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From My Cold, Dead, but Still Shaking Hands
“Belief” in “climate change” is a signifier of a vast raft of opinions and stances. Those who “deny” are guilty of ecocide, the primary sin of our time. It supersedes all other sins, because it is existential murder of the broadest sense.
The issue at hand is a Canadian study – of course – advising that people should drink less coffee to combat climate change.
Canadian researchers analyzed coffee’s “contribution to climate change” in a piece published in early January and suggested people moderate their consumption of the popular drink as a part of the solution.
Researchers Luciano Rodrigues Viana, Charles Marty, Jean-François Boucher and Pierre-Luc Dessureault wrote in an analysis published in The Conversation that pollution from preparing coffee was “just the tip of the iceberg.”
“Limiting your contribution to climate change requires an adapted diet, and coffee is no exception. Choosing a mode of coffee preparation that emits less GHGs (greenhouse gases) and moderating your consumption are part of the solution,” the researchers at the University of Quebec at Chicoutimi wrote.
Naturally, people on Twitter responded with pledges to drink more coffee, and that made the perpetually-concerned steam up like a good macchina. It gave them something to be Mad About Online, but it also puts them in a difficult position: knowing this, how can they drink coffee now?
Well, they can drink less! We all have to make sacrifices. Okay, good – but that’s a start, right? You’re going to taper down to nothing, right? Because if coffee contributes to the problem, then the elimination of the coffee trade would go a long way toward solving the problem. So there are two things we need to talk about.
- Heavy taxes on coffee. I mean, heavy. That five-dollar Americano ought to be ten. The extra money can go into a fund that helps other nations transition away from coffee production. Juan Valdez can learn to code! This legislative push should include regulations that discourage new coffee shops, which will confine coffee sales to the large chains that can augment the loss of coffee revenue with other products.
- Transition to coffee substitutes. Chicory and mushroom powder, with added protein from insects, would be healthier and more sustainable. The chains would have the resources to scale up demand, and transition the population to non-harm beverages.
- You need to make your friends and family aware of the global harm caused by coffee. Start with a suggestion – say, did you know that Canadian science says coffee is a contributor to climate change? and see if they change their habits of their own accord. If not, confront them when they serve coffee, and ask why they’re unwilling to take this small step to save the climate. If they continue, decline to visit their home and cut off social contact, because maybe if it’s a choice between coffee and seeing their grandchildren, they’ll come around.
People who have a taste for direct action should consider the following:
Sit-ins at school canteens until everyone is aware of the deleterious effects of coffee production. This may include occupying the kitchen, and adulterating the coffee urns with unpleasant-tasting fluids. This should coincide with educational sessions about the colonialist history of coffee production; how the creamery industry uses white supremacism to occupy the body of Black cups of coffee; how sugared coffee surfaces the trauma of industrialized imperialism in the tropics. Note: this will only be effective in institutions of higher learning, or people who have been instructed at these places.
The difficulty inherent in this process is that the people most likely to agree, i.e., the highly educated, will be the most likely to be working at the place where coffee is solved, adding “false consciousness” to the problems we must overcome.
Putting pressure on Starbucks and Dunkin’ Donuts with protests, including blocking the sidewalk, gluing the locks of doors, and defacement of the paintings and posters inside the stores. Coffee houses have been normalized as societally acceptable, but once they are redefined as spaces where people have to confront the consequences of their choices, they will be seen as dens of iniquity. This will also compel the chains to transition more swiftly to sustainable beverages.
Anyone who does not endorse the ideas above is directly contributing to the death of the planet, and should be treated accordingly. This is an emergency, and there is no time for half-and-half measures.Published in Science & Technology
Do the folks who continually find things to be Mad About Online wear MAO jackets? It would make a nice uniform.
No caffeine, no peace
Leaning towards the hat trick myself . . .
The first one escaped the chopping block. 2 out 3?
I worked at Green Mountain Coffee Roasters for a while, toured the roasting facilities in a couple of their locations. If only the climate activists knew coffee roasting required energy, and factories required lighting, plumbing, HVAC, and those damn people (ignoring the eco-horror of K-Cups), well, they’d waddle over to the nearest factory and get confused at the gate.
Freshly roasted beans from any source is a revelation. We bought some from a tiny shop in Costa Rica on vacation, just to try them, and they were fantastic.
I’m picturing a half-smoked butt being flicked in my face here at a random traffic stop.
But let’s face it. I deserve it.
The first one got it in the neck, thus setting the precedent . . .