My Statements About Trans Fats Were Wrong And Hurtful

 

Recently I wrote a (since deleted) blog post about my experience on the “keto” diet. In it, I wrote that a diet rich in fats was both healthful and useful for weight loss. However, I also made a distinction between “healthy fats such as those found in nuts and fish” and so-called “trans fats, which raise cholesterol and increase the risk of heart disease, stroke and type 2 diabetes.”

These words were not merely clinically inaccurate but hurtful acts of violence. It pains me terribly to think of the danger in which I put the readers of my reckless words. That I am an older man who grew up in a much fitter and more active era than today’s slackers and 24/7 social-media users is no excuse. I now know that my words constituted an act of violence against tater tots, nondairy creamer, women, pre-prepared cake frosting, microwave popcorn, people of color, vegetable shortening, fried fast food, the undocumented, frozen pizza, stick margarine, Muslims, pie crusts, fried chicken, the differently abled, cookie dough, onion rings, and the gays.

My thoughtless words were not only wrong from a scientific perspective but from a moral one. Oprah, Rosie O’Donnell, the director of the Food and Drug Administration, the leadership at the National Association To Advance Fat Acceptance, and more than 200,000 (and counting) Twitter users have helped me to understand what should have been obvious to me at the time: trans fats are fats, full-stop.

I am also learning that apologizing and promising to do better, while necessary, is not sufficient. That is why I am going on a “listening tour” of the United States. No, I won’t be performing my standup comedy or dispensing hateful nutritional facts. In fact, I won’t be speaking at all, but listening to those whose lives will never be the same after reading my irresponsible words.

Some in Hollywood have privately suggested that I ignore what they call the “clinically insane mob” for the approximately 72 hours it takes for them to get bored and move onto new and easier targets, like Seth Rogen. I reject this. Instead, I will be taking time to stay quiet, away from social media, and refraining from all press interviews. If and when I return to public life it will only be after I have listened, learned, and atoned.

Some will say that I don’t deserve the opportunity at redemption, let alone resumption of my weekly gig emceeing New Material Mondays at the Chuckle Hut in Garden Grove.

To such people, I can only say “I feel your pain.”

Published in Humor
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  1. Gossamer Cat Coolidge
    Gossamer Cat
    @GossamerCat

    I’m sorry, but on behalf of the trillions of trans fat molecules everywhere, most of whom I’ve spoken to personally, I do not accept your apology.  Many of them were too traumatized to clog arteries or increase inflammation for several days.  

    • #1
  2. Henry Racette Contributor
    Henry Racette
    @HenryRacette

    We’ve had it with you privileged cis-lipid people (he says, looking for that ignore button…).

    • #2
  3. David Deeble Member
    David Deeble
    @DavidDeeble

    Henry Racette (View Comment):

    We’ve had it with you privileged cis-lipid people (he says, looking for that ignore button…).

    Cis-lipid! 

    • #3
  4. DonG (CAGW is a hoax) Coolidge
    DonG (CAGW is a hoax)
    @DonG

    STOP the FAT SHAMING.  All fats shapes are equally beautify.  The fat community (SUMPT+) needs to stand together.  

    * Saturated, Unsaturated, Mono-saturated, Polysaturated, Trans…

    • #4
  5. Jim McConnell Inactive
    Jim McConnell
    @JimMcConnell

    No, your “apology” is not acceptable. You were not humble enough, you need to grovel more.

    • #5
  6. Hugh Member
    Hugh
    @Hugh

    Sorry I misunderstood.  I thought we were talking about fat trans.

    • #6
  7. Columbo Member
    Columbo
    @Columbo

    Thatsa good one, Boss!!

    • #7
  8. JoelB Member
    JoelB
    @JoelB

    Fat lives matter!

    • #8
  9. Stina Member
    Stina
    @CM

    David Deeble (View Comment):

    Henry Racette (View Comment):

    We’ve had it with you privileged cis-lipid people (he says, looking for that ignore button…).

    Cis-lipid!

    Inspiring the great Deeble! Well done, HR.

