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Grandaddy’s Aphorisms
Just wondering. I was recently reminded of my Grandaddy’s penchant for the colloquial observation. He grew up dirt poor in West Virginia. The derriere, the back of the front, the tush, the bum, the rump, the seat. In a time before digital calibration, this most lagging of the anatomy formed a bedrock against which the natural world was measured. Two of his aphorisms that endure from my childhood recollections are:
- Slicker than a soap maker’s ass, and
- Colder than a well digger’s ass.
He was also fond, every day at 5 p.m. sharp (you could set your watch by it), of proclaiming “Bread is the staff of life, but whiskey is life itself,” before sipping his bourbon and water.
Please chime in one and all with any other such sayings from a bygone era via our dearest relations.
Published in General
My stepfather used to say, “It’s colder than a stepmother’s kiss.”
I have a friend (he’s in his early 70s) with a million of these. One of my favorites—when asked how he’s doing, his go-to response is “fine as frog hair”.
That dog won’t hunt.
Busier than a one-legged man at an ass-kicking contest.
Busier than a one-armed piano player.
Busier than man up to his ass in alligators trying to drain a swamp.
Slower than molasses running uphill in February (in Indiana).
Colder than a politician´s heart.
I had a basketball coach who would rail on us when we didn’t play well, and it was your first one that reminded me of him.
When playing poor defense, for example, he’d scold “you’re as useless as a one-legged man in an ass-kicking contest”. His back up was “you’re as useless as tits on a boar”.
Loved that guy–fought cancer for a long while and is gone too soon.
Don’t let your battleship mouth get your rowboat derriere in trouble.
Busier than a cat on a hot time roof kicking excrement a mile.
My uncle would add “and twice as fuzzy.”
My mom and her father have always used that one.
When I met my wife’s parents a whole world of new colorful metaphors opened up to me. I had heard about the legendary cursing of sailors and my late father-in-law (a Navy man) gave credence to that stereotype. He had a number of expressions which cannot be repeated in polite company.
I used to know a guy who referred to a well running computer program as being slicker than snake snot.
All hat and no cattle
I’ll try to be discreet here–an old wrestling coach I knew (Korean War Army or Marine vet) was prone to pretty salty language. When one of his guys had wrestled particularly deftly, he would say “you were slicker than an wedding p****”. Thought that was kind of funny.
My mom from rural Arkansas had a lot of these. As kids, we never thought these were funny though we enjoy them now.
“I’m going to whirl back and kick your hind end up between your shoulders!”
“I’m going knock you clear out into the back yard till you’re wiggling your ears trying to get up!”
Of course, she never acted on any of this.
Also:
“Don’t stand there blinking your eyes like a hop-toad caught in a drag!” (drag–a type of plow)
“You look like a goose looking for rain!”
“Smooth as an android’s bottom.”
“Not the sharpest knife in the drawer. Not the brightest star in the sky. Not the fastest, thing, in the place, where things tend to be fast.”
That’s an original. Feel free to use it. I won’t mind.
When my father wanted to imply an individual was useless, he would say, “He has one thumb in his mouth and the other up his (derriere), and every few minutes, he switches.”
My mother’s way was to ask a question, “Do you want me to beat your head in?”
My father’s solution for rapists, child molesters, etc.: “Nail his testicles to the outhouse seat, give him a rusty knife, and set the outhouse on fire.”
Wife’s grandpa had some gems:
As worthless as tits on a boar-hog
There’s a difference between scratching and digging a hole to China
Shivering and shaking like a dog trying to pass a peach stone
One boy is a boy, two boys are half a boy, three boys are no boy at all
“Jumping around like a parched pea on a hot shovel” (Parched peas are a Lancashire bonfire night “delicacy”)
“Running around in ever diminishing circles, until they disappear up their own [bum]holes”
“He vanished like a fart in a colander”
Oh, I could go on and on…My Dad had an inexhaustible supply of such things, most of them not suitable for the drawing room.
This reminds me of another one from my above-referenced basketball coach. When someone was playing erratically and moving around the court with little clear purpose, he would say “you’re bouncing around like a fart in a rain barrel”.
Colder than a bucket of penguin s**t.
Slicker than snot on a new door knob.
Owl poop. Slicker than owl poop.
You said it before I added it! Great minds think alike.
Brothers. Definitely brothers.
If it had been a snake I could have bit it. (My father-in-law.)
Dumber than a sack of hair.
Dumber than a bag of hammers.
So worthless I wouldn´t pay him/her/it half my attention.
So worthless I wouldn´t [redacted] on him to save his life.
I always heard brass doorknob.
His cornbread ain’t done in the middle.
A guy I knew from Missouri used to say, “Slicker than deer guts on a brass door knob.”
His antenna don’t bring in many stations.
His bubble is a little off center.
He’s a couple sandwiches short of a picnic.
His elevator doesn’t go to the top floor.