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[Years ago, I wrote a post about what back-to-school-night speeches would sound like if parents of typical kids got talked to the way parents of kids in special education do. Feels like it’s time to do another one, anticipating what those speeches might be like in these days when schools seem less interested in informing parents than intimidating them.]
Good evening, assembled terrorists, bigots, and people who provide room and board for our children:
We’d like to show you tonight all the enlightened, progressive, state-of-the-artifice learning opportunities we provide for our children every day. We’d like to, but we can’t trust that you would appreciate it. Since we know everything about education, and about your kids, and you know so little, we just can’t risk it. And really, why would you even need to know?
You will be permitted to visit your child’s classroom and speak briefly with the teacher. We are fortunate to have with us tonight a number of federal agents who will escort you through the building, confiscate your phone, and monitor your interactions with our educators. Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law.
Of course, we will be having our traditional bake sale in the gym at the end of the evening. Proceeds this year will be going to the teacher’s union, in recognition of their heroic sacrifices during COVID. Failure to buy a brownie and demonstrate your support for teachers will be noted in your permanent record.
If you have any concerns about your child’s schooling, please do bring them to the attention of the administration, so we can immediately have you escorted off the premises and post your photo in the school board building so the police will know who to watch out for.
Thank you for coming, and let’s all have a great school year!Published in