Another Problem with Aging

 

I am not sure it is related to aging, per se, but as I have gotten older I have lost my derriere. It used to be there and I took it for granted, but now I have nothing to hang my pants on. Sure, I can tighten my belt, which I do, or I could wear suspenders, but until recently I didn’t really think much about the problem of my lost derriere.

Last week I played golf for the first time in twelve years. My golf game was as bad as you would think but I expected that. What I didn’t expect was the problem of the reverse wedgie. On most golf courses you are expected to wear shorts that have a belt and a tucked-in golf shirt that has a collar. I don’t know why. That is just the way it is.

The shorts, belt, and shirt were no problem, but my boxer shorts became an unexpected problem. Maybe because of the heat and the sweating, but mostly because of the absent derriere, my boxer shorts began to slide off my rear end and wound up bunched up around my skinny thighs. The reverse or anti-wedgie. It wasn’t a problem anyone else could detect but it was distracting for me. Finally, I had to tell my friend Ronnie to avert his eyes because I had had a wardrobe malfunction that I needed to fix.

I never saw that problem coming.

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  1. Stina Member
    Stina
    @CM

    I’m laughing.

    Squats can help with this.

    • #1
  2. Hoyacon Member
    Hoyacon
    @Hoyacon

    To add insult to injury, we are now living in a society that inexplicably appears to value excessively large behinds.  Who knew?

    Look on the bright side: no one will ask you to twerk.

    • #2
  3. Dr. Bastiat Member
    Dr. Bastiat
    @drbastiat

    Southern Pessimist: I have lost my derriere

    Keep looking.  It’ll turn up somewhere.

    Think carefully – where did you see it last? 

    • #3
  4. Southern Pessimist Member
    Southern Pessimist
    @SouthernPessimist

    Stina: Squats can help with this.

    No, that might make it much worse.

    Hoyacon:  Look on the bright side: no one will ask you to twerk.

    If you can stand on your head and twerk you don’t need much derriere to be a congressperson, it seems.

    Dr. Bastiat:  Think carefully – where did you see it last? 

    Well I haven’t actually looked for it, but if I still have it, it has both rotated and migrated upward and forward. But that does not help keep my pants up.

    • #4
  5. Beatfeet Lincoln
    Beatfeet
    @Beatfeet

    Southern Pessimist (View Comment):

    Stina: Squats can help with this.

    No, that might make it much worse.

    Hoyacon: Look on the bright side: no one will ask you to twerk.

    If you can stand on your head and twerk you don’t need much derriere to be a congressperson, it seems.

    Dr. Bastiat: Think carefully – where did you see it last?

    Well I haven’t actually looked for it, but if I still have it, it has both rotated and migrated upward and forward. But that does not help keep my pants up.

    You seem to have acquired the same condition I have had all my life – noassatall.

    • #5
  6. OldPhil Coolidge
    OldPhil
    @OldPhil

    Solution: Don’t wear boxers.

    But you’re right about old guys losing their butts. My wife tells me I never had one. She does, thankfully.

    • #6
  7. Muleskinner, Weasel Wrangler Member
    Muleskinner, Weasel Wrangler
    @Muleskinner

    I still have a 32” waist. Only it’s about 4” lower.

    • #7
  8. navyjag Coolidge
    navyjag
    @navyjag

    Hilarious post. Especially for an old guy who wonders why his belt won’t keep his jeans from falling low enough for the wife to claim he is showing off his ass like a plumber.  Old guy challenges. 

    • #8
  9. Arahant Member
    Arahant
    @Arahant

    Best thread of the week.

    • #9
  10. Annefy Member
    Annefy
    @Annefy

    I don’t have a specific memory of JY with a butt, but now that he doesn’t have one, I can’t help but notice. 

    I don’t know if it’s hurting his golf game. If it is, I’m pretty sure he would have mentioned it. But I can’t guarantee I was listening. 

    • #10
  11. I Walton Member
    I Walton
    @IWalton

    Yes.  No doubt about it,   My belts all seem incredibly long and don’t have holes back far enough and don’t hold anything up anyway.  

