Ricochet is the best place on the internet to discuss the issues of the day, either through commenting on posts or writing your own for our active and dynamic community in a fully moderated environment. In addition, the Ricochet Audio Network offers over 50 original podcasts with new episodes released every day.
What I Learned in my Due-Date Group (Also, I Had a Baby)
After the death of my first son at 33 weeks, I was hesitant to say anything when I soon became pregnant again. As part of my desire to be more involved with this second pregnancy, I joined the due date group on my pregnancy tracker app for the month I was due. Over 10,000 women due the same month from around the English-speaking world joined the group, and the posts were…interesting. Some of the information exchanged was helpful, but by and large, the posts broke down into two categories: ranting and seeking advice. Some posts were shocking in their drama, while others made you roll your eyes. Here’s what I learned from reading the concerns of other young women.
Having babies out of wedlock
Several ladies posted the dirty details of the trials they faced in dealing with their baby daddy or his family. Some women caught their boyfriends cheating on them. Many of them felt their baby daddies were not good providers, preferring to spend most of the day playing video games, drinking, or hanging out with the guys instead of helping to prepare for their child’s arrival. There were many tales of financial woes — one or both parents were unemployed, so how were they going to pay for a baby? — as well as quandaries about whose last name to give the baby.
The overall tenor of the posts was “me vs. baby daddy,” and the majority of the complaints could have been solved by doing one thing — not having children outside of wedlock. Post after post I found myself thinking “this wouldn’t be an issue if you had gotten married” or “this is what you get for having a baby with someone you don’t intend to marry.”
The comments usually focused on how to get the guy to come around to the mom’s wishes or encouraged the woman to ditch the boyfriend. No one ever said the obvious: if you don’t want to marry this guy, why are you having a baby with him? If you did say something along those lines, I’m sure you would be called out for being judgmental or pushing your hateful Judeo-Christian morals on everyone else.
I feel sorry for these children that seemed destined to live with parents that are pitted against one another or absent. The amount of venom and disdain these women felt for their baby’s father made you wonder why they ever slept with them in the first place.
Advocating for one’s self in the face of dismissive healthcare providers
Another topic of conversation was what to do when you have a concern about your baby and your doctor is dismissive. Ok, true, there’s a lot of anxiety that leads women to focus on small things that aren’t really a thing. But I found several posts where women described very serious concerns that were completely ignored. In some instances, I strongly encouraged women to be evaluated in the emergency department or switch OB practices altogether due to the appalling response by the practice.
While childbirth is considerably safer today than it has been historically, it is in no way without its potential perils. Early on in my pregnancy, my service (cardiothoracic surgery) was consulted emergently on a 36-year-old lady of 39 weeks gestation with a suspected aortic dissection. After she became suddenly unstable, the baby was delivered via crash c-section, and the mom was sent to us for emergency surgery. She died before we could operate.
Of course, this is not the norm, but preeclampsia, stroke, liver failure, disseminated intravascular coagulation, pregnancy-induced cardiomyopathy, postpartum hemorrhage, infection/sepsis, and severe carpal tunnel requiring surgery are all potential complications of pregnancy. I have witnessed or personally experienced several of these problems, and they are not to be taken lightly when they present. It was shocking to see how many women with clear signs of preeclampsia or intrahepatic cholestasis of pregnancy were told not to worry their pretty little heads about it. Both of these conditions can be deadly if not treated and monitored.
The best thing pregnant women (or really anyone for that matter) can do is to advocate for themselves. Fortunately, many of the comments on these posts encouraged the authors to seek help and push to be taken seriously. I was surprised at how passive many of these women were, repeatedly saying they didn’t want to bother or annoy their OB practice with their questions. After my own experience with stillbirth, I am a big advocate for getting checked out if something spikes your mom sense. It was clear that women did not feel empowered or comfortable pushing back to have their concerns addressed.
Several posts talked about reduced fetal movement, and women would often say they were going for a routine appointment in a few days, so they would bring it up then. Reduced fetal movement needs to be addressed quickly, not in a few days. I’m not sure how we encourage people to advocate for themselves and take their health concerns seriously, but I have seen that head-in-the-sand approach cost people their lives.
There are rampant mental health problems
If I had a dollar for every time a mom-to-be started her post with “I struggle with anxiety and depression” it would have paid my hospital bill. On posts discussing breastfeeding, a commonly cited reason for not breastfeeding was mental health. The amount of anxiety and depression was alarming. Growing up, these were always diagnoses held by a fairly small population. Now, it seems a large number of people are on psych meds for their anxiety and depression. What has happened to our culture that everyone seems to be wracked with anxiety?
Now, I will be the first to admit I was very anxious during this pregnancy given my last pregnancy turned so tragic. But that would be categorized as situational anxiety, not the long-term, preexisting anxiety described by these ladies. What’s more, the anxiety seems to create tremendous inaction in these moms. The hubs and I got a Snoo bassinet for our little guy, and since it’s a “smart” bassinet, there is some nuance to using it, so I joined a Snoo parents Facebook group. The amount of handwringing in this group over pretty inconsequential things is mind-boggling.
