Indiana Jones and the Dial of Dysentery

 

I remember when I first saw Indiana Jones. Not Raiders of the Lost Ark, but the trailer for Raiders of the Lost Ark.

I was visiting my brother, who was then living in Southern California. We decided to go to Mann’s (formerly Grauman’s) Chinese Theater. We just wanted to see something there, caring less about what we saw, but fortunately, Outland with Sean Connery was playing. It was entertaining enough.

But before that film, there was a preview for a film from the creator of Star Wars and the creator of Jaws and Close Encounters of a Third Kind. That was enough to get me pumped. But then so much great stuff appeared on the screen: booby traps and tanks and explosions and skeletons and horses and submarines and Nazis and… Hey, isn’t that Han Solo? I have got to see that.

And I did see it. I was working at a theater that got Raiders of the Lost Ark.  I was able to get in a group of my family and friends on the first weekend and watched it with them and it was … man … I didn’t breathe for two hours.  I so loved that film. I have no idea how many times I saw that opening sequence, often watching from the back of the theater while I was, um, working. You know, just to make sure no one was trying to light up a cigarette or something. I’d try to time it so I could go in when the snake was coming out of the skeleton’s mouth and watch the audience erupt in one loud, “Ewwwwww!” I’m fairly certain I have seen Raiders of the Lost Ark more than any other film.

 At the end of the summer, I left my job to go off to college. When I came back the next summer to work at the theater again, Raiders was still there. (Albeit in the smallest theater rather than the biggest.)  That summer, I also worked reshingling my parent’s house, and I remember humming different John Williams themes as I hammered (Superman, Star Wars, and Raiders), trying to keep them straight in my head. The Raiders March was my favorite.

When Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom, I wasn’t working at a theater, but I had a friend who was. She got me into an employee screening the night before the film opened. “Anything Goes” in Mandarin got me right from the start. I thought Doom was the greatest roller coaster ride ever. (Wasn’t a big Kate Capshaw fan, but apparently Spielberg felt differently.)

I had to pay to see Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade, but it was worth it. The opening with River Phoenix was a spoof of origin films and great fun. Sean Connery was such an inspired choice as Indy’s dad. (Perhaps you remember Sean Connery as the star of Outland.)

I watched these films again and again, on TV and videotape and DVDs. 

And then Indiana Jones and Kingdom of the Crystal Skull came out. At the time, I read someone who said, “We want to see Indiana Jones films to vicariously be Indiana Jones. We do not want to be old Indiana Jones.” And yes, Harrison Ford was too old to still be playing the role. The film had all kinds of stupid and Shia LaBeouf (but I repeat myself), but it did have one redeeming quality: the return of the irreplaceable Karen Allen as Marion.

And I returned to watching the first three films, pretending the fourth didn’t exist.

Now, in a few weeks, comes the fifth film. Not directed by Spielberg. And I’d really like to ignore it altogether. I am not going to see it. But I have seen trailers and a clip from the film. And I have heard about a plot twist that… makes the “nuking the fridge” scene seem like genius in comparison.

You see, the “dial of destiny” of Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny apparently is a time machine. One of the things that I love about the first three films is they fit into my personal cosmology. I believe in the God of the Ark and that Jesus shared His cup and even in demons like those portrayed as “gods” in the second film. But I found the aliens of the fourth quite silly. And as for time travel… Can’t someone travel back in time and stop all movie franchises and TV shows from using time travel as a crutch?

But it gets worse. Phoebe Waller-Bridge (who you’d know if you just kept up on the cutting edge of things, you old fogey) plays Helena Shaw, the daughter of an old companion of Indy’s. She joins old man Indy on the search for the Dial, which was her father’s Holy Grail (but not the real Holy Grail because we’ve already been there and done that.)

Now here is the BIG SPOILER, so don’t say I didn’t warn you…

For some very woke reason, the Dial of Destiny is used to erase Indy from his own stories and replace him with Helena. You can read that again, but it won’t change. I think the idea is to tell new Indiana Jones stories without a problematic Cis White Male who steals from Indigenous People with a woman who probably helps Indigenous People and fights Colonialism.

Because really, women can do everything better than men. They fight better. They explore better. They’re smarter and stronger and more compassionate. Because, let’s face it, white men are just plain evil. And worthless. Except as villains in fiction.

In fact, the only thing women can’t do better than men, is be women. We began to learn the lesson years ago with the film, Tootsie, but it has become all the more apparent in the last couple of years that men are much better at being women than women. 

