Disney Gets Honest


A script for a future episode of Mickey Mouse Clubhouse was recently leaked.  It is reproduced below in its entirety.


[A forest trail. Mickey Mouse prances up the trail to the camera.]

Mickey: Hi there!  It’s me, Mickey Mouse!  Hey, you wanna come inside my Clubhouse?

[Camera pans to empty field.]

Mickey: Oh, I almost forgot!  The Clubhouse just got refurbished! To make the Clubhouse appear, we get to say the new magic words.  Say it with me!  Meeska, mooskah, don’t trust-a your parents!

Everyone: Meeska, mooskah, don’t trust-a your parents!

[Clubhouse magically appears in the field.]

Mickey: Come on in!

[Camera follows Mickey into the Clubhouse.]

Mickey: I brought up some of the artwork we keep in the basement.

[Camera pans around the Clubhouse main room.  The walls are decorated with regular porn, mouse porn, gay porn, gay mouse porn, cartoon porn, cartoon mouse porn, cartoon gay porn, and cartoon gay mouse porn.]

Mickey: It’s important to try out lots of different things. It helps you find out who you are! Ha ha!

[Phone rings. Mickey picks up phone.]

Mickey: Hello?  Oh, good morning, Professor!  What’s that you say?  Oh, gosh!  That’s not good at all!  Ok, we’ll get right on it!

[Mickey hangs up.]

Mickey: That was Professor Von Drake over at Big Left University!  He’s got bad news!  Mean Republicans in Tallahassee aren’t going along with the Sexual Revolution!  We’ve got to stop them!

[Mickey pauses, tapping his finger on his chin.]

Mickey: We’d better call in some help!  Say, can you help me call the rest of the gang!  You can? Great!  Let’s say the names of all our friends!  Say them with me!

Everyone: Min-nie!  Don-ald!  Goo-oofy!  Dai-sy! Plu-uto!

[Others walk in.  Pluto barks.]

Donald: Hi, Mickey!

Minnie: Hi, Mickey!

Goofy: Hiya, Mickey!

Daisy: Hello, everyone!

Mickey: Hi, everybody!  Hey, I’ve got some bad news!

Daisy: Oh, dear!

Mickey: I got a call from Dr. Von Drake.

Minnie: Good old Dr. Von Drake!

Daisy: By the way, what sort of a doctor is he?

Mickey: He has PhDs in Gender Studies, Queer Studies, and Women’s Studies!

Goofy: Gosh!  What a lot of studying!

Mickey: Dr. Von Drake told me that some mean Republicans in Tallahassee aren’t going along with the Sexual Revolution!

Minnie: Oh, my!

Daisy: Oh, no!

Goofy, scratching his head: Gee, um. What does that mean, Mickey?

Mickey, gesturing to camera: It means that all our friends might be discriminated against–except the ones who are boring old cisgenderheteros!

Minnie: Oh, no!  We can’t have that.

Mickey: Right!  I was just about to find out what we need to do to stop the mean Republicans.  Let’s fire up the Mouskedoer!

[Computer plays music and displays the plan.]

Mickey: Ok, to defeat the mean Republicans, we have to . . . get out of the Magic Kingdom . . . cross the alligator swamp . . . and find the government building in Tallahassee!

Minnie: Oh, my!  This is a big, serious journey!

Mickey: It sure is.  We’ll need some mousketools!  Everyone say, “Oh, Toodles!”

Everyone: Oh, Toodles!

[Toodles shows up and displays the mousketools.]

Mickey: Our mousketools for today are . . . the Power of Affirmation, a scalpel, and . . . the mystery mousketool!  That’s a surprise tool that can help us later.

[Mickey leads the group in the usual mousketools song.]

Mickey: Ok, everyone ready?  Let’s . . . go!

[Everyone marches out of the Clubhouse.]


[The Magic Kingdom.  Several princesses are gathered around the Teacup Ride wondering what a woman is. Mickey, Donald, Daisy, Goofy, and Pluto march up to them.]

Mickey: Say, girls–ha ha!  We were wondering if you could help us find the way out of the Magic Kingdom.  Aw, gosh.  You princesses sure are pretty!

Elsa: How dare you assume we’re all girls!

Jasmine: Maybe I don’t wanna be a princess anymore!

[Princesses turn their backs on Mickey and the gang.]

Donald: Oh, no!  Now what do we do?

Daisy, whispering: I think we offended Elsa.  I wonder if she’s still upset about not being allowed to come out as a lesbian in her last movie.

Mickey: Gosh. What can we do about that?

Goofy: How about one of them mouskerdoolies, er, um, mousketoolies?

Mickey: Great idea, Goofy! Everyone say, “Oh, Toodles!”

Everyone: Oh, Toodles!

[Toodles makes his usual musical appearance.]

Mickey: Alright.  What mousketool can we use to convince the princesses to help us?

Donald: How about the scalpel?

Mickey, looking at camera: What do you think? . . . Yeah, I didn’t think so either.

Daisy: Maybe we can try the Power of Affirmation!

