When a Joke Is Essential

 

Way back in the day, my wife and I would go with friends to a nightclub that had good live music and a dance floor. It had large crowds and two small restrooms. The restrooms were just behind the entrance, where the bouncer controlled access to both the nightclub and also to the restrooms. He set the rules, and the rule was you couldn’t use the restroom unless you told him a joke that made him laugh. There was almost always a line for the restrooms.

I have very few jokes I can remember well enough to tell. My fallback joke at that time was about the guy who was in bed with another man’s wife early in the morning when he heard the garage door opener turn on.  In a panic, he climbs out the window, buck naked. Standing behind a bush in a light drizzling rain, he notices a group of men jogging. With no better option, he decides to jog along with them. All goes well for a bit. A jogger glances over at him and asks,”Do you always jog naked?”

“Yes,” he replies, “It is so invigorating.”

A few strides later, the jogger looks at him again and asks, “Do you always wear a condom?”

“No. Only when it is raining.”

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  1. Victor Tango Kilo Member
    Victor Tango Kilo
    @VtheK

    I would tell a joke about Jim Jones, but the punchline is too long. 

    • #1
  2. Concretevol Thatcher
    Concretevol
    @Concretevol

    A priest, a rabbi and a imam walk into a bar.  The bartender says “what is this, some kind of joke?”

    • #2
  3. Mark Camp Member
    Mark Camp
    @MarkCamp

    Concretevol (View Comment):

    A priest, a rabbi and a imam walk into a bar. The bartender says “what is this, some kind of joke?”

    Are you one of the new people?

    • #3
  4. Some Call Me ...Tim Coolidge
    Some Call Me ...Tim
    @SomeCallMeTim

    Two old guys are sitting on a bench in the park one morning when a dog comes up, sits down, and starts licking himself.  The first old guy says, “Boy, I wish I could do that.”  Second old guy says, “Go ahead. It’s not my dog.”

    Thank you.  I’ll be here all week.  Try the veal.

    EDITED to make it less racy.

    • #4
  5. Mark Camp Member
    Mark Camp
    @MarkCamp

    Some Call Me …Tim (View Comment):

    Two old guys are sitting on a bench in the park one morning when a dog comes up, sits down, and starts licking his b*lls. The first old guy says, “Boy, I wish I could do that.” Second old guy says, “Go ahead. It’s not my dog.”

    Thank you. I’ll be here all week. Try the veal.

    I flagged this as obscene.  I’m only commenting as a reminder to myself to check in a day or so: how well does flagging work? Also, to allow any others who might be interested to know what answer Ricochet management offers to us, their  customers.  What kind of site do they want this to turn into?

    • #5
  6. Douglas Pratt Coolidge
    Douglas Pratt
    @DouglasPratt

    People have stopped asking me to tell jokes because my favorites have such long setups. For example:

    A young anthropologist learns about something that could make her career: an Amazon tribe that has never been studied. She gets a grant, travels to Brazil, and finds an old guide who knows the tribe and will take her to them. They outfit their boats and head down the river. Finding the tribe, the old guide introduces the young anthropologist to the chieftains of the tribe, and they greet her warmly. The people are friendly, and everything seems fine, but she notices one odd thing: somewhere in the village, there are drummers keeping up a constant beat. The drums never stop. She asks the guide about them, and he says, “Drums are good. Everything is fine as long as you hear the drums.”

    Two weeks later she has completed her study and gathered her notes. She says her farewells to the friendly villagers, and she and her guide load their boats for the return trip. Suddenly, she notices that the drums have stopped; for the first time in two weeks, there is silence. “The drums have stopped!” she says to the guide. “What’s happening?” The guide turns to her with fear in his face and says,

    “Oh, no! Base solo!”

     

    • #6
  7. Gossamer Cat Coolidge
    Gossamer Cat
    @GossamerCat

    Douglas Pratt (View Comment):
    “Oh, no! Base solo!”

    Might that be “Bass solo?” or is it some kind of military reference I don’t get.

    • #7
  8. Some Call Me ...Tim Coolidge
    Some Call Me ...Tim
    @SomeCallMeTim

    Mark Camp (View Comment):

    Some Call Me …Tim (View Comment):

    Two old guys are sitting on a bench in the park one morning when a dog comes up, sits down, and starts licking his b*lls. The first old guy says, “Boy, I wish I could do that.” Second old guy says, “Go ahead. It’s not my dog.”

    Thank you. I’ll be here all week. Try the veal.

