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Indiana Jones and the Dial of Dysentery
I remember when I first saw Indiana Jones. Not Raiders of the Lost Ark, but the trailer for Raiders of the Lost Ark.
I was visiting my brother, who was then living in Southern California. We decided to go to Mann’s (formerly Grauman’s) Chinese Theater. We just wanted to see something there, caring less about what we saw, but fortunately, Outland with Sean Connery was playing. It was entertaining enough.
But before that film, there was a preview for a film from the creator of Star Wars and the creator of Jaws and Close Encounters of a Third Kind. That was enough to get me pumped. But then so much great stuff appeared on the screen: booby traps and tanks and explosions and skeletons and horses and submarines and Nazis and… Hey, isn’t that Han Solo? I have got to see that.
And I did see it. I was working at a theater that got Raiders of the Lost Ark. I was able to get in a group of my family and friends on the first weekend and watched it with them and it was … man … I didn’t breathe for two hours. I so loved that film. I have no idea how many times I saw that opening sequence, often watching from the back of the theater while I was, um, working. You know, just to make sure no one was trying to light up a cigarette or something. I’d try to time it so I could go in when the snake was coming out of the skeleton’s mouth and watch the audience erupt in one loud, “Ewwwwww!” I’m fairly certain I have seen Raiders of the Lost Ark more than any other film.
At the end of the summer, I left my job to go off to college. When I came back the next summer to work at the theater again, Raiders was still there. (Albeit in the smallest theater rather than the biggest.) That summer, I also worked reshingling my parent’s house, and I remember humming different John Williams themes as I hammered (Superman, Star Wars, and Raiders), trying to keep them straight in my head. The Raiders March was my favorite.
When Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom, I wasn’t working at a theater, but I had a friend who was. She got me into an employee screening the night before the film opened. “Anything Goes” in Mandarin got me right from the start. I thought Doom was the greatest roller coaster ride ever. (Wasn’t a big Kate Capshaw fan, but apparently Spielberg felt differently.)
I had to pay to see Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade, but it was worth it. The opening with River Phoenix was a spoof of origin films and great fun. Sean Connery was such an inspired choice as Indy’s dad. (Perhaps you remember Sean Connery as the star of Outland.)
I watched these films again and again, on TV and videotape and DVDs.
And then Indiana Jones and Kingdom of the Crystal Skull came out. At the time, I read someone who said, “We want to see Indiana Jones films to vicariously be Indiana Jones. We do not want to be old Indiana Jones.” And yes, Harrison Ford was too old to still be playing the role. The film had all kinds of stupid and Shia LaBeouf (but I repeat myself), but it did have one redeeming quality: the return of the irreplaceable Karen Allen as Marion.
And I returned to watching the first three films, pretending the fourth didn’t exist.
Now, in a few weeks, comes the fifth film. Not directed by Spielberg. And I’d really like to ignore it altogether. I am not going to see it. But I have seen trailers and a clip from the film. And I have heard about a plot twist that… makes the “nuking the fridge” scene seem like genius in comparison.
You see, the “dial of destiny” of Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny apparently is a time machine. One of the things that I love about the first three films is they fit into my personal cosmology. I believe in the God of the Ark and that Jesus shared His cup and even in demons like those portrayed as “gods” in the second film. But I found the aliens of the fourth quite silly. And as for time travel… Can’t someone travel back in time and stop all movie franchises and TV shows from using time travel as a crutch?
But it gets worse. Phoebe Waller-Bridge (who you’d know if you just kept up on the cutting edge of things, you old fogey) plays Helena Shaw, the daughter of an old companion of Indy’s. She joins old man Indy on the search for the Dial, which was her father’s Holy Grail (but not the real Holy Grail because we’ve already been there and done that.)
Now here is the BIG SPOILER, so don’t say I didn’t warn you…
For some very woke reason, the Dial of Destiny is used to erase Indy from his own stories and replace him with Helena. You can read that again, but it won’t change. I think the idea is to tell new Indiana Jones stories without a problematic Cis White Male who steals from Indigenous People with a woman who probably helps Indigenous People and fights Colonialism.
Because really, women can do everything better than men. They fight better. They explore better. They’re smarter and stronger and more compassionate. Because, let’s face it, white men are just plain evil. And worthless. Except as villains in fiction.
In fact, the only thing women can’t do better than men, is be women. We began to learn the lesson years ago with the film, Tootsie, but it has become all the more apparent in the last couple of years that men are much better at being women than women.
So don’t get too comfortable with that Fedora and bullwhip, Phoebe. Somewhere, a trans actor is gunning for your job.
Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny | Official Trailer – YouTube
Published in Entertainment
A woke black trans woman. With neck tattoos and a fade haircut.
I enjoy movies and have never considered the time spent watching a good one wasted. I understand not everyone will agree.
I like that the kid sidekick won an Oscar.
I’m fine with the sidekick (Doom came out when I was young, and I watched the Goonies first), but the lady was just awful. Its far from my favorite, but the dinner and sacrifice scenes were fantastic, and its still better than Crystal Skull (I’m not even going to bother with this last one).
Oh, and just for fun:
From the title of the post, I thought it would involve a retelling of the story of the scene in the first movie where Indy shoots the swordsman and why it was played that way.
She wasn’t supposed to be great, that’s why she was where she was.
I understand that, but it makes the movie less enjoyable, most of the time (the dinner scene and bug scene being major exceptions).
Some of that CGI looks awful! But the Disneyfication (feminization) of our childhood heroes continues:
Luke Skywalker becomes Rey (Ray?) ‘Skywalker’.
Indiana Jones becomes Indiana Jane.
Sounds like there’s a good chance the movie will be a total flop.
Let us pray it happens/
Needless to say, the spoiler was wrong. It was a decent film. But had quite a few plot holes. The de-aging was the least odd of the CGI.
Could it be that that was a previous ending that was replaced due to audience reaction?
Those things happen–Oliver Stone quickly revised his Alexander the Great film–but I haven’t read of any differences between the earliest screenings and the current ones. We’d know.
https://boundingintocomics.com/2023/07/06/alleged-alternate-ending-details-for-indiana-jones-and-the-dial-of-destiny-emerge-show-phoebe-waller-bridges-character-takes-indys-hat/