    • #11
  12. Doug Watt Moderator
    Doug Watt
    @DougWatt

    navyjag (View Comment):

    Hilarious post. Especially for an old guy who wonders why his belt won’t keep his jeans from falling low enough for the wife to claim he is showing off his ass like a plumber. Old guy challenges.

    That’s called construction cleavage.

    • #12
  13. cdor Member
    cdor
    @cdor

    My butt has always been very small and almost useless when it comes to holding up a pair of pants. A belt cinched tightly is imperative for me. When I had a big gut to go with my tiny butt the problem was magnified. I finally got sick of my appearance and lost about 80 pounds. That was sweet! Suddenly I could wear clothes as they were meant to be worn. By about 15 years after my big weight loss I had gained back 30 lbs. Over the past 11/2 years I have lost that as well. The human form takes many shapes and my body, it seems, has assumed about half of them over my lifetime. 

    • #13
  14. Stina Member
    Stina
    @CM

    Southern Pessimist (View Comment):

    Stina: Squats can help with this.

    No, that might make it much worse.

    Hoyacon: Look on the bright side: no one will ask you to twerk.

    If you can stand on your head and twerk you don’t need much derriere to be a congressperson, it seems.

    Dr. Bastiat: Think carefully – where did you see it last?

    Well I haven’t actually looked for it, but if I still have it, it has both rotated and migrated upward and forward. But that does not help keep my pants up.

    I thought female butts are big from fat, but men, it’s mostly muscle. As old guys, your muscle is goin away, but the fat still never gets there.

    • #14
  15. Arahant Member
    Arahant
    @Arahant

    Stina (View Comment):
    I thought female butts are big from fat, but men, it’s mostly muscle. As old guys, your muscle is goin away, but the fat still never gets there.

    Yep.

    • #15
  16. Postmodern Hoplite Coolidge
    Postmodern Hoplite
    @PostmodernHoplite

    Sorry, I can’t sympathize. I was “blessed” with big a** and thighs from childhood, and was ever thus. A college roommate described me once as, “two ax-handles across the beam.” Whatever it was that my wife found attractive in me, it wasn’t my lean hips and svelte physique. Now that I’m an old guy, I’m losing muscle mass in my upper body, and fighting a growing gut. But I’m still “two ax-handles across the beam”…

    • #16
  17. Mad Gerald Coolidge
    Mad Gerald
    @Jose

    I gave up and tried using suspenders a couple years ago.  Now I can’t live without them.

     

    • #17
  18. Arahant Member
    Arahant
    @Arahant

    Mad Gerald (View Comment):

    I gave up and tried using suspenders a couple years ago. Now I can’t live without them.

    I have preferred them for over three decades now. No complaints.

    • #18
  19. Mad Gerald Coolidge
    Mad Gerald
    @Jose

    Arahant (View Comment):

    Mad Gerald (View Comment):

    I gave up and tried using suspenders a couple years ago. Now I can’t live without them.

    I have preferred them for over three decades now. No complaints.

    They can be a good conversation starter.

    • #19
  20. Arahant Member
    Arahant
    @Arahant

    Mad Gerald (View Comment):
    They can be a good conversation starter.

    They used to be considered underwear. I don’t want underwear as a conversation starter.

    • #20
  21. cdor Member
    cdor
    @cdor

    Arahant (View Comment):

    Mad Gerald (View Comment):
    They can be a good conversation starter.

    They used to be considered underwear. I don’t want underwear as a conversation starter.

    Ha!

    • #21
  22. Mad Gerald Coolidge
    Mad Gerald
    @Jose

    Arahant (View Comment):

    Mad Gerald (View Comment):
    They can be a good conversation starter.

    They used to be considered underwear. I don’t want underwear as a conversation starter.

    Not necessarily.

    • #22
  23. Southern Pessimist Member
    Southern Pessimist
    @SouthernPessimist

    I seem to have a habit of using underwear as a conversation starter. I tried to link this comment to some of my previous posts but I have forgotten how to do that or the process has changed.