One could argue that the type of person to buy or rent a Snoo is prone to anxiety as they feel the need to drop a significant amount of money on a bassinet that is supposed to prevent SIDS, but even then the anxiety demonstrated in this parents is puzzling. There are several posts about how to transition their babies from being swaddled with arms down to swaddled with arms out — I’m so nervous to let my baby’s arms out of the swaddle. Should I do one arm or two? How do I pick which arm? It’s time for my baby to go to the crib; how do I transition my little one to the crib? I’m terrified of what my baby will do if it’s not in the Snoo! My baby keeps wanting to roll onto her tummy when she sleeps, how do I keep her on her back?! (The answer is: you let her roll on her stomach)
The concept of trial and error seems to elude this crowd. One night of poor sleep sends them into a tailspin, and they end up on Facebook agonizing over why their child didn’t sleep well last night. Things that would never have crossed my parents’ mind to worry about now become major causes of stress for these parents. Why the change? Is it our affluence and lack of adversity? Social media? Businesses fear-mongering? Or a heightened awareness of possible morbidity and mortality and a driving need for as much mitigation as possible?
With mental health chic exploding on TicTok and the astronomical rise in mental illness in young people, it seems these parents are just keeping up with the current zeitgeist. It’s not healthy. How do we counteract it? People appear to be losing their ability to make simple decisions. And that is a sign that our society is not doing well.
And now for the moment you’ve all been waiting for — the cutest baby ever. Antonin joined us in March, and is full of personality already. The photos are here on the member feed.
Published in General
Given Vicryl’s musical background, I assumed the name came from a musical pedigree.
It can be helpful for sure. Sometimes it’s not helpful. You get a lot of survivor bias- “we always put our kids on their tummies for nap time” while we know that it’s a big contributing factor to SIDS. Of course most babies did ok, but for the ones that didn’t…
So glad to hear your great news, VC! Many blessings for you, mustang and Antonin in the years ahead!
VC and Mustang: What joyous news! Hello, dear little Antonin!
I’ve got a good friend who, when she and her husband got pregnant, decided that rather than consult the interwebs or read a lot of books, she’d just ask the successful parents she knew (including me—I was flattered!).
I think this was a good idea, all in all. I do remember, at one point, she had some honey on her finger, and she let her four month old son taste it. I happened to be there, and said something like “I think babies aren’t meant to have honey before they’re a year old.” It was a vague recollection from the 1980s, but it turns out to still be a rule. I can’t remember what premature honey-tasting does, but whatever it is, her son might’ve risked it had GodmommyDude not been standing right there.
I’m sorry about little baby number one, and I completely understand the anxiety it created. When my second grandchild was on the way, I would respond to queries about his due date with “October 12th” (or whatever it was) and the unvoiced, but nonetheless powerful caveat “if…” Because my first grandchild died shortly after he was born, and the pain of that proved to endure in the form of grandmaternal fret. It also, of course, meant that Grandbaby Number Two was (and is) welcomed with extra recognition of the sheer miracle of his coming-to-be: We don’t take healthy babies for granted in our house.
I will say that grandchild #3 and #4 and #5 (we’ve had a bit of a cascade) are anticipated with a bit more confidence—I don’t automatically add the “if…” when planning for the next arrival. So if/when you decide to roll the dice on a #3 (and I hope you will—the genes are obviously stellar!) it might be a slightly less anxious pregnancy, thanks to the glorious life of little Antonin. God bless all of you!
We are going to try to sneak one more in before the warehouse shuts down due to old age. Although having 2 under 2 poses sounds exhausting, especially since we’re old and Antonin is an easy baby so the second will be a hellion since you only get one easy baby.
I’m so sorry about your first grand baby. It’s a terrible pain.
My lovely wife Amanda and I have to agree with this one. We had to get a new OB when we moved, and that one was so dismissive of Amanda’s concerns and needs that we switched almost a month before our oldest’s due date. (I will note that the one we left did introduce Amanda to hypnobirthing which was just plain awesome, but for the rest it was too much). The last OB we had was amazing. We loved him. And he left the practice before our youngest was born, cuss it.
This one kinda amused me. The real answer is: doesn’t matter how you swaddle. The tiny escape artist will sleep as he/she likes and the next time you look you and your spouse will say, “Didn’t you swaddle arms in? Why is it out? Why is she on that side?”
Heck, our oldest introduced us to the joys of intermittent breathing or the fun game of “Is our kid asleep or not breathing — oh wait there’s the one big breath she’s fine.” I have my hypotheses on why anxiety is so prevalent, but that’s probably worth a completely different post.
I’m so happy for you both. I’ve been following the photos posted and what a joy. Praise be to the Lord!
Congratulations, guys! What a cutie!
I would love to read a post about your theories regarding the increase in anxiety.
