Life Among the Lilliputians

 

According to an old joke, there are three types of male nurses:

  • Gay
  • Guys who are on the job to pick up girls
  • Dumb muscle

The last time I checked, I’m not gay. I have a wife and three daughters, so I’ve picked up all the girls I need. As for the last…

When I was about to graduate from nursing school, I went to a job fair being held in a large auditorium.  A nurse manager walked all the way across the room to introduce herself to me, saying “I saw you and said to myself, ‘There’s someone who wants to be an orthopedic nurse.'” I politely took her card, but oh, hell no.  After being a cop for 22 years, I had enough back problems.

Instead, I got a job at a brand-new children’s hospital. I was in a coterie of about 30 new nurses who were starting their careers. In the group photograph after we completed our orientation, I stuck out like a sore thumb. I was the oldest by at least 20 years, the tallest by six inches, the heaviest by 50 pounds and I was the only male. And, of course, I was mistaken for a doctor the first day on the floor, just as I had been as a student on my first day of clinicals.

After 15 years, I would hope that I’ve developed some valuable skills making me an asset to the department. A good deal of the time, though, I’m asked to use my expertise at being tall and strong.

Strolling down the hallway last night, I saw two of my colleagues attempting to weigh a patient with an injured leg.  “Can you stand on your good leg?”  An emphatic “NO.”  They seemed at a loss as to what to do next.  I stepped in, told the tech to support the injured leg, and picked the child up.  After all, he only weighed about 50 kilos.  I stood on the scale to get our combined  weights, placed the patient on the bed, then got back on the scale so I could record just my weight.  I left it up to the other nurse to do the math.

The previous day, another RN came up to me and said “Jose, Jose, they need you in room 29.”  I rushed to the room.  There was a doctor, a nurse, and a tech in the room to do a procedure.  None of them was tall enough to reach the pull-down exam light from the ceiling.

Toward the end of my shift last night, I went into a darkened room to make the bed.  I immediately wanged my head on the handle of the exam light in the room.  Apparently someone had gotten tired of calling me every time they needed the light, and left it within easy reach (for them).  The charge nurse heard the clang and came in the room.

“What happened?  Are you OK?”

“I’m fine.  It’s not a vital body part.”

“What year is it?”

“This year.”

“I’m serious.  What year is it?”

“You don’t know?  Are you a time traveller?  What year are you from?”

“Alright smartass. If you have a skull fracture, don’t come crying to me.”

“I’m fine.  It takes a lot more than that to get through my thick skull.”

Awhile later, I was about go home.  I walked up to the charge and said “2022.”

“What?”

“2022.”

“Oh, the year.  Well, it took you long enough.”

“I’m just messing with you.  I’ll be fine.  Though if I pull a Bob Saget, make a donation to the animal shelter in lieu of flowers.”

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  1. Susan Quinn Contributor
    Susan Quinn
    @SusanQuinn

    Too funny! Well, with your wonderful writing, Jose, you’ve proven you’re more than dumb muscle!

    • #1
  2. JosePluma, Local Man of Mystery Coolidge
    JosePluma, Local Man of Mystery
    @JosePluma

    And, thankfully, I haven’t been asked to put out any fires. 

    • #2
  3. Arahant Member
    Arahant
    @Arahant

    Don’t forget the part about pretty dumb muscle. 😆

    That reminds what Michael Crawford reported about being hired by Gene Kelly.

    Gene Kelly said, “Michael, this part calls for a beautiful idiot. My wife says you’re beautiful, and I say you’re an idiot, so you’ve got the job.”

    • #3
  4. Mad Gerald Coolidge
    Mad Gerald
    @Jose

    I have been sometimes amazed at the tiny women I see working as nurses, especially in the behavioral health environment.  Occasionally patient care simply requires physical strength.

    • #4
  5. Douglas Pratt Coolidge
    Douglas Pratt
    @DouglasPratt

    As a tall person, I live by a simple rule: don’t mess with short people. They hit lower.

    • #5
  6. TheRightNurse Member
    TheRightNurse
    @TheRightNurse

    JosePluma, Local Man of Mystery: I stood on the scale to get our combined  weights, placed the patient on the bed, then got back on the scale so I could record just my weight.  I left it up to the other nurse to do the math.

    Do you not have bed scales?  Put the patient in a chair, zero the bed, put ’em back in it.  Record the weight.  It’s not rocket science.

    • #6
  7. JosePluma, Local Man of Mystery Coolidge
    JosePluma, Local Man of Mystery
    @JosePluma

    TheRightNurse (View Comment):

    JosePluma, Local Man of Mystery: I stood on the scale to get our combined weights, placed the patient on the bed, then got back on the scale so I could record just my weight. I left it up to the other nurse to do the math.

    Do you not have bed scales? Put the patient in a chair, zero the bed, put ’em back in it. Record the weight. It’s not rocket science.

    We’ve got two-in the trauma rooms only. 

    • #7
  8. Franco Member
    Franco
    @Franco

     Excellent! 