So don’t get too comfortable with that Fedora and bullwhip, Phoebe. Somewhere, a trans actor is gunning for your job.

Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny | Official Trailer – YouTube

Published in Entertainment
This post was promoted to the Main Feed by a Ricochet Editor at the recommendation of Ricochet members. Like this post? Want to comment? Join Ricochet’s community of conservatives and be part of the conversation. Join Ricochet for Free.

There are 46 comments.

Become a member to join the conversation. Or sign in if you're already a member.
  1. Hartmann von Aue Member
    Hartmann von Aue
    @HartmannvonAue

    I rarely get angry about stupid Hollywood decisions. This time, though, I am mad.

    • #1
  2. Sisyphus Member
    Sisyphus
    @Sisyphus

    Eustace C. Scrubb: And as for time travel… Can’t someone travel back in time and stop all movie franchises and TV shows from using time travel as a crutch?

    I think there’s a movie pitch waiting to be consigned to development hell by Kathleen whatsername there.

    • #2
  3. kedavis Coolidge
    kedavis
    @kedavis

    Eustace C. Scrubb: I thought Doom was the greatest roller coaster ride ever.

    • #3
  4. mildlyo Member
    mildlyo
    @mildlyo

    there are only three Indiana Jones movies.

    • #4
  5. Eustace C. Scrubb Member
    Eustace C. Scrubb
    @EustaceCScrubb

    mildlyo (View Comment):

    there are only the Indiana Jones movies.

    3?

    • #5
  6. kedavis Coolidge
    kedavis
    @kedavis

    Eustace C. Scrubb: For some very woke reason, the Dial of Destiny is used to erase Indy from his own stories and replace him with Helena. You can read that again, but it won’t change. I think the idea is to tell new Indiana Jones stories without a problematic Cis White Male who steals from Indigenous People with a woman who probably helps Indigenous People and fights Colonialism.

    Because everything Indy did in the original movies, all the physicality etc, some chick can do better.

    Ugh.

    And why would she even go after Indy’s father, who isn’t HER father, etc etc.

    Double-Ugh.

    And she likely wasn’t even born yet for Raiders.

    • #6
  7. kedavis Coolidge
    kedavis
    @kedavis

    Sisyphus (View Comment):

    Eustace C. Scrubb: And as for time travel… Can’t someone travel back in time and stop all movie franchises and TV shows from using time travel as a crutch?

    I think there’s a movie pitch waiting to be consigned to development hell by Kathleen whatsername there.

    Maybe that would create a paradox, because without stories about time travel, maybe nobody ever invents it.  Which means nobody can use it to stop the stories, etc.

    • #7
  8. Percival Thatcher
    Percival
    @Percival

    Eustace C. Scrubb: The film had all kinds of stupid and Shia LaBeouf (but I repeat myself)

    • #8
  9. Jim McConnell Member
    Jim McConnell
    @JimMcConnell

    The last movie I saw in a theater was with my late wife in 1994. Think of all the hours I haven’t wasted… (I wonder what I did with them?)

    • #9
  10. Sisyphus Member
    Sisyphus
    @Sisyphus

    kedavis (View Comment):

    Sisyphus (View Comment):

    Eustace C. Scrubb: And as for time travel… Can’t someone travel back in time and stop all movie franchises and TV shows from using time travel as a crutch?

    I think there’s a movie pitch waiting to be consigned to development hell by Kathleen whatsername there.

    Maybe that would create a paradox, because without stories about time travel, maybe nobody ever invents it. Which means nobody can use it to stop the stories, etc.

    How would that be different then creating the conditions where time travel is impossible in a given universe? And having been subjected to fifty-plus years of multiverse stories, I look back fondly on DC’s short-lived campaign to stamp them out altogether, even though it was done in an orgy of crossover violence that ultimately destroyed any chance of quality storytelling in the  commercial superhero format by its hideous example. (If you really want to stop multiverse-driven confusion, just stop telling multiverse stories. Duh.)

    • #10
  11. Eustace C. Scrubb Member
    Eustace C. Scrubb
    @EustaceCScrubb

    Jim McConnell (View Comment):

    The last movie I saw in a theater was with my late wife in 1994. Think of all the hours I haven’t wasted… (I wonder what I did with them?)

    Whereas I cherish most of my hours in movie theaters, missed it greatly during the pandemic. Different strokes as they say.

