What Do I Want to Be When I Grow Up?

 

Life has this sly way of creeping up on us. When we are children, we think we are the center of the world, with few obligations. Depending on the expectations of our families, most of us learn we have to be good kids (which means we don’t want to get caught) and freedom is determined by our willingness to take risks. Since I was not big on taking risks, I pretty much stayed out of trouble.

As a teenager, the biggest violation I made was driving on Pacific Coast Hwy. on an occasional Friday night. My girlfriend and I felt like we were adventurers, even though we never reached out of our car windows or exited the car. Still, if our mothers knew what we were doing, we’d have been in big trouble. At least, I would have been.

Then my adult years flew by with the challenges of marriage, working full-time, and a degree of angst as I wondered if being a bank assistant manager would be the acme of my career. But I tripped upon the idea of teaching adults, in particular, teaching engineers to write, and eventually felt I’d met that challenge, sold that business, and moved into the area of teaching and consulting about conflict, where I watched people who showed a mixed ability to collaborate and argue, meet goals and sabotage each other, and muddle their way through teamwork. It wasn’t as dismal as it sounds, but although it was rewarding work, it was stressful and demanding.

And then I decided it was time to retire.

Looking back, I feel as if I’m now in a whole new universe of my life. I have very few obligations or commitments. My days are filled with early morning stretching, coffee with breakfast, contemplating crossword puzzles, prayer and meditation, making bereavement calls to hospice families, reading non-fiction books, discussing politics with my husband and with my Ricochetti friends, leading a Jewish study group once per month, pursuing Torah study, writing nearly every day, and putting in regular exercise. My husband even cooks dinner for us most nights, while I kick back and have a glass of wine. (Up until a few years, I happily cooked dinner.) Since I had no specific plans for my senior years, I’ve wondered recently whether this is a life that suits me.

I’m no longer working under stress. I no longer need to make cold calls. I can go to lunch with a friend whenever I like. I manage the aches and pains of being 73 years old, and they aren’t too demanding. I can schedule my daily life in just the way I wish.

I realize there is a part of me that feels guilty. Should I be doing more? Should I put myself in challenging situations more often? Should I do even more to stimulate my mind and body?

And then I realize that I’m incredibly lucky to have all this freedom, all these choices. I have to challenge the validity of my beliefs and aspirations at this stage of my life, instead of maintaining those of the young woman who lived 40 or 50 years ago.

And yet . . .

Is this where I want to be?

Is this who I am?

*     *     *     *

At the moment I feel more in the rhythm of my life than a stranger to it. In the last couple of years, maybe due to multiple challenges, I’ve felt that something is out of balance, like I’m only a participant in my life events rather than the center of them. I’m not sure where that estrangement comes from; sometimes it seems front and center, and at other times it’s not even in my consciousness.

Over time, I hope I gain more clarity about what life is asking of me.

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  1. Rodin Member
    Rodin
    @Rodin

    When I was 19 I made the acquaintance of a woman who ~32. I asked her whether she was happy and she replied that, no, she wasn’t happy but that she was content. (She had been divorced and suffered from a form of arthritis that attacked younger people. ) I thought, at the time, that that was a sad response. In later years I revised my thinking. 

    I am at an age now where I have had many more opportunities for everything than I will have in the future. But I am content. I know I can’t do everything I could imagine, even some things I could afford. And that no matter what I do from now on, there will always be things undone. But I am content for myself, if not for others. 

    • #1
  2. Susan Quinn Contributor
    Susan Quinn
    @SusanQuinn

    Rodin (View Comment):

    When I was 19 I made the acquaintance of a woman who ~32. I asked her whether she was happy and she replied that, no, she wasn’t happy but that she was content. (She had been divorced and suffered from a form of arthritis that attacked younger people. ) I thought, at the time, that that was a sad response. In later years I revised my thinking.

    I am at an age now where I have had many more opportunities for everything than I will have in the future. But I am content. I know I can’t do everything I could imagine, even some things I could afford. And that no matter what I do from now on, there will always be things undone. But I am content for myself, if not for others.

