand.
Fade in after a break. Announcer: “Chairman of the Walt Disney Company. Director of the Disney Entertainment group. Supreme decider and tastemaker of the world’s largest seller of family entertainment. Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Robert Iger!”
Iger is in his palatial office, on a Zoom call to Wall Street bankers and stockbrokers. They aren’t happy. “You told us wokeness wasn’t going to hurt the bottom line! What happened?” Iger squirms in his seat. “Controversy is box office, right?” he says.
“No! We only wanted the kind of controversy that people will agree with and pay to see!” The hundred faces of Wall Street crammed into the Zoom screen sneer at Iger. “These losses. Bob! They’re horrendous! Unprecedented! Positively obscene! You’re losing a hundred million dollars a picture! When you’re lucky! How do you explain this?”
“We make it up on volume!” Iger frantically motions to a shelf of tapes behind him. “They may be awful flops, sure…but you can’t deny that there are a lot of them!”
“How long will it take you to turn this around?” Iger has a rehearsed response. “The second quarter of 2025,” he says confidently. The Wall Streeters confer among themselves and return to the call to reply. “We’ll give you ten minutes.”
Bob Iger stands up and strikes a leadership pose. “Then that’s all we need. We’ve got a musical way of explaining our one and only strategy—identity politics! Hit it, boys.”
(Upbeat percussive urban music) A multicultural song and dance troupe takes the stage in front of a stylized campus scene, “Academia.” Costumed as grungy students, they dance in through the portals of The Happiest Place on Earth. They are instantly transformed into expensively dressed Disney bureaucrats, all doing the same step, dancing to the same tune, set to the opening theme of In Living Color. Their boast:
Make ‘em mad and you don’t care who,
Screw the opponents you want to screw,
No one protests what you’re going to do,
(Chorus) Divisive color!
Bob Iger jumps to his feet, and with surprising agility, he’s soon dancing to the new beat, falling into easy synchronization with the college radical crowd. He reaches out to them.
I’ll make sure that you win every fight,
If woke’s not a joke then our futures are bright,
I’m a rich white man who can sleep well at night,
(Chorus) Divisive Color!
Iger grins and waves them on through the instrumental solo while Wall Street watches over Zoom. Even some top corporate boards are starting to dance to the beat. But they’re all caught by surprise at the unexpected response from dissatisfied, angry parents, flooding out of overpriced theaters and theme parks. Black and white factions unite, filling the sides of the stage and pointing fingers at Iger.
We’re so blue ‘cause you don’t think through
Your nasty policies are going to do,
Your ‘well-intentioned’ arrows just shoot us right through,
(Chorus) Divisive color!
The groups of dancers begin converging on Iger menacingly. He frantically looks to escape, but his other paths are blocked. He makes an impressive run straight up a wall, but falls back into the angry arms of his employees, who toss him over to frustrated stockholders. Everyone’s closing in on Bob Iger. He pleads for understanding:
I’m not the villain you think I am,
Not long ago, you called me friend,
Some dumb ideas made good things end
But mere moments before anything unseemly might happen to Bob Iger, the dancers all freeze motion for the final chorus–
Divisive Color!
(Station break) (Local station announcer) This is Channel 76, carrying the Ricochet Invisible Television network broadcast of The Powers That Be. Remember to tune in early Sunday for RIT’s Holy Writ. And now, back to our program.
(TPTB Series animated title logotype) (Sound of rappers chanting)
The Powers…That Be! The Powers…That Be!
Announcer: “And now we hear from the post’s author.” The author and the interviewer are unseen, off camera, while we watch the studio crew set up for the next segment.
“As prototypes, the TV show The Good Place and Albert Brooks’ film Defending Your Life are both set in a matter-of-fact, present-day, reassuringly normal heaven or a heavenlike something-or-other with power over the mortal world. I thought, why can’t a conservative play with that premise?”
(Unseen interviewer) What did the studios say to that?
“They threw us out of the office.”
Fade in. To the theme music of Walt Disney’s Wonderful World of Color:
“America is a grappling ground of Color! Born with it, lives with it, Color!”
“I’m James McEachin, proud American, black man, actor, author, and Korean War veteran. I’m here tonight to talk about the hero of my favorite Disney film of 1995. Incidentally, this is the only TV program that will openly discuss our strange national aversion to a certain “N word.” (Glenn Loury and John McWhorter look up in alarm.)
(Will Smith shakes his head.) “Uh, Jimmy Mack, you know there’s a time and place, and this is not the time or the place…”
“Well, I’m sorry, Will, but it’s a word, not a curse, and I’m going to say it out loud—
Nixon!
That’s right! You heard me! I said Nixon! Say amen, somebody!”
(In the background, seen on a monitor in the darkened studio, a clip of President Nixon giving a gracious tribute to Duke Ellington in 1969.)
(Kanye West suddenly breaks into the broadcast. Emphatic close-up.) “Say his name! Say it out loud! Richard Nixon!”