    The dialogue is worthy of a (good) rom- com

     

    • #8
  9. Mark Camp Member
    Mark Camp
    @MarkCamp

    Susan Quinn (View Comment):

    Too funny! Well, with your wonderful writing, Jose, you’ve proven you’re more than dumb muscle!

    Those were the words of an honest and kind (but clever) woman.

    • #9
  10. Western Chauvinist Member
    Western Chauvinist
    @WesternChauvinist

    All y’all tall people are very helpful to us petite ones at the grocery store, too. Just sought and received help last week. Thank you!

    • #10
  11. Franco Member
    Franco
    @Franco

    JosePluma, Local Man of Mystery: I rushed to the room.  There was a doctor, a nurse, and a tech in the room to do a procedure.  None of them was tall enough to reach the pull-down exam light from the ceiling.

    Douglas Pratt (View Comment):

    As a tall person, I live by a simple rule: don’t mess with short people. They hit lower.

    This is enough inspiration for me to finally clean up my draft , “You’re Tall” having to do with being tall, stilt walking, and several jokes. I just need to clean it up and I’ll post it . Only on the member feed though.

    • #11
  12. MarciN Member
    MarciN
    @MarciN

    At my former house, my neighbors had three boys. The first two were model citizens and perfect people. The third one had a tiny bit of an anger issue that came to the surface every once in a great long while.

    When he was a junior in high school, his girlfriend broke up with him. He got mad and kicked a big dent in a local vending machine. :-) Poor kid. Police were called. He had to appear in court. The judge gave him 60 hours of community service. He was assigned to a local daycare center.

    The teachers and the tiny children adored him. Their favorite activity was asking Scott to be a tree. He would hold out his arms, and they would dangle from them.

    The teachers were really sad to him go. He made the children laugh every day. :-) He could play so many games that the teachers couldn’t. :-)

    • #12
  13. Judge Mental Member
    Judge Mental
    @JudgeMental

    MarciN (View Comment):

    At my former house, my neighbors had three boys. The first two were model citizens and perfect people. The third one had a tiny bit of an anger issue that came to the surface every once in a great long while.

    When he was a junior in high school, his girlfriend broke up with him. He got mad and kicked a big dent in a local vending machine. :-) Poor kid. Police were called. He had to appear in court. The judge gave him 60 hours of community service. He was assigned to a local daycare center.

    The teachers and the tiny children adored him. Their favorite activity was asking Scott to be a tree. He would hold out his arms, and they would dangle from them.

    The teachers were really sad to him go. He made the children laugh every day. :-) He could play so many games that the teachers couldn’t. :-)

    When I was that age I was a ring bearer in my cousin’s wedding.  What I remember best is being held up in the air by some of the groomsmen, straight-armed, with one hand in my midsection.

    • #13
  14. Jimmy Carter Member
    Jimmy Carter
    @JimmyCarter

    JosePluma, Local Man of Mystery: 50 kilos

    Commie. 

    • #14
  15. Mark Camp Member
    Mark Camp
    @MarkCamp

    Jimmy Carter (View Comment):

    JosePluma, Local Man of Mystery: 50 kilos

    Commie.

    Advanced thinker.

    • #15
  16. Mark Camp Member
    Mark Camp
    @MarkCamp

    Jimmy Carter (View Comment):

    JosePluma, Local Man of Mystery: 50 kilos

    Commie.

    I concede that ounces would have the advantage of flexibility, with four different meanings. And you can do many of the conversions in your head just by shifting the decimal point, as long as you are using binary numbers.

    • #16
  17. navyjag Coolidge
    navyjag
    @navyjag

    A cop? A nurse who knows how to save people? A big strong guy? Why aren’t you in the Reacher movies? And you were probably Army. 

    • #17
  18. JosePluma, Local Man of Mystery Coolidge
    JosePluma, Local Man of Mystery
    @JosePluma

    navyjag (View Comment):

    A cop? A nurse who knows how to save people? A big strong guy? Why aren’t you in the Reacher movies? And you were probably Army.

    Bingo, but only because the naval academy rejected me due to my eyesight. 

    • #18
  19. navyjag Coolidge
    navyjag
    @navyjag

    JosePluma, Local Man of Mystery (View Comment):

    navyjag (View Comment):

    A cop? A nurse who knows how to save people? A big strong guy? Why aren’t you in the Reacher movies? And you were probably Army.

    Bingo, but only because the naval academy rejected me due to my eyesight.

    Not that I ever thought about the Naval Academy (NROTC draft dodger) but I thought only the Air Force Academy rejected candidates with less than pilot criteria eyesight.  Saw lots of Navy officers with average vision driving big ships.  Were you infantry? Probably needed some good eye sight there. 

    • #19
  20. JosePluma, Local Man of Mystery Coolidge
    JosePluma, Local Man of Mystery
    @JosePluma

    navyjag (View Comment):

    JosePluma, Local Man of Mystery (View Comment):

    navyjag (View Comment):

    A cop? A nurse who knows how to save people? A big strong guy? Why aren’t you in the Reacher movies? And you were probably Army.

    Bingo, but only because the naval academy rejected me due to my eyesight.

