Professional Jokes

 

I don’t mean jokes told by a professional comedian, I mean jokes told about a particular profession.  Unlike ‘lawyer jokes’ that I know, I don’t mean jokes others make to poke fun at a particular profession, I mean jokes that those in the profession would tell about themselves — usually with a seed of truth.

The best I can do is to give an example. I am an Engineer and this is about the only Engineer joke I know. Unfortunately, it is best told in person, since it requires sounds and gestures which are difficult to put into writing:

During the French Revolution, a priest, a lawyer and an engineer are all to be executed by guillotine.

The priest is first and he asks to be guillotined face-up so he can face his maker. The executioner complies and cranks up the large heavy blade….

whoosh, clunk (this requires a downward chopping motion with the hand with an abrupt stop along with the whoosh/clunk sound effects)

The guillotine has jammed!

The lawyer yells, “That’s it!  You can’t try again, since it would be double jeopardy,” so the priest is allowed to leave.

The lawyer is next and also requests to be guillotined face-up. The blade is cranked up again and…

Whoosh, clunk — the same result. The lawyer is also allowed to leave.

Then it is the engineer’s turn — he also asks to be executed face-up and the blade is cranked up again…

The engineer cries out, “Hey guys! I know how to fix this thing!”

The seed of truth is that to an engineer, fixing the thing is the most important task at hand.

What “professional jokes” do you know?  Bonus points if it is your profession.

Published in Humor
This post was promoted to the Main Feed by a Ricochet Editor at the recommendation of Ricochet members. Like this post? Want to comment? Join Ricochet’s community of conservatives and be part of the conversation. Join Ricochet for Free.

There are 61 comments.

Become a member to join the conversation. Or sign in if you're already a member.
  1. Bob Armstrong Thatcher
    Bob Armstrong
    @BobArmstrong

    A mathematician, a theoretical physicist, and an engineer walk into a room. Lined up against the opposite wall are three gorgeous young ladies, completely nude, holding full steins of beer. They beckon to the men to come over and join them.

    The mathematician holds out his arm to bar the way and says “Aha, this is Zeno’s Paradox – we will continually cross half the remaining distance to the women but never reach them. Classic limit function problem!”

    The physicist ponders the problem for a bit and says “I see no men on that side of the room, and surmise we are in the initial state of a gender distribution disequilibrium. We need to wait for entropic decay to evenly distribute us to their side of the room.”

    The engineer looks at his two buddies and says “Alright, you guys stay here – I’ll get close enough!”

    • #31
  2. Full Size Tabby Member
    Full Size Tabby
    @FullSizeTabby

    One for the choir directors:

    How many choir directors does it take to change a lightbulb?

    No one knows because no one’s ever watching the director. 

    • #32
  3. Stad Coolidge
    Stad
    @Stad

    Gossamer Cat (View Comment):

    I’d tell you a chemistry joke, but I probably wouldn’t get a reaction.

    There has to be a solution to your problem . . .

    • #33
  4. GPentelie Coolidge
    GPentelie
    @GPentelie

    Thirty year or so career in the financial derivatives business. Part of that, in the beginning, was on the sales side. Lots of cold-calling involved. Here’s a joke I heard back in those days:

    New salesman in the bond department gets his cold-call list for the day, starts dialing. On one of his calls, ends up talking to a 93 year old lady, and tries to convince her to invest in the just issued 30 year bond. Her answer: “Dear young man, these days I don’t even buy green bananas.”

    • #34
  5. WillowSpring Member
    WillowSpring
    @WillowSpring

    Bob Armstrong (View Comment):
    The engineer looks at his two buddies and says “Alright, you guys stay here – I’ll get close enough!”

    This reminds me of something I learned getting my degree.  I was lucky enough to be working full time and getting the degree at night with a high percentage of professors who worked full time and taught one or two classes at night.

    A saying by one of them – as Biden would say – “Not a Joke!” – was:  “You will learn a lot of math and how to optimize certain cost functions.  As an Engineer, you need to ‘Satisfize’ and move on”

     

     

    • #35
  6. WillowSpring Member
    WillowSpring
    @WillowSpring

    I want to thank you ‘guys’ for all the responses.  I remembered some, but some were new to me.

    Mrs Spring loved them, too!

    • #36
  7. iWe Coolidge
    iWe
    @iWe

    deleted

    • #37
  8. kedavis Coolidge
    kedavis
    @kedavis

    iWe (View Comment):

    deleted

    Oh, come on!

