Redmond Campus Releases Microwoke Office

 

Microsoft Ignite was held Thursday, the company’s annual “digital event experience” featuring talks by tech leaders and practitioners. The opening of the event was. Well. You know, just watch it…

This is beyond wokeness; it’s stage-four mindvirus. In a sane world, they would be laughed off the stage. But corporate America lost its sanity long ago.

To ensure I am not canceled and shipped off to a gulag, I should reintroduce myself to the Ricochet community. Ahem…

I acknowledge I’m typing from land previously occupied by the Tohono O’odham people and whatever tribe they knocked off before taking it. Then the Spanish ruled the region and renamed it the Indendency of Arizpe. About a hundred years later, the US seized it and filled it with cowboys. Today, it’s occupied mostly by golf enthusiasts and air-conditioner salespersons.

I am a shockingly handsome yet humble caucasian male wearing a Memphis record studio T-shirt, khaki shorts, and scandalous underwear (the less of which said, the better). Also, and my hair is blond, not gray like everyone says. A thick mane of youthful blond hair. And a baseball cap.

At this point, I want the wokies to keep expanding these titles. I want eye color, vaccination status, height and weight, social security number, and their mother’s maiden name. Just go for it.

These bizarre introductions are more extravagant than monarchist titles. “We are His Royal Highness the King of Stuff, Revered Knight of the Most Noble Order of Indie Rock, Grand Vizier of the Ancient Assembly of the Macchiato, Defender of the Holy Catholic and Orthodox Faith…”

This can’t go on. I mean, I’ve been saying that for at least a decade but, really, it can’t. Can it?

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  1. Gary Robbins Reagan
    Gary Robbins
    @GaryRobbins

    Go woke, go broke.

    • #1
  2. Doctor Robert Member
    Doctor Robert
    @DoctorRobert

    I’m impressed that the half-Asian babe with the high cheekbones could remember the names of all the primitive tribes that used to live on the Pacific northwest coast.

    • #2
  3. Jim McConnell Member
    Jim McConnell
    @JimMcConnell

    Good grief! Trying to outdo all the other work corporations.

    • #3
  4. Hammer, The (Ryan M) Member
    Hammer, The (Ryan M)
    @RyanM

    Occupied since time immemorial?  

    Yeah … except before those tribes migrated there, that is.

    • #4
  5. Percival Thatcher
    Percival
    @Percival

    I am a grizzled, grouchy, sardonic, sarcastic Wiseass-American. I have brown hair, brown eyes, a gray beard, and my pants are over there in that corner.

    My personal pronoun is ‘milord.’

    • #5
  6. Percival Thatcher
    Percival
    @Percival

    Doctor Robert (View Comment):

    I’m impressed that the half-Asian babe with the high cheekbones could remember the names of all the primitive tribes that used to live on the Pacific northwest coast.

    All the ones we know, or think we know.

    • #6
  7. DaveSchmidt Coolidge
    DaveSchmidt
    @DaveSchmidt

    Jim McConnell (View Comment):

    Good grief! Trying to outdo all the other work corporations.

    “Work” or “woke”?

    • #7
  8. DrewInWisconsin, Oaf Member
    DrewInWisconsin, Oaf
    @DrewInWisconsin

    According to my children, my pronouns are “Dad!/Dad!/Daaaaaaaaad!”

    • #8
  9. MarciN Member
    MarciN
    @MarciN

    DrewInWisconsin, Oaf (View Comment):

    According to my children, my pronouns are “Dad!/Dad!/Daaaaaaaaad!”

    My husband used to say, “I’m ATM.” :-) :-)

    • #9
  10. sawatdeeka Member
    sawatdeeka
    @sawatdeeka

    I’m confused about why they would need to provide a description of what they’re wearing, along with their ethnicity.  ??

    • #10
  11. Jon Gabriel, Ed. Admin
    Jon Gabriel, Ed.
    @jon

    sawatdeeka (View Comment):

    I’m confused about why they would need to provide a description of what they’re wearing, along with their ethnicity. ??

    Best I can figure, the visual descriptions are for the blind? Maybe?

    • #11
  12. Preston Storm Inactive
    Preston Storm
    @PrestonStorm

    Virtual reality is starting to sound not so bad.

    • #12
  13. Vance Richards Member
    Vance Richards
    @VanceRichards

    Well, that didn’t seem at all awkward.

    • #13
  14. Vance Richards Member
    Vance Richards
    @VanceRichards

    Hi I’m a straight white man and . . .

    • #14
  15. Troy Senik Contributor
    Troy Senik
    @TroySenik

    Guy running the prompter should have snuck in at least one fake tribe name, if only for the self-flagellating apology that would have had to follow.

    • #15
  16. Jimmy Carter Member
    Jimmy Carter
    @JimmyCarter

    Jon Gabriel, Ed.: We are His Royal Highness the King of Stuff, Revered Knight of the Most Noble Order of Indie Rock, Grand Vizier of the Ancient Assembly of the Macchiato, Defender of the Holy Catholic and Orthodox Faith

    Dammit. That’s My password to get into windows. 

    • #16
  17. Judge Mental Member
    Judge Mental
    @JudgeMental

    No pronouns?  Must be Republicans.

    • #17
  18. Richard Easton Coolidge
    Richard Easton
    @RichardEaston

    Gary Robbins (View Comment):

    Go woke, go broke.

    That’s the Biden administration.

