From My Cold, Dead, but Still Shaking Hands

 

“Belief” in “climate change” is a signifier of a vast raft of opinions and stances. Those who “deny” are guilty of ecocide, the primary sin of our time. It supersedes all other sins, because it is existential murder of the broadest sense.

The issue at hand is a Canadian study – of course – advising that people should drink less coffee to combat climate change. 

Canadian researchers analyzed coffee’s “contribution to climate change” in a piece published in early January and suggested people moderate their consumption of the popular drink as a part of the solution.

Researchers Luciano Rodrigues Viana, Charles Marty, Jean-François Boucher and Pierre-Luc Dessureault wrote in an analysis published in The Conversation that pollution from preparing coffee was “just the tip of the iceberg.”

“Limiting your contribution to climate change requires an adapted diet, and coffee is no exception. Choosing a mode of coffee preparation that emits less GHGs (greenhouse gases) and moderating your consumption are part of the solution,” the researchers at the University of Quebec at Chicoutimi wrote.

Naturally, people on Twitter responded with pledges to drink more coffee, and that made the perpetually-concerned steam up like a good macchina.  It gave them something to be Mad About Online, but it also puts them in a difficult position: knowing this, how can they drink coffee now?

Well, they can drink less! We all have to make sacrifices. Okay, good – but that’s a start, right? You’re going to taper down to nothing, right? Because if coffee contributes to the problem, then the elimination of the coffee trade would go a long way toward solving the problem. So there are two things we need to talk about.

  1. Heavy taxes on coffee. I mean, heavy. That five-dollar Americano ought to be ten. The extra money can go into a fund that helps other nations transition away from coffee production. Juan Valdez can learn to code! This legislative push should include regulations that discourage new coffee shops, which will confine coffee sales to the large chains that can augment the loss of coffee revenue with other products.
  2. Transition to coffee substitutes. Chicory and mushroom powder, with added protein from insects, would be healthier and more sustainable. The chains would have the resources to scale up demand, and transition the population to non-harm beverages.
  3. You need to make your friends and family aware of the global harm caused by coffee. Start with a suggestion – say, did you know that Canadian science says coffee is a contributor to climate change? and see if they change their habits of their own accord. If not, confront them when they serve coffee, and ask why they’re unwilling to take this small step to save the climate. If they continue, decline to visit their home and cut off social contact, because maybe if it’s a choice between coffee and seeing their grandchildren, they’ll come around.

People who have a taste for direct action should consider the following:

Sit-ins at school canteens until everyone is aware of the deleterious effects of coffee production. This may include occupying the kitchen, and adulterating the coffee urns with unpleasant-tasting fluids. This should coincide with educational sessions about the colonialist history of coffee production;  how the creamery industry uses white supremacism to occupy the body of Black cups of coffee; how sugared coffee surfaces the trauma of industrialized imperialism in the tropics. Note: this will only be effective in institutions of higher learning, or people who have been instructed at these places. 

The difficulty inherent in this process is that the people most likely to agree, i.e., the highly educated, will be the most likely to be working at the place where coffee is solved, adding “false consciousness” to the problems we must overcome.

Putting pressure on Starbucks and Dunkin’ Donuts with protests, including blocking the sidewalk, gluing the locks of doors, and defacement of the paintings and posters inside the stores. Coffee houses have been normalized as societally acceptable, but once they are redefined as spaces where people have to confront the consequences of their choices, they will be seen as dens of iniquity. This will also compel the chains to transition more swiftly to sustainable beverages.

Anyone who does not endorse the ideas above is directly contributing to the death of the planet, and should be treated accordingly. This is an emergency, and there is no time for half-and-half measures.

Published in Science & Technology
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  1. Patrick McClure Coolidge
    Patrick McClure
    @Patrickb63

    Please stop giving them ideas.  These are the same people who think “A Modest Proposal” will combat overpopulation and food shortages.

    • #1
  2. Front Seat Cat Member
    Front Seat Cat
    @FrontSeatCat

    Published under Science and Technology? It should be under Humor / Hoaxes……How about a round of mochachinos?

    • #2
  3. Scott Wilmot Member
    Scott Wilmot
    @ScottWilmot

    Idiocy is in abundance today.

    • #3
  4. Percival Thatcher
    Percival
    @Percival

    James Lileks:

    The issue at hand is a Canadian study – of course – advising that people should drink less coffee to combat climate change.

    The last period of glaciation hereabouts lasted from about 25,000 years ago until about 12,000 years ago. This wasn’t the first time it happened; it was at least the fourth. Things get hazy before 1,600,000 years. Ice about one mile thick retreated and nobody had to quit burning their leaves or drinking their coffee.

    Naturally, people on Twitter responded with pledges to drink more coffee, and that made the perpetually-concerned steam up like a good macchina.  It gave them something to be Mad About Online, but it also puts them in a difficult position: knowing this, how can they drink coffee now?

    With small, appreciative sips.

    • #4
  5. colleenb Member
    colleenb
    @colleenb

    Brilliant James. Seriously I wonder whether people have any idea the type of life they will be living under the climate crisis crowd. 

