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Illinois Flooded with Ex-Governors as Prisons Emptied Over Coronavirus Concerns
Springfield, Ill – The Land of Lincoln has been inundated with a rising tide of former governors as state penitentiaries released hundreds of convicts over concerns of the latest Covid variant Omicron, referred to by local residents as “Omi-crony.” In Chicago, residents were forced to evacuate their homes as basements became flooded with the likes of George Ryan (R., racketeering) and Rod Blagojevich (D., lying to federal agents.)
Downstate, what few residents remain in the formerly thriving port city of Cairo, were forced onto rooftops as the confluence of the Missouri and Mississippi Rivers overflowed their banks with the addition of former Illinois governors Otto Kerner (D., mail fraud, conspiracy, perjury) and Dan Walker (D., bank fraud, filing false financial statements.)
At press time, current Illinois governor and billionaire J.B. Pritzker had declared a state of emergency in order to receive federal funds for purchasing a new home on high ground.
Published in Humor
JB Pritzker’s basement was spared, however, as he had removed all the toilets for property tax reduction purposes.
Pritzker took umbrage when questioned about the resulting accumulation of waste product. “These are not the Augean Stables! My muck hauling staff rotates between our farms in Wisconsin and Wellington. Chicago is conveniently located between the two.”
Do keep the “Free Blogo!” bumper sticker on my car or not?
In the middle of these was “Big Jim” Thompson, who I thought might have national ambitions. At least he stayed out of the pokey.
Wait, I thought President Trump pardoned Blogo BECAUSE he lied to federal agents.
How do you say “corruption” in Serbian? Blogojevich, of course.
I believe that one of the suggestions to columnist John Kass when he sought a new state motto for Illinois was “Our governors make our license plates.”
Comedy is hard enough without sticking to the facts. ;)
The only issue, unless we are allowed to win the next two elections, is how to transfer a functional military to the new Republic. We can leave all of them attached to Washington, take everything but the Democrat dominated cities. But we have to have a military as both Washington and the Chinese will be aggressive about the change. We can be open to some cities leaving and joining, but they have to dump their Democrat mayors and legislatures.
LOL
Let’s not limit it to governors; wasn’t Rostenkowski from Illinois?
One of the other suggested state mottoes was “Would the defendant please rise?”
They should move the governor’s mansion in the state penitentiary
Of course you did the article to use the title. Excellent.
I just report the news…. ;)
Speaking of a fly in the ointment…