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Quote of the Day: Gossip
“It is just as cowardly to judge an absent person as it is wicked to strike a defenseless one. Only the ignorant and narrow-minded gossip, for they speak of persons instead of things.” — Lawrence G. Lovasik
Father Lovasik didn’t mince words. He made it clear that gossip is a hateful activity, and those who indulged in it were to be held in contempt.
And yet is there anyone who doesn’t gossip?
In many ways, gossip is difficult to avoid. How can we talk about our lives without talking about others? For many of us, our interactions with others fill a large part of our lives—at home, at work, and in our recreation. But it’s worth looking at how we engage in gossip, not only what we say about a person, but the motives behind our behavior.
For one, I think we often gossip about others because we don’t like them, or what they say, or what they support. When you hold someone in disdain, it’s easy to find fault with him. We also experience a certain gratification when we discount someone else, because it puts us in the position of elevating ourselves. We would never say something like that. We couldn’t imagine ourselves expressing ideas like those ideas. So we deride people, and in the act, we demonstrate our superiority.
Judaism has strict laws against gossip, also known as lashon hara:
Rabbinic law distinguishes between various categories of talebearing (rekhilut), slandering, scandalmongering etc. Every kind of trafficking in evil report or rumors—whether true or not—by carrying them from one person to another, or by relating unpleasant or harmful facts about another, is forbidden. The rabbis forbade even “the dust of lashon hara” [avak lashon hara], i.e., lashon hara by insinuation, as in saying ‘do not mention so-and-so for I do not wish to tell in what he was involved,’ or in praising a person to his enemy since this also invites lashon hara.
But if gossip is so easy to indulge in, how do we stop doing it? I’ve found it very difficult to restrain myself, especially when someone angers or frustrates me; I think subconsciously I rationalize that they deserve my criticism, and therefore they give me the “right” to tell others about them. The person may be a person worthy of disapproval, but have they given me the right to gossip about them, or damage their reputation?
At times, I also feel the desire to “vent” my exasperation about people. It reduces my stress and anger, and I’ll usually feel better about the situation.
At least for a while.
I’ve thought about the subject of gossip for a long time. In Judaism, destroying a person’s reputation is a sin. I’ve discovered that it seems impossible to completely avoid gossiping. I’ve resolved as much as possible to limit how much and often I gossip about others. When I’m in a conversation where someone else gossips, I usually try to dissuade them from pursuing that line of discussion or change the topic. But at the very least, I try to refrain from gossiping myself. It only puts more ugliness in the world.
And what about Ricochet? Do our posts about people reflect our approval of gossip?
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Published in Group Writing
Yes, of course it is. If one understands “gossip” to be–as it is defined in similar ways in most major dictionaries of the Western world–a sort of frivolous persiflage spread about other people, not necessarily based on fact, and often with an intent to scandalmonger and and with the effect of spreading hurtful and damaging rumors, then one understands the QOTD one particular way.
If one’s own unique definition of “gossip” veers from that understanding and involves any conversation about others, even that which deals in reality and hard facts, then I suppose it’s possible to object to what one imagines is Fr. Lovasik’s characterization.
As for the spreading of false and malicious rumors, that’s a subject which has been deprecated and deplored, even absent the Bible, from Virgil to Swift to (possibly) Mark Twain. So I think the precedent is set, and understanding the spirit of the quote in that way is perfectly rational and acceptable. Sometimes, we should consider the spirit, before we get too tied up in our own underwear about the letter.
Thanks, She. I also think that just contemplating the definition of gossip and how we practice it in our lives is a very good exercise in self-reflection. It helps us build trust with others, confidence in ourselves to be discreet, and strengthens relationships overall.
So says gun-packin’ Susie Oakley!
(Whether or not you ever thought you could, one day you just did. QED)
Wow, you have a great memory! I even outshot (for accuracy) my hubby! (You should have seen the instructor’s face when we signed up for extra lessons.) Good example, Percival.
I agree. Exercises in self-awareness and self-reflection are rarely wasted.
In my enthusiasm, I clearly did not sufficiently qualify my points: I am not arguing that one can become anything. I am arguing merely that we are all capable of changing.
The Nature/Nurture/Fatalist folks reckon that we are who we are, and people don’t change. A self-fulfilling prophecy.
Source: https://www.facebook.com/baptisthumor
Yes there is the distinct possibility that is gossip.
Whether it happens to be a set of facts, or gossip, depends on whether or not the story is one sided.
There are many many occurrences, for instance, of one spouse stating the other one is no longer a member of the household due to that spouse sexually abusing the children.
Until the matter is resolved by the County agency equipped to deal with such, it is better to remain open minded.
And even then, mistakes have been made. Serious mistakes, in which the one who is accused is not the perp but the accuser is. Then the accuser goes on to murder his new romantic partner. So at that point, the court is forced to release the mom from prison where she was supposed to sit for another 25 years for “kidnapping” the abused daughter.
