Top 9 Disney Rebrands for Earning Back Parents’ Trust

 

Parents form an important part of Disney’s customer base. Who knew? Apparently not Disney. Having said that, I’m glad to see that the Happiest Place On Earth is doing its part to reassure parents that Disney is again all about wholesome family-friendly entertainment rather than whatever gender ideology happens to be in vogue at any given moment.

Below are nine of Disney’s latest attempts to restore trust. Is Disney still captive to the more wild-eyed elements within its ranks? You decide.

The Matterporn 

This Swiss-themed rollercoaster fan favorite has been renamed the Matterporn. While the Abominable Snowman remains, he has been renamed the Abominable Snowperson and is depicted grooming a kindergartener who has lost her way while ascending the mountain with her family. The glorification-of-pornography theme runs throughout and upon the ride’s conclusion parents may purchase photos of their terrified children taken mid-ride.

The Haunted Person-sion

After receiving complaints from no more than two employees, the Haunted Mansion has been renamed the Haunted Person-sion. In an email, a Disney Executive explained that “Our intention is to maintain the fun, spooky atmosphere of the Haunted Mxnsion without minimizing the amazing contributions of women throughout American history.” The two employees are now working to get Disney to revisit its copyright on classic 101 Dalmations and change it to 101 Pronouns. 

Big Thunder Dildo

Self explanatory.

Snow White and the Seven Genders

Snow White and the Seven Dwarves undergoes a radical plot shift in this classic tale as our heroine undertakes a journey of identity in which she identifies as male, androgyne, nonbinary, cisgender, butch, gender expansive and gender outlaw. The film concludes with Snow White accruing a crushing debt pursuing a Master’s in English which is eventually forgiven in a cameo appearance by President Michelle Obama

Person-Of-Color Panther

The enormously successful film Black Panther has been “updated to reflect modern sensibilities” said one Disney executive, adding that he could foresee a return to Black Panther, but could not rule out future iterations such as Negro Panther or Colored Person Panther.

Sex Toy Story

This heartwarming tale of toys that come to life to help a young boy navigate the challenges of leaving early childhood behind is now a raunchy celebration of phalluses and sexual self-exploration. Disney has vowed to boycott any state which does not march children into theaters to watch.

The Lyin’ King

This new iteration of the Lion King endeavors to replace the patriarchy-reinforcing themes of the original with its father-knows-worst and meat-is-murder motifs. 

Cindarello

Cinderella but a dude.

Grinding Nemo

This heartwarming tale of a fish who learns the importance of focus and family is now a celebration of hookup culture and having a short memory.

Published in Entertainment
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There are 16 comments.

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  1. Franco Member
    Franco
    @Franco

    Big Thunder Dildo

    Self explanatory.

     

    Maybe to you…. Others might require some explanation. 

    Funny piece!

    • #1
  2. Vance Richards Member
    Vance Richards
    @VanceRichards

    David Deeble:

    Sex Toy Story

    This heartwarming tale of toys which come to life to help a young boy navigate the challenges of leaving early childhood behind is now a raunchy celebration of dildoes and sexual self exploration. Disney has vowed boycott any state which does not march children into theaters to watch.

    So, a movie about dildos and vibrators starring Woody and Buzz? Sounds like that’s what they had in mind all along.

    • #2
  3. Percival Thatcher
    Percival
    @Percival

    David Deeble:

    The Matterporn 

    This Swiss-themed rollercoaster fan favorite has been renamed the Matterporn. While the Abominable Snowman remains, he has been renamed the Abominable Snowperson and is depicted grooming a kindergartener who has lost her way while ascending the mountain with her family. The glorification-of-pornography theme runs throughout and upon the ride’s conclusion parents my purchase photos of their terrified children taken mid-ride.

    Abominable? Abominable??? He’s just misunderstood.

    Snowperson lives matter.

    • #3
  4. Franco Member
    Franco
    @Franco

    Something Disney could do – Jus’ spitballing’  here – is simply re-label all of their wholesome family-oriented franchises as horror and market them to the woke crowd as such.

     

    • #4
  5. Addiction Is A Choice Member
    Addiction Is A Choice
    @AddictionIsAChoice

    “Justice-Involved Persons Who Through the Economic-Deprivation and Income-Inequality of Capitalism and Climate-Change Have Been Forced to Plunder of the Caribbean”

    • #5
  6. Stad Coolidge
    Stad
    @Stad

    I knew this would be good when I saw the name of the post’s author . . .

    BRAVO!