    Not that I ever thought about the Naval Academy (NROTC draft dodger) but I thought only the Air Force Academy rejected candidates with less than pilot criteria eyesight. Saw lots of Navy officers with average vision driving big ships. Were you infantry? Probably needed some good eye sight there.

    ADA.  Duster platoon leader. Protected the country from Migs and Hinds with WWII equipment.  And ammunition. The last time I went to the range, the boxes of 40mm were labeled “USS Missouri 1945.”  I didn’t actually shoot any of the guns myself, but my platoon never hit a single target.

    I’m not perfect enough to play Reacher. (Look up the review by @drbastiat )

    • #20
  21. Annefy Member
    Annefy
    @Annefy

    Western Chauvinist (View Comment):

    All y’all tall people are very helpful to us petite ones at the grocery store, too. Just sought and received help last week. Thank you!

    One of my favorite kids sends this to me often

    • #21
  22. Western Chauvinist Member
    Western Chauvinist
    @WesternChauvinist

    Annefy (View Comment):

    Western Chauvinist (View Comment):

    All y’all tall people are very helpful to us petite ones at the grocery store, too. Just sought and received help last week. Thank you!

    One of my favorite kids sends this to me often

    Hahahaa! Love it, Anne! 

    I only climb on mine to wash the window behind my sink, though. Otherwise, I’ve arranged my kitchen to be mostly reachable with only an occasional call for the step stool. 

    At the grocery, I mostly comply with the signs to ask for help and not climb on the shelves. I’m obedient that way. Mostly. 

    • #22
  23. Susan Quinn Contributor
    Susan Quinn
    @SusanQuinn

    Western Chauvinist (View Comment):
    I only climb on mine to wash the window behind my sink, though

    I have that window, too! I should probably get knee pads to reach the far corner!

    • #23
  24. Annefy Member
    Annefy
    @Annefy

    Western Chauvinist (View Comment):

    Annefy (View Comment):

    Western Chauvinist (View Comment):

    All y’all tall people are very helpful to us petite ones at the grocery store, too. Just sought and received help last week. Thank you!

    One of my favorite kids sends this to me often

    Hahahaa! Love it, Anne!

    I only climb on mine to wash the window behind my sink, though. Otherwise, I’ve arranged my kitchen to be mostly reachable with only an occasional call for the step stool.

    At the grocery, I mostly comply with the signs to ask for help and not climb on the shelves. I’m obedient that way. Mostly.

    What is this weird “wash the window” of which you speak??? (it’s up to the people of this house to clean that part of the window impeding their vision)

    JY does most of the grocery shopping – for which I’m eternally grateful – and puts the groceries away. It’s an ongoing battle where I claim he purposefully puts things I need beyond my reach. He claims that that’s going to happen unless he leaves everything on the kitchen floor 

    My new kitchen has counters too high for me to easily jump on; my latest trick is to use one of my grand daughters’ small step stools combined with kitchen tongs. 

    • #24
  25. Susan Quinn Contributor
    Susan Quinn
    @SusanQuinn

    Annefy (View Comment):
    My new kitchen has counters too high for me to easily jump on; my latest trick is to use one of my grand daughters’ small step stools combined with kitchen tongs. 

    I misspoke! My cleaning person can’t reach the counter next to the window with a far corner, so periodically I leap up there to clean the entire counter.  Washing windowss–yech!

    • #25
  26. Mark Camp Member
    Mark Camp
    @MarkCamp

    Annefy (View Comment):
    What is this weird “wash the window” of which you speak??? (it’s up to the people of this house to clean that part of the window impeding their vision)

    Now, that’s funny.  LOL funny, and these days I’m more apt to cry than to laugh.

    • #26
  27. Metalheaddoc Member
    Metalheaddoc
    @Metalheaddoc

    Have you ever thought of suing your employer and educational institution? Clearly there is rampant systemic sexism and misandry if you are the only male nurse. Why is the nursing industrial complex conspiring to keep men down? 

    • #27
  28. Mark Camp Member
    Mark Camp
    @MarkCamp

    Metalheaddoc (View Comment):

    Have you ever thought of suing your employer and educational institution? Clearly there is rampant systemic sexism and misandry if you are the only male nurse. Why is the nursing industrial complex conspiring to keep men down?

    Real men nurses don’t sue. They just pick up people whom real women nurses can’t pick up who need picking up.

    • #28
  29. Arahant Member
    Arahant
    @Arahant

    Annefy (View Comment):
    It’s an ongoing battle where I claim he purposefully puts things I need beyond my reach. He claims that that’s going to happen unless he leaves everything on the kitchen floor 

    🤣

    • #29
  30. JustmeinAZ Member
    JustmeinAZ
    @JustmeinAZ

    Susan Quinn (View Comment):

    Annefy (View Comment):
    My new kitchen has counters too high for me to easily jump on; my latest trick is to use one of my grand daughters’ small step stools combined with kitchen tongs.

    I misspoke! My cleaning person can’t reach the counter next to the window with a far corner, so periodically I leap up there to clean the entire counter. Washing windowss–yech!

    What?!  My cleaning lady hustles out to the garage and brings in the ladder.

    • #30
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