    • #11
  12. MWD B612 "Dawg" Member
    MWD B612 "Dawg"
    @danok1

    I saw the first film with my younger brother; I was home for the summer. It was fantastic. I think we saw it 3 or 4 times. I saw the Temple of Doom at Loring Air Force base. It was also fantastic. I saw The Last Crusade in a theater on Long Island with my girlfriend at the time. Thought it was okay, but not quite at the level of the first two in the series.

    I wasn’t going to see the fourth movie, but my son wanted to watch it. We went; it was a waste of money. The boy thought so as well.

    No one in my family is going to bother with the “continuation” of the series.

    • #12
  13. Gary McVey Contributor
    Gary McVey
    @GaryMcVey

    MWD B612 "Dawg" (View Comment):

    I saw the first film with my younger brother; I was home for the summer. It was fantastic. I think we saw it 3 or 4 times. I saw the Temple of Doom at Loring Air Force base. It was also fantastic. I saw The Last Crusade in a theater on Long Island with my girlfriend at the time. Thought it was okay, but not quite at the level of the first two in the series.

    I wasn’t going to see the fourth movie, but my son wanted to watch it. We went; it was a waste of money. The boy thought so as well.

    No one in my family is going to bother with the “continuation” of the series.

    I never knew anything about Loring AFB until WarGames in 1983, when it was the “target” of an imaginary Soviet attack that turns out to be a simulation. So I looked it up; I had no idea it was so far north and so close to the border. I also didn’t know that it was closed during base re-alignment. 

    • #13
  14. kedavis Coolidge
    kedavis
    @kedavis

    • #14
  15. Jerry Giordano (Arizona Patriot) Member
    Jerry Giordano (Arizona Patriot)
    @ArizonaPatriot

    I liked Raiders as a kid, but not lately.  I’m not sure why.

    I wasn’t much of a fan of the others, though I saw them.  Unlike you, Eustace, I was a fan of Kate Capshaw.  Well, at least a fan of the way that she looked back then.  I don’t particularly remember her acting, except being squeamish during some of the more unpleasant parts of Doom.

    • #15
  16. kedavis Coolidge
    kedavis
    @kedavis

    Jerry Giordano (Arizona Patrio… (View Comment):

    I liked Raiders as a kid, but not lately. I’m not sure why.

    I wasn’t much of a fan of the others, though I saw them. Unlike you, Eustace, I was a fan of Kate Capshaw. Well, at least a fan of the way that she looked back then. I don’t particularly remember her acting, except being squeamish during some of the more unpleasant parts of Doom.

    I enjoyed Spacecamp.

     

    • #16
  17. Stad Coolidge
    Stad
    @Stad

    I loved the first and third movie, liked the fourth, wasn’t crazy about the second.  It would have been cool if Helena was actually Indy’s daughter from Marion instead of a son like Shia LeGoof.  But this time travel thing to replace Indy with Helena?  Let her have her own adventures.  Don’t mess with the canon . . .

    • #17
  18. kedavis Coolidge
    kedavis
    @kedavis

    Stad (View Comment):

    I loved the first and third movie, liked the fourth, wasn’t crazy about the second. It would have been cool if Helena was actually Indy’s daughter from Marion instead of a son like Shia LeGoof. But this time travel thing to replace Indy with Helena? Let her have her own adventures. Don’t mess with the canon . . .

    Seems like they’d rather pirate Indiana Jones over Lara Croft.

    • #18
  19. Eustace C. Scrubb Member
    Eustace C. Scrubb
    @EustaceCScrubb

    Jerry Giordano (Arizona Patrio… (View Comment):

    I liked Raiders as a kid, but not lately. I’m not sure why.

    I wasn’t much of a fan of the others, though I saw them. Unlike you, Eustace, I was a fan of Kate Capshaw. Well, at least a fan of the way that she looked back then. I don’t particularly remember her acting, except being squeamish during some of the more unpleasant parts of Doom.

    I did like Dreamscape.

    DreamScape 1984 Film Trailer – YouTube

    • #19
  20. CarolJoy, Not So Easy To Kill Coolidge
    CarolJoy, Not So Easy To Kill
    @CarolJoy

    That was an entertaining romp through the Indiana Jones franchise. Loved the idea of a time machine allowing someone to “travel back in time and stop all movie franchises and TV shows from using time travel as a crutch?”

    However, as far as your post’s title:

    Now there are two expressions I had never thought would be paired together – Indiana Jones & dysentery!

    More possible titles for posts: Star Wars & Shingles.

