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Biden: World Will Freeze If We Don’t End Fossil Fuels By 1977
Is there a gaffe so preposterous that it can’t plausibly be ascribed to President Biden? Because I’ve been trying to generate one since he got elected and I’m starting to give up hope.
Look, I get it: he’s been logorrheic throughout his public life and at 110, he’s nuttier than Grandpa Simpson’s dad. But I ask the question seriously: are there no limits? When he’s not popping off about Armageddon, he’s getting lost exiting a stage or falling off a stationary bicycle or (up!) the stairs of Air Force One.
If there’s a positive takeaway, it’s that Biden’s decline from a mere mediocrity to a logy lunatic removes any last shred of doubt to independents and undecided voters — themselves nutters — that Democrats are nuttier than a redheaded stripper named Tiffany (if Tiffany was 80.) Every day the news gets battier. When Oregon isn’t prosecuting cocaine users for possessing plastic straws, gender clinics are throwing in a free lobotomy with every castration. What’s next, making DC and Puerto Rico part of NATO?
I know people like to refer to the press as the media arm of the Democratic Party but sometimes I think things go the other way around. Last I checked, climate scientists were actually adjusting their models in light of Don Lemon’s personal experience. And I know Martha’s Vineyard was three weeks and 800 news cycles ago but does anybody really believe its residents would’ve been any more welcoming if those 50 Venezuelans were instead 50 wind turbines?
That said, the internal contradictions within the Democrats’ coalition don’t seem to be hurting it much. When Biden’s not telling us that the pandemic is over, he’s reassuring his constituents, “Relax — it’ll be here forever.” Meanwhile, Portland’s city charter calls for both anarchy and a universal basic income. What’s next — an Illinois law allowing late voting? Drag queens canceled for donning blackface?
What is it with these kooks? Maybe the better question is, why aren’t we kooks too? I’m proud of the GOP. For example, why is it that when I see a protester self-immolate at a tennis match, I know it’s not on behalf of lower marginal tax rates? The renewed crime debate is another example. I’m old enough to remember when you could build or destroy an entire political career on the issue of crime. Back then, of course, the debate was what to do about it, not whether we should be pro or con.
Are we living in a post-parody world? At this point, I wouldn’t be surprised if corporations like Coke and Major League Baseball called for the Georgia elections to be moved to Denver…
Published in Humor
Explanation: They’re rubbing your face in the fact that they control who gets elected.
Excellent piece, David. Very funny. I particularly liked this sentence:
I’ve been suffering from a herniated disk in my back, and I laughed so hard at that sentence that I can’t tell if my back is OK now or if I herniated another disk.
Great stuff.
Unfortunately Democrats, despite having no sense of humor, have appropriated all comedic material from real comedians like you.
I think we are living in a post-parody world. Look at the bright side. Instead of being a comedian you can switch to being a prognosticator. Do what you have always been doing, except pretend you are serious.
In discussing Biden and his various appointments, I have worn out the “Caligula’s horse” analogy. Although in John Fetterman’s case it’s more of Caligula’s mule.
You know Tiffany too? Small world.
Glad you got laughs out of it, Scott – I’ll send you a bill for your back. ;)
Satire is just the news three months before it arrives!
In the dim dark past, a frustrated Art Buchwald had some similar worries about the possibility of parody. He offered the following imagined and impossible-to-mock headline as an example of where we were headed:
Sister Theresa and Father Joe to Marry Will It Be For Keeps This Time?
If you read this post with the voice of someone on amphetamines talking really fast it’s even funnier.
My Tiffanis spell it with an ‘i’, and are thus stripperier than yours. :P
Meth heads are like cops; you can never find one when you need one.
Only if they dot the ‘I’s with little hearts.
You can’t protect and preserve democracy without the use of a totalitarian police state.
Playing the Ricochet podcast at half speed is hilarious: it’s as if Peter Robinson took acid.
What if he’s already being serious?😛
Most Democrats and a lot of Republicans think this is just an aberration, a grab for power we can at some point reverse. If they steal both upcoming elections we’ll have to pull states and pieces of states into the United States with the existing constitution. It’s not just some crazy option, it’ll be the only option. The Chinese control all of Africa, when Brazil falls, all of Latin America. Only pieces of Asia remain. Europe is top down corrupt and small hope. It’s not just idiot Democrats and corporations. The Chinese pull the levers to the extent they have to which sadly doesn’t require much. Prior to the US, countries had generations practicing running things top down. We didn’t learn how to do it. We have no practice and have killed bottom up which is what gave us and hence the world, a vast, diverse rich economy. That will end more quickly than anything in history as it’s far too complex and diverse to be run by even a capable crew. This bunch, even without the Chinese, will bring us to an end very quickly and with the Chinese blisteringly fast.
I thought it was Rob Long who dropped acid.
These days, I have to check the Babylon Bee and the actual headlines before I post a parody . . .
Hey, you need to put more stuff on your YouTube channel. Anybody who can juggle plastic shopping bags needs more exposure!
Rob is more a ‘shrooms kind of guy.
Acid: Everyone else in the room has a lizard head!
’Shrooms: … and it’s an improvement.
They’re old men. They drop their pills all the time.
As long as we’re not in a post-juggling world.