Former Energy Official Lands Job as Baggage Handler

 

Sam Brinton, the disgraced Department of Energy official fired for serial theft of luggage and not for being non-binary, has found new employment at Washington, D.C.’s Dulles International Airport. “At Dulles, diversity is our strength,” said the airport’s Operations Director, Mike Stewart.

Upon hiring Brinton, airport management and the Service Employees International Union quickly renegotiated their collective bargaining agreement, creating a carve-out for Brinton against rules that prohibit high heels and long dresses from being worn in the workplace. (The attire prohibitions still apply to cis-gendered female employees.)

According to Brinton, whose pronouns are they/them, he is enjoying his exciting new career path. “The pace can be frantic for sure,” he said, adding that “Sometimes I can hardly steal a moment for myself.”

The engaged Brinton arrives at his new job just as Dulles is experiencing a marked surge in missing luggage, bringing greater pressure to the job. “Secretary of Transportation Buttigieg is doing a tremendous job on that front, I can tell you” he said as he attempted to extricate the train of his wedding gown from the conveyer belt before it swallowed him alive while also endangering others.

According to shift forewoman Stephanie Grouser, “Sam has his sights set on becoming an airline pilot, where he’d bring a lot of diversity.” In the US, female pilots currently outnumber non-binary ones by a ratio of more than 29,000-to-zero.

Published in Humor
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There are 16 comments.

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  1. Steven Seward Member
    Steven Seward
    @StevenSeward

    I would laugh more if this weren’t just so bloody creepy!

    • #1
  2. Charlotte Member
    Charlotte
    @Charlotte

    David Deeble: According to Brinton, whose pronouns are they/them, he is enjoying his exciting new career path.

    😂😂😂

    • #2
  3. Arahant Member
    Arahant
    @Arahant

    Deeble, Deeble, Deeble! Fine job.

    • #3
  4. Vance Richards Member
    Vance Richards
    @VanceRichards

    David Deeble: According to Brinton, whose pronouns are they/them, he is enjoying his exciting new career path.

    That made me laugh

    • #4
  5. Stad Coolidge
    Stad
    @Stad

    Too funny!  But what a creepy guy . . .

    • #5
  6. David Deeble Member
    David Deeble
    @DavidDeeble

    As of yesterday I’m no longer submitting to the Bee but I nstead have decided to “choose myself,” as the kids say. So I appreciate everybody’s support.

    • #6
  7. Charlotte Member
    Charlotte
    @Charlotte

    David Deeble (View Comment):
    I nstead have decided to “choose myself,” as the kids say

    Do they really say that??

    Jesus. 

    • #7
  8. Percival Thatcher
    Percival
    @Percival

    Outstanding, David!

    • #8
  9. Steven Seward Member
    Steven Seward
    @StevenSeward

    David Deeble (View Comment):

    As of yesterday I’m no longer submitting to the Bee but I instead have decided to “choose myself,” as the kids say. So I appreciate everybody’s support.

    I don’t know what that means.

    • #9
  10. David Deeble Member
    David Deeble
    @DavidDeeble

    Steven Seward (View Comment):

    David Deeble (View Comment):

    As of yesterday I’m no longer submitting to the Bee but I instead have decided to “choose myself,” as the kids say. So I appreciate everybody’s support.

    I don’t know what that means.

    I’m publishing my satire under my own name – here, at blog.daviddeeble.com and elsewhere instead of sending it to the Bee for them to publish under their banner.

    • #10
  11. Steven Seward Member
    Steven Seward
    @StevenSeward

    David Deeble (View Comment):

    Steven Seward (View Comment):

    David Deeble (View Comment):

    As of yesterday I’m no longer submitting to the Bee but I instead have decided to “choose myself,” as the kids say. So I appreciate everybody’s support.

    I don’t know what that means.

    I’m publishing my satire under my own name – here, at blog.daviddeeble.com and elsewhere instead of sending it to the Bee for them to publish under their banner.

    Great!  I’ll have to check it out.

    • #11
  12. Basil Fawlty Member
    Basil Fawlty
    @BasilFawlty

    David Deeble: Sam Brinton, the disgraced Department of Energy official fired for serial theft of luggage and not for being non-binary, has found new employment at Washington, D.C.’s Dulles International Airport.

    Chantilly lace and a pretty face!

    • #12
  13. Arahant Member
    Arahant
    @Arahant

    Basil Fawlty (View Comment):
    Chantilly lace and a pretty face!

    Pony tail hangin’ down. . .whoops. Maybe not.

    • #13
  14. Steven Seward Member
    Steven Seward
    @StevenSeward

    Arahant (View Comment):

    Basil Fawlty (View Comment):
    Chantilly lace and a pretty face!

    Pony tail hangin’ down. . .whoops. Maybe not.

    Stop creepin’ me out already!

    • #14
  15. Arahant Member
    Arahant
    @Arahant

    Steven Seward (View Comment):

    Arahant (View Comment):

    Basil Fawlty (View Comment):
    Chantilly lace and a pretty face!

    Pony tail hangin’ down. . .whoops. Maybe not.

    Stop creepin’ me out already!

    It’s not our fault. Did we say everyone should let their freak flags fly?

    • #15
  16. David Deeble Member
    David Deeble
    @DavidDeeble

    Sam Brinton-Fried…

    • #16
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