    I seem to be, at this moment, uneasy with my contentment. That probably sounds odd. Thanks so much for sharing your own reflections, Rodin.

    • #2
  3. Susan Quinn Contributor
    Susan Quinn
    @SusanQuinn

     

    • #3
  4. Mad Gerald Coolidge
    Mad Gerald
    @Jose

    Rodin (View Comment):
    I am at an age now where I have had many more opportunities for everything than I will have in the future. But I am content. I know I can’t do everything I could imagine, even some things I could afford. And that no matter what I do from now on, there will always be things undone. But I am content for myself, if not for others.

    Not long after we married my wife asked what I wanted out of life, what was my ultimate goal.  After some thought I said I wanted to be content.  She was incensed at my lack of ambition.

    Now she is long gone and I was right.  I am content.

    • #4
  5. Mad Gerald Coolidge
    Mad Gerald
    @Jose

    Afterthought: And I know that wherever she is, she is not.

    • #5
  6. Susan Quinn Contributor
    Susan Quinn
    @SusanQuinn

    Mad Gerald (View Comment):

    Rodin (View Comment):
    I am at an age now where I have had many more opportunities for everything than I will have in the future. But I am content. I know I can’t do everything I could imagine, even some things I could afford. And that no matter what I do from now on, there will always be things undone. But I am content for myself, if not for others.

    Not long after we married my wife asked what I wanted out of life, what was my ultimate goal. After some thought I said I wanted to be content. She was incensed at my lack of ambition.

    Now she is long gone and I was right. I am content.

    My husband and I were the opposite, although I said something like you. Although contentment is not coming easily for me, ultimately that is what I seek. Thanks for weighing in, MG.

    • #6
  7. Susan Quinn Contributor
    Susan Quinn
    @SusanQuinn

    @rodin and @madgerald, you’ve both mentioned contentment. I think I may be getting an inkling of what my uneasiness is about. I think that I’m just starting to realize that contentment is not about a steady state; it’s about an overall sense of ease and satisfaction that, in spite of life’s difficulties, maintains an equanimity overall. When disrupted, it usually finds its way back. I want to remember that–that contentment does not guarantee that life will not throw us a curve, but we can find our way back. I wonder if that makes sense.

    • #7
  8. Mad Gerald Coolidge
    Mad Gerald
    @Jose

    contentment = acceptance.

    • #8
  9. Stad Coolidge
    Stad
    @Stad

    When I was a teenager, my big goal in life was to be a Honda motorcycle mechanic.  However, when I took chemistry in the 11th grade, my teacher made me realize I was smart enough to go to college, so I decided I would go and major in chemistry.  Besides, my stepfather was a college professor, and he had a sweet gig.  He taught two graduate level courses 3 days a week, which allowed him to play a heckuva lot of golf.  I figure PhD was the way to go.  However, I took physics in 12th grade and fell in love with the subject, so that’s what I majored in.

     

    • #9
  10. Susan Quinn Contributor
    Susan Quinn
    @SusanQuinn

    Stad (View Comment):

    When I was a teenager, my big goal in life was to be a Honda motorcycle mechanic. However, when I took chemistry in the 11th grade, my teacher made me realize I was smart enough to go to college, so I decided I would go and major in chemistry. Besides, my stepfather was a college professor, and he had a sweet gig. He taught two graduate level courses 3 days a week, which allowed him to play a heckuva lot of golf. I figure PhD was the way to go. However, I took physics in 12th grade and fell in love with the subject, so that’s what I majored in.

     

    It’s interesting how so many of us went in so many directions early on. I think that’s great as we discover where our talents lie and what we love. Thanks, Stad.

    • #10
  11. Percival Thatcher
    Percival
    @Percival

    Susan Quinn: Is this who I am?

    You are God’s child. So you have that going for you – which is nice.

    I am God’s Bad Example.

    • #11
  12. Susan Quinn Contributor
    Susan Quinn
    @SusanQuinn

    Percival (View Comment):
    I am God’s Bad Example.

    Now cut that out! You’re one of my rocks, along with a few other people who have commented on this post!