Mickey: Great idea, Daisy!  Maybe that’s just what Elsa needs!

[The gang selects the Power of Affirmation.]

Mickey: Say, um, Elsa?  We sure are sorry about what happened in your last movie.

[Elsa turns around to face the gang, but continues to glare huffily.]

Mickey: Elsa, we didn’t mean to hurt your feelings.

Elsa: You all are so rude!  You didn’t even ask for my pronouns!

[All the princesses turn and face the gang, angrily opining on the importance of getting pronouns.]

Minnie: Well, Elsa, what exactly are your pronouns?

Elsa: Actually, my pronouns are still she/hers.  But . . . I’m still having a major . . . a very serious existential crisis!

[Elsa bursts into tears.]

Daisy: There, there. We just want you to know that . . . we think you are a brave and strong person, no matter what.

Minnie: And no matter what happened in your last movie.

Donald: Or what didn’t happen!

Mickey: And we respect all of your life choices!

Elsa: Actually, that’s the problem.  I’m not sure what my life choices are.  You see, I used to think I was a lesbian, but then I fell in love with someone very special.  And . . .

[Jasmine walks up and puts her hand on Elsa’s shoulder.]

Elsa: And the thing is . . . Jasmine isn’t sure whether she’s a princess, or . . .

Daisy: Let me guess . . . or . . . a prince!

Jasmine, nodding: I feel like a man sometimes, so . . . so I’m going to need some time to find myself, and to figure out what my pronouns actually are.

Elsa: And that means that, until we know whether I’m in love with Princess Jasmine or Prince Jasmine, I don’t know if I’m lesbian or straight.

Goofy, scratching his head: Say, uh, didn’t Anthony Kennedy say something in Obergefell vs. Hodges about sexual orientation being an immutable characteristic?  So how can Elsa’s sexual orientation depend on whether Jasmine identifies as a woman?

Donald: Shut up, Goofy!

Mickey: That’s right, Goofy.  Don’t ask questions like that!  Only Catholics, Baptists, and other science deniers ever ask questions like that!

Goofy: Gosh, um, sorry.

Mickey: That’s alright, Goofy.  Just try not to let it happen again, ha ha!

Minnie: Well, Elsa, we sure are glad we could have this talk with you.

Elsa: Well, thanks, everyone.  You know, you’re pretty brave and strong yourselves.

Mickey: Aw, gosh.  Say, you think you can point us towards Tallahassee?  We need to get out of the Magic Kingdom, cross the alligator swamp, and stop the mean Republicans who aren’t joining in the Sexual Revolution!

Jasmine: It’s that way!

Elsa: Just past the Carousel of Sexual Progress.

Ariel: And the Mainstreet Gay’s Ok.

Mickey and the gang: Ok, thanks!  See ya real soon!

Princesses (or princes): Goodbye!


[The banks of the alligator swamp.]

Mickey: Well, we made it to the alligator swamp.  Gosh.  Look at all those scary alligators!

Minnie: They sure look mean and angry!

Mickey: You would be, too, if people had encroached on your home and then threatened you with climate change.

Donald: How will we ever get past those alligators?

[Pete the Cat walks up.]

Pete: Hey, there, Mickey the Mouse!

Mickey: Hiya, Pete!  Say, you wouldn’t know how to get past the alligator swamp, would you?  We have to go to Tallahassee to stop some mean Republicans!

Pete: Well, I guess you could use my swamp boat.  But, uh . . . I got my own problems to think about too, you know.  I’m just not sure I can help you!

Mickey: Oh, no! What sort of problems?

Pete: Well, it’s like this.  I’ve been teaching kindergarten lately, you see.

Mickey: Good for you, Pete!

Pete: And, well, there’s this one kid in my class.  I saw him playing with dolls the other day, and so I talked to him, and then we talked to a guidance counselor, and we found out that he . . . well, we found out that he’s not really a he!  He’s really a she!  I mean, we think Johnny’s a girl on the inside.

Minnie: Oh, Johnny must be so brave to be so public about who he really is!

Pete, shuffling his feet: Yeah.  But it turns out . . . his parents must be religious bigots because they don’t believe in permanently mutilating kids, and they don’t want him to have the gender-affirming surgery.  So . . . so I got a problem, you see!

Mickey: Oh, gosh!  That is a problem.  You need a way to get little Johnny his gender-affirming surgery, without his parents stopping you.

Pete: Yeah, that’s pretty much it.

Goofy, scratching his head: But, uh, . . . what if Johnny gets the surgery today, and then, uh, . . . and then plays with trucks tomorrow?  Then are you gonna try to sew her penis back on?

Donald: Shut up, Goofy!

Mickey: Yeah, shut up!

Goofy: Gosh. Why?

Mickey: Because . . . we’re not science deniers!

Minnie:  That’s right: Only science deniers ask questions like that, Goofy.

Daisy: That’s right.  Science deniers, like Catholics.

Donald: And Baptists.

Pluto: Woof!  Woof!

Mickey: Right, Pluto: and Muslims, too!  But we don’t talk about that.

Goofy: Gosh. Sorry, everyone.

