What Back-to-School-Night Speeches May Sound Like This Year

 

[Years ago, I wrote a post about what back-to-school-night speeches would sound like if parents of typical kids got talked to the way parents of kids in special education do. Feels like it’s time to do another one, anticipating what those speeches might be like in these days when schools seem less interested in informing parents than intimidating them.]

Good evening, assembled terrorists, bigots, and people who provide room and board for our children:

We’d like to show you tonight all the enlightened, progressive, state-of-the-artifice learning opportunities we provide for our children every day. We’d like to, but we can’t trust that you would appreciate it. Since we know everything about education, and about your kids, and you know so little, we just can’t risk it. And really, why would you even need to know?

You will be permitted to visit your child’s classroom and speak briefly with the teacher. We are fortunate to have with us tonight a number of federal agents who will escort you through the building, confiscate your phone, and monitor your interactions with our educators. Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law.

Of course, we will be having our traditional bake sale in the gym at the end of the evening. Proceeds this year will be going to the teacher’s union, in recognition of their heroic sacrifices during COVID. Failure to buy a brownie and demonstrate your support for teachers will be noted in your permanent record.

If you have any concerns about your child’s schooling, please do bring them to the attention of the administration, so we can immediately have you escorted off the premises and post your photo in the school board building so the police will know who to watch out for.

Thank you for coming, and let’s all have a great school year!

Published in Education
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  1. Stad Coolidge
    Stad
    @Stad

    Perfect!

    • #1
  2. DonG (CAGW is a Scam) Coolidge
    DonG (CAGW is a Scam)
    @DonG

    Do parents have to sign non-disclosure agreements regarding homework and handouts?     Maybe parents should sign a pledge to not to ever look at homework assignments.   Parents must agree to feed their kids any medications provided by the school’s behavioral compliance official. 

    • #2
  3. Terri Mauro Coolidge
    Terri Mauro
    @TerriMauro

    DonG (CAGW is a Scam) (View Comment):
    Do parents have to sign non-disclosure agreements regarding homework and handouts?     Maybe parents should sign a pledge to not to ever look at homework assignments.

    Yeah, homework is a real area of risk for secretive schools. I used to love it when my kids got homework in their special education classes, because it was the only way I could find out for myself what level they were working on and how they were doing with it. Bet schools won’t be sending home worksheets from gender-ed, though.

    • #3
  4. Gossamer Cat Coolidge
    Gossamer Cat
    @GossamerCat

    Terri Mauro: Of course, we will be having our traditional bake sale in the gym at the end of the evening.

    I would add:  “Because even though we despise you and are educating our children to do the same , we still expect you to support the school in every way.”

    • #4
  5. Terri Mauro Coolidge
    Terri Mauro
    @TerriMauro

    Gossamer Cat (View Comment):
    “Because even though we despise you and are educating our children to do the same , we still expect you to support the school in every way.”

    I used to volunteer at the library at my kids’ elementary and middle schools, and I had an ear on everything that went on. I do wonder how they’re going to manage without parent volunteers onsite, or screen those volunteers, or make them sign nondisclosure forms and threaten them with bodily harm if they don’t just shut up and run the Field Day, slave.

    • #5
  6. CACrabtree Coolidge
    CACrabtree
    @CACrabtree

    Gossamer Cat (View Comment):

    Terri Mauro: Of course, we will be having our traditional bake sale in the gym at the end of the evening.

    I would add: “Because even though we despise you and are educating our children to do the same , we still expect you to support the school in every way.”

    I might also add “Even though you might be electrical engineers, doctors, or architects,  we will always be smarter than you because we have degrees in education not to mention being in an all-powerful union.”

    • #6
  7. Susan Quinn Contributor
    Susan Quinn
    @SusanQuinn

    Outstanding! You sound like you’re practiced at this. Well done, Terri.

    • #7
  8. Fritz Coolidge
    Fritz
    @Fritz

    Meanwhile, my 6th grade grandson’s opening of school is scheduled less than 24 hours from now, but no one can yet say if it will happen, because the union and the district are locked in contract negotiations, with the union already having voted to strike if no agreement is reached before the “end of the day” today,  Wednesday. Extremely disappointing and distruptive. Also illegal although no appellate court has ever been given the opportunity (i.e., had the gumption) so to rule in this state.

    • #8
  9. CACrabtree Coolidge
    CACrabtree
    @CACrabtree

    Fritz (View Comment):

    Meanwhile, my 6th grade grandson’s opening of school is scheduled less than 24 hours from now, but no one can yet say if it will happen, because the union and the district are locked in contract negotiations, with the union already having voted to strike if no agreement is reached before the “end of the day” today, Wednesday. Extremely disappointing and distruptive. Also illegal although no appellate court has ever been given the opportunity (i.e., had the gumption) so to rule in this state.

    Yeah, they’re having a teacher’s strike north of us in Columbus.  Since it’s about 60 miles away from us, we aren’t paying much attention.  All of our schools are up and runnning.

    • #9
  10. Columbo Member
    Columbo
    @Columbo

    Government schools are child abuse.

    • #10
  11. Fritz Coolidge
    Fritz
    @Fritz

    And . . . the “end of the day” means 4pm, and so the teachers are on strike. [spit]

    • #11
  12. DaveSchmidt Coolidge
    DaveSchmidt
    @DaveSchmidt

    What, no reference to pronouns? 

    • #12
  13. I Walton Member
    I Walton
    @IWalton

    Great.  The question is why do we not abolish public schools in States run by sane humans?  Alternatives are many, all of them better for poor folks as well as middle class and wealthy..

    • #13
  14. Stad Coolidge
    Stad
    @Stad

    CACrabtree (View Comment):

    Gossamer Cat (View Comment):

    Terri Mauro: Of course, we will be having our traditional bake sale in the gym at the end of the evening.

    I would add: “Because even though we despise you and are educating our children to do the same , we still expect you to support the school in every way.”

    I might also add “Even though you might be electrical engineers, doctors, or architects, we will always be smarter than you because we have degrees in education not to mention being in an all-powerful union.”

    A long time ago, I read somewhere there was a country in Europe (IIRC) where you had to have a four-year degree in the subject you were going to teach before you could become a teacher.  Nowadays, you get taught how to teach, but not necessarily the subject.  Case in point:  One of my best friends was an eighth grade teacher and certified to teach every subject.  The rest of us laughed our butts off because we knew of his academic “prowess” growing up, and of the seven years it took for him to get his degree in Political Science . . .

    • #14
  15. Old Bathos Moderator
    Old Bathos
    @OldBathos

    That was one of my biggest concerns about the large detachment sent on the Mar A Lago raid:  Who is protecting the school system against parents while all those guys are off pawing through Melania’s clothes closet?  Mr. Garland needs to get his priorities straight. 

    • #15
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