(Will shakes his head in mock horror) “If you’re going to use language like that, I’m gone. I can’t afford the controversy. Fade to black. Or blacker. Or something.”
Title: The Critics Speak! A page of Variety, the business “Bible” of showbiz, whirls up to the screen. It’s a review of the show we are watching, The Powers That Be. Zoom in on the words. “TPTB takes us behind the scenes as omnipotent but inept public figures somehow stumble through one failed PR campaign after another…” (forlorn trumpet flourish)
The image whirls away, replaced by a zoom-in on a TV review in The New Republic. “The conservative jokesters of TPTB appear to have no human empathy…” (bolder twin trumpet flourish)
Topped by a headline quote from the Washington Post: “Vile From New York, it’s The Powers That Be!” (supremely proud trumpet flourish)
Abrupt cut to a live camera. Two chairs are hurriedly pushed into the picture by stagehands. Two women seat themselves and are miked up by a technician. One is actress Stacey Dash. Candace Owens leads off.
“This is sort of an improvisation, because tonight’s show ran short. Stacey and I were here to rehearse next week’s show, so they stuck us on camera. So, uh, Stacey, what are we doing next week?”
“Did you ever see a comedy, Hollywood Shuffle? 1987. Black director was also the star, Robert Townsend. He plays a dishwasher at a take-out place in south central Los Angeles. He fantasizes that a secret control room of white conspirators is stopping at nothing to deny him a promotion to fry cook. We’re going to take you behind the scenes of that control room.”
(Owens laughs) “At last we’ll see it! There really are people who would believe it.”
“That’s right. We hope it’ll become a running gag. Did we fill the time yet?” (Dash gives the camera a mock challenging scowl.) “White people used to plan their shows better. Johnny, Jay, Letterman. They all got off the air on time.” (A stagehand gestures to Candace. “Ten seconds, Ms. Owens.” Suddenly, she’s formal again.)
“Next week, Louis CK! Gina Carano! J.K. Rowling! And our musical guest, Eric Clapton! Goodnight, everybody!”
(Credit roll begins) (Music outro: “Divisive Color” rap)
(Announcer) “This program was typed before a live audience. The Powers That Be is satirical fiction. All celebrity names, characterizations, and dialog are completely made up. Ricochet Invisible Television is a registered trademark of Ricochet Silent Radio, and both comply with the honor code of AIM, the Academy of Imaginary Media. RSR and RIT, being utterly imaginary, have no business connection with Ricochet, Inc., its owners or subsidiary entities. This comedy series originated in the comments section of a post, Why Bother, by @omegapaladin.”
FADE TO BLACK
Published in General
Worth it for the caveats alone.
Thanks for reading it, maestro!
You could frame an entire musical around Disney’s wokeness.
Where are Andrew Lloyd Webber and Tim Rice when you need them?
Next week’s special guest… Rachel Zegler, with her thoughts on how to build an audience!
I… I think I need a drink.
I’m sure one could do it, and those guys could figure out how to make money at it. But given what I guess as the likely limits of R> readership patience, I figured that Ricochet could take only about a minute and a half of mock rap before the bit outwore its welcome.
One of the finest reviews any author can ever hope to achieve. I don’t happen to have any noirish photos on hand, but you know the kind I’d insert here: strangers sitting at moody, smoky late night bars, something like the Edward Hopper Nighthawks diner.
“Gimme a nice tall Mayor Adams Special. You know the drink: It’s $9, plus $20 city sales tax”
The bartender nods. “Manhattan, on the rocks. Coming right up”.
My best guess is they have public opinion surveys that already show negative reactions to the new cast and concept. That wouldn’t surprise them. Like a lot of people, they enjoy the notion that they have the right enemies, and relished the thought of “taking on the haters”. But Disney didn’t anticipate that there’d be no compensating group of viewers or ticket buyers who’d gush forward to show their support. It comes too late in the woke cycle, next year in the backlash phase.
So here’s my prediction: They roll out a new PR campaign, softening Zegler, showing her in traditional-looking family surroundings. Less Gen Z ditz, more of her mother’s weepy confession that she always knew Rachel was something special. Hugs. Sharing a home cooked meal with Norah O’Donnell. The controversy? What controversy? Oh, the thing about the dwarves? Well, our movie is just called Snow White. There’s no false advertising there. We think our cast is plenty magical. Anyway, did you hear the songs?
They can try…
Did you hear the description of the opening scene? Small child Snow White, listening to her father (whose head is out of frame, for some reason) as he tells her about how she needs to become a strong leader. Cut to a montage of her doing combat training, turning herself into a kick-ass, girl-boss, warrior woman.
Because when you think of Snow White, you think of mixed martial arts.
Also a report that on set she was resisting any portrayal of romance between her and the ‘prince’.
The YouTube guys are going to make so much money off this one. Can’t wait to see it.
Excellent. You certainly delivered, as promised.
I read an NPR critic’s identity politics-themed web article about the alleged conceptual and marketing genius behind Blue Beetle, and the many ways it was superior because of its narrowcasting focus on ethnicity. The lack of anything that anybody of any other group to identify with was a strength, you see. After all, it’s impossible to put together that Ozzie and Harriet mass audience anymore, and we’d better get used to it.