    • #9
  10. Basil Fawlty Member
    Basil Fawlty
    @BasilFawlty

    David Deeble: To such people, I can only say “I feel your pain.”

    I peel your feign.

    • #10
  11. Stad Coolidge
    Stad
    @Stad

    Trans fats . . . the next liberal cause célèbre.

    Thank you David, for your brutally honest apology . . .

    • #11
  12. Eeyore Member
    Eeyore
    @Eeyore

    David Deeble: I will be taking time to stay quiet, away from social media, and refraining from all press interviews. If and when I return to public life it will only be after I have listened, learned, and atoned.

    From the David Deeble Master Class on how to boost your Social Credit Score while actually simply taking an offline RV vacation with your wife and kids.

    • #12
  13. Paul Stinchfield Member
    Paul Stinchfield
    @PaulStinchfield

    TERN: Transfat Exclusionary Radical Nutritionist.

    • #13
  14. Dotorimuk Coolidge
    Dotorimuk
    @Dotorimuk

    99.9% of the time, you can tell just by looking.

    • #14
  15. DaveSchmidt Coolidge
    DaveSchmidt
    @DaveSchmidt

    Jim McConnell (View Comment):

    No, your “apology” is not acceptable. You were not humble enough, you need to grovel more.

    Perhaps baking 1000 wedding cakes might do the trick. 

    • #15
  16. OkieSailor Member
    OkieSailor
    @OkieSailor

    DaveSchmidt (View Comment):

    Jim McConnell (View Comment):

    No, your “apology” is not acceptable. You were not humble enough, you need to grovel more.

    Perhaps baking 1000 wedding cakes might do the trick.

    Not if the couple is of different sexes.

    • #16
  17. hoowitts Coolidge
    hoowitts
    @hoowitts

    David Deeble: the leadership at the National Association To Advance Fat Acceptance

    Dear G-d, this is a real thing – Babylon Bee worthy

    • #17
  18. David Deeble Member
    David Deeble
    @DavidDeeble

    hoowitts (View Comment):

    David Deeble: the leadership at the National Association To Advance Fat Acceptance

    Dear G-d, this is a real thing – Babylon Bee worthy

    And needless to say it has been taken over by Leftists – assuming it wasn’t conceived by Leftists.

    • #18
  19. Oblomov Member
    Oblomov
    @Oblomov

    My 11 year old son, who is easily the funniest person in the family, has said that instead of calling people “fat”, he will from now on call them “well-marbled”. 

    That’s it. That’s his joke. 

    • #19
  20. Gossamer Cat Coolidge
    Gossamer Cat
    @GossamerCat

    Oblomov (View Comment):

    My 11 year old son, who is easily the funniest person in the family, has said that instead of calling people “fat”, he will from now on call them “well-marbled”.

    That’s it. That’s his joke.

    That is outstanding!

    • #20
  21. Flicker Coolidge
    Flicker
    @Flicker

    Oblomov (View Comment):

    My 11 year old son, who is easily the funniest person in the family, has said that instead of calling people “fat”, he will from now on call them “well-marbled”.

    That’s it. That’s his joke.

    Then transmarbled is when you have fat sucked out of your belly and put in your bum (or if you’re a guy, in your biceps).

    • #21
  22. David Deeble Member
    David Deeble
    @DavidDeeble

    Oblomov (View Comment):

    My 11 year old son, who is easily the funniest person in the family, has said that instead of calling people “fat”, he will from now on call them “well-marbled”.

    That’s it. That’s his joke.

    That’s hilarious. 

    • #22
  23. Roderic Reagan
    Roderic
    @rhfabian

    Is this satire?  It’s so hard to tell these days.

    • #23
  24. Paul Stinchfield Member
    Paul Stinchfield
    @PaulStinchfield

    Oblomov (View Comment):

    My 11 year old son, who is easily the funniest person in the family, has said that instead of calling people “fat”, he will from now on call them “well-marbled”.

    That’s it. That’s his joke.

    And then I think about the elites who are telling us that meat will be a thing of the past.

    • #24