    • #38
  9. Skyler Coolidge
    Skyler
    @Skyler

    The real engineer joke is that you felt a need to explain this very old joke as though the humor wasn’t obvious.  

    The best lawyer joke was the president of the California Bar a few decades ago who very loudly and publicly complained that people were telling lawyer jokes.  The jokes weren’t funny, he said because everyone knew that lawyers are the saviors of law and order and those jokes were dangerous to the mental health of lawyers.  He became quite a laughing stock.

    • #39
  10. Skyler Coolidge
    Skyler
    @Skyler

    Django (View Comment):

    To be serious for a moment: When I was a kid, lo those decades ago, lawyers were generally admired, maybe even envied. I can remember the exact time when I developed a mild contempt for the profession, and why, but overall, what went wrong? I honestly don’t know.

    To be honest, you were older and your eyes opened.

    • #40
  11. Skyler Coolidge
    Skyler
    @Skyler

    Flicker (View Comment):

    Woman walks into bar. Sits next to man. Seeing gun in pocket. Saying you KGB or happy seeing me?

    BANG! Was KGB.

    Okay, that was a good one, especially the syntax.

    • #41
  12. kedavis Coolidge
    kedavis
    @kedavis

    Skyler (View Comment):

    Flicker (View Comment):

    Woman walks into bar. Sits next to man. Seeing gun in pocket. Saying you KGB or happy seeing me?

    BANG! Was KGB.

    Okay, that was a good one, especially the syntax.

    Yeah, and I wish I could think of a “In Soviet Russia…” version.

    • #42
  13. iWe Coolidge
    iWe
    @iWe

    A man is drowning 50 yards off shore.

    The Democrat throws 100 yards of line, drops his end, and walks away.

    The Republican throws 25 yards of line (even a drowning man has to learn to save himself)

    The Physicist looks at the line, the man, says, “it is trivial!”, drops the line and walks away

    The Engineer is still working on his Risk Registry when the man drowns

    The lawyer saves the man, but overbills him for the time

    The Historian waits to see who will save the man.

    The Journalist takes pictures of the drowning man

    write your own!

    • #43
  14. Bishop Wash Member
    Bishop Wash
    @BishopWash

    Skyler (View Comment):

    Flicker (View Comment):

    Woman walks into bar. Sits next to man. Seeing gun in pocket. Saying you KGB or happy seeing me?

    BANG! Was KGB.

    Okay, that was a good one, especially the syntax.

    I’m veering off topic but that’s similar to a parody of the “Signs” song I like.

    “And the sign says, anyone caught trespassing will be shot on sight.
    So, I jumped over the fence and BLAM! BLAM! BLAM!”

    • #44
  15. davenr321 Coolidge
    davenr321
    @davenr321

    Most of my career was as a structural engineer. However, people always interrupted at work! Every other second, some clown asked me, “hey, got a moment…?”

    then there was the supplier who managed to sell us defective threaded fasteners, “yeah,” said the procurement officer, “his pitch was right.”

    Don’t forget to tip the bartender, folks!

    • #45
  16. Skyler Coolidge
    Skyler
    @Skyler

    davenr321 (View Comment):

    Most of my career was as a structural engineer. However, people always interrupted at work! Every other second, some clown asked me, “hey, got a moment…?”

    then there was the supplier who managed to sell us defective threaded fasteners, “yeah,” said the procurement officer, “his pitch was right.”

    Don’t forget to tip the bartender, folks!

    Good ones.  

     

    • #46
  17. Vance Richards Member
    Vance Richards
    @VanceRichards

    My roommate is a computer programmer and asked me if I wanted anything from the supermarket.

    I said, “Get me a loaf of bread, and if they have bananas, get four.”

    He came back from the store and handed me four loaves of bread. I asked him, “Why did you get four loaves of bread?”

    He answered, ” Because they had bananas.”

    • #47
  18. Oberndorf Member
    Oberndorf
    @Oberndorf

    Three engineers, a mechanical engineer, an electrical engineer, and a biomedical engineer were discussing what kind of engineer God was when designing the human body.

    The MechE said, “It’s obvious that God was a mechanical engineer. Look at the elaborate system of muscles and counterbalances, the elegance of the musculature to create smooth, efficient motion, strength and flexibility.”

    The EE retorted that, “God is clearly an electrical engineer. All those muscles are controlled by electrical actuation, the heart and bowels are electrically controlled, and the brain is an enormous chipset.”

