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Inane and Illogical Quotes From Our Era (Puns and Jokes Allowed)
The following discussion is not meant in any way, shape, or form to detract from the insight or wisdom offered by either past or present contributors of Quote of the Day discussions.
Instead, it is meant to reflect, however briefly, on those quotes that make little sense or are funny when taken within or without the full context.
Please offer up your own contributions, as often as you care to.
I will start with this classic: “My grandpa always said: ‘Whenever one door closes, another door opens.'” Great guy — horrible cabinet maker.
Or this one: “Let sleeping dogs lie.” In my household, we forbid our dogs to fib. Plus, if a dog is asleep, how can he tell a lie?
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Oxymorons are also encouraged (as long as they do not come from classified “military intelligence”).
“One man’s Mede is another man’s Persian.” Groucho, I think.
Some historians and memoirists write that way. Makes research . . . interesting.
Fool me once, shame on – shame on you. Fool me – you can’t get fooled again.
George W Bush
You do!!
“If you want something in the worst possible way, your wish will be fulfilled.”
There are many variations of this quote.
Groucho Marx’s letter of resignation to the Friars’ Club:
“I don’t want to belong to any club that would accept me as one of its members.”
‘Nothing would burn you as quick as a hot thing’
My auntie Maureen.
‘My friends say I’m part bloodhound. But I have no friends.’
Leonard Smalls
“Common sense is what tells you the earth is flat.”
“do not reject these teachings as false because I am crazy. The reason that I am crazy is because they are true.”
“The Earth quakes and the heavens rattle; the beasts of nature flock together and the nations of men flock apart; volcanoes usher up heat while elsewhere water becomes ice and melts; and then on other days it just rains.”
Principia Discordia
“People are crazier than anybody.” — a family friend and Anglican priest.
Don’t look a charlie horse in the mouth. -David Farber
Also from David Farber:
Be careful not to throw out the bath water with the baby.
His foot is in his mouth up to his ear.
As a token of my unfliching love … .
They’ve dumped you in the briar patch and told you to sink or swim.
One pig must be the guinea.
Let’s skin another can of worms.
We’ve got a cash cow that’s turning into a dog that needs milking.
If I could drop dead right now, I’d be the happiest man alive.
We have all passed a lot of water since then.
I want quality, not quantity, but lots of it.
Now the laugh is on the other foot!
You are never going to fail unless you try.
It’s sort of a recursive image: He has his head so far up his [redacted] that every time he opens his mouth he’s blinded by the light.
These are all great. My wife does this all the time. “You’ve got to stop beating your head against a bush.”
Reminds me of this Carol Channing song from the 1985 Alice in Wonderland… https://youtu.be/d-MLwPW86Rs
Victor Mature after being rejected for membership in a country club because he was an actor, he cracked, “I’m not an actor — and I’ve got 64 films to prove it!”
Groucho once wrote to Photoplay magazine saying that if they didn’t stop publishing lies about him, he was going to cancel his subscription.
I think he also said “Dan Quayle Quotes … What a waste it is to lose one’s mind. Or not to have a mind is being very wasteful. How true that is. ” Ha ha!!!!
“Looking forward to it, are you?”
“I think so,” said Mort uncertainly. “I’ve never seen Death actually at work.”
“Not many have,” said Albert. “Not twice, at any rate.”
Terry Pratchett: Mort.
I laughed out loud at the grammatically correct Sinatra lyric.
Something must be wrong with me. Carol Channing is actually making sense.😜
The oxymoron that really annoys Me, I mean truly annoys Me:
“new baby”
As opposed to all the old babies?!
Man, it really wrankles My skin when I hear that.
More sense that Kamala, at least.
Yeah, that’s what did it.
As a pediatric nurse, I know there’s a lot of difference between a “new” baby less than a week old and a six-month old.
Low bar, that.
‘ I never said half the things I ‘said’’ -Yogi Berra
Probably also true of Dan Quayle and G.W. Bush
“Nobody goes there anymore. It’s too crowded.” Y. Berra
Every one of these Yogi Berraisms is immediately clear to me.
Nobody goes there? Yeah, from the group we were talking about — who are you talking about.
Nah, the concert isn’t until after noon. What time is it? You mean now? No, what time is the concert? Ah, you got two hours, plenty of time.
They are entertaining because out of context they don’t make sense. :)
Speaking of Yogi Berra:
“I am not buying the kids an encyclopedia. They can walk to school the same way I did.”
Mark Twain’s quote about the illogic of reality.