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An Open Letter to Valerie Jarrett and Susan Rice
We are in the midst of a tragedy in which we have all played a part. It can go on and on and on, or somebody can write the end of it. I have concluded that only you can do that, and if you can, you must. For the good of the country, please instruct Joe Biden to issue a full and unconditional pardon to Barack Obama for any crimes he might have committed against the United States as President.
It won’t be an easy thing to direct of the sitting President. No doubt he’ll have objections. He’ll point out that he’s clearly the better politician, having dwarfed his former boss’s best showing by 800,000 or so votes. Why should he, after lending his record-setting campaign talent to Obama twice, once again step up for the man? When does it end?
Bring Eric Holder to the meeting. No one embodies “team player” better than Holder. When two New Black Panther Party member’s voter suppression prosecutions were dropped, who lied to Congress to protect the administration’s political operatives? When the administration got caught spying on James Rosen, who lied to Congress despite having signed off personally on the warrant used by saying he recused himself in order to make the matter look like an a-political security operation? Who not only lied to Congress about knowledge of the Fast and Furious Operation but, when caught “in error,” lied in his correction? Operation Choke Point, refusal to prosecute big donating financial institutions — he’s a good guy to have in your corner, and not just when you’re in a mood to kill an American citizen without trial.
And what happened to Holder? What consequences haunt him? Try to get him to wear a Covington and Burling softball team shirt or something to the meeting. Steering conversation can be awkward, but surely someone will mention Twitter or something they saw on Twitter. Segue into anything about Matt Taibbi so you can turn to Holder and say, “Didn’t he write something about your post-public career in Rolling Stone?” It’s Biden, so you may have to be more heavy-handed. Throw out anything to point out that Democratic politicians will be taken care of when they do what they’re called upon to do. Hold the meeting in a building with a revolving door if you have to. The future can be so bright.
Speaking of not prosecuting. Bringing Comey is a must. Lerner would be good, but crowd the table, and it looks like you’re trying too hard. I’d throw her in among other would be sword fallers who remain unscathed when you talk about Brennen, Clapper, et al., stress that they’re all fine and better for having protected the administration.
Ford was criticized by many for pardoning the man he served as vice president. He believed any further investigations or prosecution of Nixon would worsen America’s political rift. What he did, though unpopular, was ultimately vindicated by public opinion. The John F. Kennedy Library Foundation awarded the Profile in Courage award to Ford in 2001. It was personally presented to him by Senator Ted Kennedy, who at the time, was highly critical of the pardon. Water under the bridge. Play up the award aspect to Biden. “It’s like an ice cream treat!”
America’s rift is greater now than it was in 1974, and Obama’s meddling worse than Nixon’s. Don’t say it’s a vision thing because they called that, but that’s the gist. You’re going to say that this isn’t comparable because Nixon tapped a campaign phone and the Obama administration’s FISA lying didn’t actually give them access to the Trump campaign because the targeted email recipient was not a part of the campaign when the warrant…. How email access works has been explained to you. It may have been explained to you just fifteen minutes ago. Don’t worry that you don’t know what I’m talking about. Issue-specific goldfish retention afflicts huge swaths of the party. Just trust me.
We are finding out more and more about what Obama knew and when he knew it. Everything is going to come out now that the firefighters at CNN have turned treacherous Trump platforming fascists. If Biden doesn’t act, Trump or DeSantis will probably promise “Pardon Obama!” at their monster drag car race rallies but they and their deplorables won’t grasp the national rift-saving context and think it’s a joke.
I know your plate is full, what with mitigating the Bud Lite thing, but it’s time for Biden to step up and, like Holder, Lerner, Clapper, Brennan, Comey, and a host of others, do his part to keep Obama scandal-free.Published in Humor
We wouldn’t want him to be Mao-Mao’d off the stage.
Great, great post, Ben!
I would love to see Obama’s indignation and squirming if Biden actually offered it.