    They both looked at the BME expectantly, who shrugged. “Don’t look at me. God’s clearly a civil engineer. Who else would put a toxic waste pipe through a recreational area?”

     

    A surgeon knows nothing but does everything. An internist knows everything but does nothing. A pathologist knows everything and does everything – a week too late to make a difference.

    • #48
  19. Stad Coolidge
    Stad
    @Stad

    Oberndorf (View Comment):

    Three engineers, a mechanical engineer, an electrical engineer, and a biomedical engineer were discussing what kind of engineer God was when designing the human body.

    The MechE said, “It’s obvious that God was a mechanical engineer. Look at the elaborate system of muscles and counterbalances, the elegance of the musculature to create smooth, efficient motion, strength and flexibility.”

    The EE retorted that, “God is clearly an electrical engineer. All those muscles are controlled by electrical actuation, the heart and bowels are electrically controlled, and the brain is an enormous chipset.”

    They both looked at the BME expectantly, who shrugged. “Don’t look at me. God’s clearly a civil engineer. Who else would put a toxic waste pipe through a recreational area?”

     

    A surgeon knows nothing but does everything. An internist knows everything but does nothing. A pathologist knows everything and does everything – a week too late to make a difference.

    A surgeon, an astrophysicist, and a lawyer were discussing God’s profession.

    The surgeon said, “God is a surgeon.  After all, he put Adam to sleep, opened him up, and removed a rib.”

    “You got it wrong,” the astrophysicist said.  “God is an astrophysicist.  After all, he created the heavens and earth out of the chaos.”

    “Ahhhhh,” said the lawyer.  “But who created the chaos?”

     

    “Clearly God was an astropyhsicist,” the astrophysicist said.

    • #49
  20. David C. Broussard Coolidge
    David C. Broussard
    @Dbroussa

    kedavis (View Comment):

    Skyler (View Comment):

    Flicker (View Comment):

    Woman walks into bar. Sits next to man. Seeing gun in pocket. Saying you KGB or happy seeing me?

    BANG! Was KGB.

    Okay, that was a good one, especially the syntax.

    Yeah, and I wish I could think of a “In Soviet Russia…” version.

    Not quite the same, but I liked this Soviet joke:

     

    4 comrades go to a Soviet hotel for a night during a business trip…

    As they walk into their room, 3 of them, whip out some vodka, food and cigarettes and begin to make jokes about the government and be very loud indeed. The 4th one is trying to get some meaningful sleep and knowing that it would be fruitless to ask them to stop, hatches an ingenious plan.
    He goes downstairs to reception and asks for a cup of coffee to be delivered to the room.

    “Make sure you deliver it exactly after 10 minutes starting from now”

    Returning back to the room he joins his comrades midway a Stalin joke. He sits up shocked and exclaims:

    “Comrades! You must not say these things! Don’t you know? They are listening to our conversations right now!”

    The comrades jeer and laugh at him and say that that is impossible.

    “Really? Then how do you explain this?”

    He gets up and speaks into the lampshade by the beds.

    “I would like a black coffee to be delivered to my room, please.”

    And surely enough, in a short amount of time, a maid walks in with a cup of coffee and some sugar.

    The other 3 comrades turn deathly pale and quickly turn in for the night. The last comrade drinks his coffee and peacefully goes to sleep.

    Come morning the 4th comrade awakens only to find that his friends and all their belongings are missing.

    Throughly confused and anxious, the man walks down the stairs to reception to enquire whether his friends had checked out earlier in the morning.

    “I am afraid not sir. You see, the KGB raided your room during the night and placed your friends under arrest for ridiculing the Soviet regime.”

    “B-but how come they didn’t take me?!”

    “Oh, the Captain very much enjoyed your joke”

    • #50
  21. Eugene Kriegsmann Member
    Eugene Kriegsmann
    @EugeneKriegsmann

    All of these jokes about engineers brought to mind my own experience with two with whom I was going on a climbing expedition to the Wind Rivers in Wyoming. We were traveling in two cars. The engineers in the second car. One of the  rear tires on my Mitsubishi Montero came apart, essentially shredded.  A piece of the demolished tire whipped up and completely destroyed my gas tank filler system. The pieces were scattered all over the road and in the median along side the road.  Not being an engineer or anything even vaguely related to one I was totally flummoxed. They, on the other hand, were ecstatic, A PROJECT!

