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Accepting Our Imperfect Selves
This was my first draft reflecting on my own insecurity . . .and then transforms into another understanding.
I think I must be one of the most insecure people on the planet. On Ricochet, we have so many articulate, confident, knowledgeable, and intelligent members that I am frequently in awe of them. Seriously. And I wonder how I can measure up to their thoughtful sharing of their ideas when it’s my turn.
You would think that after all my postings on Ricochet, I would figure out that at least some people respect me, even if they don’t like me. But old habits (or self-images) are hard to change. Lately, I’ve become keenly aware that the more positive feedback I receive, the more insecure I seem to feel. What the heck is that about?
I write this not as a self-effacement post. I’m not looking for people to praise me or my writing. It seems like I suffer more from positive feedback than I do from criticism! But here is what I’d like to learn from all of you:
Is insecurity a way to avoid working with the fact that we are all imperfect? In other words, if I’m hard on myself, am I putting my energy into a counterproductive mindset? Or should it drive me to be my best self?
I have spent years trying to accept that I will never be perfect. I learned a long time ago that perfectionism is a curse; a perfectionist demands far too much of herself and of others, and everyone ends up being miserable. Excellence is a much more practical and productive aim, and I thought I had accepted that as my goal. But now I am wondering if I’ve been fooling myself.
Ultimately, I want to be “normal,” whatever that means. I want to have a pretty clear and accurate understanding of who I am and ways that I may grow and learn. I want to accept the positive feedback I receive, and learn from the criticisms, too. And I am determined to find a way to be relatively at peace with myself. Yes, it’s about time, at the age of 73, to find that path.
So, are you willing to admit that you are insecure, at least at times and in certain areas? Have you found a way to overcome that limitation? How did you do it?
* * * *
Okay, I’ve had a while to settle down a bit, and I have quite a bit more clarity on my diatribe on insecurity, and what it might really be about.
I think that Hank Racette’s kind remarks toward me and my writing in his most recent post pushed me over the edge. So it’s all your fault, Hank.
But seriously, I think that insecurity is not what limits me; it’s my reluctance to accept my imperfect self, with all its blessings and limitations.
For example, I know I’m a decent writer, and I’m pretty well-organized. I’ve been told that I demonstrate wisdom, an assessment that I deeply treasure. I have shown patience in my comments (mostly) and curiosity, because I love to learn. I’m a fairly moral person, even if some people think I’ve been born into sin (kidding). I demonstrate a modest sense of humor, and love when people tolerate it.
On the downside, I am not always patient with myself. I’m intolerant of my aging body and the limitations of medicine to help me. I tend to make excuses and spend far too much time focusing on my maladies. And if you give me enough time, I could probably list far more self-criticisms than positive attributes. But I think I have learned an important lesson from this exercise.
I have to embrace my imperfect self—including my insecurities.
That doesn’t mean I shouldn’t keep working on correcting my faults. But at the same time, I should try to expand on my attributes. When I’m hard on myself, I can take a few moments to reflect on those assessments, but not let myself be buried in them. I can celebrate the small differences and improvements I bring to the world, and remain open to doing even more.
* * * *
In troubled times, when there are people who will denigrate, attack, and discount us and our ideas, it can be a challenge to maintain a balanced perspective, especially if we tend to demand a great deal from ourselves. All the more reason to step back, take a deep breath and reflect on the fact that ultimately, we are created in the image of G-d.
And it is enough to do the best we can, as flawed and limited as our actions may be.
Published in Culture
If we were good at this, I would be out of a job.
John Wayne said that Courage was not the absence of fear, but mounting up and heading out even though you are afraid.
To some degree, human beings are faking it. We never really reach an “adult” brain. We are adolescents playing at adults.
Hard work.
Worth it though.
I honestly and starting to think that adulthood really starts at 80.
Excellent points, Bryan! I sometimes feel as if I’m faking it, still. But I hope I get to adulthood before 80–that doesn’t leave me much time!
Works for me! Where do I sign up??
I know, right?!
When I wake up with a nightmare, when I feel anxious without an apparent cause, or in a matter where I cannot make progress at that time, I pray for peace, and peace comes. I give the matter to God and do whatever good I am able to. For perspective, I like the Davidic Psalms, full of fears and fury shared with his Lord.
As a young man, I knew that these anxieties were signals of threats overlooked or matter neglected, and they would consume my attention, steal my rest, and disturb my peace to no end. But with little fruit.
May His peace be with you all.
You call this a post?
I’ve always been fascinated by the phrase, “give the matter to G-d.” That sounds so comforting, but not necessarily what I would think to do. I ask G-d for strength to deal with stuff; I rarely ask for healing for myself, and I’m not sure why. I do pray for the welfare of others, though, and find that really helpful. And of course, Psalms are always a wonderful resource. Thanks, Sisyphus!
Psalm 71
1 In you, Lord, I have taken refuge;
let me never be put to shame.
2 In your righteousness, rescue me and deliver me;
turn your ear to me and save me.
3 Be my rock of refuge,
to which I can always go;
give the command to save me,
for you are my rock and my fortress.
4 Deliver me, my God, from the hand of the wicked,
from the grasp of those who are evil and cruel.
5 For you have been my hope, Sovereign Lord,
my confidence since my youth.
6 From birth I have relied on you;
you brought me forth from my mother’s womb.
I will ever praise you.
7 I have become a sign to many;
you are my strong refuge.
