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I Was Assaulted by Bipartisan Operatives Because of My Conservative Politics
In the very early hours yesterday morning, I was walking through a residential area of Casper, WY, in search of a discarded Bernie Sanders yard sign. From out of nowhere I was tackled from behind by two men in fleece vests and pastel polo shirts with extra starch. They knocked me to the ground shouting “An independent voice for Utah!” The phrase carried no meaning for me at the time but I’ve subsequently learned that it’s the slogan of Evan McMullin’s campaign for the US Senate.
I believe the attack was motivated by my outspoken support for Utah Senator Mike Lee.
Startled and with the wind knocked out of me, I observed that the two men quickly became winded themselves as they lamely attempted to strike me with Lincoln Project fly swatters ($10). Needless to say, as a conservative I take my physical fitness very seriously and easily overcame the two paunchy attackers by removing their loafers and beating them repeatedly about the face as they shouted “Save the USPS!” and “Stop! I’m David Frum!”
Satisfied that the men no longer proved a threat, I detained them by removing their khakis and shaking loose from the pockets two Blackberry phones and several green room credentials for CNN, MSNBC, and Al Jazeera. I ascertained that the two men represented the No Labels organization, the militant wing of the Lincoln Project. One of the men then confessed that they were “merely attempting to combat partisan dysfunction in politics and build a bipartisan governing coalition.”
It is hard to believe that in America in 2021, a principled conservative can’t walk the streets of Wyoming without risk of being assaulted by Deep State-adjacent, third-way political operatives.
That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.
Published in Humor
“This is McMuffin Country!”
saying they were bipartisan Lincoln Project people isn’t helpful in identifying them- apparently many in the Lincoln Project are Bi, or non-cis or youth attracted or something……..
Be glad you weren’t attacked by Liz Cheney. That might have been rougher.
But hey, enough about Kirsten Sinema… ;)
I had to go to the link about the flyswatter to see if it was real. People really buy these things? Good grief.
This is Mitt Country!
I thought about that!
.
Evan McMullin? Isn’t he a third rate imitation of Harold Stassen? No disrespect meant for Harold.
Addednum- the only thing worse than a career in politics, is a career in running for office….
Think of the minds that hawk Kamala Harris “I’m speaking” face masks or make a mission out of saving the United States Postal Service.
Yep. I don’t get nearly as mad at the misguided, gullible, naive democrats as I do these people who used to consider themselves Republicans. Trump really did expose a lot of people for who they are and always have been. For that, I am truly grateful. I am also grateful to you, David, for making a joke out of them. They do make it almost too easy, though.
Made me LOL for real.
As in oven mitt? I loved the line about beating them with their own loafers….
Romney oven Mitts! Don’t give them
ideas…
Were you carrying a Subway sandwich?
Did they tell you which indigenous tribe used to own this land? If not, they’re frauds.
When is the Don Lemon interview?
The stuff they emit tends to attract a lot of flies, so it creates a demand for the product.
Tucker Carlson more like it!
It’s a good think you weren’t a young boy…then they really would have been dangerous to you.
Mwahahahaaa! I wonder how many $10 “lie” swatters they’ve sold? This year’s hot seller for stocking stuffers in all the NT households.
Thing is, they probably get a lot more “hits” from this post, than anything else.
If the Left was ever even just a bit truthful, the masks would read “I’m cackling away like the Wicked Witch that I really am” Kamala Harris
Also, no one knows how to pronounce her name as she has pronounced it as both “Camel-a” and as “Kah-mah-la.”
So I guess if her cackling doesn’t confuse the public enough, having to figure out when to say “Camel-a” and when to say “Kah-mah-la” might be the final deal breaker. (The straw to break the “Camel-a”s back.) Plus almost no one liked her anyhow. Even Jill Biden saw to it she was made VP only as insurance that Joe won’t be booted out by the 25th Amendment, or smothered in his sleep.
I assume you’ve already called Mark Geragos.
Fixed your typo. . .
I am surprised they didn’t torture you with articles from “The Bulwark”