    Alien and Giardia

    16 Candles and Second Degree Burns

    And last but not least:

    Casablanca and Chlamydia

     

    • #20
  21. Flicker Coolidge
    Flicker
    @Flicker

    I love time travel stories, like By His Bootstraps.  But I hate time travel as an effect.  That’s what killed whatever interest I had in Enterprise.  Once you complete watching an episode or a full movie and then arbitrarily (according to the writers’ whim) negate the story line, and undo all that you watched last time, what’s the point?  Nothing makes a difference…  because now nothing happened.

    • #21
  22. MWD B612 "Dawg" Member
    MWD B612 "Dawg"
    @danok1

    Gary McVey (View Comment):

    MWD B612 "Dawg" (View Comment):

    I saw the first film with my younger brother; I was home for the summer. It was fantastic. I think we saw it 3 or 4 times. I saw the Temple of Doom at Loring Air Force base. It was also fantastic. I saw The Last Crusade in a theater on Long Island with my girlfriend at the time. Thought it was okay, but not quite at the level of the first two in the series.

    I wasn’t going to see the fourth movie, but my son wanted to watch it. We went; it was a waste of money. The boy thought so as well.

    No one in my family is going to bother with the “continuation” of the series.

    I never knew anything about Loring AFB until WarGames in 1983, when it was the “target” of an imaginary Soviet attack that turns out to be a simulation. So I looked it up; I had no idea it was so far north and so close to the border. I also didn’t know that it was closed during base re-alignment.

    Yeah, it was the closest base in CONUS to the Soviet Union, and a staging area/refueling point for other missions. The runway was also an alternate landing site for the Space Shuttle, though it was never used as such. Got quite cold in the winter.

    • #22
  23. kedavis Coolidge
    kedavis
    @kedavis

    Oh, and the first rule of sequels:

     

    • #23
  24. kedavis Coolidge
    kedavis
    @kedavis

    Flicker (View Comment):

    I love time travel stories, like By His Bootstraps. But I hate time travel as an effect. That’s what killed whatever interest I had in Enterprise. Once you complete watching an episode or a full movie and then arbitrarily (according to the writers’ whim) negate the story line, and undue all that you watched last time, what’s the point? Nothing makes a difference… because now nothing happened.

    Well, the Enterprise (NX-01) crew apparently still experienced all of it, but yeah.

     

    US version:

     

    Non-US Version:

    • #24
  25. Eustace C. Scrubb Member
    Eustace C. Scrubb
    @EustaceCScrubb

    I’m going to inflict a little more of this film on you. Here’s a clip they’ve released. Note how sharp Indy’s hearing is here, considering his age and the circumstances.

    Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny new clip official – Cannes Film Festival 2023 – YouTube

    • #25
  26. Victor Tango Kilo Member
    Victor Tango Kilo
    @VtheK

    • #26
  27. kedavis Coolidge
    kedavis
    @kedavis

    And this movie could never be directed by Spielberg, who already regrets modifying ET just to remove guns.  How do you think he’d react to erasing the entire life story of the hero of one of the most popular movie characters ever?  And which HE created?

    • #27
  28. James Lileks Contributor
    James Lileks
    @jameslileks

    The second was just soooo much movie. No one came out of the first one and thought “that was great, but it really would’ve been better with a kid sidekick and a whiney dame.” The violence of the last act was borderline sadistic. They dialed it all up instead of trusting the core character. 

    My second favorite Indy romp isn’t a movie at all. 

    • #28
  29. Brian Clendinen Inactive
    Brian Clendinen
    @BrianClendinen

    As a kid I loved watching the young indian jones series. Based on IMDB reviews it still holds up as a great tv show(8.3 last I looked which is a top rating for that site). However the network sabotaged the show by not having the skipping weeks a months between episodes and never knowing when a rwrun verse new show would be on and always changing what night it would play on. I need to watch it again because I really liked a lot about it.

    • #29
  30. Stad Coolidge
    Stad
    @Stad

    kedavis (View Comment):

    Stad (View Comment):

    I loved the first and third movie, liked the fourth, wasn’t crazy about the second. It would have been cool if Helena was actually Indy’s daughter from Marion instead of a son like Shia LeGoof. But this time travel thing to replace Indy with Helena? Let her have her own adventures. Don’t mess with the canon . . .

    Seems like they’d rather pirate Indiana Jones over Lara Croft.

    Did you know Lara Croft is a trans originally named Larry?  Watch for them to reboot Croft as a woke black woman . . .

    Update:  I meant to say “a woke, black trans woman” . . .

    • #30
Become a member to join the conversation. Or sign in if you're already a member.