Illinois Flooded with Ex-Governors as Prisons Emptied Over Coronavirus Concerns

 

Springfield, Ill – The Land of Lincoln has been inundated with a rising tide of former governors as state penitentiaries released hundreds of convicts over concerns of the latest Covid variant Omicron, referred to by local residents as “Omi-crony.” In Chicago, residents were forced to evacuate their homes as basements became flooded with the likes of George Ryan (R., racketeering) and Rod Blagojevich (D., lying to federal agents.)

Downstate, what few residents remain in the formerly thriving port city of Cairo, were forced onto rooftops as the confluence of the Missouri and Mississippi Rivers overflowed their banks with the addition of former Illinois governors Otto Kerner (D., mail fraud, conspiracy, perjury) and Dan Walker (D., bank fraud, filing false financial statements.)

At press time, current Illinois governor and billionaire J.B. Pritzker had declared a state of emergency in order to receive federal funds for purchasing a new home on high ground.

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  1. 9thDistrictNeighbor Member
    9thDistrictNeighbor
    @9thDistrictNeighbor

    David Deeble: In Chicago, residents were forced to evacuate their homes as basements became flooded with the likes of George Ryan (R., racketeering) and Rod Blogojevich (D., lying to federal agents.)

    JB Pritzker’s basement was spared, however, as he had removed all the toilets for property tax reduction purposes.

    Pritzker took umbrage when questioned about the resulting accumulation of waste product.  “These are not the Augean Stables!  My muck hauling staff rotates between our farms in Wisconsin and Wellington.  Chicago is conveniently located between the two.”

    • #1
  2. DonG (CAGW is a hoax) Coolidge
    DonG (CAGW is a hoax)
    @DonG

    Do keep the “Free Blogo!” bumper sticker on my car or not?

    • #2
  3. Buckpasser Member
    Buckpasser
    @Buckpasser

    In the middle of these was “Big Jim” Thompson, who I thought might have national ambitions.  At least he stayed out of the pokey.

    • #3
  4. cdor Member
    cdor
    @cdor

    Wait, I thought President Trump pardoned Blogo BECAUSE he lied to federal agents.

    • #4
  5. Hartmann von Aue Member
    Hartmann von Aue
    @HartmannvonAue

    How do you say “corruption” in Serbian? Blogojevich, of course. 

     

    • #5
  6. Percival Thatcher
    Percival
    @Percival

    I believe that one of the suggestions to columnist John Kass when he sought a new state motto for Illinois was “Our governors make our license plates.”

    • #6
  7. David Deeble Member
    David Deeble
    @DavidDeeble

    cdor (View Comment):

    Wait, I thought President Trump pardoned Blogo BECAUSE he lied to federal agents.

    Comedy is hard enough without sticking to the facts. ;)

    • #7
  8. I Walton Member
    I Walton
    @IWalton

    The only issue, unless we are allowed to win the next two elections, is how to transfer a functional military to the new Republic.  We can leave all of them attached to Washington, take everything but the Democrat dominated cities.   But we have to have a military as both Washington and the Chinese will be aggressive about the change.   We can be open to some cities leaving and joining, but they have to dump their Democrat mayors and legislatures. 

    • #8
  9. Bryan G. Stephens Thatcher
    Bryan G. Stephens
    @BryanGStephens

    LOL

    • #9
  10. Randy Webster Member
    Randy Webster
    @RandyWebster

    Let’s not limit it to governors; wasn’t Rostenkowski from Illinois?

    • #10
  11. Percival Thatcher
    Percival
    @Percival

    Randy Webster (View Comment):

    Let’s not limit it to governors; wasn’t Rostenkowski from Illinois?

    One of the other suggested state mottoes was “Would the defendant please rise?”

    • #11
  12. GlennAmurgis Coolidge
    GlennAmurgis
    @GlennAmurgis

    They should move the governor’s mansion in the state penitentiary 

    • #12
  13. I Walton Member
    I Walton
    @IWalton

    Of course you did the article to use the title.  Excellent.

    • #13
  14. David Deeble Member
    David Deeble
    @DavidDeeble

    I Walton (View Comment):

    Of course you did the article to use the title. Excellent.

    I just report the news…. ;)

    • #14
  15. Hans Gruber Pfizer President Coolidge
    Hans Gruber Pfizer President
    @Pseudodionysius

    David Deeble (View Comment):

    cdor (View Comment):

    Wait, I thought President Trump pardoned Blogo BECAUSE he lied to federal agents.

    Comedy is hard enough without sticking to the facts. ;)

    Speaking of a fly in the ointment…

    • #15