Or maybe the matter is a bit more clear cut. One spouse says the other is 86’ed from the home, due to DUI’s and always being drunk and unemployed.
If you have run into this person in a drunken state several times, that might point to the veracity of this story.
But until things are that clear cut, most “statements of fact” should be considered hearsay.
Ok so never, under any circumstances ever talk about anyone else about anything ever because it is gossip.
Not even a best friend because, hey, he might not know for sure 100%.
Got it.
How about being thoughtful about what we learn (since we might not know the source), and keeping it to ourselves. Your exaggerating isn’t helpful.
Just taking her to her logical conclusion.
Yes, I was going to say it’s a sin in Catholicism. I did not realize this until Pope Francis who talked about it, which is less than ten years ago. I had not realized. And every so often I do bring it up in my confessional. The thought of it being a sin has made me bite my tongue whenever I’m aware of what I’m about to do.
And that’s really the best we can do. Good for you, Manny.
This is a good question. I’ve been confronted with this at times. Let me venture with a proposition but I’m not sure if it’s sound. If the information you are passing on has a direct bearing on the life of the person you are telling, especially a negative bearing, I would say it is not gossip. And I would propose you have some obligation to not slander the person you are talking about. But if you are gratuitously passing negative info about someone else, I would say that’s definitely gossip. What do people think?
I agree with this. At a minimum we can improve.
Works for me! Let’s see if others address your comment.
Phil, I don’t think iWe was referring to things like that. I don’t think a person can change their gender. That’s biologically fixed. I think he’s referring to things of habit.
I’m not sure where the heck you got that from. I never said choices or words don’t affect people. I never said gossip is just good fun. You made all that out of whole cloth.
I’m sorry, but this makes no sense at all. Because you can flatter someone destructively but you can also die from oxygen, or water.
Sometimes you do know they were stealing. I had a friend one time that for years was embezzling funds from our club to pay for her drug habit. I have no problem warning others about her crimes. She’s not a friend anymore and her reputation most certainly needed to be lowered substantially.
I think this is one of the most foolish discussions I’ve seen from people I normally consider quite bright.
The prescription is often stated, “Judge not. lest ye be judged.” My rule is to live life well and demand to be judged. I don’t think well of people who don’t want to be judged.
Killing is not wrong. Murder is wrong because murder is wrongful killing.
Talking about people is not wrong. Gossip is wrong because gossip is unjustifiably talking bad about people.
This is why I consider this post to be as empty as Polonius’ advice to neither a borrower nor lender be. Empty platitude.
Civilization can’t exist without borrowing and lending.
Civilization can’t exist if we don’t identify bad acts of others and punish them if appropriate.
Trying to denigrate all talk of any kind about people is ridiculous.
Research has shown, over and over and over, that cognitive aptitude (also known as intelligence) is very much fixed in a narrow range for each person, with a large genetic component. At least, the upper bound is fixed. (Extreme abuse and deprivation can reduce aptitude–nothing has ever been shown to durably increase it.)
This is paralleled by inherited physical traits for size, strength, endurance, and quickness. Physical aptitude, so to speak.
Achievement is the combination of interest, aptitude, time, and effort. At any level of achievement, for equal interest, more aptitude means less time and effort, and vice versa. This is as true for cognitive achievement as for physical achievement.
It is awfully politically incorrect. It is extremely discouraging for those with less aptitude to see others breezing through tasks that they struggle with, whether physical or cognitive. Neither makes it any less true. iWe disputes and/or downplays this reality in regards to cognition. I object.
I’ve changed my habits, on this issue and others. I believe in the power of grace and conversion. I don’t believe we are fixed beings when it comes to habits.
I would add for the purpose of self aggrandizement. Let me confess. I have caught myself passing on the foibles of a co-worker to others, passing it as if it’s just a joke. Consciously or unconsciously what I am doing is ridiculing that co-worker with the effect of making myself seem superior. Mea culpa mea culpa mea maxima culpa.
That is the effort part.
Gee, Skyler, this must have touched too close to home for you for you to be so outraged. Sorry about that.
No. It’s just another ridiculous down home feel good platitude filled post that falls apart at the flimsiest inspection.
And the deflection of the sin onto me for pointing out the illogic of it all is pathetic.
It’s honestly among the worst display of illogic I’ve ever seen to actually claim that talking about people is a bad thing. Who on Earth thinks that makes any sense at all? Every history book talks about people. Our society consists of talking about people. Talking about people is what humans do and need to do to be civilized. If we don’t talk about people, and make judgments on bad behavior, then we wouldn’t be even as socialized as monkeys.
I think you’ve set a record for insults toward me on this post, Skyler. I think you protest far too much.
Wow, you talked about people. Isn’t that supposed to be wrong?
And by the way, I don’t recall insulting people, only ideas, which are things. Isn’t that supposed to be okay?
I think gossip comes with malicious intent.
Not sure about that. Although I suppose it could be subconscious.