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Choosing Our Friends
Since I’m an introvert, I don’t have a strong desire to have lots of friends. That also means I don’t necessarily have a great deal of practice choosing friends wisely. A few years ago, I seemed to have done an especially poor job of picking people who had the same expectations for friendship, and I ended up being disappointed with the relationships. Even worse, I ended up hurting their feelings because I spent too much time trying to make things work.
Finding people who are well-suited for us seems like a daunting task to me. I can think of three instances when I began to wonder if I was destined to be anyone’s friend at all! In each case, there was a drastic imbalance in communications: they did almost all the talking and I did almost all the listening. Even more difficult for me was their lack of interest in me and my life: they rarely if ever asked how I was doing or what was new in my life. I realized I could share what was happening in my life, but when I did, they smiled and quickly changed the subject—to themselves.
The first friendship was with a woman who was a consultant like I was. As I described above, she talked incessantly about her life. I finally lost patience, and I calmly pointed out that our conversations revolved around her, and she rarely if ever asked about my life. She couldn’t argue with my point, and over our next couple of visits, she showed a little more curiosity about me, but she was clearly uncomfortable doing so. Eventually we drifted apart.
The second friendship progressed in a similar fashion. Naturally, she was surprised to learn about this imbalance in communication, so the next time we got together, she went out of her way to ask about my life—and then proceeded to point out that she could act like she cared. Stated that way, I wasn’t impressed. That friendship died, too.
But the most fascinating challenge came up with a male friend. He was studying to be a minister in the Church of Religious Science. And spoke about himself all the time. (You could say that wasn’t the best attribute for a minister.) But I didn’t want to have to go through the ordeal of explaining my reaction to our time together, so I stopped calling him. Undaunted, he would periodically call about getting together for lunch. I kept making excuses not to. He finally asked me if I was avoiding him. What was I to do??
So once again, I explained about our different communication styles, even taking responsibility for maybe having unreasonable expectations. Of course, he was embarrassed, but said he hadn’t realized what was transpiring but he understood. That was the last time we spoke.
But months later, I met with a mutual friend of ours. She was a senior minister and knew this fellow pretty well. In the course of our discussion, she told me that the minister-in-training had told her about my conversation with him. And he had told her that it was one of the most powerful and helpful messages he’d ever received.
Was I surprised. And relieved.
Still, when I am in a position of making new friends, I try to be more discerning and take responsibility for my needs and expectations. And I’m so fortunate that at this time in my life, I have some of the most loving friends I’ve ever had. We share a reciprocity and caring that is natural and fulfilling.
I strive to be the kind of friend I’d like them to be.
Published in Culture
It would be wonderful for people to weigh in on their experiences of developing and managing friendships.
You have articulated the rule of reciprocity. If there is no reciprocity there is no real friendship. Reciprocity can be a lot of different things. It could be one person always controls conversation but are very entertaining while someone else listens but creates a great environment for the show. But people need to understand the dynamic and contribute, not simply have one act and everyone else make do. That’s narcissism, not friendship.
I am also an introvert and have rarely had more than a couple of friends at a time. It’s probably just selfishness but I also hate joining groups (especially groups of women!). Joining a group becomes an obligation to attend and maybe have to do things that bore me. And also just being with my husband was enough for me. After I retired I just didn’t put myself out and about to meet new people.
Well, this may sound strange but I have been meeting a lot of new people – men and women – while trying to downsize all my “stuff” by selling on Nextdoor. Of course if someone wants to buy something of mine it’s because we have the same taste. Sometimes we get to chatting for an hour or more. And I’ve actually made a couple of what I would call friends. We go to lunch, share family stories, etc. One is a snowbird and we text all the time while she is gone. And to your point it is really a back and forth. They are concerned with my well being but I don’t dump my grief all over them and have almost become an “auntie” to one of their adorable grandchildren.
So, to me this is kind of a new experience and I’ve been real lucky to meet genuinely nice people.
I’ve been told that I’m a good listener.
I have to fight back the urge to say “oh, I haven’t been listening.”
Not strange at all, Justme! Our lives go through transitions and we have lots of different ways to adjust. Yours sounds just lovely. How fun!
You are SO BAD!!
