It’s time for my annual California vacation, so I need to give you a quick heads-up about the Bates account.

I thought you had your vacation three months ago.

I did, but, tee-hee, we had a little accident, so. . .

So?

Well, you know this troglodyte state restricts women’s rights to twelve weeks, so I’ve got to go to California, to, you know, he-he-he.

Ohhh!  I see.

This company progressively supports a woman’s right to choose, so I get paid time off and a stipend to pay for transportation and, well, you know, he-he.

That’s cool.

And since California pays for, tee-hee, procedures for refugees from other states, I can use that part of the stipend for, you know, he-he-he.

Aren’t, you like, too sore after “the procedure?”

Nah.  It’s usually only for a couple of days, so I get it done at the end of the two weeks.  And if I call in sick a couple of days after I get back, who’s going to ding me for that?

It sounds like this has happened to you before.  Ohh, so that’s why you said annual California vacation.

Yeah, I’ve just had the worst luck, ha-ha.  Unfortunately, it’s happened every year I’ve worked here.

How much of a “stipend” do you get?

$4,000.  It pays for a lot of Margaritas and weed, tee-hee.

Wow!  That’s more than I got for my maternity leave.

Of course.  You know, they’re just giving you the minimum required by law.  Even when you get back from leave, the maternity doesn’t stop.  You can’t stay late because you have to pick the kid up from daycare.  You have to take more sick days to take care of it when it’s sick.  Weekends are right out.  Your kid’s a liability to the company.  Whereas with me, it’s one and done.

One and done per year.

Yeah, well we can’t help that.  As Jeff Goldblum says, “Life finds a way,” tee-hee.

I guess. . .You know, with a twelve-week window, you could have a biennial vacation.

Wow, you’re right!  I never thought of that!  Nah, let’s not get greedy.  You know what’s going to suck, though?

What?

Menopause.  Tee-hee.