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I choose my friends carefully. Or, at least, I thought I did.
I’m friends with everybody. I’m even friends with people that I don’t like all that much, if that makes any sense. I like people, in general. Or at least, I accept them as they are. And as you might imagine, a person as flawed as I am tends to be very tolerant of the flaws of others. However, despite having lots of friends, I have very few close friends. The type of people that I could call at any time of the day or night, and say, “I have a problem,” and that person would put down the phone and come to my house immediately. Friends like that are rare. For me, at least.
“Tom” is one of my closest friends. We’ve known each other for over 20 years. We’ve built barns and decks together. We’ve done electrical work and plumbing together. We’ve run duct work, worked on cars, welded trailers together, and done I don’t even know what else together. We’ve also sat around a lot of campfires and drank a lot of beer together. And bourbon. And moonshine (that Tom made himself – great stuff). Tom is a hard-working man of faith and integrity, and I trust him implicitly. He was always great with my kids, and was a true asset to our little community in the mountains of East Tennessee. Anyone that had a problem could just call Tom. He could fix anything, and was happy to help anyone. And he could always call me to come help fix whatever it was. We understand each other.
A friend called me one day and told me that Tom’s house had been raided by the police. They took his computer etc, saying that he had been downloading child pornography. They told him that they would analyze his files, and would be back to arrest him in a few months. I told my friend that the police were out of their freaking minds. My friend said no, he had inside information, and it was true. I hung up on him. Bull crap. Obviously. Sheesh. That was a few months ago, and I haven’t spoken to my friend since then.
At least, not until this morning, when my friend called and told me that Tom had killed himself an hour ago.
“I know you two were pretty tight, so I didn’t want you to find out in the papers.”
Me: “Yeah. Ok. Thanks.”
And I hung up on him again. I’ll call and apologize later. I guess.
So maybe my friend was right about the child pornography stuff. Maybe.
Although I still don’t know, obviously. If asked to testify in court, I would still say that Tom was one of my closest friends, and that there is just no way that he would download child pornography. Ridiculous. That just cannot be true. This just can’t be right.
Perhaps I would be wrong. I guess.
I can’t wrap my head around this. If my friend had said, “Tom grew wings and flew to New Zealand,” that would have made more sense.
I’m not even sure how I feel right now. I feel sad that I’ll never see my friend again. Friends such as Tom are rare (very rare, in my case), and there’s a huge hole in my life now.
I also feel angry. And confused. And betrayed. And, um, almost dizzy.
We all have demons that haunt us. Most of us resist them as best we can. I don’t judge how other people deal with their demons, because I struggle with my own. I’ve gotten myself in plenty of trouble in the past over my desires, and I like women. Whenever I’ve done something truly stupid in my life, it was generally because of a beautiful woman. It wasn’t really my fault. Honestly.
But my goodness. Regardless of whose fault it is, there are certain things that one simply does not do. Regardless of what one feels. Some things are beyond the pale. Child pornography? It doesn’t matter how strongly one is drawn to that. Some things are beyond the pale. I mean, honestly…
I am very selective about my closest friends. Or, at least, I thought I was. I am, right?
I feel horrible. In many different ways.
I grew up in the second poorest county in Ohio. Lots of social problems. I have friends in low places. Convicted murderers, drug dealers, thieves, and so on. They’re my friends, and I don’t endorse some of the decisions they make, but they are still my friends.
But this one has me disoriented. This is different. Child pornography? I mean, honestly…
This seems different than my other friends, who have struggled with other demons. Partially because this was one of my 2-3 closest friends I have on this planet. And partially because I just can’t forgive what he did. Or what he apparently did. I guess. Surely not. But maybe. I guess.
I pray that Tom finds peace. I pray that God’s will be done. I pray that those two prayers are congruent.
I believe I’ll have just one more drink. Maybe four.
Tom is my friend. I love him. I’ll call his wife and ask how I can help. He would do the same for me. Because Tom is my friend.
But my goodness. What on earth?
This hurts.
Sometimes the worst possible answer is that there is no answer.
Regardless, this hurts.
Published in General
I am so sorry for your losses, of Tom, perhaps of your friend, and of your trust in the system. I agree with all of the other comments. Damn. This is hard. May he rest in peace, I will let the Good Lord judge him, but I will wish him well.
Dennis Prager makes this point all of the time.
When Bill Cosby got put away, Norm McDonald did a bit about some people who were saying “The real crime” was the hypocrisy. “No, it was the raping”.
Regarding the second part, pretty likely. But regarding the first part, what makes you so sure that God makes that distinction? God determines sin, not us.
