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CNN: An Intervention Letter
Dear CNN,
We are writing this letter because we care about you and are greatly concerned for your well-being. We haven’t forgotten your remarkable coverage of the first Gulf War. Good times! We also remember all those times you burnished your reputation for objectivity by bringing powerful non-Democrats to account.
At the same time, we have noticed that the last several years have been difficult for you and your viewers (if any.) Times have been tough, we “get it.” Events over the last few years seem to have evolved so quickly and radically that it’s hard to keep up. One minute you’re delivering hard-hitting, 24-7 coverage about missing Malaysian Airlines’ flight 370, and the next thing you know your own president is stepping down for having an affair with an underling during the investigation into one of your anchors for waging a smear campaign against the accusers of his disgraced brother.
Men! Am I right?
Having said this, we all know that you have transitioned into fake news since around 2016. Media consumers who can identify fake news say it would be very difficult for you to stop on your own. We know about how fake news makes networks feel and look, and we’ve seen that look on your anchors’ faces many times. Your very public self-immolation is embarrassing, reputation-destroying and painful to watch: your seamless transition from promoting Donald Trump in the Republican primary to paying the bills with fake news about him colluding with Russia; your continued professional relationship with Jeffrey Toobin, a man so revolting that even the New Yorker won’t work with him; Don Lemon’s hysterical laughter as Lincoln Project co-founder Rick Wilson mocks Trump supporters, saying “Y’all elitists is dumb” with your “math and your readin’.”
Not long ago, in a news report depicting a building engulfed in flames during the Kenosha unrest, we saw how you chose a video caption that read “Fiery But Mostly Peaceful Protests After Police Shooting.” That made us worry. We really don’t want you to have to issue another retraction like the one you issued for your Trump-addled hit-piece connecting Anthony Scaramucci to a $10 billion Russian investment fund. This, and many other reasons, is why Americans find it so difficult to pass a garbage fire without hearing James Earl Jones say “This… is CNN.”
We know the rap sheet above is as painful as it is incomplete. They may serve as a reminder as to why even hellholes such as American airports no longer shove your network down the throats of travelers. We bring them up not to cause you pain but to help bring you clarity which, we hope, will undo the neurotic, good-enough-for-CNN reputation you have developed and help you tap into the vast market for objective, fact-based news.
This is why we are calling on you to take a week off from broadcasting beginning on Monday, February 7, beginning at noon, Eastern Standard Time, and spend that week contemplating whether the good and necessary work of truth-telling is something you really want to be involved in.
If you choose not to do so, we are not going to protect you anymore. When your boss calls and asks why Don Lemon is speculating on tv about Malaysian Airlines flight 370 being sucked into a black hole, we’re going to tell the truth. When your correspondent Ashleigh Banfield pretends to hold a “satellite” interview with Nancy Grace when in fact both crazy old bats are sitting in the same Phoenix parking lot, we won’t cover for you. When Carol Costello reports on the audio release of Bristol Palin being assaulted by a man at a get-together in Alaska and laughs, calling it “quite possibly the best minute and half of audio we’ve ever come across,” we’ll “pounce.”
But it doesn’t have to be this way. You can get help. Fake news is 100 percent avoidable. Will you accept our offer and get help? We hope so.
Sincerely,
Walter Duranty
Brilliant, and that signature was the best. (If only.)
I struggled with the ending. ;)
Brilliant! Worth it for this line
Thanks for making me aware of the typo, Dbroussa: I fixed it. ;)
I didn’t even notice that. LOL
The new guy that is the biggest owner of the entity buying CNN, thinks it should become a serious journalist endeavor. He was going to clean house anyway, but now there is nobody to protect all the fools that Zucker accumulated. Buh-bye!
Quotes by John Malone:
speaking of CNN, did you hear that the J6 Committee freaked out, when Zucker resigned? Apparently they are worried about their propaganda outlet.
Powerline has picked this up. As is right and just.
I dissent. CNN deserves no charity, no benefit of any doubt, no more second chance for the hundredth time.
I saw the writing on the wall when Bernard Shaw reported in a whisper from Baghdad during Gulf War I, while hiding under his bed in a Baghdad hotel room.
What can I say, I was following intervention letter guidelines. ;)
That’s a wonderful post!
Maybe they will help bring back Trump?
Hilarious. Now if we just had a recurring show on UTube called “Fake News Central” like a televised Babylon Bee. Dump on the fake new idiots of the day. Since it is almost NCAA basketball tournament time what about a final 64 of the most fake news moderators: Rachel M. , Potato Head, Lemon, absurd NY Times and Washington Post writers. Put them up against each other for votes on who wins and goes to the next round. Betting Maddow would win alone on the Russian hoax. But Avenetti’s pals would probably by in the final 4.
Thanks, David!
You bet, @hartmannvonaue!
The state of the art coverage of the CNN train wreck is the Friday Megyn Kelly podcast.