    • #5
  6. Derek Tyburczyk Lincoln
    Derek Tyburczyk
    @Derek Tyburczyk

    Climate Change Inc. The nefarious, insidious, malevolent, juggernaut. I’ve literally spent several years reading Watts Up With That, and other climate skeptic websites.

    It’s ironic that the climate change alarmists, will call anyone with skepticism a denier. But who is truly in denial? Any Theory such as this, that doesn’t allow refutation, or dialectical discussion, SHOULD be met with great skepticism.

    When you use a phrase like climate change, that is intentionally vague, and ethereal, then literally anything that you want to attribute to this premise is fair game. What next? Coffee Mate?

    • #6
  7. Miffed White Male Member
    Miffed White Male
    @MiffedWhiteMale

    James Lileks: This may include occupying the kitchen, and adulterating the coffee urns with unpleasant-tasting fluids.

    Speaking as a non-coffee drinker, I’d suggest that someone already does…

     

    • #7
  8. Joker Member
    Joker
    @Joker

    This makes me think we’ve hit peak climate change research. Way too much money sloshing around to develop theories that make us feel guilty and ashamed of ourselves just for living our lives.

    Ever notice that there’s no climate change objective? There’s no point at which society has adjusted enough to make them shut up and leave us alone. Is there any harm to the planet that is too slight to worry about?

    They’ve fully transitioned from scientific endeavor to religion.

    • #8
  9. GLDIII Purveyor of Splendid Malpropisms Reagan
    GLDIII Purveyor of Splendid Malpropisms
    @GLDIII

    James,

    I know you well enough that I can understand this is a humor piece, but it comes across so seriously that many might not know your real feelings (because we all know it is about the “feelings”.

    Perhaps you should knock off the coffee till you dull that edge in your sarcasm reflex.

    • #9
  10. Full Size Tabby Member
    Full Size Tabby
    @FullSizeTabby

    Joker (View Comment):

    This makes me think we’ve hit peak climate change research. Way too much money sloshing around to develop theories that make us feel guilty and ashamed of ourselves just for living our lives.

    Ever notice that there’s no climate change objective? There’s no point at which society has adjusted enough to make them shut up and leave us alone. Is there any harm to the planet that is too slight to worry about?

    They’ve fully transitioned from scientific endeavor to religion.

    Yes. When you’re down to claiming a beverage is going to affect the enormous and enormously complex system that is global climate, you are clearly beyond reason. 

    • #10
  11. MiMac Thatcher
    MiMac
    @MiMac

    Thankfully,  ve have vays of making the ersatz coffee……from our experience under Der Fuhrer (hand involuntarily raises).

    If they ban coffee buy Post stock-they are ready with Postum-others make it & sell it on Amazon.

     

    You can be sure, that like the gas stoves, while the hoi polloi drink some mix of ground nuts, John Kerry et al will still have real coffee available in their lear jet.

    • #11
  12. Basil Fawlty Member
    Basil Fawlty
    @BasilFawlty

    I once asked the Red Crab Juicy Seafood chain why they prohibited their restaurants from serving coffee. They said it was because no one ever ordered it.

    • #12
  13. Percival Thatcher
    Percival
    @Percival

    • #13
  14. Randy Weivoda Moderator
    Randy Weivoda
    @RandyWeivoda

    James Lileks: Coffee houses have been normalized as societally acceptable, but once they are redefined as spaces where people have to confront the consequences of their choices, they will be seen as dens of iniquity.

    A few centuries ago in Europe coffeehouses were looked down upon, but not because of the coffee itself.  It’s because people from all walks of life got together and talked to each other, spreading ideas and gossip.

    • #14
  15. DaveSchmidt Coolidge
    DaveSchmidt
    @DaveSchmidt

    Joker (View Comment):

    They’ve fully transitioned from scientific endeavor to religion.

    Nice word choice.  

    • #15
  16. DaveSchmidt Coolidge
    DaveSchmidt
    @DaveSchmidt

    Do they serve coffee at the Davos Conference?  

    • #16
  17. Stad Coolidge
    Stad
    @Stad

    So, Jon Gabriel is single-handedly destroying the planet?

    • #17
  18. Percival Thatcher
    Percival
    @Percival

    Stad (View Comment):
    minutes

    Et tu, Stad!

    • #18
  19. Douglas Pratt Coolidge
    Douglas Pratt
    @DouglasPratt

    Obligatory book plug. It’s got coffee, globalism, and entire societies being wiped out by a disease spread by evil colonialism…a three-fer! PM me for a free copy of the audiobook.

    I saw the original news articles and was going to start a thread on the subject, but James did it better than I ever could, so I’ll just ride on his coattails. Thank you, sir. I’d love to make coffee for you some day.

    • #19
  20. Western Chauvinist Member
    Western Chauvinist
    @WesternChauvinist

    I’m against Big Coffee. In fact, I’m against Big anything — Big Retail, Big Tech, Big Government. . . 

