Modern Psychiatry

 

Dr. Moreau:  I’m sorry I’m late, Ms. Dawes, I kept getting the “cannot connect to server” message on Zoom.

Ms. Dawes:   It’s good you were finally able to log on, we have a full caseload this morning.

Dr. Moreau:  Okay, let’s get started.  Hello, welcome to the Community Remote Adolescent Psychiatric Service.  I’m Dr. Josef Moreau.  How can I help you?

Patient #1:  I’M TRANS!!!  IF YOU DON’T LET ME TRANSITION, I’LL KILL MYSELF!!!

Dr. Moreau:  Now, now, no need to panic.  I’ll send a prescription to your pharmacy, start the medication immediately.

Patient #2:  I was abused by my uncle for years until he got sent to prison.  Now I want to be in a relationship, but the thought of being touched by a boy repulses me.

Dr. Moreau:  You’re transgender.  I’ll send a prescription to your pharmacy, start the medication immediately.

Patient #3:  I just got cut from the track team, and I’m feeling a lot of stress.  The other guys all call me “slowpoke” and I can’t go to parties without being teased.  It’s so unfair.  I’m still faster than anyone on the girls track team.  How come they have it so easy?  If I was a girl, I’d be a champion!  It’s so unfair.

Dr. Moreau:  You’re transgender.  I’ll send a prescription to your pharmacy, start the medication immediately.

Patient #4:  Someone made a bet and I kissed another girl and, and I kinda’ liked it.  I’m not gay!  I’m not in love with her or anything, I don’t even know her name but it felt so good, she was like wearing cherry lip balm and it tasted so good and her lips were so soft, but it’s not what good girls do, I’m soooo confused.  It’s innocent, it was just a bet, it felt so wrong but it felt so right, you know? I have a boyfriend!  I don’t what he’d think if he found out.   It’s no big deal, right, kissing another girl and liking it?

Dr. Moreau:  You’re transgender, I’m sending a prescription to your pharmacy, start the medications immediately.

Patient #5:  My son is eight and he adored his big sister.  She…she died last year.  Of leukemia.  And he’s been devastated.  He’s not eating much, and doesn’t want to do anything.  Then he started  sleeping in her bed with her stuffed animals, and yesterday I caught him wearing one of her dresses.

Dr. Moreau:  He’s transgender.  I’m sending a prescription to your pharmacy, start him on the medication at once.

Patient #6:    I’ve always had trouble fitting in, I’d rather just sit in a corner reading than talking to people.  I overheard some of the teachers talking and one of them said “he’s so spectrumy,” whatever that means.  I feel so alone and depressed all the time.  I wish I was popular.  You know, all the trans kids are popular, maybe if I came out as a girl, my life would be better.

Dr. Moreau:  I’ll get you started.  I’m sending a prescription to your pharmacy, begin taking the medication as soon as you can.

Patient #7:  Yesterday, in Drama Club. . .

Dr. Moreau:  You’re transgender. I’ll send a prescription to your pharmacy, start the medication at once.

Patient #8:  My two best friends are trans and they seem to be having so much fun.  They show me all these cool Tik-Toks and YouTube videos and everyone seems so happy.  I always feel depressed and anxious.  So I was thinking about being trans too.  But then I saw this one YouTuber and he said all you have to do is say “if you don’t let me transition, I’ll kill myself,” whether you’re suicidal or not.  I mean, if it’s so great, why do we have to lie?

Dr. Moreau:  I have a medical degree and years of training and experience.  Do you think I can be fooled that easily?

Patient #8:  I…I guess not.

Dr. Moreau:  Are you suicidal?

Patient #8:  No!  Well…I guess.   A little bit.  I don’t know.  I’m so confused.

Dr. Moreau:  Would you like to be happy like your friends?

Patient #8:  Yes, of course!

Dr. Moreau:  I’ll send a prescription to your pharmacy.  Start the medication immediately.

Dr. Moreau:  Whew!  That last one was hard.   Well, that was a pretty busy morning.  I’m off to lunch.  See you at 1:30.

Ms. Dawes:  Dr. Moreau, I have one last patient, he just called in.  It sounds like an emergency.

Dr. Moreau:  Ugh, okay, it’s already 10, but I guess I can make an exception for an emergency.

Dr. Moreau:  Hello, welcome to the Community Remote Adolescent Psychiatric Service.  I’m Dr. Josef Moreau.  How can I help you?

Patient #9:  I’m so panicked!  I don’t know who I am.  I never felt any attraction to girls so I just assumed I was gay.  But I went out on a date with a guy and…nothing.  I just feel like I’m some sort of freak.  What’s going on with me?

Dr. Moreau:  You’re obviously transgender.  I’ll send a prescription to your pharmacy.  Start the medication immediately.

Patient #9:  Is this going to be expensive?  I don’t think my parents’ insurance covers that sort of thing.

Dr. Moreau:  Hold on a minute, I’m going to put you on mute.

Dr.  Moreau:  Ms. Dawes!!!  How many times have I told you?  Confirm the insurance before you connect the patient!  How do you expect us to get paid?

Published in Humor
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There are 5 comments.

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  1. Arahant Member
    Arahant
    @Arahant

    Explains a lot.

    • #1
  2. Caryn Thatcher
    Caryn
    @Caryn

    Nicely played, JP.  Very nicely, indeed.

    • #2
  3. The Reticulator Member
    The Reticulator
    @TheReticulator

    Well, if they’re just doing it for the money then it isn’t so bad. 

    • #3
  4. Vance Richards Member
    Vance Richards
    @VanceRichards

    Yeah, looking for pharmaceutical solutions and more interested in masking symptoms than dealing with the underlying cause. Psychiatrists certainly have their place, but I think in a lot of cases, working things through with a therapist might be the better way to go.

    • #4
  5. The Reticulator Member
    The Reticulator
    @TheReticulator

    I dunno.  It seems that patient #7 made a compelling case. 

    • #5
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