    I guess that is a problem I should have seen coming.

    • #23
  24. Arahant Member
    Arahant
    @Arahant

    Mad Gerald (View Comment):
    Not necessarily.

    Depends on how far back one goes. I’m not talking about the 1980’s.

    • #24
  25. GrannyDude Member
    GrannyDude
    @GrannyDude

    Hoyacon (View Comment):

    To add insult to injury, we are now living in a society that inexplicably appears to value excessively large behinds. Who knew?

    Look on the bright side: no one will ask you to twerk.

    Some of us find this to be a positive development, albeit one that has come a bit late. Kind of like the fashion for ugly shoes—Uggs and Doc Martens: Why couldn’t they have been stylish when I was in high school?

    • #25
  26. CarolJoy, Not So Easy To Kill Coolidge
    CarolJoy, Not So Easy To Kill
    @CarolJoy

    Hope it is not rude to say how this was fun to read.

    You said: On most golf courses you are expected to wear shorts that have a belt and a tucked-in golf shirt that has a collar. I don’t know why. That is just the way it is.

    IMO it is so that we non-golfers can make fun of you guys.

    • #26
  27. Al Sparks Thatcher
    Al Sparks
    @AlSparks

    I’ve always had a small derriere, though wearing a belt has never been a problem.  Though when I’m in a locker room at the gym, I can’t get a towel to hang off of me to save my life, and I either have to hold it with one hand, or let it drop.

    I’ve chosen to let it drop.  I did go through  a period in life where I wore big red suspenders (I rarely wear a suit), but I went back to using a belt because I hang things off of it, like a multi-tool knife which is too big to carry in my pocket, and my oversized smart phone which is on my belt and holster (for that matter, I started carrying a cell phone when the only ones you could get were, by today’s standards, oversized flip phones with pull out antennas).

    I’ve never taken to boxer shorts.  It’s what my parents provided at first because my dad wore them.  But when I requested briefs, that’s what I’ve been wearing ever since.  I suppose it’s too late in life for the OP to change, as it is for me, but that would solve his problem.

    • #27
  28. Southern Pessimist Member
    Southern Pessimist
    @SouthernPessimist

    Al Sparks (View Comment):

    I’ve always had a small derriere, though wearing a belt has never been a problem. Though when I’m in a locker room at the gym, I can’t get a towel to hang off of me to save my life, and I either have to hold it with one hand, or let it drop.

    I’ve chosen to let it drop. I did go through a period in life where I wore big red suspenders (I rarely wear a suit), but I went back to using a belt because I hang things off of it, like a multi-tool knife which is too big to carry in my pocket, and my oversized smart phone which is on my belt and holster (for that matter, I started carrying a cell phone when the only ones you could get were, by today’s standards, oversized flip phones with pull out antennas).

    I’ve never taken to boxer shorts. It’s what my parents provided at first because my dad wore them. But when I requested briefs, that’s what I’ve been wearing ever since. I suppose it’s too late in life for the OP to change, as it is for me, but that would solve his problem.

    You are right that boxer shorts have been a problem for me for a while. I once wrote a post about the lack of appropriate signage on my shorts. I blame Helen Hanes. We were classmates in college long ago, and she turned down my offer to go out for a date in the sweetest way, but the company she inherited led the way in making boxer shorts with no labels. Shame on her. You can’t imagine how many times I have stepped up to a public urinal and realized my undershorts are on backwards.

    • #28
  29. navyjag Coolidge
    navyjag
    @navyjag

    Arahant (View Comment):

    Mad Gerald (View Comment):

    I gave up and tried using suspenders a couple years ago. Now I can’t live without them.

    I have preferred them for over three decades now. No complaints.

    Will check them out. 

    • #29
  30. Dotorimuk Coolidge
    Dotorimuk
    @Dotorimuk

    I remember once on Letterman, the usually unfunny Sandra Bernhart mentioned that Jerry Garcia of the Grateful Dead was at that age where “his pants are confused.”

    • #30
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