    But, I can’t help noticing that coffee is grown in the tropics which happens to be the Big Engine of — wait for it — Big Photosynthesis! Converting that tragically misunderstood and mislabeled-as-a-pollutant trace atmospheric gas, CO2, into that other all important and life-sustaining gas, Big Oxygen!

    These people aren’t scientists. They’re not even gardeners (talk to your plants because they appreciate your exhaled CO2). They’re cultists. 

    Oh, wait, I misspelled “neo-Marxists.” 

    • #20
  21. The Reticulator Member
    The Reticulator
    @TheReticulator

    James Lileks: and ask why they’re unwilling to take this small step to save the climate.

    Save the Climate! Short and ambiguous. Suitable for a bumper sticker.

    It can go alongside Make the Climate Great Again.

    I need a bigger bumper.

     

    • #21
  22. Western Chauvinist Member
    Western Chauvinist
    @WesternChauvinist

    Miffed White Male (View Comment):

    James Lileks: This may include occupying the kitchen, and adulterating the coffee urns with unpleasant-tasting fluids.

    Speaking as a non-coffee drinker, I’d suggest that someone already does…

     

    I meant to say James is barking up the wrong (tea) tree with some of us, but I will defend his right to imbibe that distasteful, bitter brew with my last breath — or until they come after my tea, and then I’ll be too busy. 

    • #22
  23. JimGoneWild Coolidge
    JimGoneWild
    @JimGoneWild

    James, you should be in Davos.

    • #23
  24. Douglas Pratt Coolidge
    Douglas Pratt
    @DouglasPratt

    Miffed White Male (View Comment):

    James Lileks: This may include occupying the kitchen, and adulterating the coffee urns with unpleasant-tasting fluids.

    Speaking as a non-coffee drinker, I’d suggest that someone already does…

     

    Unlike the climatistas, I can disagree with you and still respect you. Diversity means being inclusive of all caffeine-delivery systems.

    • #24
  25. Phil Turmel Coolidge
    Phil Turmel
    @PhilTurmel

    I never patronize Starbucks.  Partly because of the politics, but also because they can’t seem to not overroast their beans.  Even when claiming a light or medium roast.  Blegh.  Terrible coffee.

    But this makes me want to step in and buy an Americano while proclaiming loudly how I love ruining the planet by drinking coffee.  Might switch it up and proclaim loudly how I hate myself for ruining the planet by drinking coffee.

    Not sure which would produce more cognitive dissonance in the wokists who inhabit Starbucks.

    • #25
  26. J Ro Member
    J Ro
    @JRo

    Another coffee, please! I’m Greener Than Gore!™

    • #26
  27. Dotorimuk Coolidge
    Dotorimuk
    @Dotorimuk

    I only drink cold brew, so my dead hands will be a smidge colder…

    By the way, if you take away my coffee, can I take away your marijuana? I haven’t heard those dang green hippies talking about the effects of large scale pot farms on the environment.

    • #27
  28. Phil Turmel Coolidge
    Phil Turmel
    @PhilTurmel

    Dotorimuk (View Comment):

    I only drink cold brew, so my dead hands will be a smidge colder…

    By the way, if you take away my coffee, can I take away your marijuana? I haven’t heard those dang green hippies talking about the effects of large scale pot farms on the environment.

    Or the excessive energy consumption of grow lights in basements.  Hypocrisy knows no bounds.

    • #28
  29. Percival Thatcher
    Percival
    @Percival

    Phil Turmel (View Comment):

    I never patronize Starbucks. Partly because of the politics, but also because they can’t seem to not overroast their beans. Even when claiming a light or medium roast. Blegh. Terrible coffee.

    But this makes me want to step in and buy an Americano while proclaiming loudly how I love ruining the planet by drinking coffee. Might switch it up and proclaim loudly how I hate myself for ruining the planet by drinking coffee.

    Not sure which would produce more cognitive dissonance in the wokists who inhabit Starbucks.

    Ordering is always an ordeal.

    “Large black coffee.”

    “Do you mean a venti Caffè Americano?”

    “Large. Black. Coffee.”

    Don’t make me come back there and get it myself.

    • #29
  30. Bob Thompson Member
    Bob Thompson
    @BobThompson

    Randy Weivoda (View Comment):

    James Lileks: Coffee houses have been normalized as societally acceptable, but once they are redefined as spaces where people have to confront the consequences of their choices, they will be seen as dens of iniquity.

    A few centuries ago in Europe coffeehouses were looked down upon, but not because of the coffee itself. It’s because people from all walks of life got together and talked to each other, spreading ideas and gossip.

    I’m a member of the LDS community and I get scolded when I suggest there were very good and legitimate reasons that coffee, along with alcoholic beverages, was on the prohibited list in the Word of Wisdom presented to Church members by Joseph Smith. Coffee houses along with bars are where people engage most liberally in freedom of speech and often new ideas emerge and are developed. It also is a likely source of leading people away from their religious beliefs, as has been pointed out here when discussing the effects of the enlightenment. Maybe internet needs to be added.

    Are these venues not locations having major influences on culture changes along with public education?

    • #30
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