    • #6
  7. Arahant Member
    Arahant
    @Arahant

    David Deeble:

    Grinding Nemo

    This heartwarming tale of a fish who learns the importance of focus and family is now a celebration of hookup culture and having a short memory.

    Clown fish do swap genders. So, Nemo’s dad could become his mom.

    • #7
  8. Franco Member
    Franco
    @Franco

    Arahant (View Comment):

    David Deeble:

    Grinding Nemo

    This heartwarming tale of a fish who learns the importance of focus and family is now a celebration of hookup culture and having a short memory.

    Clown fish do swap genders. So, Nemo’s dad could become his mom.

    This is just too amazing a comment!

    • #8
  9. Arahant Member
    Arahant
    @Arahant

    Franco (View Comment):

    This is just too amazing a comment!

    It’s actually likely, too, since the most dominant male in a group becomes female, and then the next most dominant male mates with her. So, the character Marlin would have been the next most dominant male to be mating with the female, and after she (Coral) died, he would have transitioned (Marlene, maybe?).

    • #9
  10. Stad Coolidge
    Stad
    @Stad

    Arahant (View Comment):

    Franco (View Comment):

    This is just too amazing a comment!

    It’s actually likely, too, since the most dominant male in a group becomes female, and then the next most dominant male mates with her. So, the character Marlin would have been the next most dominant male to be mating with the female, and after she (Coral) died, he would have transitioned (Marlene, maybe?).

    You’re making my head hurt . . .

    • #10
  11. Sisyphus Member
    Sisyphus
    @Sisyphus

    Stad (View Comment):

    Arahant (View Comment):

    Franco (View Comment):

    This is just too amazing a comment!

    It’s actually likely, too, since the most dominant male in a group becomes female, and then the next most dominant male mates with her. So, the character Marlin would have been the next most dominant male to be mating with the female, and after she (Coral) died, he would have transitioned (Marlene, maybe?).

    You’re making my head hurt . . .

    Don’t encourage him.

    • #11
  12. Roberto Member
    Roberto
    @Roberto

    David Deeble:

    Sex Toy Story

    This heartwarming tale of toys that come to life to help a young boy navigate the challenges of leaving early childhood behind is now a raunchy celebration of phalluses and sexual self-exploration. Disney has vowed to boycott any state which does not march children into theaters to watch.

    This one seems risky to me as Columbia Pictures really beat them to the punch with this theme in Sausage Party.

    Don’t they risk creating viewer fatigue for pornography themed children’s movies? Definitely a ballsy move for the Mouse.

    • #12
  13. Stad Coolidge
    Stad
    @Stad

    Roberto (View Comment):

    David Deeble:

    Sex Toy Story

    This heartwarming tale of toys that come to life to help a young boy navigate the challenges of leaving early childhood behind is now a raunchy celebration of phalluses and sexual self-exploration. Disney has vowed to boycott any state which does not march children into theaters to watch.

    This one seems risky to me as Columbia Pictures really beat them to the punch with this theme in Sausage Party.

    Don’t they risk creating viewer fatigue for pornography themed children’s movies? Definitely a ballsy move for the Mouse.

     

    Has anyone noticed the prior comment features a frank depiction of sex?

    • #13
  14. kylez Member
    kylez
    @kylez

    Vance Richards (View Comment):

    David Deeble:

    Sex Toy Story

    This heartwarming tale of toys which come to life to help a young boy navigate the challenges of leaving early childhood behind is now a raunchy celebration of dildoes and sexual self exploration. Disney has vowed boycott any state which does not march children into theaters to watch.

    So, a movie about dildos and vibrators starring Woody and Buzz? Sounds like that’s what they had in mind all along.

    It’s actually based on an script written by Jada Pinkett’s grandmother.

    • #14
  15. Jim Kearney Contributor
    Jim Kearney
    @JimKearney

    The Mickey Mincedsoyprotein Club

    • #15
  16. Stad Coolidge
    Stad
    @Stad

    kylez (View Comment):

    Vance Richards (View Comment):

    David Deeble:

    Sex Toy Story

    This heartwarming tale of toys which come to life to help a young boy navigate the challenges of leaving early childhood behind is now a raunchy celebration of dildoes and sexual self exploration. Disney has vowed boycott any state which does not march children into theaters to watch.

    So, a movie about dildos and vibrators starring Woody and Buzz? Sounds like that’s what they had in mind all along.

    It’s actually based on an script written by Jada Pinkett’s grandmother.

    Just the name “Woody” . . .

    • #16
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