Of course, the impeccably Latino-conceived, multiethnic and mono-political Blue Beetle slid right out of the launching sluicegate and straight to the bottom of the briny deep. Another studio loss in the vicinity of $80 million. David Zaslav didn’t put this film in motion (it predated his regime) but he could have quietly dumped it the way he dumped Batgirl. That may, in fact, offer an answer why he let it go: killing off two $90-100 million action movies with Latino stars might have been too much of a PR hit even for ax man Zas.
Kind words, Dave, thanks! Sometimes it really is like a boy throwing his hat over a fence. “Okay, now I have to be able to get it”. So a bold declaration is recklessly made, “In ten days I’ll publish a TV comedy script based on comments in this thread”, and then you have to live up to it.
This is Ricochet Invisible Television, west coast, ready for a few hours of shuteye. We’ll be back on the air in the morning.
Judge, you’ve got the conn. If the mob gets unruly, just hit the sprinklers. That usually does the trick, but if it doesn’t, you know which desk drawer “Roscoe” is hiding in.
Something funny about this one is that it manages to use every single stereotypical trope about Latinos. Stuff that your typical evil, racist, white supremacist director (i.e. all the white males) would have been embarrassed to include.
Ex. Kid comes home from college. What’s the first thing they do? Tacos!
Wait, that’s a Latino thing? (I prefer enchiladas, anyway.)
That’s just it. You’d think they could come up with something more culturally appropriate as the home cooking he would be missing.
Outstanding, Gary! Thanks!
Sir Tim rides in to ask my question: Why?
If the title card reads Godfather IV [shudder], I am not expecting Going My Way with an all-female cast.
If they had made this movie with no reference to the original, would it have worked? I don’t know, but lumbering this production with the title alone raises certain expectations. One plays with classics at one’s peril.
All you people out there who keep saying that I drink too much when I write can just shut the heck up, thank you very much!
ROFLOL! Great piece. Thanks Gary!
Art for art’s sake, Money for God’s sake!-1occ
It would seem that Disney’s viewers are not getting art and its shareholders are not getting money.
The entire media complex could be solved by the next Republican administration with the stroke of a pen. 1 Tiny rule change and the entire media goes bankrupt…
Did you know, that of all the countries in the world, only 2 allow pharmaceutical companies to advertise prescription drugs. (New Zealand and the United States, weird, I know) But if we were to take the view that because a prescribed medication its not a consumer product so therefore does not need to be advertised.
Now, 75% of advertising revenue is from big pharma. With the stroke of a pen, the entire media complex would be bankrupted. Not all pharma advertising would go away, they could still advertise for their over the counter products.
So that would cut media revenue by 50-60% ish maybe?
Those $20 million news anchors and late night hosts would be gone in a heartbeat. But the media would only have themselves to blame, they’re so one sided that their friends and enemies are both acutely aware of the dividing line. Friends are rewarded, enemies punished and sometimes even executed.
So to cure the media, call the FDA.
They could make up the revenue by bringing back liquor and cigarettes.
Now you’re giving us something to aim for. Positive goals are always important! Besides, Woody Allen’s Sleeper established authoritatively that cigarettes and steak are good for you.
Won’t work, Occ. Theatrical and streaming don’t depend on ad revenue, and they’re the cultural straw that stirs the drink. Broadcast TV (and some streaming) depends on ads, and even broadcast now makes much or most of its money from retransmission fees that the cable companies have to pay them. So the Pharma angle would do something, but not as much as you think. Just on the merits, I don’t think prescription drugs should be advertised. This was one of those Reagan era things where we wanted to “take the handcuffs off business” and suckered ourselves into it. Yep, that’s right; not the Democrats. Us.
Sure, it’s a gag, but there’s an ulterior motive. Using the names of real celebrities can be risky, and “for some reason” conservative media attracts hostile lawyers like honey attracts flies. Charles C.W. Cooke is still fairly new in the owner’s chair and he deserves better than to deal with that, so I was playing up three points: One, this satire is no more offensive than what you’d read in Mad Magazine; two, it is legally within fair use for parody; three, if you don’t like it, don’t come after Charlie’s neighborhood electric vehicle, come after me and my Chevy Volt.
Hollywood said so, so it must be true.
Bits always get cut out of these fake ‘scripts”. Some of them relate to true stories. Kelsey Grammer has a bunch of anti-abortion t-shirts…unusual for a Hollywood celebrity…and he makes a point of wearing them everywhere.
So one possible episode ending was a friend stopping him at the door of our swanky wrap party. “Kel, you’re not going to go in there dressed like that, are you?” Grammer frowns, thinks it over, reconsiders, shakes his head. Then he defiantly adds a silk top hat to his t-shirt outfit, grins wolfishly, and grandly enters the party.
Thing is, Kelsey actually does stuff like that.
Everything I’ve ever heard says that he would be fun to hang out with.