8 My mouth is filled with your praise,
declaring your splendor all day long.
9 Do not cast me away when I am old;
do not forsake me when my strength is gone.
10 For my enemies speak against me;
those who wait to kill me conspire together.
11 They say, “God has forsaken him;
pursue him and seize him,
for no one will rescue him.”
12 Do not be far from me, my God;
come quickly, God, to help me.
13 May my accusers perish in shame;
may those who want to harm me
be covered with scorn and disgrace.
14 As for me, I will always have hope;
I will praise you more and more.
15 My mouth will tell of your righteous deeds,
of your saving acts all day long—
though I know not how to relate them all.
16 I will come and proclaim your mighty acts, Sovereign Lord;
I will proclaim your righteous deeds, yours alone.
17 Since my youth, God, you have taught me,
and to this day I declare your marvelous deeds.
18 Even when I am old and gray,
do not forsake me, my God,
till I declare your power to the next generation,
your mighty acts to all who are to come.
19 Your righteousness, God, reaches to the heavens,
you who have done great things.
Who is like you, God?
20 Though you have made me see troubles,
many and bitter,
you will restore my life again;
from the depths of the earth
you will again bring me up.
21 You will increase my honor
and comfort me once more.
22 I will praise you with the harp
for your faithfulness, my God;
I will sing praise to you with the lyre,
Holy One of Israel.
23 My lips will shout for joy
when I sing praise to you—
I whom you have delivered.
24 My tongue will tell of your righteous acts
all day long,
for those who wanted to harm me
have been put to shame and confusion.
If you’re a goat, be the best goat you can be.
Sometimes he gives it right back. Sometimes you later find yourself with just the right opportunity to address it. But it’s always a partnership, and there are no coincidences.
Oh, yes! Yes indeed! That was my biggest learning from @iwe, partnering with G-d. And that applies whether we are pursuing our own healing or helping others to heal.
But coincidences? That’s something I’m not quite sure I accept. I’d be grateful if you could elaborate on it, Sisyphus.
It’s a beautiful psalm, Bryan. The two lines I’ve highlighted here truly resonate with me.
We never really stop being us, do we?
We certainly don’t, Joel. For better or for worse! But I’d like to think that most of the time it’s for the better!
Right! That reminds me of one of my favorite quotations (I don’t know from whom): “No matter where you go, there you are.”
I used to think about this a lot when I was traveling in my work to foreign “exotic” locations.
Coincidences will have to be a post to answer properly. In the meantime, consider how much work and planning a parent, with their limited mortal faculties, put into sustaining and teaching and correcting family members as needed, planning careers and parties and vacations. Now imagine an infinite all-parent with unlimited faculties. In both cases, the free will of family members can be a real problem, and serpents too. But the all-parent can work with eight billion family members easier than the mortal parent works with eight. And can work all of those relationships at the same time, as part of the same plan, where mortals stress trying to manage more than a handful of elements at a time. The game board for the infinite is the universe and everyone and everything in it. Free will is what makes it interesting and tragic and glorious. He saves none of us against our will.
Buckaroo Banzai
Fascinating! I hope you will write more on this topic!
Ricochet should let us delete our own mistakes. This is the messup. See below.
One of the best things I learned was to switch roles. The old “How would you like it if someone did that to you?” question works for both positive and negative things. If you would not look down on someone for doing X, how can it be right to look down on yourself for doing X? If you think someone else needs divine grace, how can it be that you don’t? And if the Lord is a loving father as far as the ones you pray for goes, why would He not be for you?
I know you know all this. But I do think we need to ponder it. One of my favorite stories from the Gospels is about the Roman Centurion who asks Christ to heal his sick servant. Jesus offers to go to her. The Centurion says, “Lord, I am not worthy that thou shouldst enter under my roof, but only say the word and my servant will be healed.” That line is incorporated into the Mass (with “servant” changed to “soul”) and is spoken by the whole congregation. In the original, Jesus marvelled at the Centurion’s faith. That tells me that it is good to ask for help, whether for your servant or for your own soul.
(My other favorite is, “Lord, I believe. Help me in my unbelief.” That one could be my personal mantra.)
Don’t get your hopes up too high; I’ll be 85 in 23 days and it hasn’t happened yet for me.
Jordan Peterson advises that you “treat yourself like you were someone you cared about.” I’d say that applies to praying for self healing.
A friend of mine wrote a book called “Uncommon Cliches.” In it, she observes: We never change; we just become more and more like ourselves.
Sound
If we feel insecure when receiving compliments, perhaps it’s because we doubt the sincerity of the people who give them. And maybe we don’t believe others have pure motives in complimenting us, but are instead being manipulative, and perhaps this is because we lack sincerity and are manipulative ourselves. And we might think they take us for a sucker that we should believe their compliment since we know we don’t deserve it. So maybe a lack of self-worth is at the bottom of our insecurity in this area.
The worst punishment for the psalmist is being “put to shame,” as expressed in verses 1 and 24 above. The question is whether the concept of shame is still familiar to us. What was formerly considered shameful behavior is now widely accepted and even enriching for its practitioners. The fact that there is an audience for what was once considered shameful is just so sad.
it would seem that making God a part of our daily experience is essential to being sensitive to shame.
The method I’ve adopted in dealing with those rare occasions is to just say, “Thank you for your kind words.” It seems to me that reply is always has the benefit of being accurate and honest.