I Flunked Babyfeeding 101

 

On Fridays, our youngest daughter brings our grandson over for a visit.  Yesterday, I came downstairs and found neutral oberver feeding the little guy in the kitchen.  So, I wander over and she says, “Wanna feed him?”  I replied, “Sure!”

I took the spoon, scooped up a glop of stuff that looked as if it was left over from the filming of The Exorcist, and guided it into his mouth.  He gummed it a couple of times, then it started running out his mouth onto his bib.

“You need to stick it further in,” my wife said.

Ignoring the juiciest straight line she’s ever handed me, I guided another spoonful into our grandson’s mouth.  The result was more of the same, only this time, he let out a wail to wake the dead – and scare our cats.  Aside: It never ceases to amaze me how fast cats can move even when they slink one inch above the floor.

Anyway, neutral observer relieved me for cause.  I talked to our grandson for a while, and got a kick out of him smiling again.  I guess that weird old man wasn’t holding the spoon right or something.  I figured I’ll have better luck teaching him how to open a pop top . . .

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  1. Arahant Member
    Arahant
    @Arahant

    Stad: I figured I’ll have better luck teaching him how to open a pop top . . .

    Goals for the future.

    • #1
  2. EHerring Coolidge
    EHerring
    @EHerring

    You are lucky neutral observer relieved you for cause. One more misplaced spoonful and he would have sneezed all over you.

    • #2
  3. Percival Thatcher
    Percival
    @Percival

    Arahant (View Comment):

    Stad: I figured I’ll have better luck teaching him how to open a pop top . . .

    Goals for the future.

    There are no unimportant life lessons.

    • #3
  4. drlorentz Member
    drlorentz
    @drlorentz

    Stad: I took the spoon, scooped up a glop of stuff that looked as if it was left over from the filming of The Exorcist, and guided it into his mouth.  He gummed it a couple of times, then it started running out his mouth onto his bib.

    You need to master the art of using the spoon to collect the overflow and re-insert. Once you have, no glop will go to waste. The spoon is a powerful tool in the rapid wiping up of the mouth – more so than the napkin or spit-up cloth. Hone these skills and you’ll rarely be bested again.

    Of course, this does not apply to exorcist-style projectile vomiting or spitting but it does cover most of the use cases. 

    • #4
  5. Basil Fawlty Member
    Basil Fawlty
    @BasilFawlty

    The Secret Service probably has a training program.

    • #5
  6. Phil Turmel Coolidge
    Phil Turmel
    @PhilTurmel

    It won’t be long before he’ll be feeding himself pizza.  Which is what my wife and I supervised this evening with our grands…

    { Son and d-i-l’s date night. }

    • #6
  7. She Reagan
    She
    @She

    EHerring (View Comment):

    You are lucky neutral observer relieved you for cause. One more misplaced spoonful and he would have sneezed all over you.

    Or worse.

    • #7
  8. Jules PA Member
    Jules PA
    @JulesPA

    Maybe you forget the spoon is a plane, with all the requisite dives, turns, and propeller noises?

    Plus, once in mouth say, “delicious,” then swipe right, left, and chin to catch the dribbles. 

    You can do it!

    • #8
  9. Nohaaj Coolidge
    Nohaaj
    @Nohaaj

    HAH.  Loved the descriptions, and advice.  You will have more opportunities for life skill teaching.  Recently my grandson came to visit our farmette. He was spooked by the blue light in the toilet from the bidet, and refused to go there. So I taught him how to pee standing up. outside in the yard. (he had only ever peed while sitting before)  By the end of the day, we were proudly man peeing; with grunts, biceps curled, and competing for distance.  One of my proudest moments. 

    • #9
  10. Cow Girl Thatcher
    Cow Girl
    @CowGirl

    Nohaaj (View Comment):

    HAH. Loved the descriptions, and advice. You will have more opportunities for life skill teaching. Recently my grandson came to visit our farmette. He was spooked by the blue light in the toilet from the bidet, and refused to go there. So I taught him how to pee standing up. outside in the yard. (he had only ever peed while sitting before) By the end of the day, we were proudly man peeing; with grunts, biceps curled, and competing for distance. One of my proudest moments.

    This is TOTALLY AWESOME!! Grandpa Stuff of the highest order!! 

    • #10
  11. The Reticulator Member
    The Reticulator
    @TheReticulator

    Jules PA (View Comment):

    Maybe you forget the spoon is a plane, with all the requisite dives, turns, and propeller noises?

    Plus, once in mouth say, “delicious,” then swipe right, left, and chin to catch the dribbles.

    You can do it!

    A plane?  Maybe Stad could do a submarine.