    I flagged this as obscene. I’m only commenting as a reminder to myself to check in a day or so: how well does flagging work? Also, to allow any others who might be interested to know what answer Ricochet management offers to us, their customers. What kind of site do they want this to turn into?

    Did you flag the OP?  Seems to me the jokes aren’t much different. I’m glad I didn’t write the others I had. 

    We’ll see what management says. Sorry to have offended. 

    • #8
  9. Mark Camp Member
    Mark Camp
    @MarkCamp

    Some Call Me …Tim (View Comment):

    Sorry to have offended.

    No problem, Tim!

    The wonderful, beautiful world American and Western history gave us is in chaos right now, and you and I are being tossed around by it. A world where the rules that produced the gift have been rejected and spat upon by us who were only too happy to consume those gifts. We will work out a solution together once we learn how we’ve been deceived.

    • #9
  10. Percival Thatcher
    Percival
    @Percival

    Douglas Pratt (View Comment):

    People have stopped asking me to tell jokes because my favorites have such long setups. For example:

    A young anthropologist learns about something that could make her career: an Amazon tribe that has never been studied. She gets a grant, travels to Brazil, and finds an old guide who knows the tribe and will take her to them. They outfit their boats and head down the river. Finding the tribe, the old guide introduces the young anthropologist to the chieftains of the tribe, and they greet her warmly. The people are friendly, and everything seems fine, but she notices one odd thing: somewhere in the village, there are drummers keeping up a constant beat. The drums never stop. She asks the guide about them, and he says, “Drums are good. Everything is fine as long as you hear the drums.”

    Two weeks later she has completed her study and gathered her notes. She says her farewells to the friendly villagers, and she and her guide load their boats for the return trip. Suddenly, she notices that the drums have stopped; for the first time in two weeks, there is silence. “The drums have stopped!” she says to the guide. “What’s happening?” The guide turns to her with fear in his face and says,

    “Oh, no! Base solo!”

     

    Saxophone section soli!


    What’s the difference between a lawnmower and a saxophone?

    You can tune a lawnmower.

    • #10
  11. Percival Thatcher
    Percival
    @Percival

    How do you get a trombone player off of your front porch?

    Pay him for the pizza.


    What do you call a trombone player who just broke up with his girlfriend?

    Homeless.

    • #11
  12. Randy Weivoda Moderator
    Randy Weivoda
    @RandyWeivoda

    Mark Camp (View Comment):

    Some Call Me …Tim (View Comment):

    Two old guys are sitting on a bench in the park one morning when a dog comes up, sits down, and starts licking his b*lls. The first old guy says, “Boy, I wish I could do that.” Second old guy says, “Go ahead. It’s not my dog.”

    Thank you. I’ll be here all week. Try the veal.

    I flagged this as obscene. I’m only commenting as a reminder to myself to check in a day or so: how well does flagging work? Also, to allow any others who might be interested to know what answer Ricochet management offers to us, their customers. What kind of site do they want this to turn into?

    I’m thinking that Ricochet co-founder Rob Long would say, “Eh, it’s OK.”

    • #12
  13. Douglas Pratt Coolidge
    Douglas Pratt
    @DouglasPratt

    Gossamer Cat (View Comment):

    Douglas Pratt (View Comment):
    “Oh, no! Base solo!”

    Might that be “Bass solo?” or is it some kind of military reference I don’t get.

    Base guitar.

    • #13
  14. Percival Thatcher
    Percival
    @Percival

    Douglas Pratt (View Comment):

    Gossamer Cat (View Comment):

    Douglas Pratt (View Comment):
    “Oh, no! Base solo!”

    Might that be “Bass solo?” or is it some kind of military reference I don’t get.

    Base guitar.

    Army base

    Bass guitar

    Largemouth bass

    Sometimes I write them out and they just don’t look right.

    • #14
  15. Stad Coolidge
    Stad
    @Stad

    Percival (View Comment):

    How do you get a trombone player off of your front porch?

    Pay him for the pizza.


    What do you call a trombone player who just broke up with his girlfriend?

    Homeless.

    • #15
  16. Stad Coolidge
    Stad
    @Stad

    Randy Weivoda (View Comment):

    Mark Camp (View Comment):

    Some Call Me …Tim (View Comment):

    Two old guys are sitting on a bench in the park one morning when a dog comes up, sits down, and starts licking his b*lls. The first old guy says, “Boy, I wish I could do that.” Second old guy says, “Go ahead. It’s not my dog.”

