Today in Washington DC, the Department of Justice announced a revised Bill of Rights.  In a TikTok statement revealing the new text of the first ten Amendments to the US Constitution, US Attorney General, Merrick B. Garland, said,  “The new text will bring into alignment the word of law with the practice of law by this Justice Department.  This will clear up any confusion that citizens have about their rights around here.” General Garland gestured quotes, when saying the word “rights.”

President Biden commented with a charming grin, “That guy over there is building back better the … you know…the thing.  On the ice cream scale, I give it three scoops!”

General Garland added, “Indeed! We are also working on a whole set of new rights related to killing babies, guaranteed incomes, global citizens, and paying tributes to the ruling class. We are just getting started.”

The release by the Department of Justice sidesteps the archaic process of officially amending the Constitution with state-by-state ratification and quickly refreshes the stale, old document.   Reached for comment, Utah Senator Mitt Romney said, “My friend Joey is always innovating and as a strict, strict conservative, I appreciate the way he continually evolves government boundaries.”

In a follow-up Instagram post, Garland addressed questions about Constitutional authority saying, “Can we do it?  We just did!  Who is going to stop us?  We have SWAT teams and plenty of prison cells.” adding, “Should text books be updated?   Probably not.   Justice is a very dynamic process and the people should be cautioned that these ‘rights’ are really more like ‘guidelines.’ No promises!”  and lastly, “No, this did not start on January 6, 2021.  This has been in the works for over a decade.  Transparency feels good, right?”

The Revised Bill of Rights is as follows:

Amendment I

Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances.

Amendment II

A well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed.

Amendment III

No Soldier shall, in time of peace be quartered in any house, without the consent of the Owner, nor in time of war, but in a manner to be prescribed by law [or by executive order].

Amendment IV

The right of the people to be secure in their persons, houses, papers, and effects, against unreasonable searches and seizures, shall not be violated, and no Warrants shall issue, but upon probable cause, supported by Oath or affirmation [or accusation or secret determination], and particularly describing the place to be searched, and the persons or things to be seized.

Amendment V

No person shall be held to answer for a capital, or otherwise infamous crime, unless on a presentment or indictment of a Grand Jury [or secret court], except in cases arising in the land or naval forces, or in the Militia, when in actual service in time of War or public danger; nor shall any person be subject for the same offense to be twice put in jeopardy of life or limb; nor shall be compelled in any criminal case to be a witness against himself, nor be deprived of life, liberty, or property, without due process of law; nor shall private property be taken for public use, without just compensation.

Amendment VI

In all criminal prosecutions, the accused shall enjoy the right to a speedy and public trial, by an impartial jury of the State and district wherein the crime shall have been committed, which district shall have been previously ascertained by law, and to be informed of the nature and cause of the accusation; to be confronted with the witnesses against him; to have compulsory process for obtaining witnesses in his favor, and to have the [opportunity to purchase] Assistance of Counsel for his defense.

Amendment VII

In Suits at common law, where the value in controversy shall exceed twenty dollars, the right of [opportunity to purchase] trial by jury shall be preserved, and no fact tried by a jury, shall be otherwise re-examined in any Court of the United States, than according to the rules of the common law.

Amendment VIII

Excessive bail shall not be required, nor excessive fines imposed, nor cruel and unusual punishments inflicted.

Amendment IX

The enumeration in the Constitution, of certain rights, shall not be construed to deny or disparage others retained by the people.

Amendment X

The powers not delegated to the United States by the Constitution, nor prohibited by it to the States, are reserved to the States respectively, or to the people.