I’m also an introvert, and for quite some time, my very few closest friends were extroverts – but thoughtful extroverts. My sophomore year, I changed schools, so I knew no one. I took a seat in chorus, and this outgoing freshman plopped down next to me, asked if the seat was taken, and wouldn’t stop talking. She helped organize my 18th birthday party, invited me to one of her family churches in Orlando when I was new there and knew no one, introduced me to friends she knew locally, sang at my wedding, and held my first born. She was a wonderful girl and a wonderful woman. We are no longer in touch, but such a wonderful friend.
God seems to supply the friends I need where I am. Learning to be a good friend yourself helps when you find someone else with the same penchant for friendship. Not everyone has that skill, but when you find those that do, the bonds can go deep.
I think Mark Alexander posted this a while back…
I’ve been lucky with friendships. I’m not highly sociable like my brothers but I do seem to have a knack for making and keeping friendships (with a couple of explosive exceptions). Since I’m not exceptionally thoughtful or entertaining I think it might be that I don’t expect too much from people. Some friends you can have a drink with, others are better for interesting conversation. Work friends are another breed again. They’re all great people but some situations wouldn’t suit them. I know when that sentiment is reciprocated and I don’t mind.
There was a wonderful book by a woman named Pogrebin on the many kinds of friendships we have, with differences in intimacy and connection. It was fascinating, because I think we expect too much from ourselves and others, thinking we have to be the same kind of friend with everyone, when in fact, we relate differently with every single person in our lives. Great point, Marjorie!
All so very true, Stina. Your friend sounds like she was a true blessing at that time of your life.
Do you think it’s odd that he never tried to apply what your message opened him up to, to you and your relationship? (Or were you perhaps the one to end the relationship in your final talk with him?)
I think I made it clear that I wanted to end the relationship. If I were him, I would have felt a tremendous amount of pressure to continue the relationship and meet expectations. And I think that felt like a burden to both of us.
It would have been awkward filling the progress reports he brought every week.
Yes, this self-training is possible. I just wonder if he ever really took it all to heart. And maybe how it affected his life and how he related to people.
It would have been a big change for him. I did my best.
Yes. I just never know how conversations turn out. I once talked a stranger out of doing something that I considered bad, and only found out by coincidence several months later. You never know.
I haven’t had that exact experience but it definitely reminds me of an incident that I am not at liberty to disclose.
Me, too. I’ll have to copy your line.
I enjoyed the topic you chose and the comments others made were priceless.
I was in my late 50’s before I realized that many of my “friends” were merely acquaintances.
The difference between the two is that a friend cares deeply about the individual.
In a friendship, as mentioned above by Rodin, there is always reciprocity.
As the friendship deepens there is love.
With acquaintances, the individual is someone who simply is easy to be with and likes to attend the same types of things that you do. Only there is no real depth of friendship. None. If you were to die, they would probably attend the funeral.
But the grieving they would do would be about the idea that now they must hunt up someone else to go out for lunch at that new place in town.
I agree to a point but I’d like to defend acquaintances for their own sake. Just having anyone to do that thing with, the coffee or whatever has a benefit all by itself. During Covid lockdowns most of these interactions were lost and as trivial as they might be they make up the tapestry of a person’s circle of friends. And where there’s good nature and good humour it’s a nice way to pass the time.
Those are wise words.
Yes, having acquaintances can be a mutual delight.
I am toying with the idea that there is another category of significant relationship: “comrade.”
Yes. There are people I know that I wouldn’t have much in common with apart from meeting them at pro life events. But we’d have plenty to say to each other on that subject.
I will posit that most people you know at work who are neither superiors nor inferiors (loaded terms, but they will suffice) are comrades. With the possible other exception being rivals.
If you don’t like your coworkers, or just don’t care to be around them if you don’t have to be I don’t think that you two are comrades. Comrades are much closer bonded, meaning very generally a friend or ally (sometimes with political connotations); or a person who shares one’s interests or activities; a friend or companion; or even a friend, especially one who you have been involved in difficult or dangerous activities with. And being comrades includes close social and interpersonal relationships.
Neither am I. I know, I have a blast socializing with my fellow Ricochetti at Meetups. However, I like the solitude and contemplation one gets by being alone. For example, a lot of my favorite activities are solo: reading, writing, playing games, and listening to music. Oh! Listening to Great Courses too.
But when I do socialize, I can hang in there with the best of them . . .
How are we doing so far?
“Comrades”….I was at a reunion of people who had worked at a company where I had also worked. One woman mentioned that she told a friend that she was going to a reunion, when asked what kind of reunion, she said “people I used to work with.” The friend’s response was:
“Why would anyone want to do that?”
I find that sad.