Reprising a classic:

Bureau of Student Loan Obligation Lessening: Hello, U.S. Bureau of Student Loan Obligation Lessening, how may I help you?

Caller #1: OK, so I got my degree? From East Virginia University? In like Art History and Diversity Studies? You’ve probably read my seminal thesis, Cross-Dressing in Indigenous Fabricators of Submerged Woven Containment Vessels on Lake Titicaca, An Intersectional Analysis?

BSLOL: I’m afraid I haven’t had the pleasure. How may I help you?

Caller #1: So, like, I’ve got these student loans? For like $30,000? And I’m, like, hoping you can help with that?

BSLOL: Yes, the Student Loan Obligation Lessening Program is just for people like you. If you go to BSLOL.GOV and fill out the form, it looks like you’ll be eligible for the full $10,000 lessening.

Caller #1: Wow, if you do that, and, like, my loan payments go down? And I get that shift manager promotion at Buckstars? I’ll be able to move out of my parents!?

BSLOL: Um. . .I guess you will?

Caller #1: I will what? {click}

BSLOL: Hello, U.S. Bureau of Student Loan Obligation Lessening, how may I help you?

Caller #2: Hi! I just got my Culinary Arts degree at Circuit City Community College, and I have $2,400 in outstanding student loans. Would you be able to help me?

BSLOL: Yes, indeed. Just go to BSLOL.GOV, fill out the form, and your loan should be lessened by the entire amount.

Caller #2: That’s great! I won’t have to sweat about my taxes this year.

BSLOL: That’s right, this year.

Caller #2: Wait, what? {click}

BSLOL: Hello, U.S. Bureau of Student Loan Obligation Lessening, how may I help you?

Caller #3: Hi, I paid off the last of my student loans in May of last year. Will I get anything back from the program?

BSLOL: No, the Student Loan Obligation Lessening Program is for outstanding loans, only.

Caller #3: But I paid on that thing for over ten years; I never missed a payment! There’s a guy I graduated with who was not near as diligent. He had all sorts of late fees and extra interest and had thousands left on his loan. Now it’s all paid off! Pfft! Like that, and he has no debt! And he has a new car! I’m still driving the junker my parents gave me when I graduated.

BSLOL: I’m sorry, but the program the president laid out does not give credit for student loans that have been paid off. You could contact your US Representative and suggest changes for people in your condition. I would also point out that due to the situation last year, payments, interest, and penalties on student loans were suspended. Did you not take advantage of that?

Caller #3: Well, it was almost paid off by then anyway. After ten years, I just wanted to be done.

BSLOL: I might also point out that it was pretty obvious the way the election was going to go. You could have anticipated that the incoming administration would be providing student loan relief.

Caller #3: Oh, so it’s my fault now because I couldn’t see into the future!? You know what, I am going to call my representative and tell her I’m never voting for her again after her party helped pass this bull{click}

BSLOL: Hello, U.S. Bureau of Student Loan Obligation Lessening, how may I help you?

Caller #4: Hey, I’ve got a question about the funding of this program. I heard the money was coming from “the rich.” Does that include extra taxes on all the well-endowed universities that made big bucks from student loans?

BSLOL: No, why would we do that? {click}

BSLOL: Hello, U.S. Bureau of Student Loan Obligation Lessening, how may I help you?

Caller #5: Hey there, my boy just graduated from college debt-free and your dang website says we can’t get any money back. What is going with that?

BSLOL: The Student Loan Obligation Lessening Program is only for people with student loans. It says so right in the name.

Caller #5: Well, you and I know that’s a bunch of horse hockey. We saved and put every penny aside so my son could be the first in the family to go to college. And he worked the whole time he was in school, including summers. He told me what the kids who took out the loans were like. They partied all the time, took useless classes like “Postmodern Dance Theory” and “Underwater Basket Weaving” and graduated with some stupid degree that they can’t use to get a job. I’m sorry that they owe all that money, but maybe they should have made better decisions.

BSLOL: Unfortunately, sir, the program as enacted by the president is only for outstanding student loans. If you’d like the program to be expanded to cover your situation, I would suggest you contact your member of Congress.

Caller #5: Yea, I’m going to do that. I’m sure my “Member of Congress” can solve all my problems. {click}

BSLOL: Hello, U.S. Bureau of Student Loan Obligation Lessening, how may I help you?

Caller #6: I just went onto BSLOL.GOV and was told I’m not eligible for the program. What’s going on?

BSLOL: Tell me more about your situation.

Caller #6: I had to drop out halfway through my first semester, but I still have $12,000 in student loans.

BSLOL: The Student Loan Obligation Lessening Program is for serious students only. If you borrow the money just to hang out and party, then flunk all your classes, we’re not going to subsidize that.

Caller #6: But I was a serious student! I had to drop out because my Mom got really sick and I was the only one who could take care of her. I have all this debt with nothing to show for it, and now I don’t think I’ll ever be able to go to college.

BSLOL: I’m sorry, but this program is not for people like you. {click}

BSLOL: Hello, U.S. Bureau of Student Loan Obligation Lessening, how may I help you?

Secretary: Please hold for Mr. Howell.

Caller #7: Thank you, Marjorie. Thurston Howell VI, PC, here. After I obtained my JD from Harvard Law School, I had some debt as a result of student loans, a portion of which are still outstanding. I have come to understand that there is a US Government program to ameliorate my student loan debt burden.

BSLOL: Yes, sir. May I ask what the current balance on your loan is?

Caller #7: Indeed you may. As a result of the student loans from my Harvard attendance, the balance is approximately $161,238.24. While not onerous, the loan payments have created a small degree of hardship in the household. Why, Penelope’s Mercedes is almost three years old, if you can believe that.

BSLOL: And your income?

Caller #7:  It will be exactly $124,995.24 this year.

BSLOL: Well, I have good news for you, sir. You should be eligible for the full $10,000 lessening from the Student Loan Obligation Lessening Program.

Caller #7: Hmm, that is excellent news. Say! I just had a brainstorm! My debt burden is actually from two loans: One for my undergrad at Harvard, and the other for my JD at Harvard Law. Am I eligible for a credit on each outstanding balance?

BSLOL: Sadly, the program is per person, not per loan. You are only eligible for one lessening payment.

Caller #7: Well, it was worth a try, my good fellow. How about this: Let’s say, hypothetically, I pay off my current loans, then decide to finance an MBA from Harvard Business School. Will the program be available for that debt?

BSLOL: Hmm. . .I think we would be able to work with you about that.

Caller #7: Well, well, well, that is good news. Thank you so much, you have been of tremendous assistance.

BSLOL: But, of course.