Anyone can surprise us and cause us to wonder, did I know him at all? In this case the allegations become the final word, which is not fair. I have a cousin who was arrested for aggravated assault and robbery in a bar fight. He was in Boston’s “combat zone” back in the ’70s, just after the Puopolo fiasco (Harvard footballer murdered outside a Boston strip club.) He spent several years in the infamous Deere Island Prison for his crime. When he got out, there were a rash of rapes in his neighborhood, elderly women, one just a few houses from where he was living. That woman later died and he was charged with the rape and murder. While he was being held for trial, there was one and then another rape, and then a third. The suspect was caught in the act and later admitted to the other crimes for which my cousin was being tried. My cousin was exonerated, but the allegations still stuck to him like tar and feathers. His life has been difficult since, but he persevered.
My point is, whether the allegations in your friend’s case are true or not, they still weigh heavily and tragically. Help his wife and family. Ignore the gossip and the chatter. Forgive him regardless. Be the best friend now you can be.
I think you’re conflating moral standing with consequences or, at least, assuming that moral standing is the only question at issue. There are predatory sins and non-predatory sins. I think a close reading of the reasoning in the bible suggests that God views predatory sins with more severity than non-predatory sins. Most sexual sins, for example, are predatory in the sense that they involve encouraging others to sin along with you. In the case of child porn, consuming it incentivizes the victimization of others.
If, when Jesus said a millstone around the neck and being cast in to the sea was preferable to facing God after having enticed a child to sin, he was saying something about the elevated consequences for spiritual predation, or he wasn’t saying anything at all. There’s nothing meaningful in his comment if the ultimate consequential effects of all sins are the same.
It is the case, however, that one’s legal moral standing is invariant between sins. Both shop lifting and murder are wrong. But that doesn’t mean one is no worse than the other.
How does one prove that his computer was not planted with child p0rn?
I read years ago that planting child p0rn was one of the two best ways that the federal government persecutes and compromises people; that along with planting incriminating financial information on his computer and into his bank’s records. But she had top US law enforcement agents assisting her, and ostensibly a US top-flight computer analyst checking her computer. And nonetheless, Attkisson’s own computer was planted with classified documents about which she knew nothing.
And so when Attkisson said that she was told that planting computer p0rn was in store for her husband, it fit.
But the question arises: Is it even possible to prove that one’s computer wasn’t planted with anything at all. And does the average person have access, or even know how to get access, to this kind of forensic analysis?
I’ve been thinking of you all day, Doc.
The best I can come up with is something I’ve said to many survivors of suicides and overdoses, including people who had done very bad things: “Your friend was more than his worst moment.”
This is important, because there is that disorienting feeling you’ve expressed, as if this—the accusation and the suicide—are the “real” person, and the man you know was just a mask. A costume, and you were taken in by it.
You knew a real man. You didn’t know the whole of him, but the aspects of his character you knew were genuine. Your response to these genuine aspects, your presence in his life were among the elements that kept him more whole and sane than he otherwise would have been.
I wish I could agree that it is likely the accusations were false. I could be wrong—cup of salt—but in my experience, at least, police departments barely have the bandwidth, money, time and political buy-in to go after genuine cases of child porn. My daughter investigates these crimes, and they definitely don’t bother with the borderline cases (e.g. the maybe-she’s-actually-18-but-just-looks-young ones). Not enough time.
My other small insight is simply that it is very common for adults who were sexually assaulted as children to be drawn to look at child pornography. This doesn’t even have to be a matter of sexual gratification: An adult victim experiencing intense depression and anxiety may be seeking information, attempting to use cognitive processes (research, basically) as a means of seeking relief. (“If I just understood this, I wouldn’t be in so much pain.”)
I would be very surprised if your friend hadn’t been through some awful abuse as a kid, and for men of our (ish) generation, this is not something to talk about, even in the company of a good friend.
This does not mean that what he did was okay. And frankly, it could be worse than you think. And yet, the goodness you saw in him was real. And if you could see it, God can definitely see it. We can’t resolve the paradox, but God can. Your friend is safe in God’s hands.
If – and that’s a big if – the allegations are true, how could you have known? Other than knowing if they are gay or straight, I don’t know a thing about the sex lives or sexual desires of any of my friends.
Except, isn’t suicide itself a sin?
Doc, I’m having to deal with a matter right now that has many parallels, except that I’m not the one who was the closest, and most betrayed, but close enough. And there’s no suicide, at least yet. Here, too, there was no clue, nothing that would lead a person to think, now that I know this, I can see how . . . Nothing.
And then the arrest.
And then things snowballed.
It reminds us that Man is inherently sinful. Without an immutable set of morals and ethics, that is, standards that are external to Man, then there’s nothing that stands in the way of each individual doing whatever pleases him. And this is what we get, as individuals and as a society.
Is that a serious question?
I don’t like conspiracies, but didn’t I see recently that the FBI (the Leftist Praetorian Guard) threatened to download child pornography to the computer of Sharyl Attkisson’s husband if she did not cooperate?
