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Top 9 Disney Rebrands for Earning Back Parents’ Trust
Parents form an important part of Disney’s customer base. Who knew? Apparently not Disney. Having said that, I’m glad to see that the Happiest Place On Earth is doing its part to reassure parents that Disney is again all about wholesome family-friendly entertainment rather than whatever gender ideology happens to be in vogue at any given moment.
Below are nine of Disney’s latest attempts to restore trust. Is Disney still captive to the more wild-eyed elements within its ranks? You decide.
The Matterporn
This Swiss-themed rollercoaster fan favorite has been renamed the Matterporn. While the Abominable Snowman remains, he has been renamed the Abominable Snowperson and is depicted grooming a kindergartener who has lost her way while ascending the mountain with her family. The glorification-of-pornography theme runs throughout and upon the ride’s conclusion parents may purchase photos of their terrified children taken mid-ride.
The Haunted Person-sion
After receiving complaints from no more than two employees, the Haunted Mansion has been renamed the Haunted Person-sion. In an email, a Disney Executive explained that “Our intention is to maintain the fun, spooky atmosphere of the Haunted Mxnsion without minimizing the amazing contributions of women throughout American history.” The two employees are now working to get Disney to revisit its copyright on classic 101 Dalmations and change it to 101 Pronouns.
Big Thunder Dildo
Self explanatory.
Snow White and the Seven Genders
Snow White and the Seven Dwarves undergoes a radical plot shift in this classic tale as our heroine undertakes a journey of identity in which she identifies as male, androgyne, nonbinary, cisgender, butch, gender expansive and gender outlaw. The film concludes with Snow White accruing a crushing debt pursuing a Master’s in English which is eventually forgiven in a cameo appearance by President Michelle Obama
Person-Of-Color Panther
The enormously successful film Black Panther has been “updated to reflect modern sensibilities” said one Disney executive, adding that he could foresee a return to Black Panther, but could not rule out future iterations such as Negro Panther or Colored Person Panther.
Sex Toy Story
This heartwarming tale of toys that come to life to help a young boy navigate the challenges of leaving early childhood behind is now a raunchy celebration of phalluses and sexual self-exploration. Disney has vowed to boycott any state which does not march children into theaters to watch.
The Lyin’ King
This new iteration of the Lion King endeavors to replace the patriarchy-reinforcing themes of the original with its father-knows-worst and meat-is-murder motifs.
Cindarello
Cinderella but a dude.
Grinding Nemo
This heartwarming tale of a fish who learns the importance of focus and family is now a celebration of hookup culture and having a short memory.
Published in Entertainment
Maybe to you…. Others might require some explanation.
Funny piece!
So, a movie about dildos and vibrators starring Woody and Buzz? Sounds like that’s what they had in mind all along.
Abominable? Abominable??? He’s just misunderstood.
Snowperson lives matter.
Something Disney could do – Jus’ spitballing’ here – is simply re-label all of their wholesome family-oriented franchises as horror and market them to the woke crowd as such.
“Justice-Involved Persons Who Through the Economic-Deprivation and Income-Inequality of Capitalism and Climate-Change Have Been Forced to Plunder of the Caribbean”
I knew this would be good when I saw the name of the post’s author . . .
BRAVO!
Clown fish do swap genders. So, Nemo’s dad could become his mom.
This is just too amazing a comment!
It’s actually likely, too, since the most dominant male in a group becomes female, and then the next most dominant male mates with her. So, the character Marlin would have been the next most dominant male to be mating with the female, and after she (Coral) died, he would have transitioned (Marlene, maybe?).
You’re making my head hurt . . .
Don’t encourage him.
This one seems risky to me as Columbia Pictures really beat them to the punch with this theme in Sausage Party.
Don’t they risk creating viewer fatigue for pornography themed children’s movies? Definitely a ballsy move for the Mouse.
Has anyone noticed the prior comment features a frank depiction of sex?
It’s actually based on an script written by Jada Pinkett’s grandmother.
The Mickey Mincedsoyprotein Club
Just the name “Woody” . . .