    • #12
  13. Fritz Coolidge
    Fritz
    @Fritz

    My ambition as a teen was to become a world-class, concert-level trumpet player. So much so that, in high school, I fought with my parents for a couple years over my desire to attend music conservatory instead of college.

    We finally made the first of two agreements that turned out in retrospect to have been critical turning points in the direction my life took: first, they would support me going to conservatory if I first would agree to go to a highly selective boarding school for my last two years of high school. OK, check.

    Off to the boarding school where the academics were far more challenging than my local high school, and where I also was able to continue to study trumpet, play in the concert band, and perform with a small dance/jazz band (we were skilled enough to actually professionally record an LP each year). I applied for and won a summer program full-ride to a music college, but my parents insisted I had to work (boarding school ain’t cheap), so we made the second important agreement: I would pass on the scholarship but work that summer, and they would support my taking intensive music instruction, with two trumpet lessons per week, plus I’d start learning piano.

    Result: by the end of summer, I’d realized that I simply did not have either the natural gifts nor the drive to achieve my musical dreams. I did not want to be a second-rate professional. So, it was off to college after all.

    The college experience was not all that great except for two things: it gave me a good credential for later applications for grad, ultimately law school, and far more importantly, college was where I met the woman whom I’d marry and with whom many, many adventures would unfold over the next 38 years (grist for other posts).

    It has now been some 16 plus years since she left us, a victim of the big C. Life has taken a lot of turns since, and I still miss her a lot. But I have found contentment and satisfaction in this chapter, so no regrets. Well, none worth mentioning, anyway.

    • #13
  14. Susan Quinn Contributor
    Susan Quinn
    @SusanQuinn

    Fritz (View Comment):

    The college experience was not all that great except for two things: it gave me a good credential for later applications for grad, ultimately law school, and far more importantly, college was where I met the woman whom I’d marry and with whom many, many adventures would unfold over the next 38 years (grist for other posts).

    It has now been some 16 plus years since she left us, a victim of the big C. Life has taken a lot of turns since, and I still miss her a lot. But I have found contentment and satisfaction in this chapter, so no regrets. Well, none worth mentioning, anyway.

    First, I’m hoping your “grist for other posts” will be a post and not only a comment, although this comment was wonderful. Except I’m so sorry you lost your wife. And I love hearing over and over the satisfaction and contentment that people are experiencing. It warms my heart. And encourages me, too.

    • #14
  15. Chuck Coolidge
    Chuck
    @Chuckles

    I wanted to be a pilot (like my dad).  But (sixty years) ago my eyes were not good enough.

    Then I wanted to be a Chemical Engineer and make lots of money.  It took one college Chemistry course to cure that.  So I became an electrical engineer and excelled.  I have to say that I have always enjoyed my work.  (Well, there have been moments.)

    Always enjoyed the vacations as well – and we drove the Pacific Coast Highway on one trip. 

    Hindsight has demonstrated that even the trials turned out for good. (Rom. 8:28 ❤️)

    • #15
  16. Susan Quinn Contributor
    Susan Quinn
    @SusanQuinn

    Chuck (View Comment):

    I wanted to be a pilot (like my dad). But (sixty years) ago my eyes were not good enough.

    Then I wanted to be a Chemical Engineer and make lots of money. It took one college Chemistry course to cure that. So I became an electrical engineer and excelled. I have to say that I have always enjoyed my work. (Well, there have been moments.)

    Always enjoyed the vacations as well – and we drove the Pacific Coast Highway on one trip.

    Hindsight has demonstrated that even the trials turned out for good. (Rom. 8:28 ❤️)

    Good for you, Chuck. You kept working to find your path and didn’t let the trials stop you!

    • #16
  17. GLDIII Purveyor of Splendid Malpropisms Reagan
    GLDIII Purveyor of Splendid Malpropisms
    @GLDIII

    I think I am still trying to figure out what I want to be when I grow up…

    • #17
  18. Chuck Coolidge
    Chuck
    @Chuckles

    GLDIII Purveyor of Splendid Ma… (View Comment):

    I think I am still trying to figure out what I want to be when I grow up…

    Take your time 

     

    • #18
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