    • #11
  12. Skyler Coolidge
    Skyler
    @Skyler

    I can’t remember where I heard the story about the grandfather teaching his son how to change a diaper.  First make a big commotion about wanting to help.  Then take the child and begin the diapering process.  Then stick the pin right into the kid’s leg.  After he howls, they will never let you change a diaper again.  Mission accomplished.

    It’s a damn shame we don’t use pins anymore.

    • #12
  13. Stad Coolidge
    Stad
    @Stad

    drlorentz (View Comment):
    You need to master the art of using the spoon to collect the overflow and re-insert. Once you have, no glop will go to waste.

    I observed neutral observer doing just this.  I’m anxiously waiting my next attempt . . .

    • #13
  14. Stad Coolidge
    Stad
    @Stad

    Nohaaj (View Comment):
    So I taught him how to pee standing up. outside in the yard.

    Funny story.  The baby had just come home, and New Mommy and her older sister went into a back bedroom to change the baby.  Neutral observer and I followed, and found they had already put the baby on the changing table and removed the diaper.  My wife started to say, “You should throw a small cloth over his-“

    That’s when a powerful arc of pee shot up into the air and on New Mommy, her sister, and the wall.  I had to leave because I was laughing so hard . . .

    • #14
  15. Manny Member
    Manny
    @Manny

    Wonderful!  It must be great to be a grandfather. Perhaps one day for me. 

    • #15
  16. Basil Fawlty Member
    Basil Fawlty
    @BasilFawlty

    Stad (View Comment):

    Nohaaj (View Comment):
    So I taught him how to pee standing up. outside in the yard.

    Funny story. The baby had just come home, and New Mommy and her older sister went into a back bedroom to change the baby. Neutral observer and I followed, and found they had already put the baby on the changing table and removed the diaper. My wife started to say, “You should throw a small cloth over his-“

    That’s when a powerful arc of pee shot up into the air and on New Mommy, her sister, and the wall. I had to leave because I was laughing so hard . . .

    May it be a masculine child.

    • #16
  17. Stad Coolidge
    Stad
    @Stad

    Basil Fawlty (View Comment):

    Stad (View Comment):

    Nohaaj (View Comment):
    So I taught him how to pee standing up. outside in the yard.

    Funny story. The baby had just come home, and New Mommy and her older sister went into a back bedroom to change the baby. Neutral observer and I followed, and found they had already put the baby on the changing table and removed the diaper. My wife started to say, “You should throw a small cloth over his-“

    That’s when a powerful arc of pee shot up into the air and on New Mommy, her sister, and the wall. I had to leave because I was laughing so hard . . .

    May it be a masculine child.

    Yes, our grandson has a fire hose . . .

    • #17
  18. Southern Pessimist Member
    Southern Pessimist
    @SouthernPessimist

    Back when I was a pediatrician I was an enthusiastic suporter of breast feeding but quickly realized that there were breast feeding nazis who refused to allow infants to drink water or allow husbands to slop a little rice pudding into their inquisitive joyful infant.

    It was a very small part of the field of pediatrics that made me disilusioned and led me to another career.

    • #18
  19. Percival Thatcher
    Percival
    @Percival

    Southern Pessimist (View Comment):

    Back when I was a pediatrician I was an enthusiastic suporter of breast feeding but quickly realized that there were breast feeding nazis who refused to allow infants to drink water or allow husbands to slop a little rice pudding into their inquisitive joyful infant.

    It was a very small part of the field of pediatrics that made me disilusioned and led me to another career.

    You clearly were not enthusiastic enough.

    I was braced by a trio of them at a backyard soiree once. I believe my transgression was in suggesting that a little one might enjoy a spoonful of the homemade ice cream that I’d been churning most of the afternoon.

    • #19
  20. Skyler Coolidge
    Skyler
    @Skyler

    Percival (View Comment):

    Southern Pessimist (View Comment):

    Back when I was a pediatrician I was an enthusiastic suporter of breast feeding but quickly realized that there were breast feeding nazis who refused to allow infants to drink water or allow husbands to slop a little rice pudding into their inquisitive joyful infant.

    It was a very small part of the field of pediatrics that made me disilusioned and led me to another career.

    You clearly were not enthusiastic enough.

    I was braced by a trio of them at a backyard soiree once. I believe my transgression was in suggesting that a little one might enjoy a spoonful of the homemade ice cream that I’d been churning most of the afternoon.

    I learned that almost all advice from almost any source about child rearing was stupid.  It was either because they were like the breast feeding nazis, or they made money selling the special furniture, stroller, or gadget.  Kids are mostly pretty hardy.  If only their parents would be likewise. 

    • #20