    • #18
  19. Judge Mental Member
    Judge Mental
    @JudgeMental

    BTW, how big is that campus?  They had about nine different tribes living there.

    • #19
  20. Jimmy Carter Member
    Jimmy Carter
    @JimmyCarter

    Judge Mental (View Comment):
    No pronouns? 

    Are You really assuming Their pronouns? In this day and age? His(?!) just may be “Blue Shirt/ Khaki pants” (or is that an Indian (Native American) tribe?)

    You pronounaphobe/tribeaphobe.

     

     

    • #20
  21. The Reticulator Member
    The Reticulator
    @TheReticulator

    Jimmy Carter (View Comment):

    Judge Mental (View Comment):
    No pronouns?

    Are You really assuming Their pronouns? In this day and age? His(?!) just may be “Blue Shirt/ Khaki pants” (or is that an Indian (Native American) tribe?)

    You pronounaphobe/tribeaphobe.

    Khaki is a word of Persian origin. I call cultural appropriation

    • #21
  22. Percival Thatcher
    Percival
    @Percival

    The Reticulator (View Comment):

    Jimmy Carter (View Comment):

    Judge Mental (View Comment):
    No pronouns?

    Are You really assuming Their pronouns? In this day and age? His(?!) just may be “Blue Shirt/ Khaki pants” (or is that an Indian (Native American) tribe?)

    You pronounaphobe/tribeaphobe.

    Khaki is a word of Persian origin. I call cultural appropriation

    If it weren’t for linguistic appropriation, you could just about fit the English language on the back of a cereal box.

    • #22
  23. Henry Racette Contributor
    Henry Racette
    @HenryRacette

    It’s sad that the Pacific Northwest has become a monoculture, when once it was a colorful patchwork of indigenous tribes competing for resources and raiding each other’s territories for slaves and loot.

    • #23
  24. Jimmy Carter Member
    Jimmy Carter
    @JimmyCarter

    Henry Racette (View Comment):

    It’s sad that the Pacific Northwest has become a monoculture, when once it was a colorful patchwork of indigenous tribes competing for resources and raiding each other’s territories for slaves and loot.

    Yeah, but thank Gawd We got rid of all those menacing buffalo. 

    • #24
  25. Jim McConnell Member
    Jim McConnell
    @JimMcConnell

    DaveSchmidt (View Comment):

    Jim McConnell (View Comment):

    Good grief! Trying to outdo all the other work corporations.

    “Work” or “woke”?

    Sorry. Autocorrect at work, I think.

    • #25
  26. DMak Member
    DMak
    @DMak

    Wow. This is creepy. 

    • #26
  27. Doctor Robert Member
    Doctor Robert
    @DoctorRobert

    On Sept 30, 2020, I received an e-letter from “Winnie”, a program assistant at Simon Fraser University in Vancouver, BC.  No last name was given.  The letter contained this under the signature:

    I respectfully acknowledge that I live and work on the unceded traditional territories of the Coast Salish peoples of the xʷməθkwəy̓əm (Musqueam), Skwxwú7mesh (Squamish), and Səl̓ílwətaɬ (Tsleil-Waututh) Nations.

    We can use this tag lines as a Rosetta stone.

    “xʷm” must be M.  Ok, fine.  But there’s also an algebraic identity, (x to the w) times m= M.  If x = M/2 and m = 3, what are possible values of w?  Where’s John Derbyshire when you need him?

    “ə” has to be a u sound.

    “θ”, normally “theta”, or a “th” sound in Greek, is here sounded as s.  Or is it?  Perhaps the pronunciation is “Muthqueam”. Did the Pacific aborigines speak with a lisp?

    “kwə” = qu

    “əy̓əm” = eam.  This I can perhaps buy, although it looks more to me like “ayy-um”, as a Mainer might say in agreeing with you.  Right latitude, wrong coast.

    Her similarly family-free colleague Jamie’s apology read:

    SFU acknowledges the Squamish, Musqueam, Tsleil-Waututh, Katzie and Kwikwetlem peoples on whose unceded traditional territories our three campuses stand.

    Note that here, SFU does the apologizing, not Jamie herself.  Is that because Jamie is a proud Canadian oppressor, unwilling to concede her guilt?

    Wokesters can be so much fun when they are being stupid (and not burning down your cities or indoctrinating your kids).

    • #27
  28. The Reticulator Member
    The Reticulator
    @TheReticulator

    Henry Racette (View Comment):

    It’s sad that the Pacific Northwest has become a monoculture, when once it was a colorful patchwork of indigenous tribes competing for resources and raiding each other’s territories for slaves and loot.

    So now it’s a gray, bland patchwork of indigenous tribes competing for resources and raiding each other’s territories for slaves and loot? 

    • #28
  29. Brian Wyneken Member
    Brian Wyneken
    @BrianWyneken

    Jon Gabriel, Ed. (View Comment):

    sawatdeeka (View Comment):

    I’m confused about why they would need to provide a description of what they’re wearing, along with their ethnicity. ??

    Best I can figure, the visual descriptions are for the blind? Maybe?

    I’m thinking that if I were blind I would not be all that interested in the color of your trousers, but it might yet be reassuring to know that you are wearing pants.

    • #29
  30. BDB Coolidge
    BDB
    @BDB

    This is more sickening than when Steve Ballmer hopped around the stage like Cypress Hill shouting “Developers!  Developers!  Developers!”

    • #30