I’ll have to make them. They’re probably all wrong, but that’s never stopped me from opening my mouth before!
He is rightfully suspicious of the medical-industrial complex.
Congratulations!
I had a great pediatrician with my oldest. I had a million questions, he always answered his office phone, and I called him every morning after breakfast. I thought all the parents did. :-) He was always happy to answer my questions, and I figured he was teaching me, and his good advice lasted through two additional babies. :-)
Everything you’ve written about obstetricians can be said of pediatricians too.
What a gem! You won’t find that kind of accessibility to your doctor nowadays. We love the practice we take Nino to- the docs are super attentive and have a conservative approach to treatment, which I appreciate. They leave a large number of visits open each day for sick visits, so I’ve never had a problem being seen the same day if I’m concerned about something, which came in handy when something was off after we were discharged from the hospital. He ended up being readmitted two days later to the NICU (because of his age, even though he was totally stable). But it was because I pushed to be seen and pushed for some work up that we caught the issue early before there was any damage.
Well most of these girls never had a Dad right? Also, how is their relationship with their Mom?
So how are you more involved in this pregnancy than the one before? Was your husband sea-horsing the fetus in the last one?
Parenting boards are not for the faint of heart. They were definitely like witnessing a train wreck much of the time. I was there for the HG boards after my first, and those women are incredibly laid back and many had 4+ kids. I admired them.
The advocacy is tricky. We all talk about how our doctors know more than we do and that Google and forums don’t replace doctor expertise, so we are hesitant to contradict them and be THAT patient that cites a bunch of anonymous randos on why he should take them seriously.
We don’t really have strong self-advocacy in any branch of medicine.
But I totally get it. My first doctor brushed off rapid weight loss and continued sickness, his office staff never noted my calls for help in my file, and he and his med student brushed off my emphatic affirmation of severe thirst after asking if I was thirsty.
The closest I got to self advocacy was demanding help for my morning sickness before embarking on a cruise and he finally gave me medication, but he should have been diagnosing me with HG and sending me to the ER for fluids.
Its hard to advocate for self when you are clueless of what is normal, let alone what is unusual. Parenting boards are wonderful for that aspect alone as long as experienced moms keep showing up with repeats.
With Owen, I was more detached because we were waiting to find out the gender. I suppose I should have said for the literalists amongst us, that this time around I wanted to be more emotionally involved. I talked to Antonin more, touched and cradled my bump more (they can feel when you touch your belly), played more music, and we found out the gender at like 11 weeks with the genetic screening results and decided on the name, so instead of saying “the baby” we talked about him by name.
My lovely wife Amanda would agree. She joined a Utah Non-LDS Mommy group on her social media. At the beginning it was full of non-LDS moms who would support and help each other. In the past several years it became a haven for West-coast immigrants who were appalled that LDS was so big here and that people here actually agree with Republicans on many things.
At this point, Amanda remains more because it’s like watching a train wreck in progress.
How dare Mormons live in Utah.
Well, mucho congrats! Cute kiddie, and will get cuter with age. And it helps to have a medical “specialist” in the family, too. You are pretty good at advocating for yourself, and perhaps you could make some money consulting on how to do that. Best wishes and hugs to all of you.
I know, right? I mean, I can’t even!
My mom had 5 in just under 9 years. The first pair and the last pair were 2 months off from being “Irish Twins” (Why yes my mom’s maiden name was Thompson, so I can say it). By the third child is seems the delta between them became irrelevant with the innate chaos that naturally comes with large Catholic families.
I can say on the back end that having a large family is a blessing when it comes to parent care in the final years. Many hands made it possible for them to be comforted and not feel like a burden since we could divide all of their needs amongst the brood.
I have seen the other side of that coin with an only child trying to manage her failing health octogenarian parents on one end, and her hormonal pre teens on the other side. At times I would have her come into my office so she could have a sympathetic vent and cry session with an understanding boss.
I’ll take the cacophony of “family circus” lifestyle any day in hindsight.
Lovely! And how amazing: right there at the final seconds I spotted George Will playing the oboe. I didn’t even know he was musical.
That’s an incredible piece of filmwork. As the clip starts, it almost looks like they’ve sped up the film, but no, everyone is playing like a maniac (and Karajan is directing just as maniacally).
There’s a link in the YouTube description where you can watch the whole film if you sign up. I’m tempted to do that.
One of the last things I said to my mom that made her laugh: it’s a bloody good thing you had five kids. May I suggest 10 in your next life?
I know my mom wishes she had had more children. Unfortunately because of my age, one more is probably the best we can hope for.
Fingers crossed and prayers for at least one more. And congrats on your beautiful son.
This makes me want to scream. No one said it? Because maybe if they did they would get criticized?? Someone on that board needs to sack up, say it, and take the heat if it comes.
Congratulations, Vicryl Contessa!
Nope, no one said it. These boards are brutal. Woe betide you if you say you’re going to circumcise your son. The backlash is severe.
Circumcision reduces STD acquisition and some cancers.