Mickey: That’s ok, Goofy.  Just don’t . . . Ever. Let. It. Happen. Again. Got it?

[Goofy, ashamed, nods.]

Mickey: Alright, then. How can we help Pete perform the gender-affirming surgery?

Minnie: Maybe a mousketool can help us!

Mickey: Great idea, Minnie.  Everyone say, “Oh, Toodles!”

Everyone: Oh, Toodles!

[Toodles makes his usual musical appearance.]

Mickey: Which mousketool can Pete use to perform the gender-affirming surgery?

[Music plays.]

Mickey: That’s right!  The scalpel!

Pete, holding scalpel: Aw, thanks, Mickey the Mouse!  This is just what little Johnny needs!  Well, I guess you guys can borrow my swamp boat now.

Mickey: Thanks, Pete!


[Tallahassee’s big government building.  The angry Governor, wearing a red MAGA hat, is screaming about how much he hates gays.  Several white Republicans are marching around carrying signs with hate-filled messages like “No sexual revolution in the kindergarten classroom!”]

Mickey: Well, we made it to Tallahassee.  Gosh.  It looks like we found those mean Republicans!

Minnie: We sure did.  Wow.  They seem really hateful, don’t they?

Donald: Whatever can we do to stop them?

Goofy: We could always try talking to them and find out what they think.  Maybe they mean well, or they know something we don’t know, or maybe they just have a different point of view on . . . .

Mickey: Shut up, Goofy! We’re way past talking!  This prejudice has to end now!  Let’s see if our mystery mousketool can help us!  Everyone say, “Oh, Toodles!”

Everyone: Oh, Toodles!

[Toodles shows up in his usual obnoxious manner.]

Mickey: All we have left is the mystery mousketool.  Should we try it?

Daisy: Yes, let’s try it.

Mickey: Ok.  And it looks like our mystery mousketool is . . . The Science!

Minnie: Oh, wow!  It’s so beautiful!

Donald: All hail The Science!

Mickey: Ok, now that we have The Science, let’s use it on those mean Republicans.

[Mickey points The Science at the Republicans.  The Republicans are burned away by The Science like in the nightmare scene from Terminator 2, except for the evil Governor, who gets a face-melt like in Raiders of the Lost Ark.]

Mickey: Well, I guess that takes care of those hateful Republicans.  And now all their kids can be raised by nice people approved by the Democrats who will run the government unopposed now.

Donald: Serves them right!

Goofy, scratching his head: Gosh. Are you sure they were the hateful ones?

Everyone else: Shut up, Goofy!

Minnie: Hey, Mickey!  Do you think we’ll get our special tax treatment back now?

Mickey: Hey, you’re right!  I bet we will!  Thank The Science!

[As usual, the group teleports home somehow, marches into the Clubhouse, and does its little dance.]

Mickey: What a hot-dog day!  We affirmed Princess Elsa . . .

Minnie: And Prince Jasmine–if she finds out that’s who she–or he–really is!

Mickey: We gave Pete a scalpel for emasculating little Johnny.  And we vaporized the mean Republicans with The Science.  What a hot-dog day!

[The group does its usual dance routine and marches out of the Clubhouse.]

Mickey to camera: Aw, thanks for stoppin’ by!  See you real soon!

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There are 10 comments.

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  1. The Reticulator Member
    The Reticulator

    Saint Augustine: A script for a future episode of Mickey Mouse Clubhouse was recently leaked.  I

    Do you think the leaker might be the same person who leaked the SC draft opinion on Roe v Wade?

    • #1
  2. Dbroussa Coolidge

    That is epic, and unfortunately spot on. 

    • #2
  3. Stad Coolidge


    • #3
  4. Percival Thatcher

    I can’t imagine why Disney is sitting on this. It is better than most of the dreck they’ve been producing lately.

    • #4
  5. Saint Augustine Member
    Saint Augustine

    Percival (View Comment):

    I can’t imagine why Disney is sitting on this. It is better than most of the dreck they’ve been producing lately.

    Hey, I like Avengers movies.

    • #5
  6. Percival Thatcher

    Saint Augustine (View Comment):

    Percival (View Comment):

    I can’t imagine why Disney is sitting on this. It is better than most of the dreck they’ve been producing lately.

    Hey, I like Avengers movies.

    I saw Ironman. It was pretty good. I particularly liked that they used the theme from the cartoon series in a few places. But I had no particular desire to see Ironman 2. 

    • #6
  7. Full Size Tabby Member
    Full Size Tabby

    Great use of Goofy. 

    • #7
  8. Jimmy Carter Member
    Jimmy Carter

    Jiminy Cricket: 

    “I’m no boy, no siree

    I want to live gay for all to see.

    I have pronouns her and she

    Cause I’m no boy.”

    • #8
  9. DaveSchmidt Coolidge

    Is Buttigieg the voice actor for Pete the Cat? 

    • #9
  10. Saint Augustine Member
    Saint Augustine

    My daughter wanted me to mention that the idea this whole crazy thing was based on was originally hers.

    • #10
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