    Thank you. I’ll be here all week. Try the veal.

    I flagged this as obscene. I’m only commenting as a reminder to myself to check in a day or so: how well does flagging work? Also, to allow any others who might be interested to know what answer Ricochet management offers to us, their customers. What kind of site do they want this to turn into?

    I’m thinking that Ricochet co-founder Rob Long would say, “Eh, it’s OK.”

    Perhaps if he had used “t*st*cl*s” instead, it would have been okay?

    • #16
  17. Some Call Me ...Tim Coolidge
    Some Call Me ...Tim
    @SomeCallMeTim

    Stad (View Comment):

    Randy Weivoda (View Comment):

    Mark Camp (View Comment):

    Some Call Me …Tim (View Comment):

    Two old guys are sitting on a bench in the park one morning when a dog comes up, sits down, and starts licking his b*lls. The first old guy says, “Boy, I wish I could do that.” Second old guy says, “Go ahead. It’s not my dog.”

    Thank you. I’ll be here all week. Try the veal.

    I flagged this as obscene. I’m only commenting as a reminder to myself to check in a day or so: how well does flagging work? Also, to allow any others who might be interested to know what answer Ricochet management offers to us, their customers. What kind of site do they want this to turn into?

    I’m thinking that Ricochet co-founder Rob Long would say, “Eh, it’s OK.”

    Perhaps if he had used “t*st*cl*s” instead, it would have been okay?

    No.  Testicles is an ancient Greek philosopher and has nothing to do with the joke.  

    • #17
  18. Stad Coolidge
    Stad
    @Stad

    Some Call Me …Tim (View Comment):

    Stad (View Comment):

    Randy Weivoda (View Comment):

    Mark Camp (View Comment):

    Some Call Me …Tim (View Comment):

    Two old guys are sitting on a bench in the park one morning when a dog comes up, sits down, and starts licking his b*lls. The first old guy says, “Boy, I wish I could do that.” Second old guy says, “Go ahead. It’s not my dog.”

    Thank you. I’ll be here all week. Try the veal.

    I flagged this as obscene. I’m only commenting as a reminder to myself to check in a day or so: how well does flagging work? Also, to allow any others who might be interested to know what answer Ricochet management offers to us, their customers. What kind of site do they want this to turn into?

    I’m thinking that Ricochet co-founder Rob Long would say, “Eh, it’s OK.”

    Perhaps if he had used “t*st*cl*s” instead, it would have been okay?

    No. Testicles is an ancient Greek philosopher and has nothing to do with the joke.

    Perhaps SCM Tim was referring to that demon, Ballszebub . . .

    • #18
  19. Doctor Robert Member
    Doctor Robert
    @DoctorRobert

    Stad (View Comment):

    Some Call Me …Tim (View Comment):

    Stad (View Comment):

    Randy Weivoda (View Comment):

    Mark Camp (View Comment):

    Some Call Me …Tim (View Comment):

    Two old guys are sitting on a bench in the park one morning when a dog comes up, sits down, and starts licking his b*lls. The first old guy says, “Boy, I wish I could do that.” Second old guy says, “Go ahead. It’s not my dog.”

    Thank you. I’ll be here all week. Try the veal.

    I flagged this as obscene. I’m only commenting as a reminder to myself to check in a day or so: how well does flagging work? Also, to allow any others who might be interested to know what answer Ricochet management offers to us, their customers. What kind of site do they want this to turn into?

    I’m thinking that Ricochet co-founder Rob Long would say, “Eh, it’s OK.”

    Perhaps if he had used “t*st*cl*s” instead, it would have been okay?

    No. Testicles is an ancient Greek philosopher and has nothing to do with the joke.

    Perhaps SCM Tim was referring to that demon, Ballszebub . . .

    He’s licking his scrotum, not his testicles.  The testicles are inside.

    It is 1950.  The members of the United Nations are flying from Portugal to New York.

    Word comes that the plane is running low on fuel and cannot make it to  New York.  Even after feathering two of the engines, the situation is desperate.  So some of the passengers will have to jump out of the plane to their deaths in order to save all of the others.

    A Brit is first to the door, shouting “God Save the King” as he leaps into the night.

    A Frenchman follows, shouting “Vive la France”.

    A German shouts “Deutschland uber alles” as he takes his tragic leap.

    A Texan shouts “Remember the Alamo” and pushes out the Mexican ambassador.

    • #19
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