    They proceeded to collect all of the pieces of my disassembled gasoline filler system. They reassembled it with duct tape. It leaked when I was driving, and I felt like I was driving a rolling Molotov Cocktail, but it got me all the way back to Seattle, a distance of nearly 1000 miles. Parts for a Mitsubishi were not available in that part of the world, Ford or Chevy only.

    Even back home it took two weeks to get the parts necessary to replace the system. You can make jokes about engineers. They deserve them, no doubt. But I would never want to go back to a world where they don’t exist.

    • #51
  22. psmith Coolidge
    psmith
    @psmith

    Vance Richards (View Comment):

    My roommate is a computer programmer and asked me if I wanted anything from the supermarket.

    I said, “Get me a loaf of bread, and if they have bananas, get four.”

    He came back from the store and handed me four loaves of bread. I asked him, “Why did you get four loaves of bread?”

    He answered, ” Because they had bananas.”

    Made me laugh.

    • #52
  23. Eustace C. Scrubb Member
    Eustace C. Scrubb
    @EustaceCScrubb

    No one laughs like accountants (of which I am not one):

    • #53
  24. Django Member
    Django
    @Django

    “utter social ineptitude”. LoL. A woman I knew who looked like the actress Jennifer Esposito got a job on a project called Gravity Probe B. After a few weeks, I saw her and asked how it was going. She replied, “Now I think I know what really caused those guy’s carpal tunnel.”

    • #54
  25. Matt Harris Member
    Matt Harris
    @MattHarris

    Django (View Comment):
    The guy appears in deep thought and the genie is getting impatient. He wants the third wish, and after a pause, the guy says, “OK, I want you to beat me half to death.

    Dave Allen used something along the lines of – “I want you to cut my sexual potency by 50%”.

    • #55
  26. kedavis Coolidge
    kedavis
    @kedavis

    Matt Harris (View Comment):

    Django (View Comment):
    The guy appears in deep thought and the genie is getting impatient. He wants the third wish, and after a pause, the guy says, “OK, I want you to beat me half to death.

    Dave Allen used something along the lines of – “I want you to cut my sexual potency by 50%”.

    Naw, that sounds permanent.

    • #56
  27. Internet's Hank Contributor
    Internet's Hank
    @HankRhody

    Vance Richards (View Comment):

    My roommate is a computer programmer and asked me if I wanted anything from the supermarket.

    I said, “Get me a loaf of bread, and if they have bananas, get four.”

    He came back from the store and handed me four loaves of bread. I asked him, “Why did you get four loaves of bread?”

    He answered, ” Because they had bananas.”

    “You’re not listening. Go to the store and pick up four bananas.”

    And they never saw him again.

    • #57
  28. kedavis Coolidge
    kedavis
    @kedavis

    Internet's Hank (View Comment):

    Vance Richards (View Comment):

    My roommate is a computer programmer and asked me if I wanted anything from the supermarket.

    I said, “Get me a loaf of bread, and if they have bananas, get four.”

    He came back from the store and handed me four loaves of bread. I asked him, “Why did you get four loaves of bread?”

    He answered, ” Because they had bananas.”

    “You’re not listening. Go to the store and pick up four bananas.”

    And they never saw him again.

    Because they didn’t include the part about coming back with them?

    • #58
  29. Django Member
    Django
    @Django

    Internet's Hank (View Comment):

    Vance Richards (View Comment):

    My roommate is a computer programmer and asked me if I wanted anything from the supermarket.

    I said, “Get me a loaf of bread, and if they have bananas, get four.”

    He came back from the store and handed me four loaves of bread. I asked him, “Why did you get four loaves of bread?”

    He answered, ” Because they had bananas.”

    “You’re not listening. Go to the store and pick up four bananas.”

    And they never saw him again.

    lather; rinse; repeat 

    • #59
  30. kedavis Coolidge
    kedavis
    @kedavis

    Django (View Comment):

    Internet’s Hank (View Comment):

    Vance Richards (View Comment):

    My roommate is a computer programmer and asked me if I wanted anything from the supermarket.

    I said, “Get me a loaf of bread, and if they have bananas, get four.”

    He came back from the store and handed me four loaves of bread. I asked him, “Why did you get four loaves of bread?”

    He answered, ” Because they had bananas.”

    “You’re not listening. Go to the store and pick up four bananas.”

    And they never saw him again.

    lather; rinse; repeat

    • #60
Become a member to join the conversation. Or sign in if you're already a member.