Today’s Random Thought

 

A memory struck me today. A memory of a fear I used to have. I don’t have it anymore. Perhaps I have outgrown it? Perhaps I have accepted it? I don’t really know. The me who had this fear would know, but that’s part and parcel of youth.

This was a fear that I carried with me through much of my early to mid 20s. It would recur occasionally through my late 20s, but now, in my mid 40s, I’ve never even thought of or even remembered it until today.

The fear, I had literal nightmares of this fear. Thoughts of this scenario would penetrate my thoughts in idle moments or times of self-reflection. Today, as this memory returned to me unprompted, I could clearly see myself, a younger, heavier version of myself, walking down a tree-lined street in a city I haven’t lived in for 15 years, having to brace myself because of the fear worming its way into my thoughts as I walked from my office to a grocery store to buy snacks to watch that Saturday afternoon’s football games.

The fear was that I would somehow suffer an injury from which I would completely recover physically. However, the injury would take away my intelligence. And still, however, it would leave me with a full memory of having had intelligence.

It’s an odd memory to have today as I think of the figurative fog I feel like I have been living in recently. How I have to force myself to concentrate on all but the most mundane tasks at work. How it is physically tiring to concentrate on anything remotely complex and interconnected these days.

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  1. Annefy Member
    Annefy
    @Annefy

    How strange that you would bring this up. A few days ago my family discussed Flowers for Algernon (Charlie was the name of the movie)

    We all agreed that the saddest part is when he was losing his recently acquired intelligence and was aware, and could remember being smart.

    • #1
  2. Victor Tango Kilo Member
    Victor Tango Kilo
    @VtheK

    IDK if this is the correct response to the post, but it triggers a memory of a personal irrational fear. It’s a fear I first had when I was a child, taking the ferry to Mackinac Island with my parents. I was gripped by a fear that I would have an irresistible urge to throw my wallet over the side of the boat. That fear has periodically arisen again in situations where I could throw away my wallet irretrievably… on the edge of the Grand Canyon, walking the colonnade in Abu Dhabi, walking next to Niagara Falls. I have no idea what psychologist would make of it. 

    • #2
  3. Steven Galanis Coolidge
    Steven Galanis
    @Steven Galanis

    Victor Tango Kilo (View Comment):

    IDK if this is the correct response to the post, but it triggers a memory of a personal irrational fear. It’s a fear I first had when I was a child, taking the ferry to Mackinac Island with my parents. I was gripped by a fear that I would have an irresistible urge to throw my wallet over the side of the boat. That fear has periodically arisen again in situations where I could throw away my wallet irretrievably… on the edge of the Grand Canyon, walking the colonnade in Abu Dhabi, walking next to Niagara Falls. I have no idea what psychologist would make of it.

    Victor Tango Kilo (View Comment):

    IDK if this is the correct response to the post, but it triggers a memory of a personal irrational fear. It’s a fear I first had when I was a child, taking the ferry to Mackinac Island with my parents. I was gripped by a fear that I would have an irresistible urge to throw my wallet over the side of the boat. That fear has periodically arisen again in situations where I could throw away my wallet irretrievably… on the edge of the Grand Canyon, walking the colonnade in Abu Dhabi, walking next to Niagara Falls. I have no idea what psychologist would make of it.

     Buy some cargo pants and start packing an extra wallet when you travel. You are on the verge of becoming a serial wallet tosser. 

    • #3
  4. Victor Tango Kilo Member
    Victor Tango Kilo
    @VtheK

    Victor Tango Kilo (View Comment):
    I have no idea what psychologist would make of it. 

    Psychologist: “You hate your father and you want to make love to your mother.”

    Modern Psychologist: “You’re transgender.”

    • #4
  5. Flicker Coolidge
    Flicker
    @Flicker

    Bluenoser: It’s an odd memory to have today as I think of the  figurative fog I feel like I have been living in recently. How I have to force myself to concentrate on all but the most mundane tasks at work.

    I know what you mean.  For a year and a half now.  Fog, reading is difficult.  Short-term memory loss.  I figure it’s a reaction to the times.  I used to have a good idea what next week would bring.

    • #5
  6. Bluenoser Member
    Bluenoser
    @Bluenoser

    Victor Tango Kilo (View Comment):

    IDK if this is the correct response to the post, but it triggers a memory of a personal irrational fear. It’s a fear I first had when I was a child, taking the ferry to Mackinac Island with my parents. I was gripped by a fear that I would have an irresistible urge to throw my wallet over the side of the boat. That fear has periodically arisen again in situations where I could throw away my wallet irretrievably… on the edge of the Grand Canyon, walking the colonnade in Abu Dhabi, walking next to Niagara Falls. I have no idea what psychologist would make of it.

    Any response you have is the correct response. I don’t what triggered this memory. I don’t know what prompted me to share it. 

    if you ever do feel like throwing your wallet away, don’t. Mail it to me. I will spend the cash. But, I won’t use your credit cards. And if you realize you want your ID’s and photos back, I can post it back to you. 

    • #6
  7. Bluenoser Member
    Bluenoser
    @Bluenoser

    Flicker (View Comment):

    Bluenoser: It’s an odd memory to have today as I think of the figurative fog I feel like I have been living in recently. How I have to force myself to concentrate on all but the most mundane tasks at work.

    I know what you mean. For a year and a half now. Fog, reading is difficult. Short-term memory loss. I figure it’s a reaction to the times. I used to have a good idea what next week would bring.

    That’s what I think it is too. Just my psyche responding to the times.  

    • #7
  8. Kelly B Member
    Kelly B
    @KellyB

    Victor Tango Kilo (View Comment):

    IDK if this is the correct response to the post, but it triggers a memory of a personal irrational fear. It’s a fear I first had when I was a child, taking the ferry to Mackinac Island with my parents. I was gripped by a fear that I would have an irresistible urge to throw my wallet over the side of the boat. That fear has periodically arisen again in situations where I could throw away my wallet irretrievably… on the edge of the Grand Canyon, walking the colonnade in Abu Dhabi, walking next to Niagara Falls. I have no idea what psychologist would make of it.

    I used to be afraid that I’d lose my glasses looking over the edge of a high place and would be irrationally compelled to dive after them. Sounds similar. I haven’t thought of that forever.

    • #8
  9. James Hageman Coolidge
    James Hageman
    @JamesHageman

    The fog of work is real; I’ve suffered from it for months at a time. I’ve tried various remedies, from “snapping out of it” to vitamins and supplements. I think sleep deprivation and external stresses play a role; probably biochemical factors too.

    My current therapy is reading. But then reading is also my recreation. And my entertainment.

    Best to you.

    • #9
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