Soviet Russia Jokes

 

I was participating in a thread by@willowspring about Professional Jokes and @kedavis mentioned wanting more “In Russia” jokes.  So, why not a thread of great Soviet/Russian jokes?  Like this one:

Stalin is dead and things have begun to lighten up a bit relatively speaking. An old couple live in an apartment in Moscow and she sends him down to buy some meat for supper. After queueing for the obligatory three hours he gets to the counter and the woman says ‘No more meat, meat finished’. He cracks and starts raving ‘I fought in the Revolution, I fought for Lenin in the First World War and for Stalin in the Second World War and we are still in this [REDACTED]?’ One of the leather-jacketed brigade takes him on one side and says ‘Look old man you know you can’t talk like this. Just think, a few years ago you would have been shot for saying these things.’ The old man trudges home. His wife seeing him empty-handed says ‘Run out of meat again have they?’ He says: ‘It’s worse than that, they’ve run out of bullets.’

Or, this one, which is different:

A young couple are in Red Square in Moscow the night before their wedding.  The sky is dark and gloomy and the young bride is worried that their wedding day might be ruined if it rains instead of snowing.  She turns to her husband and says,

“Dearest Ivan Alexseivich, I am worried that it may rain and melt all of the snow which would ruin our wedding since we are arriving by troika”. 

Ivan turned to her and said, my dearest Katya Ivanova this would truly be a tragedy, but do not fear.  I will ask my good friend Rudoph Petrovich if it will rain tomorrow.”  

“Isn’t Rudoph Pretovich your childhood friend?” she asked

“Yes, we were in Young Pioneers, and them Komsumol together and we both joined the Party together.  He got a job here in Moscow where he is a manager at a tractor factory.  He is a true communist!” Ivan told her

“But why would you ask him about if it would rain?  Is he a meterologist?” Katya asked

“No, he is a factory manager like I said, he studied engineering in university” Ivan replied

“So, why would you ask him about the weather for our wedding?”

“Because, my dear, Rudolph the Red knows rain dear.

What are some good ones that you have heard?

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  1. Gary McVey Contributor
    Gary McVey
    @GaryMcVey

    True story. The Moscow film festival was always as lavish as the state could afford; it was a massive propaganda showcase and in Soviet times, a rare opportunity for the locals to see western movies. One of the annual highlights was the day in Leningrad (St. Petersburg). The entire foreign delegation–about 800 people–left Moscow in our very own train for a rollicking, hard drinking overnight ride. After an exhausting day rushing through the sights, the train returned to Moscow the following night. 

    One year Francis Coppola was on the film festival jury. He looked forward to the fabled train ride. “Oh, no, Meester Coppola. You are too great and important for the train.”  “But I really want to go. All my friends will be on board.” “No, no, it would be disgraceful for the festival to allow you to. We have arranged special air transportation.” Seeing that he was boxed in, Coppola shrugged and let them drive him to Sheremetyevo airport, where he boarded a small jet.  It landed in Leningrad a few hours later.

    But there was no one there to greet him. He waited in the terminal until a grumpy old man shouted at him in Russian, and then turned out the lights. He spent the remaining hours until dawn there, until someone remembered and sent a taxi for him. 

    • #31
  2. The Reticulator Member
    The Reticulator
    @TheReticulator

    David C. Broussard (View Comment):

    Columbo (View Comment):

     

     

    I do love that plumber joke. I hadn’t heard the curfew one. That one was great.

    The Soviet film, Afonya, which came out in 1975, is a good one for seeing how it worked with Soviet plumbers. It’s not real life, but there is a lot in the film that would have been familiar to the audience.  Afonya is an exceptional slacker of a plumber.  Here it is, with English subtitles.

    According to Sergei of the Ushanka Show channel, it did indeed take 9 or 10 years to wait for a car. I don’t remember him saying you had to pay in advance, but when your turn came up the car you were waiting for might not be what you had wanted, and you had the choice of buying it or going back to the end of the line.  

     

    • #32
  3. The Reticulator Member
    The Reticulator
    @TheReticulator

    The Reticulator (View Comment):
    According to Sergei of the Ushanka Show channel, it did indeed take 9 or 10 years to wait for a car. I don’t remember him saying you had to pay in advance, but when your turn came up the car you were waiting for might not be what you had wanted, and you had the choice of buying it or going back to the end of the line.

    Sergei occasionally tells Soviet jokes that he remembers.  English is not his first language so his timing is not great enough to elicit any LOLs, and he has to do a lot of explaining for most of them, but here is the playlist:

     

    • #33
  4. The Reticulator Member
    The Reticulator
    @TheReticulator

    The Reticulator (View Comment):

    David C. Broussard (View Comment):

    Columbo (View Comment):

     

     

    I do love that plumber joke. I hadn’t heard the curfew one. That one was great.

    The Soviet film, Afonya, which came out in 1975, is a good one for seeing how it worked with Soviet plumbers. It’s not real life, but there is a lot in the film that would have been familiar to the audience. Afonya is an exceptional slacker of a plumber. Here it is, with English subtitles.

    According to Sergei of the Ushanka Show channel, it did indeed take 9 or 10 years to wait for a car. I don’t remember him saying you had to pay in advance, but when your turn came up the car you were waiting for might not be what you had wanted, and you had the choice of buying it or going back to the end of the line.

     

    The subtitles might be a little better synchronized on this one.  Not as good as they should be, but better, maybe.

     

    • #34
  5. David C. Broussard Coolidge
    David C. Broussard
    @Dbroussa

    BDB (View Comment):
    In Russia, dark humor is like food.

    • #35
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