So sorry. @drBastiat
That is some of my issues on this. Especially with the internet. Sure there are child predators. But we now live in an age where if a 17 year old girl sends a topless photo to a 19 year old boy vis instant message that is considered child porn with all the laws that imply. Trafficking in child porn can be as little as forwarding a picture of an underage 17 to a friend. The rules a written broad to help the law to put away bad people but I have seen the law twisted and used to further the ambition of law enforcement or political people so much I tend to be skeptical
i guess my point is until you have some actual details don’t jump to conclusions or judgements. Especially with law.
A bit why I am skeptical about stuff like this. Back in the 90s I hosted internet web sites mostly to small business. They were all legit and none every hosted any porn. They were simple things by todays standards mostly just an internet business card. But I have friends and me and mine come from a class of people where government money is a thing. A buddy of mine had a brother that was a complete druggie screw up and lost his kids. This put the kids into CPS and attached government money to them. My buddy took the kids in. I have no doubt he did it out of a sense of obligation but the money was also a factor. Once it was discovered there was money attached to the situation family members came out of the wood work to take in the children and a mass battle of tit for tat, free for all battle went on. During the battle that I had nothing to do with but know the guy and employ him at times ended up with CPS raiding me and my business looking for child porn. One time the sheriff was nice enough to show up and perp walked me just in time for the evening news “live” cams. Of course there was nothing there and I was released after my name was smeared and everybody in town thought I was a pervert but hey all fair in crab bucket.
That is less true now than it used to be. Many places now have modified statutory rape laws so that they don’t apply if there is an age difference of like 3 or 4 years, or less. It didn’t make sense to treat a guy as a criminal just for turning 18 sooner than his girlfriend does.
However, if he shares nude photos of her with someone older, that could be a problem.
I have seen what happens when accusations are made and a person loses all their friends in the world.
I have multiple friends who were accused of molesting step-daughters. All were fully acquitted – the girls eventually admitted they just hated their step-dad, etc. But the pathway was HORRIBLE.
I was accused of visiting one of them in prison. I felt terrible, because I had not done so. And should have.
The blowback from the accusation sucks a person out of their soul.
Yikes. Worst fears realized.
It’s not a flaw in your own judgment if someone hides something from you, Doc, and clearly people can behave normally in public situations while not behaving normally at home, when no one else is around.
Which does not mean that’s what happened to your friend, although it could be true. I am assuming his wife is more confused and struggling now more than anyone, and carrying, inevitably, some feelings of guilt. And the idea that everyone, from today forward, will assume she knew and helped hide it.
This is a bomb that exploded in multiple lives. But you didn’t assemble the bomb, light the fuse, and blow air onto the fuse so it would burn faster. That’s not on you. Unfortunately, you may never know the full details, or if what’s been alleged is true.
Wishing you and yours the best of luck, as always.
C
No doubt about that. It’s worth a quick read to go back and review the horrible daycare trials of the 80s and 90s. As it turned out, unscrupulous psychologists were planting ideas in small childrens’ heads and ambitious DA’s were only too happy to bring charges against the hapless daycare owners. Almost all of them had their convictions overturned but their lives were ruined.
But to drag David French (and others) into this, “they had their day (or weeks, or months…) in court! So the system worked!”
Regrettably, I think you’re correct.
No doubt about planting ideas in small children’s heads. I was a small child then, and I made it a rule I will not be left alone with anyone under 18. That rule has carried on into adulthood and into present day.
All the Nieces, Nephews, Cousins, and then some born over the years no one asked Me to babysit, because They knew what the answer would be.
I babysat two girls (5 and 12) one day a week for several months due to mandatory changes in the mother’s work schedule. I was always uncomfortable with it, but the mother was a great person, they were like family and liked helping out and doing it. But one day she reneged on something very important and said, “Why should I?” and I couldn’t trust her anymore. For me, it takes a whole lot of trust to babysit. And after that I stopped baby-sitting altogether.
I think it’s prudent for adult males to avoid being alone with solitary young people who aren’t their own children. In the years I spent driving my kids to sporting events, school, etc., I always declined to bring a single child who wasn’t one of mine anywhere. In recent years I’ve relaxed that with very short trips involving the young cousins I tutor, and who see me almost daily, but that’s it.
Yeah, it was uncomfortable, but I trusted the mother. Now I think about, and my wife supports, me mentoring a couple of boys of a woman we know. I think, and think, but I just don’t trust being alone with them. This also rules out any organized mentoring program. Isn’t that a god-awful shame? It wasn’t always like this.
Which seems odd when statistically, most child abuse is committed by women, especially the mothers who have the most access.
Not Me.
So if I’m ever in court, then it would be unanimous, rock solid, from all the character and eye witnesses that I would never be alone with the defendant.
Well, this is the problem with all vague “abuse” accusations. I have no idea what abuse, spousal abuse, verbal abuse, physical abuse, child abuse, and sexual abuse, all actually mean when they’re sited.
What kind of child abuse is committed predominantly by women?